To say open relationships are bullshit

I’ve never known anyone in an open relationship but I have known a few swingers and they are all very odd people with messed up backgrounds.

There is a couple who keep popping up in my feed boasting their open relationship. They have a child and there seems to be a new woman living with them every week. They all share a bed. How can that possibly be a safe environment for the child?

I'm surprised that so many people around the OP are in open relationships. Those who are, are often very discreet about these things, applying great privacy beyond very close friendship circles.

l would have thought the key issue here is a level playing field. It would appear that in some relationships, one partner has been coerced into an open relationship and in some couples one partner does not even know they are in one, this looks likely in some of the cases cited up thread.

For others, it’s a case of wanting a casual set up, rather than viewing it as a long term relationship.

Agreed.

Relationships are hard work and I can't see anyone realistically having the time and energy to conduct several at the same time and not short-change one of the partners involved or some kind of jealousy raising its ugly head.

Also a very confusing and selfish set up if children are involved.

I always think that 'open relationship' is just a term that people who can't commit or want to have sex with different people have made up because it sounds nicer and trendier...

I also can't help but think this is something that benefits mostly men who get to have sex with several women and still get the benefit of their emotional support and companionship but all the freedom they want.

Same thing as men using terms like 'sex positive' and calling themselves feminists to convince women on dating apps that having casual sex with them is a sign of female empowerment.

I call bullshit...

As I said earlier, these open relationships are often begrudgingly entered into as a pragmatic decision to maintain property and family together.
This doesn't mean the couple aren't fond of each other at all, just duty is separate from fun.

If you're of the mindset that marriage is romantic, and all hearts and flowers - which most are-forget it.
You can't be romantically intimate with your dh as a woman if you're having an affair.

Men might be able to do this.

Your average person is not set up for this and it's often begrudgingly decided upon for pragmatic reasons.

And I'll say this: There's rules, there's family life and romantic life and no fecking way is your lover in the marital bed.

The French understand this.

The couple you describe sound dangerous and fucked up.

Dating is always murky waters.

A lot of these comments about "short changing" and the like ignore the fact that not everyone wants the same things from a relationship. Yes you might feel "short changed" if you can never go on holiday with your boyfriend, but if you've always preferred travelling solo, it's a point if compatibility instead. Same for living together, having kids, etc etc.

It's the quickest way to split up isn't it.

It's definitely having a moment. One of the primary schools near me has a very vocal open couple and they have convinced a number of other couples it's the solution to all their problems, but really leaving a lot of pain and destruction behind them. If it isn't a conclusion a couple come to themselves, equally and out of the blue, it doesn't seem to work very well.

In the people I know it always the same sort of "choice," lily Allen got: "I need this, you can decide if you'd rather know or not," so the woman is choosing between being cheated on or joining in. The latter sounds better, but in reality a lot of the men on these sites just want sex and another women to stroke their egos about the way they've messed up their relationship. One of my friends described it as feeling like a free, f&£kable therapist. Also, she got way more offers than her DH, which he hated as it had been his idea, that also seems to be a theme.

I had an acquaintance who was 'polyamorous' and said he would be spending Christmas and New Year alone because choosing to spend it with one specific partner would cause resentment from the others.

That's when I realise how ludicrous the whole thing is...

Im in my 40s and nearly everyone around me now seems to be in open relationships

Where do you live? Asking for a friend.

Live and let live, BUT, at least be honest and upfront, especially before the start of a new relationship, so that ALL parties involved have informed consent as to the situation and no one is being lied to.

If you've got a hearts and flowers attitude to marriage you can forget it.
Given that in the UK marriage is primarily about sex and romance, open marriages don't work here.

I really think that it's bullshit that a couple decide to do this in a positive way, it's usually a begrudging solution for people who see marriage and raising family as a duty and not to divorce for sake of keeping property etc.
This doesn't mean that fondness cannot exist between them but the romance is gone.

This idea that both members of the couple are 'happy' about it is crap.

Those having open relationships IN THE UK wouldn't know duty if it bit them on the arse and inevitably it goes South.

I dont think that's the case. As I said, my friend is polyamorous and married. Her husband and her have a loving, affectionate relationship and are sexually active, too. If she did break up with her husband, she would find other polyamorous relationships/partners. She would never return to monogamy.

A lot of people's romantic connection isn't hinged on their sexual or romantic exclusivity to each other.

I've heard her say that if the only thing your partner does to show commitment is not fuck other people, then your relationship is in trouble.

I personally want exclusivity in my relationships, but I don't pretend that is what makes them healthy, right, or superior to relationships with different agreements.

Well that’s not really an open relationship problem. That’s a lack of honesty and deceit problem.

Who are you to say open marriages don’t work in the UK? Are you confusing yourself with everybody in Britain.

Agreed they don’t work longer term. My exdh and I split but lived together and co-parented for a year. What a disaster that was .

What they mean is

"I wouldnt want that as it would make me unhappy due to my specific needs from my relationships. That means that any other person (woman) who does want that or would agree to such a relationship has no self respect or dignity and is unloved by her partner".

I think it's safe to say that marriage in the UK is based on romantic and sexual exclusivity and not duty and obligation to family life.

Obviously I'm making a generalisation as does everybody fecking else when discussing a topic like this.

The open relationships I've seen have been very much driven by one person who is often borderline coercive about it. If you're in an open relationship and think it's all going swimmingly, do ask yourself if you're the one doing the coercing.

I am a successful example and my relationships aren't bullshit.

Why are you so upset about something which doesn't concern you? If a non monogamous person asks you out, say no and move on.

There's no need to have a complete crisis. Are you ok?

Need to refer them to the polycule's "Tabitha" for a copy of his document with declarations of polyamory and being in a relationship.

Absolutely people should be upfront, but what are we talking here?

Going on several dates and then they spring on you that they're in a relationship? Or, in the example you've used, you find out someone's interested and before you can swap numbers you find out they're married.

The latter is perhaps disappointing, but you've not exactly invested anything emotionally and you don't know he wasn't going to tell you once you'd swapped numbers. I think your post implies anyone in an open relationship is a duplicitous pervert, which I don't think is the case.

What about the many people who meet each other as singles seeking non-monogamous relationships? Who is coercing who?