Page 3 | AIBU to still feel put off after his hurtful blowjob comment?

nilbyemouth · 2026-08-03T22:16:35+00:00

Me and my partner have a great relationship but both struggle with anxiety and it sometimes affects our sex life. We’ve been together almost 20 years. We had a rough patch (relationship in general) a couple of years ago and would argue every week. In the middle of one of these arguments, out of nowhere (at least I felt like it was out of nowhere) he said something to the effect of “you’ve not given me a blowjob for a decade”. Obviously it really pissed me off because it was not even remotely true and when I’ve tried to be a spicy with him he often gets awkward about it. He says he gets anxious and for a long time he’s told me when I demand too much from him sex-wise it gives him performance anxiety. So it pissed me off even more that he would make a comment like that which obviously would lead to performance anxiety for me. I told him to take the comment back, which he did. But to the damage was done, it completely put me off oral. Haven’t done it since, almost two years I think, but honestly can’t remember… Thoughts? Advice on how to get past this if you have any?

Seawitchandgarden · 04/08/2026 06:56

Why are so many men just so emotionally immature and unable to take into account their partner's feelings.

Frankly OP your partner sounds like a complete idiot and a turn off.

Do you really want to stay in this relationship if it is causing that much anxiety for both of you and you are unable to communicate? It sounds like too much hard work for me.

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 07:27

Sensiblesal · 04/08/2026 02:53

So you are asking for advice but disregarding anything that you don’t agree with.

You are wasting your time asking for advice/help if you aren’t actually willing to take into consideration different points of view, particularly when people are going out of their way to help you.

anyway I will leave you to suggesting ‘spicy stuff’ to torment your partner when you won’t even give him a blow job or discuss why you won’t. Those two things make no sense at all

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No, I’m disregarding comments saying a comment that hurt me wasn’t hurtful.

How have you morphed that into “disregarding anything you don’t agree with”? You’re not as sensible as you claim, Sal.

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MissyB1 · 04/08/2026 07:35

It sounds like there’s too much anxiety and overthinking in this relationship (from both you). You need counselling or the relationship won’t survive.

ForRedPoet · 04/08/2026 07:40

This is one weird relationship.
And for those saying the DP is awful, what about the hard work he has to deal with? He makes 1 inoccuous comment and is punished with no bjs for 2 years.
This is not normal, OP. You must both be very unhappy in this relationship.

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 07:43

ForRedPoet · 04/08/2026 07:40

This is one weird relationship.
And for those saying the DP is awful, what about the hard work he has to deal with? He makes 1 inoccuous comment and is punished with no bjs for 2 years.
This is not normal, OP. You must both be very unhappy in this relationship.

We’re very happy today, but were unhappy at the time the comment was made.

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NewGoldFox · 04/08/2026 07:44

Maybe he doesn’t understand what a decade is?

HollyMcDolly · 04/08/2026 07:46

Such a trivial thing to be so upset about. Why are you festering about this just ignore it. Ridiculous

Blueuggboots · 04/08/2026 07:55

Your relationship sounds really hard work. You both sound hung up on sex.
You were hurt. What do you want him to do? Apologise? Avoid oral?
you either need to get over it, which after two years of avoiding it doesn’t appear to be possible, have counselling either together or separately, split up.
What exactly are you looking for here? You clearly don’t like it when people are telling you you’re over-reacting but I’m not sure exactly what you want people to say?

if you enjoy oral, give it, receive it. If you don’t, don’t.

Hohofortherobbers · 04/08/2026 08:01

Bloody hell OP, life's too short to obsess over this. Do you want to give him a blow job? If so, give him a blow job!
Why are you turning this into such a drama?

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 08:06

ForRedPoet · 04/08/2026 07:40

This is one weird relationship.
And for those saying the DP is awful, what about the hard work he has to deal with? He makes 1 inoccuous comment and is punished with no bjs for 2 years.
This is not normal, OP. You must both be very unhappy in this relationship.

He screamed it at me so not exactly innocuous.

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Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 08:12

Blueuggboots · 04/08/2026 07:55

Your relationship sounds really hard work. You both sound hung up on sex.
You were hurt. What do you want him to do? Apologise? Avoid oral?
you either need to get over it, which after two years of avoiding it doesn’t appear to be possible, have counselling either together or separately, split up.
What exactly are you looking for here? You clearly don’t like it when people are telling you you’re over-reacting but I’m not sure exactly what you want people to say?

if you enjoy oral, give it, receive it. If you don’t, don’t.

Thanks for this. Hard to tell if you read my other posts but I get that my reaction was extreme otherwise I would not have opened this up for discussion. But I’ve tried to explain why my reaction has been what it’s been. It’s not like I decided that day “that’s it i’m not gonna blow him for two years”!

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Pippa12 · 04/08/2026 08:17

When you corrected him about the frequency of the blow jobs, did he continue to lie trying to convince you that it had been a decade?

I can’t understand why he would say he hasn’t had one if he had? Was it a joke?

I’ll be honest, my DH sometimes remarks on the length of time between certain sexual acts, often exaggerated. It’s normally in a jokey, flirtatious way and does generally end in (very consensual, fair and good) sex. I’m trying to work out what upset you?

KiwiFall · 04/08/2026 08:22

Just sit down and talk about it. I can’t imagine my husband saying what yours did but I think I would have laughed knowing it to be untrue and called him out then and there as you should have done. He did apologise and take it back afterwards so I’m not sure why you are holding on to it. But worse is you are now dwelling on it and making that statement to be true. Let it go. Sit down and talk about it and the whole of your sex life. Judging by your comments it’s long overdue to be kindly honest with each other in that respect.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2026 08:23

Why are you thinking about it now though? Something’s brought it up after two years. Yet you say you’re currently very happy?

