AIBU to still feel put off after his hurtful blowjob comment?

nilbyemouth · 2026-08-03T22:16:35+00:00

Me and my partner have a great relationship but both struggle with anxiety and it sometimes affects our sex life. We’ve been together almost 20 years. We had a rough patch (relationship in general) a couple of years ago and would argue every week. In the middle of one of these arguments, out of nowhere (at least I felt like it was out of nowhere) he said something to the effect of “you’ve not given me a blowjob for a decade”. Obviously it really pissed me off because it was not even remotely true and when I’ve tried to be a spicy with him he often gets awkward about it. He says he gets anxious and for a long time he’s told me when I demand too much from him sex-wise it gives him performance anxiety. So it pissed me off even more that he would make a comment like that which obviously would lead to performance anxiety for me. I told him to take the comment back, which he did. But to the damage was done, it completely put me off oral. Haven’t done it since, almost two years I think, but honestly can’t remember… Thoughts? Advice on how to get past this if you have any?

Fortnightly · 03/08/2026 23:20

It wasn’t really a hurtful comment. A hurtful comment would have been something like ‘and you’re rubbish at giving blow jobs’. His implied the opposite to this, and just a moan that he wasn’t getting any.

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 03/08/2026 23:27

Fortnightly · 03/08/2026 23:20

It wasn’t really a hurtful comment. A hurtful comment would have been something like ‘and you’re rubbish at giving blow jobs’. His implied the opposite to this, and just a moan that he wasn’t getting any.

Edited

But… he was getting it… quite often too, but admittedly not daily. For a couple of weeks after he said this it made me wonder whether he was getting it elsewhere and was comparing it. It really messed with my head so it was definitely hurtful - it was a lie.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2026 23:27

He complained he hadn’t a blow job in a decade, you thought he was lying, so you haven’t done it for two years and now you’re thinking about it? It doesn’t sound a terribly happy relationship. I don’t think it was a hurtful comment but you’ve sort of proved his point haven’t you?

Boreded · 03/08/2026 23:28

He exaggerated, that’s different from lying.

have you ever said you were starving when you were hungry.

That the pain was unbearable yet you were able to deal with it.

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 03/08/2026 23:30

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2026 23:27

He complained he hadn’t a blow job in a decade, you thought he was lying, so you haven’t done it for two years and now you’re thinking about it? It doesn’t sound a terribly happy relationship. I don’t think it was a hurtful comment but you’ve sort of proved his point haven’t you?

“you thought he was lying”

I knew he was lying because I had been giving him blowjobs…

He knew he was lying because he had been receiving them.

OP posts:

GourmetGardener · 03/08/2026 23:32

Personally can't stand giving oral or receiving it tbh. The thought of putting it in my mouth makes me want to heave! Fortunately my dp doesn't enjoy giving it either so we don't really bother. Lots of other fun to be had where you are both enjoying it!

Fortnightly · 03/08/2026 23:36

nilbyemouth · 03/08/2026 23:27

But… he was getting it… quite often too, but admittedly not daily. For a couple of weeks after he said this it made me wonder whether he was getting it elsewhere and was comparing it. It really messed with my head so it was definitely hurtful - it was a lie.

Show quote history

I can see if it was a lie it would be hurtful but you can just call him out on this.

Getting it elsewhere and comparing, is your mind playing tricks on you. There’s nothing in his comment to suggest this.

Fortnightly · 03/08/2026 23:37

GourmetGardener · 03/08/2026 23:32

Personally can't stand giving oral or receiving it tbh. The thought of putting it in my mouth makes me want to heave! Fortunately my dp doesn't enjoy giving it either so we don't really bother. Lots of other fun to be had where you are both enjoying it!

Snap!

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 03/08/2026 23:43

Fortnightly · 03/08/2026 23:36

I can see if it was a lie it would be hurtful but you can just call him out on this.

Getting it elsewhere and comparing, is your mind playing tricks on you. There’s nothing in his comment to suggest this.

Show quote history

I was hurt by his comment - lie or exaggeration whatever you want to call it - so it was hurtful. The reason I was hurt by it was because he knows I have anxiety and he gets performance anxiety himself. I’ve explained all this in the OP.

OP posts:

dottydaily · 03/08/2026 23:43

he exaggerated in an arguement,we all do it.no big deal.move on if your in a generally happy relationship.

pikkumyy77 · 03/08/2026 23:44

Wow! What an odd and unresponsive set of answers. The issue isn’t exactly the blow jobs but that sex with him is a chore—too “spicy “ snd its your fault he’s anxious. Not oral exactly when he wants? Its your fault and he all bit calls you too lazy or too indifferent to service him. Snd I use this term advisedly. You had been giving him iral but he complained that this form of pleasure in which he does nothing for you is what he wants snd he deserves more of.

How much thought does he give to your sexual pleasure these days?

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 03/08/2026 23:50

pikkumyy77 · 03/08/2026 23:44

Wow! What an odd and unresponsive set of answers. The issue isn’t exactly the blow jobs but that sex with him is a chore—too “spicy “ snd its your fault he’s anxious. Not oral exactly when he wants? Its your fault and he all bit calls you too lazy or too indifferent to service him. Snd I use this term advisedly. You had been giving him iral but he complained that this form of pleasure in which he does nothing for you is what he wants snd he deserves more of.

