AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

In terms of the "autism as an excuse" I think it's relevant that none of the examples you've given are of him behaving badly towards another adult who was in a position to respond in kind, particularly another man. Its all towards his family, small children, or a member of staff who was limited by their job role so couldn't tell him to fuck off.

Presumably he doesnt behave like that towards his own birth family, friends or colleagues.

Which suggests he absolutely can moderate his behaviour.

Also relevant that he hasnt looked back on any of it after the 'red mist' has faded and realised he was in the wrong and apologised, which again points away from "cant control his emotions" to "sees no issue with his behaviour."

Well he has not got to 45 "just fine" has he? He has got to age 45 and he is making his DD cry and being very offensive to a shopkeeper (and perhaqps he doesn't even realise he was being offensive, how pathetic is that?); he was nasty to a child in the holiday resort; that he threatened his daughter; and that either he does not understand how much the things he says frighten and upset other people or he does not care. And he has nearly lost his wife and she doesn't even like him any more.

So what kind of "just fine" is that?

Your son needs to understand that people who have genuine disabilities may not always be able to "help it" but they can at least make an effort not to hurt, offend or harm other people, and they can try to make amends.

You need to separate out what your DS thinks he wants and what he actually needs.
You need to be the parent here as it’s clear your DH is appalling. Picking on an 8 year old boy is vile and also dangerous - had that boy’s dad found out it could have ended far worse.
I know it’s hard to do the right thing but you’ve left before it’s time to do it for good.
And no more holidays with this bully he’s awful.

Sounds like you have had enough and that there is a long back story as to why. For that reason, yes leave. But each of the incidents you describe are not enough for someone who wasn't there to say are unacceptable.

The checkout - DS misbehaving. DH was a bit short with the checkout assistant. I imagine a lot of people have been there when juggling misbehaving kids. Did he shout? DD more likely crying because DS is acting up and causing tension.

The pool table. Maybe he felt the 8 year old needed a more competitive game. Maybe he wanted to give his DC the pleasure of seeing the other kid lose for once - you say he had beaten your two several times. DH then plays pool with aggressive potting. That's the way my DSs play usually. It's a bit of a man thing but also helps to split the balls and get the cue ball back in the right place. Then your DS interfered. Your DH is right, in a bar he could well have got a punch - that's factual and DS needs to be warned. Obviously I didn't hear the tone of voice which makes a difference.

The airport. He's looking after DS in a no-win situation. It's highly likely that if they're in the entrance to a shop, DS or even he, may see something inside to attract their attention. Next time don't leave them outside. That's boring. And wait at the point where you've agreed to meet. Message him if they're not there in 5 minutes, don't go wandering off to the gate.

The cat. Please don't feed "stray" cats unless you know 100% that they are not being looked after. Not always good for the cat and not fair on the owner as it encourages the cat to get food elsewhere rather than at home.

But as I said up top, if you've had enough, leave. And if the incidents you describe are actually worse than you have described them ie with shouting, calling you/DC/others names etc. then I will agree that he is a bully. But as written, while the incidents paint a picture of an unharmonious family, I don't think it's all on him.

Well obviously not to you.

My DH can be a bit like this sometimes. I bet that he did see you leave the airport shop, and he let you look for him and walk to the gate, in order to manufacture an argument. I mean, why else would he position himself not outside the shop? My DH pulls shit like this. Thankfully very rarely, but it's still infuriating. I blame extreme work stress, and I'm praying it stops when he retires soon, because 95% of the time he is lovely.

As for the aggressive pool playing - I can imagine how that looked and I'd be fuming too - he's behaving like a toddler!

With the kids ages and your son's relationship with him being good, I would re evaluate when they are 18.

I haven't seen anyone respond who pretends to be a psychologist, armchair or otherwise, except you, telling us all off for making 'psychological assessments' which is your phrase, as continuously repeated.
Real life experience is real. One of the purposes of MN is for people to share theirs when someone posts a problem. Your comment here even ends with criticism of the OP, sarcastically framed, so why ARE you on this thread?

OP, I would like to emphasise the necessity of your children getting therapy to learn to deal with their father. Unlike some on this thread, I have lived through a childhood with a father like your H. In retrospect, he was probably also autistic. But more than that, he was raised by patriarchy to think that what he wanted came above everyone and everything. He was amiable when everything went his way and devastatingly mean when it didn't. The embarrassing beating of a young boy at pool - that is exactly what my father would have done.

He did untold harm to everyone. Everyone: his wife, every single subsequent wife/gf, his parents, his friends (who he treated as resources, similar to everyone else). And especially my older sister, who he parentified to the point that he "confided" in her - starting as a young child - his disgruntlements, including about his wife/our mother.

As we grew up, my sister was insanely attached to him. She had eyes only for him, did everything with him. Later, as an adult, she spent endless time and energy running after him, worrying about him, buying him clothes, giving advice, trying to get him to see a doctor, even trying to find him suitable gfs. Then he'd get another gf, who would feel threatened by my sister's possessive devotion, and my father would be mean to my sister. My sister had very very poor mental health, horrible self esteem, and was herself a really difficult person to be around for me, because she saw me as a threat to our father's meagre approval.

He ruined my sister's life. She got therapy at various points but the damage was too deep. Sadly, she is now dead, and I mourn her miserable chaotic sad life.

OP, leave and get your kids therapy. Ignore the people who haven't lived with men like this, they know not of what they speak.

