AIBU to be shaken after fiancé stayed out all night?

He could be lying, but he could be lying in many different contexts about many different situations throughout his life, like anyone can, that is why the word/emotion/concept of 'trust' exists, because none of us acutally know or have the means to evidence everything anyone says to us.

Equally he could have slept on a bench in summer for a few hours before catching an early train home, in order to save some £, in what is obviously going to be an expensive few months.

Hmm if he's drunk that much it's likely he wouldn't have been capable

Tell us how OP should go about this request, and on what basis.

Oh get over yourself hun.

Different standards because I used the F word? That's what you're saying he did, even if you dislike the word.

And OP is entitled of course to not marry someone for any reason.

But people claiming he must be a liar simply have no idea about the effects of binge-drinking.

Picking holes basically saying well of course a sensible person would have done X, Y, or Z, got a taxi or whatever is the equivalent of saying 'why would a drunk person get behind the wheel of a car?' why would a drubk person text their EX? Why would a drunk person get into a fight? When there are so many more sensible choices.

Because they're drunk! That's what alcohol does. It intoxicates. It makes people insensible.

It's nothing to do with 'standards'. Just education and knowledge.

I’m sure even the mere suggestion of this to her Fiance will encourage him to tell the truth!! Personally I’d make him ask the church, surely if it’s of him there won’t be any GDPR breaches or whatever ??

Not to me and I went out with a major pisshead for many years who never developed a tolerance to alcohol. Fully aware of mad things people do when drunk which is why I find this iffy.
Sleeping outside in the rain, in a rough city when you could have got a taxi, after the "late night place". Instead you walked around and slept on a bench. Oh ok then aha.
Don't know what he has or hasn't done. Neither do you. I just feel its iffy as.

@TheBlueRobin I wake up at 6am to our hungry cats, notice he is not in bed or the spare room and nothing on the Ring doorbell to show he had come home. I presumed he had stayed at friend's house in the city and just said 'look send me a message when you wake up and I can pick you up'. He replied quite quickly saying he was getting the first train home. I asked where he slept and he gave a garbled response saying our friend left him and by that time it was 2am. He went to a late night place and then just walked around and then slept outside a church. He had a thick rain coat on but I was so shocked at his response and disregard for his own personal safety.

I think your fiance is far too old for this.

Hmm.

His phone was still working. He was out in the city only 30 mins train journey away.

At no point during the night did he think "Oh BlueRobin will be worried about me, I should at least send her a message to say I'm ok and having issues with getting back". Never mind "BlueRobin, I've got a problem. Is there any chance you could rescue me?". Or simply, "Can you give me a call as soon as you get this message? I'm fine, no need to worry but I had an issue."

Not once.

Even when very pissed this thought process isn't difficult.

AND it was a wet night. Have you ever slept out in the city overnight? Even in the summer it can get cold, and if you get wet you will get really cold.

Really? Its pissing it down and you have your phone still and you don't even consider looking for a hotel in the city?! Instead you just walk around aimless and sleep outside a bloody church?!

Come ON!

I'm sorry OP, but he's lying.

And even if he isn't, he isn't considering you. You aren't part of his thought process. The fact you might be worried isn't even on his radar. Never mind the personal safety shite.

Would you trust a man who can't look after himself and contact someone if he has a problem with a kid?

Fuck no.

Cancel the wedding. He needs to grow the fuck up. Alcohol ISN'T the issue here.

I agree.

I've had dozens, probably hundreds of drunken nights back in the day where I ended up not going home/throwing up/one night stands etc.

Not one of them resulted in me sleeping rough. I don't believe it.

@OneHangryGoldDeer That's what alcohol does. Especially when you binge drink infrequently.

Binge drinking at the age of 33... ... ...?

He was sober enough at 6am to be able to work out how to operate the phone and answer it.

Being really drunk isn't the excuse people seem to think it is here.

But it feels like a switch goes in his head and he just has no regard for his actions and keeps drinking.
He does 'like a drink' but its 'infrequent'. It doesn't matter if its infrequent. You don't want to ever be sat at home waiting for him to come home because he's gone on one of his rare benders.

If this happened more frequently I wouldn't be with him.
The bender part is the problem - it doesn't get better because its infrequent. Not if you intend to get married. All this means is you are willing to set yourself up for this situation at some point in the future because he's an over grown teen. You do not want to be in this position if you have kids. Not even for one night.

If this was earlier in our relationship, it would be a big red flag.
Its still a red flag. You are making multiple excuses for him and down playing this. Don't do this. You will regret it. You will think of this thread the next time it happens. And it will happen if he's so feckless he can't manage to send you a text.

We got together in our mid twenties when this kind of thing could be laughed off as part of youth but at 33 you should know better.
Well yes. That's the point.

At the very least, postpone the wedding. He needs to grow the fuck up.

You do not want to be living waiting up for him because he's this bloody irresponsible.

My DH (sometimes with a friend) missed the last trains from Waterloo or Victoria in their 20/30’s after boys drinking sessions and often ended up sleeping on a bench at the station (or falling asleep on the train and waking up at 5am in the sidings or as it pulled back out on the first run of the day the next morning!!). I was never impressed, because I worried myself sick, but it wasn’t uncommon amongst his mates at the time. They all grew out of it once they married/had kids. All of them are still happily married and in the process of celebrating 25th/30th wedding anniversaries and many 60th birthdays are on the horizon, so not a sign that that they were playing away, or doing anything dodgy… just that they were a bunch of immature pissheads. They are still immature pissheads when they get together (rolls eyes), just much much older now!