How much thought does he give to your sexual pleasure these days?

Thanks for actually reading the whole OP and for offering a helpful answer.

He does enjoy giving me oral but to be honest since I’ve got this mental block stopping me from “returning the favour” at the moment, I can’t really enjoy it when he does it to me… I stop him from doing it if he tries or I just lie there (perform) feeling a bit stressed and uncomfortable (waiting for us to move on from that part of it so it can be mutually enjoyable).

OP posts:

Fortnightly · 03/08/2026 23:53

nilbyemouth · 03/08/2026 23:43

I was hurt by his comment - lie or exaggeration whatever you want to call it - so it was hurtful. The reason I was hurt by it was because he knows I have anxiety and he gets performance anxiety himself. I’ve explained all this in the OP.

Show quote history

I think you’re blowing (no pun intended 😂) it out of proportion.

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 03/08/2026 23:55

Fortnightly · 03/08/2026 23:53

I think you’re blowing (no pun intended 😂) it out of proportion.

Show quote history

🤣🤣

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/08/2026 23:59

Can you not sit down and have a conversation with him? Explain that you felt hurt but that you want to resolve things together and move forward.

2 years is far too long for this to be festering. Anxiety or not, you both need to have a grown-up conversation and work things out between you.

HollyhocksandPeons · 04/08/2026 00:08

GourmetGardener · 03/08/2026 23:32

Personally can't stand giving oral or receiving it tbh. The thought of putting it in my mouth makes me want to heave! Fortunately my dp doesn't enjoy giving it either so we don't really bother. Lots of other fun to be had where you are both enjoying it!

But that is because you are NORMAL.

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:11

@HundredMilesAnHour

Agree that it’s too long - it’s why i’m looking for some advice (thanks for your suggestion).

I’m honestly worried about how to even bring it up and - just being honest here please don’t all have a go at me - after a stalemate this long it feels like losing a battle… almost humiliating. But I obviously don’t want it to go on forever!

OP posts:

Fortnightly · 04/08/2026 00:19

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:11

@HundredMilesAnHour

Agree that it’s too long - it’s why i’m looking for some advice (thanks for your suggestion).

I’m honestly worried about how to even bring it up and - just being honest here please don’t all have a go at me - after a stalemate this long it feels like losing a battle… almost humiliating. But I obviously don’t want it to go on forever!

Edited

You’ve been together 20 years, so just blurt it out! Surely after this length of time together all topics can be discussed.

Ive been with my H 26 years and I certainly wouldn’t hold back if I had something to say.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2026 00:19

GourmetGardener · 03/08/2026 23:32

Personally can't stand giving oral or receiving it tbh. The thought of putting it in my mouth makes me want to heave! Fortunately my dp doesn't enjoy giving it either so we don't really bother. Lots of other fun to be had where you are both enjoying it!

That’s not really the point of the OP’s dilemma.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2026 00:21

HollyhocksandPeons · 04/08/2026 00:08

But that is because you are NORMAL.

Show quote history

You think it’s abnormal for people to give each other oral sex?

Christ alive, this forum is deranged.

ohyesiseethatnow · 04/08/2026 00:21

I don’t really get it.

You give him regular blowjobs.

he says “you haven’t given me a blowjob in a decade!”

that’s not hurtful….its just weird. It is technically a lie, yes, but he knows that YOU know that you HAVE given him blowjobs…..so it’s just weird?

Original poster

nilbyemouth · 04/08/2026 00:27

ohyesiseethatnow · 04/08/2026 00:21

I don’t really get it.

You give him regular blowjobs.

he says “you haven’t given me a blowjob in a decade!”

that’s not hurtful….its just weird. It is technically a lie, yes, but he knows that YOU know that you HAVE given him blowjobs…..so it’s just weird?

Yes. Really weird. AND hurtful because (as i’ve now said 3 or 4 times) if I had said something like that to him he would have complained about getting performance anxiety from it. I have to tiptoe around requests from him meanwhile he says weird shit like that to me in the middle of an argument

OP posts:

WinterSunglasses · 04/08/2026 00:28

Your sex life sounds fraught with anxiety. Was it very different once upon a time? If you want to stay married it makes sense to me to try and get past this so you can return to enjoying sex. Counselling with a therapist who deals with sexual issues would seem like a way forward.

Sensiblesal · 04/08/2026 00:31

He exaggerated in an argument and your response has been to prove him right and not give him a blow job for 2yrs. Meanwhile he is still giving you oral but you don’t enjoy it.

how have you been together 20yrs and not learnt how to communicate with each other?

what he said wasn’t hurtful, your anxiety is telling you it was hurtful. I think there is a difference/nuance in that.

work on the anxiety maybe and communicate with your partner

BauhausOfEliott · 04/08/2026 00:31

I think if you’ve been together for 20 years but are a) still getting anxiety about sex together, b) dwell on a throwaway angry remark for two years and c) aren’t able to actually talk about these things together, what you both need is some fairly extensive therapy because this relationship sounds very odd, repressed and dysfunctional to me.