Discovered messages between DP and someone else

I am so sorry you are going through this . It is cheating , it is (at least) the start of an emotional affair and they have taken it up a notch by being sexually explicit .

I agree with others that it doesn’t seem like it is advanced . Can you see if he has messaged her when he had been away with his friends ? As that is telling if , whilst he is away he is checking in / communicating with her when he should be contacting you .

It has crossed many lines . You have to be aware that he will try and minimise / gaslight you . He will say that it was just fun / escapism and that nothing ever happened . That may be the case , but he is certainly giving a very strong impression that he / she wanted something to happen . The intention / thoughts were there for both of them . They may never have taken it to the physical level - you don’t know .

It is different to porn , a celeb crush etc as he is interacting with a real person from his day to day life and there is the possibility at least that something could happen .

I know it is embarrassing / awkward but I think it would also help you if you are able to speak to / confide in someone in real life . Someone who can be on your side but not
immediately leap to LTB . It will take you out of your own head .

This is not necessarily relationship ending for you both , but could be . He has totally disrespected you and your relationship . Factors will include your own red lines , has he crossed them for you? How does he react when you confront him - is he genuinely remorseful / apologetic ? How can trust be re- built if you decide to give him another chance . Couples counselling should be considered if you are wanting to continue in the relationship .

Take care of yourself , this is an emotionally hard time for you to deal with .

This. A thousand times over.

I didn’t say he wasn’t engaged in it. I said it was led by her (which it is), and that he should have shut it down.

Literally yes! Lots of over promising and under delivery in my experience

Tramp? Are you 85 years? If you are. we don't use those terms to describe women anymore.

Yes because the men are usually rubbish in bed

If you had to pull him up on it, perhaps it is in his nature a bit and he moderates it with you because you've made it clear you don't like it? Not a criticism, I don't like that stuff either, just a suggestion perhaps he is hiding that part of his personality?

There is some heavy flirting here, so it's clear they both fancy each other. I'm not convinced it's gone any further...at the moment. It may not go any further but there's a higher likelihood, if they work for the same company, than if they were random strangers who connected online.

At first it looked like she was pushing the boundaries and he was stupidly following but the second example is more him. Essentially as bad as one another.

You need to speak to him in person. He may have had no intention of taking the flirting beyond what it is. However, if he's flirting with another women, it says he's looking for attention elsewhere. Is that because he's unhappy in your relationship or because she's giving him a good ego boost and he's too weak to resist? None of which excuses his behaviour.

Did you read the 2nd one though?

It sounds very crude and full on, from both of them and especially her. It’s not a mild flirtation or a hint of something between them. I could personally not forgive that.

He's absolutely encouraging her! What are you reading??

I wouldn't be impressed to read these messages from my DP
But, it does look more like she's pushing it than him, yes he's responding rather than shutting it down but his responses are pretty crude rather than flirty and he doesn't seem to be encouraging her.
I think you're doing the right thing both in screenshots and in leaving it until he gets back.
Hopefully he's contrite, if so then he doesn't get a LTB from me

To add:

I’ve read the second exchange now and it’s worse from him. I would be devastated and fuming over this. LTB territory.

If it was me, I’d be setting up another messenger account on my phone and having a similar conversation with myself. Then when dp saw the messages on the tablet and went beserk I’d show him his screenshotted ones

He’s engaging fully in it. There is not reticence or discomfort.

That exchange is definitely led by her. He doesn’t seems like he is attempting to get any sexy talk out of her at all. BUT he still should have shut it down more cleanly.

What are the others like?

The lady spray comment would be the end for me. You said that he doesn’t use crude remarks because you pulled him up about it early on OP, but clearly he does with other people and maybe he does like them and is just careful around you. Also he has sent a photo of his trip with friends, but is he with them all the time? He could slip off and see backseat. Lying by omission? I would wait until he comes back and confront him face to face to assess his reactions. Don’t let him know beforehand so he can prepare and don’t let him normalise it as banter. It’s not, just imagine if the tables were turned and you had sent similar very sexual messages to a colleague.

I’m not someone who thinks men and women can’t be friends, but I would absolutely consider this cheating purely because of how disrespectful it is. I’m not advising you to, but I would end a relationship over this.

He’s telling her without saying the exact words that he finds her attractive and wants to have sex with her in his car.

She was definitely instigating this, but he’s so pathetically weak that he didn’t even try to shut it down.

This won’t end well. I’m not going to tell you to confront him or anything because that’s for you to decide how you approach this, but depending on your living situation, whether you have kids together, etc. (sorry if I missed it in the OP), I would probably just block him and not leave him wondering.

I hope you’re okay. Just take some time for yourself today if you can and clear your thoughts a little before you decide what to do. He’s a prick and he deserves someone trashy enough to find “lady spray” a turn on 🤢.

Edited to add: sorry, just saw in the first line of your OP, it says you live together. I’m running on very little sleep after moving house yesterday, so totally missed that.

I think you’re right to wait to confront him and try to enjoy your own day. Do you have someone in real life you can talk to?

Is he away with her? If there are no messages between them while he’s away. I would be very suspicious.

Who talks like this with just friends?! Agree with the previous poster - just grim!

The trust I’d need would have gone with this. I’d be out the door.

You deserve better than this OP. It’s massively disrespectful.

You are definitely not overreacting. You need to confront him about this but either way I'm not sure I could be with someone who was so clearly disrespecting the marriage. It does seem to be laying the groundwork for. cheating so if hasn't happened already looks likely to. Has he done anything like this before?

I’d ask him if he wants you to share your screenshots with her husband your his HR dept.

No it isnt..

She is saying, you'd have to be skilled

And he is saying, I've never had any complaints before from other women

Not really the point but she's talking about squirting not orgasming. And he's saying he has never had complaints from anyone else. It's definitely still flirting IMO. This kind of sexual banter doesn't continue once people actually start having sex.