I did not know this was a thing.
However, I just tried it on my phone and visited places is off. I’d have to toggle it on. I’ve never touched it before so assume maybe it’s not automatically set as on?

Pre mobile phone though. If you are sober enough to go to a train station and see no trains, you can get a taxi or send a text or ring. You have all kind of options now that you didn't have then. You don't need physical cash, taxi numbers, phone boxes etc. Theres a level of expectation now around communicating too in relationships. People are freaked out now if you are MIA.

Of course he didn't sleep outside a church.

My ex H was an alcoholic. And I know that on one occasion, after I had left him because of his drinking life style, he left his usual drinking haunt and was so drunk he fell asleep in a doorway near the pub and woke up the next day to find his money and his bank card gone.
But this was many years ago before mobile phones. And he was an habitual heavy drinker. So actually a very believable scenario and surprising only that he wasn't actually physically assaulted.

But I don't believe OP's fiancé 's story because why the guilt for heaven's sake? What is thiis late night place ? At the very least he has been to a lap dancing club or strip club.
I agree with pp that OP needs to find out what actually happened before she marries this man. Because this won't be a one off. Even if it's infrequent this type of thing will keep occurring and will eat away at her trust in him.

Indeed.

He had a mobile phone which still had battery. He had money in his bank account as he had just been paid. He was capable enough to answer the phone when the OP rang. All the excuses presented here are such utter bullshit.

Best case - he is thirty-fucking-three and gets so fucking drunk he's too incapable and too selfish to let his fiancee know that he is ok and instead is so fuckwitted he is unable to manage a minor crisis situation and sort his shit out when he actually has the means to do so. Inept and useless don't cover this.

Worse case - he's a lying liar.

Both are good reasons not to marry such a man.

Erm no. We had mobile phones in the late 90s/00s and he and his friends were still expected to call their WAGS. We had the same expectations around communication then too. Mobile phones were common in London plus everyone knew their landline numbers by heart and carried phone cards. We’re talking 1999-2005 not the 1899-1905. We were all pretty freaked out when the lads went MIA and the WAGS all called each other continually.

And if you are drunk enough to fall asleep on a train or station bench, or end up in a siding overnight, you are not in the state of mind to call home are you? I know lots of people who have made it to the station on autopilot (male and female) and still not had the wherewithal to get a taxi - who are totally unlikely to carry you anyway these days as they are fed up of drunks getting sick in their cars.

It sounds as though OP’s fiancé may have had one of those nights - @TheBlueRobin is still within her rights to be shaken and to tear a strip off him, though. We all did. Hopefully it’s a just rare occurrence and he’ll realise how much he’s upset you OP.

@TheBlueRobin

I do believe him as I know what he's like when he's had a lot to drink

Well, if you marry him you can’t say you had no idea what he was like. Good luck, OP.

Has he had his Stag do yet? I'm sure that was/will be fun. 😉

You've just reminded me of a colleague who fell into a skip (how? I don't know!) while we were all messily 'walking' to the station after a particularly good after-work drink. We tried getting him out - as best we could without falling in too - but he was all settled and said to leave him to sober up.

He was very early to work the next day, as he'd spent the night in the skip a few yards from the office 😂

Using this post as a guage, how do we think OP would react to a middle of the night drunk phone call from her soon to be DH?!

Maybe he drunkanly risk assessed things and decided spending ££ on a taxi would be met with disapproval, spending £££ on a hotel room would be met with dissapporval and calls of 'cheat', phoning at 2am would be met with dissapproval. But sleeping on a bench for a few hours in summer as a grown man would be a low risk, low cost option, but clearly it turns out also met with mumsnet level dissaproval.

Maybe OP and her fiancee are simply not compatable, and even occasional heavy nights are not going to be tolerated by OP.

Smart phone? With WiFi internet where you can book Ubers and all other cab firms, touch of a button. You don't even need to know where you are with Uber, you don't need money either. You have your bank card on phone so no need for cash for other firms. I had a Nokia brick back then too as well but they were not as functional. If you were in a different city for instance you couldn't get a local taxi number.
And on a basic Nokia type phone your DH or his friends couldn't text you, even an incomprehensible one? He didn't answer his phone if you rang? Misssseddd trainin bleerrgghh type text rather than radio silence and people start to worry.
OPs fiance didn't sleep in the station he went there, left, then wandered around and then slept on a bench outside a church, in the rain.
Taxi drivers can't stop taking drunks, they'd go out of business!

the fact he responded so quickly is interesting.
Why is he so ‘shaken up’ if all he did was wander around and fall asleep on a bench?

33 is not too old for people who like to get on it or get wrecked, some people do it their whole lives so if that’s his style then you’re unlikely to see him mature any further the longer you’re together.

also that he was not with his friend, unless he was still partying he would surely have come home when his friend left.

I’d assume an all nighter means his drink problem is more serious than you’re saying here, or he was getting on it/ on the bag or he met someone, being shaken up could in fact be a guilty conscience or feeling fragile as after effects of getting wrecked.