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 08:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2026 08:23

Why are you thinking about it now though? Something’s brought it up after two years. Yet you say you’re currently very happy?

Yes something brought it up. We were out with friends and someone made a comment about blowjobs and he then said something like blowjobs are great, the world would be a very sad place without blowjobs.

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Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 08:27

KiwiFall · 04/08/2026 08:22

Just sit down and talk about it. I can’t imagine my husband saying what yours did but I think I would have laughed knowing it to be untrue and called him out then and there as you should have done. He did apologise and take it back afterwards so I’m not sure why you are holding on to it. But worse is you are now dwelling on it and making that statement to be true. Let it go. Sit down and talk about it and the whole of your sex life. Judging by your comments it’s long overdue to be kindly honest with each other in that respect.

Edit: replied to the wrong comment. Was going to reply to @Butchyrestingface

No, the performance anxiety I have comes from him. I was very not-at-all anxious about sex when we met. Probably one of the things he liked about me… I think the biggest issue for me was the constant stress (from him) about thinking I was constantly cheating on him. He once asked if I had shagged someone in the toilet at a festival after being away for like 10 minutes.

To give you another example, he gets weird about sex toys even if we’re using them together: if I use it a bit too vigorously to finish myself off after he’s done he might, out of the blue, get really weirded out by it and then bring it up ages later or say it upset him because he didn’t feel included. Weird since he’s literally there with me so not sure how else to include him unless I give him control of the act which sure he can do it sometimes but I’d like to do it myself sometimes too I mean we all know our bodies best ourselves if you know what I mean.

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Pippa12 · 04/08/2026 08:33

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 08:27

Edit: replied to the wrong comment. Was going to reply to @Butchyrestingface

No, the performance anxiety I have comes from him. I was very not-at-all anxious about sex when we met. Probably one of the things he liked about me… I think the biggest issue for me was the constant stress (from him) about thinking I was constantly cheating on him. He once asked if I had shagged someone in the toilet at a festival after being away for like 10 minutes.

To give you another example, he gets weird about sex toys even if we’re using them together: if I use it a bit too vigorously to finish myself off after he’s done he might, out of the blue, get really weirded out by it and then bring it up ages later or say it upset him because he didn’t feel included. Weird since he’s literally there with me so not sure how else to include him unless I give him control of the act which sure he can do it sometimes but I’d like to do it myself sometimes too I mean we all know our bodies best ourselves if you know what I mean.

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This all sounds a whole lot bigger than a flippant blow job comment to be honest.

I think your focussing on that as to not open Pandora’s box.

Accusing you of cheating because you were too long in the toilet and getting told off for being vigorous with a sex toy to climax is abusive behaviour.

Personally I think you’ve become hyper focused on the wrong thing.

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 08:52

Pippa12 · 04/08/2026 08:33

This all sounds a whole lot bigger than a flippant blow job comment to be honest.

I think your focussing on that as to not open Pandora’s box.

Accusing you of cheating because you were too long in the toilet and getting told off for being vigorous with a sex toy to climax is abusive behaviour.

Personally I think you’ve become hyper focused on the wrong thing.

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Quite possible. I think a big problem is that we’d shared a lot of our sexual history with with other before we became a couple and he wasn’t able to deal with that normally and made him insecure/set a bar for him based on a fragmented understanding of what I had been up to previously

I think my stress comes from a combination of knowing the above plus his implicit/explicit accusations about cheating over the years getting in my head, so when he said screamed haven’t had a bj for a decade it made me feel like is this just how he’s rationalising getting it from somewhere else? he’s made up in his mind he’s not been getting any from me?

You’re all clearly correct about counselling being necessary

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Blueuggboots · 04/08/2026 08:55

This all sounds so exhausting!!!! It’s not normal. I agree with others that you’re
a. Focusing on the wrong thing and
b. It’s a form of abuse.

Pippa12 · 04/08/2026 08:56

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 08:52

Quite possible. I think a big problem is that we’d shared a lot of our sexual history with with other before we became a couple and he wasn’t able to deal with that normally and made him insecure/set a bar for him based on a fragmented understanding of what I had been up to previously

I think my stress comes from a combination of knowing the above plus his implicit/explicit accusations about cheating over the years getting in my head, so when he said screamed haven’t had a bj for a decade it made me feel like is this just how he’s rationalising getting it from somewhere else? he’s made up in his mind he’s not been getting any from me?

You’re all clearly correct about counselling being necessary

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I think in your position, I’d be seeking solo counselling. It sounds like you could do with some help putting yourself back together before deciding if this relationship is healthy for you both?

BlueFahrenheit · 04/08/2026 08:56

Therapy.

Your relationship is incredibly strained @nilbyemouth

I could not live like this.

MandemChickenShop · 04/08/2026 08:56

sounds like splitting is the best way forward

Bakeittillyoumakeit · 04/08/2026 08:59

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 07:43

We’re very happy today, but were unhappy at the time the comment was made.

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Really? you don't sound happy at all if you're still dwelling so much on a comment made two years ago. To me this whole relationship just sounds incredibly hard work.

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 09:01

Bakeittillyoumakeit · 04/08/2026 08:59

Really? you don't sound happy at all if you're still dwelling so much on a comment made two years ago. To me this whole relationship just sounds incredibly hard work.

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I have not been dwelling on it for 2 years, a comment was made recently which made me think about it

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dairydebris · 04/08/2026 09:02

Sooo, you reacted to his silly comment about not getting blowjobs by... proving him right and not giving him blowjobs...

YABU.