Page 9 | AIBU to be shaken after fiancé stayed out all night?

TheBlueRobin · 2026-08-29T06:21:09+00:00

My fiance (M33) didn't come home last night after a night out in our nearest city. I (F33) am so shocked my anger hasn't kicked in yet. We get married in 7 weeks. He had this night out planned for a little while, going out with a work friend for some food and one of those interactive game places to do darts etc. Later in the night he bumped into a mutual friend of ours who I know is a big drinker and one for nights out. The last time I heard from him was 9:30 where he sent a selfie of the two of them and a comment about our friend's crazy stories. He said he was getting the last train at 11:30 so would be home around midnight. So I went to sleep. I wake up at 6am to our hungry cats, notice he is not in bed or the spare room and nothing on the Ring doorbell to show he had come home. I presumed he had stayed at friend's house in the city and just said 'look send me a message when you wake up and I can pick you up'. He replied quite quickly saying he was getting the first train home. I asked where he slept and he gave a garbled response saying our friend left him and by that time it was 2am. He went to a late night place and then just walked around and then slept outside a church. He had a thick rain coat on but I was so shocked at his response and disregard for his own personal safety. He had just been paid so could have afforded a taxi or got a cheap hotel or something. He was still quite drunk when I picked him up but he seemed remorseful and in fact quite shocked at his actions. He's sleeping it off now and we'll talk later. It was pouring with rain outside as well. For context, my partner does like a drink but is not a frequent drinker. His last crazy night out was his stag in June and before that a few months before. We do drink together. I have no concerns about him cheating or anything like being aggressive. But it feels like a switch goes in his head and he just has no regard for his actions and keeps drinking. He is a good, loving, kind, funny man, he is very loving, affectionate and we have a good relationship. But this has thrown me. If this happened more frequently I wouldn't be with him. If this was earlier in our relationship, it would be a big red flag. We got together in our mid twenties when this kind of thing could be laughed off as part of youth but at 33 you should know better.

DinoDoughnut81 · 30/08/2026 16:38

Periperi2025 · 30/08/2026 16:24

Using this post as a guage, how do we think OP would react to a middle of the night drunk phone call from her soon to be DH?!

Maybe he drunkanly risk assessed things and decided spending ££ on a taxi would be met with disapproval, spending £££ on a hotel room would be met with dissapporval and calls of 'cheat', phoning at 2am would be met with dissapproval. But sleeping on a bench for a few hours in summer as a grown man would be a low risk, low cost option, but clearly it turns out also met with mumsnet level dissaproval.

Maybe OP and her fiancee are simply not compatable, and even occasional heavy nights are not going to be tolerated by OP.

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I don't know what goes on in terms of acceptable behaviour in their relationship re ringing and asking for a lift. Or how she would feel if he rang her. But OP said herself she doesn't know why he didn't get a taxi or even hotel. It's summer but she said it was pouring with rain, he'd be soaked. He replied to her text straight away so how passed out and incomprehensible was he? On his church bench. He could answer her text but not text her first? Let her know what had happened. Like I said previously I went out with a mad mad drinker and this story, seems iffy to me.

Glitterballofdreams · 30/08/2026 16:41

I would not believe this story either. I’d say he’s either been taking drugs, partying all night or met someone. I do hope I am wrong though. I would be furious

Holidaymodeon · 30/08/2026 16:42

OneHangryGoldDeer · 30/08/2026 14:04

You're making things up that aren't in the OP.

Comprehension is a big problem on MN.

OP didn't say it was a big city. Just nearest city.

Last train was at 11.30pm. He was with a friend till 2am then went to another late night place. Knew there were no trains so wandered about and slept on a bench.

There'd be no taxis at the station at 2am and later, OPs DP also didn't say he was at the station at 6am when she text, just that he'd get the 1st train home but she picked him up still drunk at 6 something which since he was drinking till 3/4 maybe even later in a late night place seems obvious.

There are no holes and no evidence that anything happened other than what he said, he got pissed with a friend till 2am then went drinking at a late night place and then collapsed on a church bench and OP picked him up a couple of hours later.

Not stellar behaviour but that's what drinking for hours can do.

He replied to OPs text immediately so she didn't spend hours worrying about him, just a few minutes.

