Discovered messages between DP and someone else

Im sorry OP, this is disgusting and definitely crosses a line. I wouldn’t be texting him. Wait until you see him in person so you can think through what you want to say and see his reaction. Otherwise you’re just giving him time to ‘get his story straight’.

Those messages are grim
They both sound so stupid . ‘.. Lady Spray’ ., yuck
I think the poster who suggested that you tell your dp that you are aware that something is happening between him and another women and ask him to be honest . If you tell him that you have read his messages he will deflect and focus on the fact you have invaded his privacy
Op, are the messages a dealbreaker for you ?

He’s grim isn’t he? Agree there’s no point messaging him while he’s away. 💐

What a dickhead! Surely it's only a matter of time before there's a work night out or something and they physically cheat 🙁

Can you tell him not to come home?
Make him worried/ squirm for a bit if he has to come back.

"Morning, good night out? A top 5 night?"

The messages are definitely flirty. It does look like she’s pushing it though as from what you have posted so far, she’s the one bringing it up. They’ve clearly spoken like this for a while as they seem very comfortable with each other.

He will use the excuse of it’s just a bit of fun/ banter and nothing happened because she’s married too.

i wouldn’t message him at all, I wouldn’t bring anything up until he’s home. I would let him panic a little though so if he messages you I would probably read them
and ignore everything he says.

He needs to get in the bin
Tell him not to bother coming home, send him the screenshots, and tell him you're done

I don’t think I could ever let a man who talked about ‘lady spray’ near me ever again. It indicates a serious misogynistic streak. Does he watch manosphere videos?

He’s cheating on you OP, even if they haven’t slept together. And if he plays it down just imagine to yourself how he would feel if you were messaging your colleagues about their lovely legs and how fun it would be to have sex with them in the back of their cars.

There’s nothing about that text message exchange that could be made to say you are overreacting, it’s gross.

Honestly I think I'll get slated for this, but i wouldn't be in a "leave my husband" place over this. Confront him, yes. But it seems to me that she's been trying pretty hard to push something here and he's caved to it in a few instances.

I agree with you. She's after him for an affair, there's little doubt about that, but all he's done so far is mild and includes a push back "you aren't going to dirty the back of my car, thanks".

It's not good at all but it's not divorce material yet.

I'd be very worried about what seems to pass for office banter among the women in that office, though. And how he can put a stop to this in that environment.

That would be relationship ending for me.

I agree. About 25 years ago I slipped into almost this territory of messages with a work colleague. (Not as gross as OP’s DP and his back seat comments by any stretch.)

My DP now DH saw my screen and said ‘you’re being flirty and I don’t like it’ and that stopped me right in my tracks. It still makes me feel awful remembering it now. It was instantly enough to open my eyes that I was crossing a line and being massively disrespectful. It stopped right there and I’ve never done anything like it again.

She's after him for an affair ...I'd be very worried about what seems to pass for office banter among the women in that office,

Unbelievable!

He is a grown man in a relationship. He has obviously willingly become so friendly with this women they are on the brink, at the very least, of embarking on a physical affair. He is NOT an unwilling victim being groomed. He is an active participant in what is going on. Please stop the poor weak man, nasty predatory women narrative.

It does sound like she is encouraging this but he is joining in, I would screenshot the messages and send them to your phone. I would be tempted to tell him you have sent them to her husband and watch his reaction.

Please don't tell me what to write, we are all entitled to our own opinions and mine is that this is not yet worth throwing him out for.

How on earth do you get on knowing that there are happily married women who've forgiven their husbands for having an affair out there?

He is engaging in this relationship with this woman. He is not a victim. He is an active participant.

If he had any respect or love for OP he would not " cave in". He would have drawn back as soon as the relationship with this woman crossed the line into an inappropriate one. He hasn't. He is moving into affair territory.

It's up to OP whether she can ever trust him after this. Especially as this is a woman he works with.

Even if there was no other woman involved, him saying 'lady spray' in any context would forever ban him from my bed.

Grim.

I couldn’t wait, wouldn’t have the patience at all and wouldn’t want to stew all day and night again. Send the screenshots with no context and see what happens.

Obviously do not forward the message to his friends and family or colleagues. That is atrocious advice. Your personal life isn’t gossip fodder or entertainment for other people. It will just make you look crazy and push people onto his side.

take a moment and don’t do anything rash. He’s not home till Sunday, that gives you time to decide what you actually want. We haven’t seen all the messages so only you know whether it points towards anything physical. Or if it’s stayed at risqué flirting.

what do you want, what outcome are you aiming for. Ending it, sticking together, leaving his job etc.

take today to decide and then go into tomorrow confident when you confront him.

One of the things that strikes me is how crude the exchanges are.
Admittedly more grim remarks from her than him.
Does he enjoy this sort of talk OP ?
Is it out of character?

Are you not shocked by a man talking about how good he is at sex, because usually they aren't. Does this talk not put you off him full stop.

Exactly. Gross.

No they don't, not unless they want to be suspended for inappropriate behaviour.