AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

Seriously...did you even read the part about frightening the child about getting stuck in a foreign country? None of the husband's reactions to any of the scenarios given are reasonable in OPs post, and I know from experience that this is probably the tip of the iceberg. Again, have you lived through this situation yourself?
Also "pulled up on it" re the cue- with "punched in the face" as part of the verbal reaction? Yes.......that's fine, excusable...🙄

This!

He clearly is though, as are you. This isn't actually a denial. And so what if it were? I still wouldn't believe it.

Please do not equate being an unkind bully with being autistic! that's just gross.

One of my children is autistic and so is my brother in law - they are the kindest most empathetic - anxiously empathetic - individuals I know.

Can i be honest - none of what you described has ANYTHING to do with being neurodiverse. We are at serious risk of legitimising vile behaviour from men nowadays by saying they may be ND. This is unpleasant horrible behaviour -

the description of him trying to belittle a small child makes him sound abusive - I would wonder what the next step would be. He could be violent or abusive to you.

He is horrible, that poor cat, only a nasty person would begrudge a hungry cat.

Oh for goodness sake. He is 15, both kids were with an adult. Who knows how long she’d been in the shop before the flight! We all say things in stressful moments and saying they’ll have to sort it is hardly earth shattering.

Dh and both have AUDHD. The behaviours you describe don't resonate with me at all. My husband would never treat children like that. It sounds like you have tried your best and put up with an awful lot. Don't let guilt make you stay trapped with an awful man.

Do you really think that a partner/parent who can behave like this on holiday magically turns into a delightful saint as soon as they're home? Whilst I'd very much welcome OP giving more context re home life, I'll have a bet he's the same regardless of the surroundings. I also don't think OP would have posted if this behaviour was just an abberattion thats not likely to continue at home.

You really want to blame the OP and kids here, don't you? Stressful moments....🤔 sounds like most of the holiday was one long stressful moment, then.

I wouldn’t give treats to a stray cat unless you are planning to take responsibility for it and feed it properly.

Except you didn't 'put an alternative view' did you? You inserted yourself simply to say my post was ludicrous. Its actually far more 'extreme' to respond so rudely and pointlessly to a view you don't like and that was addressed to OP not you.

You've listed all your "badges of honour"...your ABD...CEF....WOW... etc. In your family.
Stop hiding behind labels. We all struggle in this world but not all find excuses for others bad behaviour.
Your husband is a nasty piece of work. I don't care about the acronyms you want to attach to him.
You either stay for the kids or leave. But please stop labelling bad behaviour as if it's an excuse.

Don’t be ridiculous, simply putting a balanced more pragmatic view.

It is ludicrous to do a full scale psychological analysis on a child you’ve never met based on a post on the internet.

Perhaps you could have regular conversations with your son about what is and isn't normal adult man behaviour. He may have seen boys in school doing things like this, but they should grow up and out of it. Does he have any positive male role models in his life?

How was your daughter when you'd split up - happier? Have a conversation with your son about women's and girls' (un)happiness with men's shit behaviour and why we shouldn't accept it.

Based on absolutely no real life experience of this kind of situation. Mm. Pragmatic 😅

You have no idea what my real life experience is. There you go again diagnosing people you’ve never met on the internet.

You are quite literally the only one who keeps banging on about "full scale psychological analysis." Are you a psychotherapist? MH professional?

I am really sorry, @HelpMEunderstand0 but he does sound awful. He's bullying his wife and children and has now moved onto shopkeepers and random children ... (he must have felt that his behaviour was fine or he might have had a moment or two to consider that a parent could turn up and find his behaviour towards their son less than ideal).

With regard to his possible autism: whilst he would have been autistic when you met him, men do seem to become more 'condensed' as they get older (i.e., if they are mean they get stingier, grumpy they become grumpier, etc.) so this version of him is probably what you've got, with it becoming a bit more so, for the rest of your married life. Bugger that for a game of soldiers ...

Personally I'd bite the bullet and go for it now and try to get it all as civilised as possible as your DS is about to hit his GCSEs or wait until he's done them and then go for it before your DD is having hers. What I wouldn't do is sit and watch him getting nastier and nastier to your DC.

Diagnosing? No, drawing on real experience. As I've said, it is only you who keeps talking about psychological assessments 🙄

If you hadn’t said the 8yo but I’d have said holidays are situations where everything is actually stressful as all year you’ve all been waiting for it and people feel the need for it to be perfect- your last experience probably happens to 5/10 people with everyone irritated and panicking but the 8yo- fecking hell that was insane. Does he think ye have a problem or does he think it’s all you and not him? Ye both do have a lot on your plate with all the diagnosis’s in the house but my god he sounds horrendous

He’s awful, horrible to you, your children and a small boy!

I get your son adores him but will this holiday have changed his view?

This reminds me of the time my dad came in after shouting and frothing for ages about how insane everyone was for not agreeing with and pandering to him, and then declared that he was the only one capable of being rational or balanced. The oasis of reason in a mad world.

There is obviously nothing one can do with people like this, but it's somewhat illuminating for people who haven't seen it before. And in a black and depressing way, kind of funny.

Because some posters think they’re armchair psychologists.

Op needs to contact a real therapist who can listen to both sides oh and have a conversation with her actual husband instead of some randoms on the internet.

Yeah of course it is🙄