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He had enough capacity to ascertain the train and taxi situation therefore he had enough capacity to let his partner know what was happening

RedToothBrush · 30/08/2026 16:51

Periperi2025 · 30/08/2026 16:24

Using this post as a guage, how do we think OP would react to a middle of the night drunk phone call from her soon to be DH?!

Maybe he drunkanly risk assessed things and decided spending ££ on a taxi would be met with disapproval, spending £££ on a hotel room would be met with dissapporval and calls of 'cheat', phoning at 2am would be met with dissapproval. But sleeping on a bench for a few hours in summer as a grown man would be a low risk, low cost option, but clearly it turns out also met with mumsnet level dissaproval.

Maybe OP and her fiancee are simply not compatable, and even occasional heavy nights are not going to be tolerated by OP.

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Back in the day, you had a BT Friends and family card. I remembered my number and could call home on it if I needed to. I memorised the number. I didn't need the card physically with me.

It was drummed into me to always call if possible as the line of first response. Then to sort out other shit.

I had a mobile phone by this point, but didn't always take it out as it was a brick.

Doone22 · 30/08/2026 16:57

I honestly don't know why you're so shocked. It's typical drunk behaviour. If he's not a raging alcoholic and its occasional why are you so worked up? Have you never let your hair down and partied irresponsibly in your life?

Eddielizzard · 30/08/2026 17:00

Someone up thread said give him 6 months and see if he does it again. I think that's good advice - test his resolve and see how long he doesn't drink / doesn't get shit faced for

LimeShade · 30/08/2026 17:02

The being awake and responding as soon as you texted is a bad sign….’don't pick me up!’

AnonyMumAuDHD · 30/08/2026 17:03

DinoDoughnut81 · 30/08/2026 16:29

Smart phone? With WiFi internet where you can book Ubers and all other cab firms, touch of a button. You don't even need to know where you are with Uber, you don't need money either. You have your bank card on phone so no need for cash for other firms. I had a Nokia brick back then too as well but they were not as functional. If you were in a different city for instance you couldn't get a local taxi number.
And on a basic Nokia type phone your DH or his friends couldn't text you, even an incomprehensible one? He didn't answer his phone if you rang? Misssseddd trainin bleerrgghh type text rather than radio silence and people start to worry.
OPs fiance didn't sleep in the station he went there, left, then wandered around and then slept on a bench outside a church, in the rain.
Taxi drivers can't stop taking drunks, they'd go out of business!

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FFS Have you never been drunk? People get drunk and all the things that you cite, which are totally reasonable expectations of a SOBER person, go put the window.

And yes, I know of people who were so drunk they ‘just wandered around’. Sadly one of them recently ‘just wandered’ across a 4 lane motor way and was killed after getting hit by multiple cars. People forget themselves, get drunk at parties, common sense goes out of the window, they wander around until they collapse in a doorway or on a bench. Sometimes they are lucky enough to end up on a bench in a public space like a train station. Even today with phones.

And yes, many many taxi drivers expressly refuse blind drunk passengers… because there are a dozon sober and manageably drunk people in the queue behind them on a Friday or Saturday night. And they’d like to carry as many of them as possible not end up losing business for the rest of the night and following couple of days while they get the vomit cleaned out of their cars and the upholstery cleaned.

Not engaging with you any more because clearly you live in a world of exceptional temperance and perfect people who never make mistakes, drink too much occasionally or vomit when they do so.

DinoDoughnut81 · 30/08/2026 17:08

AnonyMumAuDHD · 30/08/2026 17:03

FFS Have you never been drunk? People get drunk and all the things that you cite, which are totally reasonable expectations of a SOBER person, go put the window.

And yes, I know of people who were so drunk they ‘just wandered around’. Sadly one of them recently ‘just wandered’ across a 4 lane motor way and was killed after getting hit by multiple cars. People forget themselves, get drunk at parties, common sense goes out of the window, they wander around until they collapse in a doorway or on a bench. Sometimes they are lucky enough to end up on a bench in a public space like a train station. Even today with phones.

And yes, many many taxi drivers expressly refuse blind drunk passengers… because there are a dozon sober and manageably drunk people in the queue behind them on a Friday or Saturday night. And they’d like to carry as many of them as possible not end up losing business for the rest of the night and following couple of days while they get the vomit cleaned out of their cars and the upholstery cleaned.

