AIBU to really dislike DH after our holiday?

Don't waste time on counselling. He is vile and abusive to you and the children. Your DS will cope. This is not how family life should be. Get your ducks in a row and leave

What an odious man.

I would leave him.

Firstly we have not been getting on for a long time now and this was meant to be a bit of a deciding holiday as I’m struggling to connect with him at all in recent years mainly with the lack of understanding around the children’s needs or practical help with any of it

There are clearly serious issues in the marriage. Which led to a temporary separation. This holiday’s behaviour was very unlikely a one-off.

I have worked as a consultant psychiatrist for 20 years, nine of those were in women’s mental health. I think there are some serious red flags in the behaviours mentioned here. If a woman mentioned this trip, then we would absolutely discuss the issues raised in an MDT and ask further questions. And possibly discuss with children’s services too.

Ignore the excuses by some posters. They have shown they are about scoring points and not here to give good advice.

OP I think the advice and empathetic sharing by other posters has been excellent. Especially those speaking from the perspective of the children of such men. The best thing you can do is offer the children some safety, distance, and perspective on their dad. They can still love him and want to see him happy snd well. But he doesn’t need to be parented or coddled by them. They don’t need to protect him from being “victimized” by others, or life, or his own behavior and its consequences. He’s a big boy.

Just leave and teach them to accept his limitations. They can love him without submitting to his caprice or his emotional incompetence. That’s the goal.

What is alarming about this particular situation is the aggression-

"A little boy of 8 years old is on the resort and is very good at pool and has beat both my kids in good spirits each time he’s played them. DH said “ Let’s see how good he is then “ and proceeded to floor him, hitting the balls in really hard and a little aggressively. I was mortified that a 45 year old would take joy in beating a small 8 year old and my son then got annoyed with DH and tried to knock the cue out of his hand on the last shot which made DH shout “ if you did that to someone in a real pool match they would punch you in the face “"

This is a grown, muscular, tall man. He is 6 foot 4. There is a large size and physical power differential between him and the majority of other people. Yet this man does not temper his aggression against small children. Yes, he embarrassed himself - to us, we as grown adults could think "my god, what a complete prat". But to his children, and possibly the 8 yo, everything he did was very physically intimidating.

A man who cannot control himself, cannot regulate himself, has no self-awareness to the point that he behaves spitefully and aggressively with much smaller children, is not a man I would have around my children.

My last post was actually intended for @HumberSquid :)

With the thread, not with you, I thought I made that clear. Last attempt.

I have a friend (male) a bit like this. He justifies it by saying he is super competitive - which is true - and that this is not something he wants to change. Well, ok.

As a related characteristic, he can also be quite nervy and anxious, restless. But my DH - who has been his close friend for much longer - has said that this speeds him in a direction where he will only do exactly what he wants to do, no room for considering anyone else. An example is that his partner asked for a meal in a cafe without something that it probably would have come with. The meal came and the food was on the plate. Friend was in high dudgeon and wanted to send it back but his partner robustly said no, they didn't want their meal taken away again...but it was as if he was only interested in how he was going to handle it. I am quite sure that if it had been me and DH instead, I would have been amazed if he had still overridden my preference and whipped it all up that many times.

I suspect that your DH was stressed, particularly in the airport, but that he has a very short rope of tolerance for what other people want if it even slightly clashes with his forward progress. When people are easily conquerable, this comes across as ego driven and rude, but for him, that's a blind spot with nothing he's bothered by. By the sound of it, you and the DC see it clearly and continue to have it reinforced. This would sound like a situation that could grind you all down easily - if you are not happy and would feel more peace when out of that all the time, then you don't need to talk yourselves out of those things being really important. Also, although you have a few years, if your DC leave home in the late teens, it'll be you and him 1 on 1 at home. How do you feel about that?

My guess is that these three instances on holiday are the tip of the iceberg. What are the chances he's a chilled, responsive, loving father and husband and only like this on holiday? It's nil, isn't it?

I have been there. If you already split once, nothing improved, and then this: he obviously isn't getting the message and won't change. You need to start making plans. You should probably learn from the last experience with your son. Maybe have conversations with him, start spending more time with him - any other male role models in your family? Good luck OP.

@HelpMEunderstand0

This.

Sorry, OP.

Think you were right in your decision last year. DS will eventually adjust, surely?

So basically you are the carer for all of them? Dh needs to be told how his behaviour is affecting everybody, but ultimately if he can't or won't change then he may have to accept marriage is over. Is the house large enough for you to have separate bedrooms but still live together for Ds sake?

The man is a cunt. Leave him otherwise you will be miserable for the rest of your life (or until you stab him with a knitting needle or something 🤷🏻‍♀️)

Your husband is a cunt, I couldn’t even bear to look at him.

Was the 8-year-old boy walking round the resort/bar/pool area bragging about how good he is at pool, that he can beat anyone, adults included etc? If so then I don’t blame your husband for taking him down a peg or two (although I agree there was no need for him to play aggressively and not say well done/good game) but there’s nothing worse than an arrogant kid, your DH probably taught him a good life lesson

The relationship is done, you are just dragging it out.

This holiday was the decider - surely it’s helped you make your decision.

I don’t understand why DS can’t live with DH and DD live with you if that’s what they’d both prefer?

An 8 year old??

A better lesson would have been for the child to have no one to play with.

How would an adult winning against a child take him down a peg or 2

Biggest hug.... your husbands behaviour is bloody awful i mean Maltesers all over the floor the disrespect is something else.
A little 8 yr old and he puts himself in competition with him god awful behaviour .
Speaking to your son the way he did id of got up took the kids and walked away he sounds like an absolute tosspot.

You and your children deserve a happier life than this his behaviour is rubbing off if your daughter is embarrassed and emotional and your son knocking the cue is already seeing this man's shitty attitude.

Id ask him to leave give you 3 some peace and space so you can decide whete to go next in your life id be coming away from him dont waste time if you're unhappy x x

It depends on whether he was behaving as i described in my post - bragging about being able to beat anyone including adults or he was just a boy who enjoyed playing pool and was very good at it. The second one, the husband’s BU, the first one, it’ll teach him
a valuable life lesson- no one likes an arrogant bragger, especially one whose claims don’t hold up

Yes, let's 'teach' that 8 year old with some nice aggression from an adult who they barely even know......🤔 fantastic idea.

NRTFT but have you posted about your husband before and your daughter not wanting him back in but your son begging for him back?

Something about your first few posts rings a bell.

So you - as a 6 foot 4 adult male in his 40s - would behave aggressively to an 8 yo to take him down a peg or two and you literally think that is justified?

I have nothing but contempt and disgust for you that you would say this and justify such grotesque bullying behaviour towards small children.

I was expecting to read examples of how you felt distant - maybe you were both on your phones a lot whilst the kids were in bed rather than making the effort to spend quality time together. However he just sounds like a complete c**t and your kids obviously struggle with him. I couldn’t put up with that (for my own sake or the kids’) at all and would LTB.

He sounds like a nasty bully who doesn't love his dc.

His neurodisability doesn't really come into that.

His feelings matter more than him scaring or upsetting your dc. He isn't prioritising them or their wellbeing. He prefers to use his anger to control his family for his own convenience.

Yep. She is teaching her kids that pandering to daddy is more important than their safety and stability.