To get so stressed about my kids’ car behaviour

Squabble curtain? New invention- you could patent it.

Motorway you can use the hard shoulder as it’s an emergency

rural here and there are lots of gates and even other driveways that you can pull into for emergencies

if you can’t stop immediately/ slow down, get hazard lights on and tell them what you are doing

You need to get locks for the buckles so they physically can't undo them. It's SO dangerous - you could kill someone (or yourselves).

You’ve shouted at them but have you bollocked them?! I get one is only 3 so it has to be age appropriate but I actually remember trying this once with my cousin and it was a bollocking and taken straight home without tea situation. (Although I appreciate that depriving kids of tea is rightfully not an acceptable 2026 parenting technique - so it would be straight home and no telly or pudding or whatever).

it DOES sound extremely stressful and realistically if it carries on you shouldn’t be going places in the car! So that is the natural consequence - you can’t behave in the car therefore you do not go on any fun trips out the house.

So they are in car seats. Is there not things these days to make it more difficult to get out. ? My 4 year old dgc can't actually get out of his to climb anywhere until it's spun round so evening if he undid the buckles it would be wasy

At 3 and 5, they are old enough to understand you saying before you leave the house: 'In the car, I need you to sit in your seat and talk quietly (or sing to nursery rhymes and songs you play for them). That is so I can concentrate on driving safely. If you don't stay in your seats and talk quietly/sing, I will turn the car round and drive straight back home. So you will not be going to x fun place.' Then follow through.

If you dedicate a weekend to this when you don't have to be anywhere other than places you choose with them, you have the potential to do this four times over the two days. Short term pain, long-term gain.

@pondplants appreciate all kids are different but I still actively remember the day mum followed through on the threat to turn the car around and there would be no day out. We were in sight of the destination and I don't think anyone thought she'd actually do it. Really drove home the message...don't mess with mum!

Was a very quiet journey home.

I thought that question was really relevant.
I didn’t sense any smugness.

If they don’t listen to OP in other situations then it would probably be easier to start gaining authority in those situations first.

The main point of my post is that they need to see a quick and unwanted consequence from you. Words alone are not going to change their behaviour. If you adopt this suggestion, they will be lucky because they get advanced warning.

Something like this OP?

(Impatiently waits for image to upload....)

I did this. We didn’t actually go in but just the sight of all the police cars at the station was enough. And I was very clear that the police are kind and helpful and nothing to be scared of but would be VERY cross to hear about unbuckling etc.

When they were very little I used to fasten their coats over the buckle.

At 5 and 3 they should still be in a full car seat so buy a lock designed to go over the car seat harnesses. Really not that difficult an idea to come up with. I cannot believe you have allowed this behaviour and not locked those seats down.

You could skip the advance warning, of course, and just turn the car round as soon as you can.

@theremightbesevennow I think that dad made his own out of cardboard but there are also a few you can buy made of various materials.

https://www.splitandsit.nl/en/

https://amzn.eu/d/08j2YYgL

Might not make a difference if they're just going to ignore you and destroy it though tbh. Feel like getting a handle on them staying in seats first is gonna be a key step to success.

@IdaGlossop I think I'd be saying one time before we leave the house that that will be the consequence and then following through immediately with no further warning. Then when we get home there'd be some sort of further consequence so that being at home wasn't the 'fun' option. But that's me.

Yes you can refuse to drive and you must. Otherwise you ate giving all the power in the relationship to your children, which isn't good for them. Children need to know that parents are in control, in order to feel safe.
Build in stopping time and be consistent about stopping and buckling back up every time either of them unbuckles their harness. They are a bit young for delayed consequences, so just give the one warning "If I have to stop again, we will go back home and you won't be able to go to xxxx".

My tactic would be to head somewhere they would be keen to go to (and be fine with knowing you're probably not going to end up going there). Warn them beforehand if they misbehave in the car it not's safe so you'll need to turn around. If they kick off as expected head home.

This makes sense. We sound similar!

No warning is something I have used only occasionally - 10-year old huffing and puffing about sweeping the floor of holiday apartment after lunch, no beach that afternoon; not heeding four requests between 1m and 4am to keep the noise down on what DD and best friend liked to call a 'no sleepover', no sleepovers for a month.

What are the consequences for the DC5 for unbuckling the DC3, and how many times has it happened?