Not engaging with you any more because clearly you live in a world of exceptional temperance and perfect people who never make mistakes, drink too much occasionally or vomit when they do so.

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Yes and my partner of 20 years was a mad drinker, then an alcoholic proper and is now clean and sober for 6 years. So much experience and forgiveness on my behalf thank you x

Holidaymodeon · 30/08/2026 17:08

TheBlueRobin · 29/08/2026 21:37

Thanks for all the replies. I managed to have a normal conversation with him a few hours ago after he had slept for the whole day.

He reiterated that our friend left him in a bar, he went to a late night bar thinking that some other people were there, then he went to the train station, then wondered around, found himself on a bench by a church under a tree. However I do believe him as I know what he's like when he's had a lot to drink and it wouldn't be anything untoward.

I did tell him he's a fucking idiot to be so fucking reckless and have such a lack of personal responsibility and accountability. He was in a city with a high level of homelessness and crime, anything could have happened. I said I'm not even angry, it's beyond that but I am so disappointed and feel so sad. He lost his very expensive ear phones and I said good, he deserved to have some consequences of his actions.

He does however feel very shaken up and shocked at his own behaviour and vowed it won't happen again, he has apologised repeatedly etc. He has had he will give up drink all together. So I'm going to mull on it this week and see how I feel.

I rang my best friend who knows him and she agrees he wouldn't be hiding anything and that he loves me, but she doesn't blame me for questioning our future.

‘I did tell him he's a fucking idiot to be so fucking reckless and have such a lack of personal responsibility and accountability. He was in a city with a high level of homelessness and crime, anything could have happened. I said I'm not even angry, it's beyond that but I am so disappointed and feel so sad.’

i have been on every side of this coin, child of an alcoholic and drug user, became a problematic drinker and drug user myself from teens until early thirties, and have had many addicted friends and partners, as well as have worked in this field.

giving him this ‘telling off’ and telling him you’re disappointed and sad is unlikely to make any longterm difference, regardless of whether he loves you or not.
youre unlikely to ever know the truth about this night, nor, potentially, other nights to come.

He may feel embarrassed or ashamed or shocked by whatever happened.
he may hope and believe it will never happen again.

You only know how you feel, how you will react, how much you can take.
you can’t control or change him and you can’t predict the future.

many women put up with this sort of thing for ever because ’he loves me’ and believe he’d never cheat.
He may never cheat, he may never intend to cheat but he is seemingly putting himself into risky situations, supposedly when he’s compromised by alcohol, possibly drugs which, might well lead to him being unfaithful , even if he wouldn’t when sober.

I’m not sure how much of his rough sleeper story I believe, unless he has form for rough sleeping or has been homeless?

living with a person like this can be a constant game of cat and mouse, exhausting and draining .
it may be a one off or it might happen periodically, how you respond to it now is setting the scene for your future together or apart.

ReadBooksMorons · 30/08/2026 17:22

Why doesn't ir ring true? I (male) slept outside a church on my (worst ever) night out.

5128gap · 30/08/2026 17:41

You're right to see it as a red flag. I had a man just like this. No off switch. For years it was manageable as I'd usually be with him and the times he did it alone were rare enough I kept overlooking it. He too was lovely in every other way.
Over time though it became more problematic. I got sick and tired of worrying about his nights out and big events were more stressful than enjoyable because I felt I always had to be watching him. After the DC arrived it was even worse as him letting me down let them down too.
His drinking also escalated and he developed a drink problem in the more traditional sense.
If he hadn't eventually stopped drinking altogether I'm certain he'd be dead. Either from drunken accident or damage to his body.
People without an off switch have a serious problem and almost always have to give up drinking altogether.

thisismeithinkorisit · 30/08/2026 18:53

I wouldn't be thrilled obv but as you're sure he didn't cheat, breaking bup with him over this sounds ridiculous. I can oy assume you live your life as a constant example e of perfection who never has made a stupid decision.

He was foolish but he didn't do anything illegal, no body was hurt. Yes it must have been a shock this morning but you called and spoke to him so not light he'd spent hours telling you he'd be home, you'd sat up and he'd refused to answer his phone til he was home at 7 am!

