AIBU to be shaken after fiancé stayed out all night?

@OneHangryGoldDeer That's what alcohol does. Especially when you binge drink infrequently.

Binge drinking at the age of 33... ... ...?

Hello all. So many messages here, I have read each one.

The friend he went out with - his girlfriend messaged me the day after with a very light hearted message about how the two of them had a good time and that her partner was ridiculously hungover. She said that her partner apologises as he can't remember getting home and thinks he may have left my partner in the bar. They never hang out just the two of them (they only know each other through me and his girlfriend) so didn't have each other's number.

I questioned him again about his whereabouts. The late night place was an alternative/metal venue they had been earlier in the night. I've been there before. He went there as it was quite chilled out and safe with sofas. I could ask for cctv if I wanted to but I do believe that.

He said he doesn't know why he didn't find an alternative way home. He just remembers thinking 'I'll wait for the first train'. He won't have gone to anywhere seedy and doesn't do hard drugs. He'll have had a greasy burger and gone to sleep. He can usually be found in a corner chatting to someone intensely about coding or some niche video game he's playing.

I've had several long conversations to him about his conduct. He's on the sofa bed for a few days. I've said to him he needs to take a long hard look at himself and his relationship with alcohol if he can't switch off. Sounds extreme but his Mum is a heavy drinker and I worry about any familial patterns there.
I want him to have a social life, I'm far more social than him normally. But that I will pick him up from anything late at night in the city and we will be sharing locations (didn't have Life360 before and don't have Apple devices). He agreed to both.

I've told him he has pushed me to my limit and I'm still not quite there with him yet. He had some fancy strong Belgian beers in the house and I made a point of pouring them away and leaving the bottles on the side.

There is talk here of red flags and repeat patterns in the future. I don't have a crystal ball. But we've had 8 years together, supported each other through changing careers, lots of travels and good memories and he was there without question when my Mum died. We thankfully can talk through things. My dad was a heavy drinker and used to minimise my Mum's feelings about his unreasonable behaviour. I'm worried my bar is low from what I grew up with but my partner is overall a much better person than my Dad. My foundations have been shaken but not broken.

The red flags are mostly with you OP.

One drunk night out in summer and an early train ride home, and you're talking about tracking him, pouring his beers away and sticking him on the sofa to 'punish' him.

If this was a man being this controlling towards a women, particularly a childfree one, who deviated slightly from her planned night out, everyone would be telling her to leave ASAP.

I think she’s mitigating any future drunken behaviour. Which I get given past experiences and let downs. Go hard now -so he knows she’s serious but they can relax going forward. I’m sure he’s feeling like a bit of an t**t and seems contrite, so let’s hope this leads to a more cohesive understanding where they each collect each other if they can’t get home etc. No crystal ball as the OP states but doing this now may be an effective way of getting her message across. Better now than when they are married, possibly have kids in the mix, etc.

Hello all. So many messages here, I have read each one.

The friend he went out with - his girlfriend messaged me the day after with a very light hearted message about how the two of them had a good time and that her partner was ridiculously hungover. She said that her partner apologises as he can't remember getting home and thinks he may have left my partner in the bar. They never hang out just the two of them (they only know each other through me and his girlfriend) so didn't have each other's number.

I questioned him again about his whereabouts. The late night place was an alternative/metal venue they had been earlier in the night. I've been there before. He went there as it was quite chilled out and safe with sofas. I could ask for cctv if I wanted to but I do believe that.

He said he doesn't know why he didn't find an alternative way home. He just remembers thinking 'I'll wait for the first train'. He won't have gone to anywhere seedy and doesn't do hard drugs. He'll have had a greasy burger and gone to sleep. He can usually be found in a corner chatting to someone intensely about coding or some niche video game he's playing.

I've had several long conversations to him about his conduct. He's on the sofa bed for a few days. I've said to him he needs to take a long hard look at himself and his relationship with alcohol if he can't switch off. Sounds extreme but his Mum is a heavy drinker and I worry about any familial patterns there.
I want him to have a social life, I'm far more social than him normally. But that I will pick him up from anything late at night in the city and we will be sharing locations (didn't have Life360 before and don't have Apple devices). He agreed to both.

I've told him he has pushed me to my limit and I'm still not quite there with him yet. He had some fancy strong Belgian beers in the house and I made a point of pouring them away and leaving the bottles on the side.

There is talk here of red flags and repeat patterns in the future. I don't have a crystal ball. But we've had 8 years together, supported each other through changing careers, lots of travels and good memories and he was there without question when my Mum died. We thankfully can talk through things. My dad was a heavy drinker and used to minimise my Mum's feelings about his unreasonable behaviour. I'm worried my bar is low from what I grew up with but my partner is overall a much better person than my Dad. My foundations have been shaken but not broken.

