AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

Over years. The context is that OP has just had a baby. Why would her husband's penis have shrunk now? Seriously, just hitting out like that is really childish and very unlikely to resolve anything.

You should definitely talk to him but don’t accept anything less than a sincere apology and acknowledgement that it was an awful thing to say. No man is that stupid or insensitive that he wouldn’t realise that comment would be anything but hurtful and make you feel self conscious. I’m not saying you should not move on from it but I just don’t accept the “he wouldn’t have said it to upset me” He knew what he was saying and he knew he had a choice to just not say it. I would ask him what his motivation behind the comment was and would not accept a “sorry I didn’t think excuse”.

I'm not silencing or invalidating her. I'm agreeing with her OP – that she has every reason to be angry and upset, considering he's said a hurtful thing that he can't take back. He should be made aware of how horrible it was, and make amends for it (although honestly I can't believe a man in his thirties wouldn't know that you NEVER say something like that).

It seems as though she's not that bothered about it though, so it sounds like a non-issue for her. Frankly I'm a little bewildered as to why she posted.

I have never made a personal comment about the physical attributes of a partner unless it's to compliment them. You cannot take back or erase the words that damaged someone's confidence even if you regret saying them. If you make someone feel self conscious and not good enough then don't be surprised if they don't feel in the mood for sex. It's not weaponising or withholding sex as punishment, it's taking time to get over the hurt. The suggestion that OP isn't allowed that time and should just carry on as if he never said it is pure misogyny. OP isn't obliged to suppress her hurt to be "the bigger person" and it's offensive to suggest she is. He opened his big mouth and said something unforgivable to the women who has grown and pushed (assuming here) his children out of her body it's up to him to make it right.

Yep, where to even begin.

@SillyPeachAnt because you say he's usually so great and it's out of character for him. Only a very low intelligence person could possibly not know the hurt you'd have from him saying that. So, he'll feign innocence and say that you took it all wrong, thus him being the victim and you comforting him.

Well he was obviously at best, very thoughtless and it’s totally understandable that you’re hurt because I imagine he’s knocked your confidence.
Fine if you were taken aback last night and didn’t want to ruin what had been a lovely evening but there’s no way I could have had sex with him again this morning without saying how hurt he’d made you feel last night. I can’t understand why on earth you wouldn’t had then.

Oh man, I think you are getting slammed on here. You are allowed to take time to decide what you want to do, say and even how upset you are.
you are allowed to have sex with your husband because you like sex and because you want too even if you do feel hurt.

I hope you do harness your sadness and your rage and tell him how unkind and thoughtless and let him know how upset you are. Hope you manage it x

You need to explain that his comment was hurtful and see how he reacts. A caring partner would be upset that you felt hurt and try his best to make amends. I'm assuming he'd never say anything like "you're so sensitive" and twist things around so you feel bad for bringing it up. If you let it go it's just going to fester and you're laying yourself open (scuse pun) for further comments that upset you. You are definitely not being unreasonable for feeling hurt.

Wasn't wrong.... And will be even more right aa thread progresses.

Well the fact is that is what he thought when you had sex, and then he was awful enough to just tell you that. Either he is dim or he is cruel. Because what is the reason for telling you that? ‘I know let me tell my wife who’s recently recovered from giving birth that her vagina feels looser?’

For me, that is a total, total lack of respect. I would struggle to be intimate with my husband knowing his thoughts are ‘oh she feels less tight’ and that he has so little respect for me he verbalises it.

Now would I leave him? No. But I’d certainly be having a conversation before having any sex with him again

There's no assumptions, you've made it clear. He humilated you by explicitly stating that your vagina was sub-par and then you had sex with him again, soon after. Did he follow up the comment with something to ameliorate the statement, like "but I find you so sexy, as you have given birth to my children"? or were you just supposed to tolerate it and then offer him sub-par sex, unworthy of him?

If your relationship is as good as you say, you should be able to have a discussion about it and he will apologise and do everything to make it up to you.