Reallyneedsaholiday · 30/08/2026 18:54

Hellohelga · 30/08/2026 10:31

Is that you OP fiancé?

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???

RedToothBrush · 30/08/2026 19:10

AnonyMumAuDHD · 30/08/2026 17:03

FFS Have you never been drunk? People get drunk and all the things that you cite, which are totally reasonable expectations of a SOBER person, go put the window.

And yes, I know of people who were so drunk they ‘just wandered around’. Sadly one of them recently ‘just wandered’ across a 4 lane motor way and was killed after getting hit by multiple cars. People forget themselves, get drunk at parties, common sense goes out of the window, they wander around until they collapse in a doorway or on a bench. Sometimes they are lucky enough to end up on a bench in a public space like a train station. Even today with phones.

And yes, many many taxi drivers expressly refuse blind drunk passengers… because there are a dozon sober and manageably drunk people in the queue behind them on a Friday or Saturday night. And they’d like to carry as many of them as possible not end up losing business for the rest of the night and following couple of days while they get the vomit cleaned out of their cars and the upholstery cleaned.

Not engaging with you any more because clearly you live in a world of exceptional temperance and perfect people who never make mistakes, drink too much occasionally or vomit when they do so.

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I dated an alcoholic.

I dumped him because he was getting into so many reckless situations and leaving me waiting for him to report he was safe.

This is no way to live. The normalisation of it as something you should just tolerate is dreadful. No one should.

It is unacceptable behaviour.

It is not just going out and having fun. It is having a drink problem that negatively impacts their well being and the emotional well-being of a partner.

Don't be a mug and tolerate it, just so you get given the 'cool girlfriend/wife label'. It's disrespectful and not worth the stress.

Wisdomofcrowd · 30/08/2026 20:43

I feel for you, he hasn't at all considered your feelings. I don't think it necessarily means cheating I'm surprised when everyone jumps to this. However it shows an unhealthy relationship with substances even if just alcohol if suddenly he doesn't communicate with seemingly the most important person in his life - you've got to respond in a way that sets your boundaries and the tone of the marriage. It's perfectly ok to say it isn't ok and if it happens again that will be a sign you are incompatible, I don't know your situation starting out but if you were to have a baby early in marriage he could very well start this sort of behaviour again when your powerless and breastfeeding for example - I think you need to establish if your on the same page. Even binge drinking is problematic. I'd suggest the book Alcohol Explained by William Porter - he might not have an alcohol problem but read it and see what you think - I speak from experience where this behaviour became the way in my relationship for a while and it was quite a period of suffering if I'm honest. I'd have been more reassured if I'd have understood what was going on. Good luck xx

whatsnewbuttercup · 30/08/2026 20:47

Gandalf’s in town!

AnonyMumAuDHD · 30/08/2026 23:48

RedToothBrush · 30/08/2026 19:10

I dated an alcoholic.

I dumped him because he was getting into so many reckless situations and leaving me waiting for him to report he was safe.

This is no way to live. The normalisation of it as something you should just tolerate is dreadful. No one should.

It is unacceptable behaviour.

It is not just going out and having fun. It is having a drink problem that negatively impacts their well being and the emotional well-being of a partner.

Don't be a mug and tolerate it, just so you get given the 'cool girlfriend/wife label'. It's disrespectful and not worth the stress.

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OP is not describing an alcoholic. She is describing a man she loves who is an infrequent drinker who drank too much on this ONE occasion. She is right to feel shaken, she is entitled to tear a strip off him - it does not mean he is an alcoholic or that he is lying and went home with anyone.

My DH did this not infrequently over the 10 years before we got married - half a dozen times. His friends have done it as often. I’VE done it once or twice, back in my 20s/early 30s, and had to be taken home by a responsible friend - usually one I had done the same for at some point. NONE of us are alcoholics. We were just stupid, young and reckless. It is not ‘unacceptable behaviour’. It is human beings being fallible, being dicks, being foolish under the influence on a handful of occasions. Recognising this is not my bid to be a ‘cool’ wife or girlfriend - it was me maturely accepting that people are not perfect and that they make mistakes. If it becomes a habit or they do it when you have kids and responsibilities, then you are a fool to stay - but nothing in OP’s post suggests he does this every week or that it is common. In fact she expressly states the opposite.