But there not compatible, she is using controlling and coercive behavior to make him be how she wants him to be.

She may well of had bad experiences in childhood, but she needs to deal with that herself.

He hasn't actually behaved terribly, all he did was stay out a bit longer than planned and get the early train home, in the summer when it is warm overnight, as a man (who gets the privalege to sleep on a bench with minimal risk to himself), at a time when he is still young (ish) and childfree. If he was able to phone and navigate the rail system at 7am then he likely wasn't even hugely drunk in the scheme of things.

So his friend got his girlfriend to cover for him. There is NO WAY she messaged you with this carefully worded and oh so inconvenient information off her own back. How bloody strange. That's that then, he's lying.

Sounds extreme? No it sounds incredibly lenient. He got so fucked up with alcohol he passed out in the pouring rain - or he stayed somewhere he should not have been. These are the two options.

Well, you know what's coming, so you can't say you weren't warned.

So his friend got his girlfriend to cover for him. There is NO WAY she messaged you with this carefully worded and oh so inconvenient information off her own back. How bloody strange. That's that then, he's lying.

Sounds extreme? No it sounds incredibly lenient. He got so fucked up with alcohol he passed out in the pouring rain - or he stayed somewhere he should not have been. These are the two options.

Well, you know what's coming, so you can't say you weren't warned.

But there not compatible, she is using controlling and coercive behavior to make him be how she wants him to be.

She may well of had bad experiences in childhood, but she needs to deal with that herself.

He hasn't actually behaved terribly, all he did was stay out a bit longer than planned and get the early train home, in the summer when it is warm overnight, as a man (who gets the privalege to sleep on a bench with minimal risk to himself), at a time when he is still young (ish) and childfree. If he was able to phone and navigate the rail system at 7am then he likely wasn't even hugely drunk in the scheme of things.

I don't think you understand what controlling and coercive means.

I can completely believe his story as men have a completely different sense of risk and danger to women. Most of us wouldn't dream of wondering around like that, we would get a cab, a hotel room, or call someone, but I know plenty of men who would wander around for a couple of hours waiting for the first train or snooze on a beach. I think we struggle to belive it happens as it just wouldn't cross our minds to do it.
Sounds like his relationship with alcohol might be a little problem though as the OP says.

@TheBlueRobin sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you made it very clear to him that the relationship will be over if he ever does anything like this this again? A drunken night out is one thing but going missing and lying to you are the bits that should be a deal breaker.

Not a chance in hell would i ever trust or believe a word of anything from a man who stays out all night. That would be the end of it for me personally.

Hello all. So many messages here, I have read each one.

The friend he went out with - his girlfriend messaged me the day after with a very light hearted message about how the two of them had a good time and that her partner was ridiculously hungover. She said that her partner apologises as he can't remember getting home and thinks he may have left my partner in the bar. They never hang out just the two of them (they only know each other through me and his girlfriend) so didn't have each other's number.

I questioned him again about his whereabouts. The late night place was an alternative/metal venue they had been earlier in the night. I've been there before. He went there as it was quite chilled out and safe with sofas. I could ask for cctv if I wanted to but I do believe that.

He said he doesn't know why he didn't find an alternative way home. He just remembers thinking 'I'll wait for the first train'. He won't have gone to anywhere seedy and doesn't do hard drugs. He'll have had a greasy burger and gone to sleep. He can usually be found in a corner chatting to someone intensely about coding or some niche video game he's playing.

I've had several long conversations to him about his conduct. He's on the sofa bed for a few days. I've said to him he needs to take a long hard look at himself and his relationship with alcohol if he can't switch off. Sounds extreme but his Mum is a heavy drinker and I worry about any familial patterns there.
I want him to have a social life, I'm far more social than him normally. But that I will pick him up from anything late at night in the city and we will be sharing locations (didn't have Life360 before and don't have Apple devices). He agreed to both.

I've told him he has pushed me to my limit and I'm still not quite there with him yet. He had some fancy strong Belgian beers in the house and I made a point of pouring them away and leaving the bottles on the side.

There is talk here of red flags and repeat patterns in the future. I don't have a crystal ball. But we've had 8 years together, supported each other through changing careers, lots of travels and good memories and he was there without question when my Mum died. We thankfully can talk through things. My dad was a heavy drinker and used to minimise my Mum's feelings about his unreasonable behaviour. I'm worried my bar is low from what I grew up with but my partner is overall a much better person than my Dad. My foundations have been shaken but not broken.