AIBU to still feel put off after his hurtful blowjob comment?

@ohyesiseethatnow She hasn’t done it in 2 years it’s in the OP.

A big deal over nothing, sorry.

You both have my sympathy.

It’s hurtful if she’s hurt.

I think you’re both a little strange to be getting performative anxiety from ‘nothing’ comments.

It was a lie. Not hurtful. Stupid if anything.

If you are unable to sit down calmly and talk about now, or over the last 2 years, how is he supposed to know that what he said is the reason why your sexual relationship has changed?
I think if you can, pick a moment when both in a good mood and have a chat to move forward.

I think there's likely bigger issues at play here with communication in general. Counselling maybe?

How about ‘just give him a blow-job’ and move on. Or don’t and tell him why - then move on.

Or LTB!

OP - have you tried counselling, either individual, or as a couple?
You are feeling defensive now and dismissing comments that state that your reaction is really over the top. But, the truth is that for a relationship of 20 years - this all sounds very strange.
You are mature adults that have been together for ages. Oral sex is not something "spicy", and talking about it - or the lack of it, whether real or imagined should not be this huge anxiety generating event.
And the impact it had on you - having happened a couple of years ago - again is not within what most people would consider unusual, or normal for a mature relationship.

So - I don't think discussing this on MN would help you. Talking with a professional, who could possibly help you re-frame how you look at your sex life.
(separately - the fact that you immediately imagined infidelity from that one comment about absence of blowjobs is also something strange, and counselling can help you figure out why your mind went there)

He doesn’t want to do counselling, says it stirs up too many negative feelings.

But isn’t that the whole point @nilbyemouth ? He can’t resolve those feelings if he won’t actually face up to them. I don’t understand why he finds it acceptable to say things that hurt you yet when you say anything back, he says you’re causing his performance anxiety. There’s a bigger underlying issue here.

@nilbyemouth do you think he does actually want to improve things between you? He seems like someone who sticks his head in the sand with no inclination to change and/or make things better? Given that you’ve been together 20 years, surely it shouldn’t matter what you did before you got together. I mean 20 years! How can he still be insecure? It sounds like he’s the one who really needs therapy rather than you. In fact I’m starting to wonder if he is actually a contributing factor to YOUR anxiety.

Do you like him? Because he sounds awful. Seriously why would you put up with this insecure, negative, anxious, paranoid person who shovels his sexual anxieties onto you by the truckload? He is massively and unreasonably anxious about his masculinity (performance anxiety, jealousy, fear of your infidelity) and choses to externalize it into you. And he won’t do anything about it for your sake or for his?

I hate hearing about these crap men. Why settle for someone with such a fragile ego?

So you are asking for advice but disregarding anything that you don’t agree with.

You are wasting your time asking for advice/help if you aren’t actually willing to take into consideration different points of view, particularly when people are going out of their way to help you.

anyway I will leave you to suggesting ‘spicy stuff’ to torment your partner when you won’t even give him a blow job or discuss why you won’t. Those two things make no sense at all

It was the frequncy not that actual act.
Then you start to make up ideas...gosh

Perfect.
But your probably wrong 🤣🤣

What is abnormal about oral sex? You might not enjoy it, that's a personal preference. But don't go making such absurd statements.

I agree with the majority of pp.

You were hurt by his comment because it wasn't true. That doesn't make it an inherently hurtful comment.

He exaggerated which, if someone is being particularly pedantic, could be viewed as him lying. Saying that you are crap at giving blow jobs would be a rude and hurtful comment that anyone would be upset by. Saying, in the heat of an argument, that you haven't given him a bj for a decade is something that most people would feel irritated or annoyed by at the time but wouldn't be hurt by and certainly wouldn't dwell on for 2 years.

You both seem to struggle with anxiety and communication. You've painted yourself into a corner and neither of you seem happy.

I don't see that carrying on the way things are is good for either of you. You need to bite the bullet and either sit down and have an open conversation where you both are able to talk about your feelings or you end the relationship.

Your subsequent posts make him sound awful. You say you both have performance anxiety around sex. Did you have it before you met him? Did he give it to you?

The throwaway comment about lack of blowjobs is a non-issue, I think. It’s the rest of his behaviour that sounds unhinged.

I’d consider that a lie. Caveat - I am a very literal and pedantic person.. And yes, I’d find it hurtful - probably because it dismisses all the effort that I would have put in to doing it. I could see myself not feeling any urge to do them again unless he had apologised (without you asking him to take it back) and talked.

He sounds exhausting tbh, insecure in his own identity and pushing that on to you in quite a controlling manner. Daily talking about you cheating? Ugh.

Only you know if this is something that is affecting the rest of your relationship and needs talking about, or if the nowadays bedroom antics are fine and you both feel cherished and respected. If you don’t, talk.

Obviously depends on the context and how it's said.

Having a calm nature conversation and telling your wife how you would like more blowjobs is very very different from accusing her that she hasn't given you a BJ in a decade in the middle of an argument that has nothing to do with BJs or sex and also how it is said matters. That's not just a moan about how he would like more blowjobs.

Having said that I think @nilbyemouth should also have a conversation with him to lay it out on the table about how it upset her, discuss it, apologize and move on instead of stewing and feeling resentful for over 2 years.

I wouldn’t do it personally. He’s annoying and doesn’t deserve it.