I don't think you understand what a full scale psychological analysis is perhaps? Or how that differs from a knowledge of patterns of impact of behaviour on others?
Its not necessary to do the first to understand that if people are exposed to certain behaviours and treatments, there is often commonality in responses to that treatment. All that requires is the ability to read on the subject.
There is a pattern of behaviour whereby children exposed to the sort of parenting described by the OP develop an unhealthy attachment. I didn't invent this, it's well known and evidenced by research. You may be unaware of it, but your ignorance doesn't make my comment ludicrous.

What a horrible man, autism doesn’t excuse this behaviour.

You have zero evidence for this as you have never met or spoken to the child.

Hes an abusive bully.
This is unconnected to whether or not he has autism.

You and your children deserve better.

Your children sound lovely. The three of you could have a lovely, peaceful life together, and then they could see their dad on their own terms (and learn that they don't have to put up with poor behaviour and can walk out if it gets too much for them).

Your relationship is over. It was over last year when you split up. You shouldn't have tried again. He is aggressive and doesn't care about you and you hold him (quite understandably, given his behaviour) in contempt. There is nothing really to work with here. I understand your DS being anxious and upset about change, but he doesn't get to dictate that you stay in a relationship which is completely dead, if not actually toxic, and live with a man who is harmful to your and your DC's emotional wellbeing. This is too much to ask of anyone.

Your DC are learning about relationships from the model they see in front of them. The abusive partner gets what they want, while everyone else walks on eggshells around them. This is not a lesson you want them to take into adult life.

I stayed with someone who behaved exactly like this. For far too long. (20+ years). Until my daughters were older teens.
strangely enough, holidays were particularly awful. His behaviour at airports was atrocious. He worked long hours and was away a lot when we were at home.
I have another thread on here because my now adult daughters are angry and badly affected by their father’s treatment of us all and especially angry at me for staying.
None of us have any idea of how a normal relationship should look and it’s tearing us apart. It’s going to take a long time and a lot of work to improve our relationships.
Just something to think about whilst your DC are younger, you could be happier and have calm and peace in your home every day.

Since you are in this situation, could you have some separate holidays next year. And generally live more as coparents and flatmates, with you focusing on what is good for you and the kids.

Btw this suggestion above is sometimes the middle step before actual separation.

He sounds genuinely awful @HelpMEunderstand0 thankfully so far your kids see this too and aren’t copying his model. Get yourselves out of it if you can.

This is spot on. Our entire family is ND and none of us behave like your DH @HelpMEunderstand0 . In fact we all go out of our way to be kind to others because we know what its like to be on the receiving end of nastiness as a result of being misunderstood/ND.

Your DH sounds, to quote other PP’s here. Like a total c*nt. Sorry, but he is. And you absolutely do not have to stay with him because your DS15 could not cope.

I would end things asap, and simply get pastoral support for him in place at school and via the GP, and go to great lengths to explain that his dad and you no longer love each other, that dad’s behaviour on holiday indicates that dad is very unhappy and that separating as a couple does not mean dad doesn’t love him. You cannot live your life around one person’s needs.

DS is 15, he is old enough to understand that life is not always easy. If you don’t end it now, when will you? Not during his A Levels/BTEcs, not during DD’s GCSES? There will never be a perfect time, but the life you and they are living will not get better, and could be very detrimental to you all over time. You need to rip the plaster off now and start the process of moving on before the damage becomes irreparable.

What OP is describing is abusive behaviour. OP left this man because of this behaviour, so it is not an isolated occurrence, it is a pattern of behaviour.

Insisting that we need to hear from the H and the child in question before we make up our minds is an appeal to neutrality that is inappropriate in situations of abuse: it can end up protecting the harmful person instead of being fair. It also dismisses the victim's account, further harming her.

Abuse is not just a disagreement between equal parties: it’s a power imbalance that causes harm to the ones in the less powerful position (in this case the children, and OP, to a lesser extent).

The amount of harm that men inflict on women in is enormous and devastating. The world is rigged to prioritise men's wants over the safety and needs of women and children.

When a woman comes here and tells us of abusive behaviour, we should not be taking the abuser's side our of spurious neutrality. If you feel inclined to do so, there are plenty of Reddit and other male-centred forums where your argumentation will find fruitful ground.

The really hard part is when you have a child with a diagnosis and see similar behaviour in their parent, you can excuse a lot (out of love). But your husband is an adult you should be in partnership with, and is not your child. You don’t have to excuse him, or placate him anymore.

I hope you can escape x x

Poor you and your poor kids, he sounds horrible and pretty scary too. That incident with the 8 year old boy playing pool was horrible to read about, must have been truly awful to witness . i had a dad who was angry, unpredictable, and a load of other very bad stuff too but when I was a child it was almost unheard of to end a relationship so we had to stick it out. It affected us deeply. You say that you have parted from him for a short while but went back because your DD loves her dad so much which is understandable. However, things are not getting any better and given he appears unwilling to even acknowledge let alone address his behaviour maybe now is the time to start planning a life with just you and the children with the hope that co-parenting will work out. Thinking of you

He’s a dick. How can you stand to be around him ?!

Don’t be ridiculous. It is in no way abusive behaviour and you have no right telling posters who don’t agree with you to post elsewhere.

It doesn’t matter that your kids adore him. They will still adore him when you guys separate. But you will be much happier, and he will stop scaring them.

You say DS adores him but what a terrible role model his father is to him.
DH sounds rude, nasty and a bully.