To say open relationships are bullshit

I can and I also suggested you check out forums like polyamory.com to find more examples. I told you about my polyamorous friend. She has a boyfriend and her husband has a girlfriend. Nobody needs more than they have and everyone is content.

Look, if I am a single parent and I decide not to have blend any new partners with my children, then people I meet are going to have to understand that I am only available to them when I am not parenting. That means I can't be the type of partner that a traditional partner with plans to live together might be.

There will be people who know they arent compatible with this and pass me by.

There will be people who are unsure if it works for them and try and find out that it does/doesn't work for them.

There will be people who are sure it will work for them, and will end up being wrong.

There will be people who know they will be fine with it and are.

What nobody can do is try and say that I HAVE to have the availability they need. Especially when I have been upfront about my existing commitments and how I plan to keep meeting them.

To me all of these seem like "two yeses" scenarios. You both need to agree to have children together. You both need to agree to open up a previously monogamous relationship. The alternative is to end the relationship, not coerce the other person into doing what you want. People of both sexes are allowed to change their minds.

"They" are not upfront? As in, the people you have encountered? Or are you genuinely saying that people in open relationships consistently and without exception try to deceive potential partners?

Personally, as someone in an open relationship, the problem I encounter most is men in monogamous relationships hoping for someone to cheat with. IMO that's much more gross and far less upront than people who openly have more than one partner.

Ok but from the outside, if my husband suggests opening our relationship and I say yes, it might seem like I've bene coerced by friends and family when actually I've just changed my mind.

Thingsivesaid · Today 13:43
'If you can't tell me a successful example where every party is happy, then i stick to my own eye-witness account of it all being a shit-show all around.'

Which you're perfectly entitled to do. Why do you think it matters that you're sticking to your eye witness account? Why are you telling us?

Its as though you imagine that the whole community is desperate to tell you 'a successful example' or for you to approve.

Just live your life and have relationships in the way you prefer.

In my opinion a man who tolerates his wife being shagged by another man is weak and pathetic.
I'm just going to be sitting there thinking, 'God man have you no fucking respect for yourself?'
I'm allowed an opinion and that's it.

It is fecking laughable to me that a man who is upset by his wife fucking another man this is labelled as proprietary in some way. Your views are, in my opinion, ludicrous.
I think it's laughable to most people actually.
That's why adultery is seen as grounds for divorce for BOTH people.

I believe you 100%. British people don't have the cultural basis for it.

Single people are often part of the community. There are single non-monogamous people. I think you need to be upfront about your need for monogamy and when you expect that to start instead of assuming people will be on the same page as you.

What I find interesting is that for you, this is based on sex (as in gender). If you said that you don't understand how a person could "let" their partner have sex with anyone else, that is understandable. You can't imagine being okay with that.

The fact that it is about men "allowing" this and women "being shagged" shows me that your perspective is steeped in archaic views of gender roles than anything about relationships.

As I said, I prefer monogamy. But it isnt monogamy that makes my relationships special or loving or healthy.

nearly everyone around me now seems to be in open relationships

Unusual circles you must move in.

Either way, what's it to you? You're not in one so it's not a problem for you, is it? Why are you stressing about other people's sex lives?

So, your issue isn't actually open relationships but people who aren't open about their relationships being open?

Because that's not the same thing at all.

This thread has reminded me why I regretted being open and honest with some friends and family about my non monogamous status.

I genuinely believed that it would be enough to take care not to suggest in any way that they should try it or that it works for everyone. To be very careful with what I said and make sure my words didn't appear to attempt to "sell" the lifestyle to others.

Not so. I have never seen other adults so upset and affronted by something which doesn't concern them. Something which doesn't harm them that they don't have to do themselves. One friend actually cried.

Genuinely, what is it all about? The strong reaction, the swearing, the typing in capital letters. What is it?

Although the thread title suggests it's more than just an issue with people who aren't honest...

Are women who take their husbands back following affairs also weak and pathetic then? Because I’d argue this is fairly commonplace so according to you there’s a heck of a lot of weak and pathetic women out there!

I've seen it work. But only where that was the dynamic from the beginning, even when it was still new and exciting, because both people in the couple truly believed open relationships were how we should live so there was never a time their relationship wasn't open. It doesn't work when it's opened up to save a dying relationship where the spark has gone and your sex life is over but you don't want to be away from the kids. I think they are two very different things.

Yes people should be up front about their situation early, but let's be honest, how many men are up front about dating more than one person in the early stages of relationships before anything becomes 'serious' anyway.

Yes but it requires tact, discretion and genuine care.
It's something that organically happens amongst people who love each other but the romance has faded.
Who have made an inner pact to keep family and extramarital fun separate.
That they will not hurt the other person by sharing the details.

None of this open relationships nonsense. Oh look how cool I am I'm in an open relationship, doncha know.

You seem to think that "the community" is a homogenous group - do all straight or monogamous or blue eyed people get together and agree a shared code of conduct? I can tell you're clearly angry but it's nonsensical to assume that this is one group of linked people with sone kind of shared group code of conduct.

Nope.
They are not weak and pathetic at all. If the marriage is otherwise good, it would be a foolish to go. Though I understand completely why a woman would not tolerate it.

That's because I believe men and women are different.

I think it's possible a man can still love his wife and cheat. Not the other way around, though.

That's why I think a man who tolerates his wife sleeping around is a fool.
Like it's done mate, get out of dodge.

I can tell you’re a feminist.

The onus is equally on you both to make sure your needs and availability is clear. It's no more on the him in this situation than on you. You need to tell men you want monogamy right away.

So if a woman tells you that she is polyamorous, has a husband and a boyfriend, you'd tell her that she doesn't love either of them?