I am sorry that people here have had bad experiences with alcoholic partners - but OP’s TWO posts do not suggest he is anything other that a bloke that had too much to drink, failed to make it home and failed to call her to tell her where he was. She is within her rights to be livid with him for being so reckless.

But there is no need to read anything more into it or for people to be hysterically accusing this man of being an alcoholic!

Hyperbolically · 30/08/2026 23:48

It sounds like you’ve already sorted this but I would
like to add. You need to have a chat about whether staying out all night is acceptable in your relationship. Some on here will say that you can’t control someone and that they should be free to come and go as they please and some will say they would not accept it. What is important is that you do not marry him until you know what is acceptable to both of you. You do not want to end up posting on here about a similar incident in 5 years time but he is now less remorseful and have 50 women tell you that shouldn’t have married him knowing he is capable of behaving like this. I would postpone the wedding wedding personally. I think this is a red flag.

Mamaaa333 · 31/08/2026 07:09

My ex did something like this once, claimed to have fallen asleep on a bench on the way home. After we split up he admitted he had actually cheated. He also was very upset with himself and insisted he was giving up drinking because he was shocked at his behaviour. Looking back now it was obvious what had happened, I would suggest you check his locations and any smart watch data if possible.

Boomer55 · 31/08/2026 07:17

Story sounds plausible, although something more that teenagers might do. If you’ve no other isues, I’d just have a chat about personal safety, and then forget it and look forward to your wedding.

BigPurpleBookQueen · 31/08/2026 07:53

Sounds like he missed the last train & drunk men do not think logically, getting a taxi probably didn’t occur to him. Also men don’t tend to have the same safety fears as women even if they are just as vulnerable.

Original poster

TheBlueRobin · 31/08/2026 08:55

Hello all. So many messages here, I have read each one.

The friend he went out with - his girlfriend messaged me the day after with a very light hearted message about how the two of them had a good time and that her partner was ridiculously hungover. She said that her partner apologises as he can't remember getting home and thinks he may have left my partner in the bar. They never hang out just the two of them (they only know each other through me and his girlfriend) so didn't have each other's number.

I questioned him again about his whereabouts. The late night place was an alternative/metal venue they had been earlier in the night. I've been there before. He went there as it was quite chilled out and safe with sofas. I could ask for cctv if I wanted to but I do believe that.

He said he doesn't know why he didn't find an alternative way home. He just remembers thinking 'I'll wait for the first train'. He won't have gone to anywhere seedy and doesn't do hard drugs. He'll have had a greasy burger and gone to sleep. He can usually be found in a corner chatting to someone intensely about coding or some niche video game he's playing.

I've had several long conversations to him about his conduct. He's on the sofa bed for a few days. I've said to him he needs to take a long hard look at himself and his relationship with alcohol if he can't switch off. Sounds extreme but his Mum is a heavy drinker and I worry about any familial patterns there.
I want him to have a social life, I'm far more social than him normally. But that I will pick him up from anything late at night in the city and we will be sharing locations (didn't have Life360 before and don't have Apple devices). He agreed to both.

I've told him he has pushed me to my limit and I'm still not quite there with him yet. He had some fancy strong Belgian beers in the house and I made a point of pouring them away and leaving the bottles on the side.

There is talk here of red flags and repeat patterns in the future. I don't have a crystal ball. But we've had 8 years together, supported each other through changing careers, lots of travels and good memories and he was there without question when my Mum died. We thankfully can talk through things. My dad was a heavy drinker and used to minimise my Mum's feelings about his unreasonable behaviour. I'm worried my bar is low from what I grew up with but my partner is overall a much better person than my Dad. My foundations have been shaken but not broken.

OP posts:

MandemChickenShop · 31/08/2026 09:17

crikey, young man got pissed up, didn't get into any trouble, didn't do any wrong and managed the consequences and still gets the riot act! poor guy.

Alwaystired23 · 31/08/2026 09:43

I think pouring his beers away was a bit mean. And I say that as a adult child of an alcoholic, so I do understand what it's like to grow up with an alcoholic parent.