Everyone is outraged on your behalf, because that's got to be one of the rudest things a man can say to his wife

Exactly. I mean we can all take things differently/have different tolerance for bluntness/honesty but I can’t see a way in which that would ever need to be said, maybe just maybe if partner enquired and it was said in a supportive way. Like my oh can’t see why I found been called ‘not a natural mother’ hurtful and tried to justify why it wasn’t a bad thing.
he may not have meant to hurt you but really what else could that comment do so I personally struggle when that is used as a reason

It is a shockingly rude, insensitive, thoughtless thing to say.

If you had said "you feel much smaller" I wonder what his reaction would be?

Yes he has 100% body shamed the mother that carrier his children, months after birth, when she was vulnerable.

An appallingly unkind thing to do.

Perhaps he didn't mean to be such a completely stupid oaf, but that is how he has behaved.

Lots of women would get the ick.

I only don't know how any adult man with full cognitive abilities could possibly have said this without realising it would be hurtful.
Even if he's lived in a bubble where the fact that this is used to insult women has somehow passed him by, there's no way a well intentioned man would ever be negative about his partners body in such an intimate way.
He's been passive aggressive to you. There's something else behind it.

It was a thoughtless comment for sure but if there is a change in sensation then surely in a healthy relationship you should be able to express that, although I can’t think of a possible way to have mentioned it that isn’t hurtful. Isn’t the most balanced thing to do is discuss it with him - to say it’s early days and hopefully things will change as time goes on (9 months to grow and 9months to recover ) The various exercises and other things designed to help tighten aren’t just to help incontinence, they are also to help increase sensation during sex. He was thoughtless to say it when he said it but maybe it’s good that he did - you have communication albeit crass.

Or has never been introduced to the idea that not every slightest thought that crosses his mind has to be given access to his vocal cords.

What was the context of the comment @SillyPeachAnt ?

I'm not going to lie, sex did feel a bit different (not worse, different) after DD was born compared to before. I never said anything to DP because I'm not a complete fucking numpty, and what would be the point, it's not like she can do anything about it? She pushed a baby out of there, it's no surprise there's been a bit of rearranging of the furniture in the process!

What I can't work out though is what the impetus for the comment was. Maybe if you'd said something like "It took you a really long time to cum", then I could understand why he said it, while still wondering why on earth he couldn't have covered himself with a better excuse.

But if he just blurted it out, then I can't see any reason why he'd say that other than to hurt you. A comment like that is a weapon, it only has one purpose.

OP, you are right to be upset, he was ignorant and tactless. I think you do need to tell him how this has made you feel. Maybe as PP said, ask him how he would feel if you had said that his penis was smaller, that is the most equivalent thing you could say to him.

He obviously said it without thinking, but it did not need to be voiced, not directly after sex, not ever.

He needs to understand how this has made you feel. It could very much make you feel like you don't want sex with him because you would be thinking about this every time, and he needs to understand how ignorant it was to say that to you.

"shut it pencil dick"

I'm kind of on the fence OP.

Without a doubt, I can understand how upsetting that comment was, and of course I don't need to reassure you it is natural and you have done nothing wrong. In his position I'd have kept very quiet.

BUT I suppose looking at it the other way, it is probably true, he probably noticed and I guess he is communicating about something that intimately involves you both and not squirreling the thought away, which is ultimately where distance creeps in in a relationship.

I think it would have hurt you more had he waited 18 months then admitted he'd been thinking it all that time. Part of me wonders about the merit of admonishing him for communicating in a way that he seems to have been matter of fact and not cruel.

And definitely don't go down the childish route of shaming his penis in retaliation.🙄You'll as likely drive him into the arms of someone who tells him it's enormous.

If he didn't say it in an accusatory way, and was keen again this morning, I think on balance it is probably best to look at it as "cards on the table" communication. At least you know to try hitting the kegels!

But I am sorry: you must have felt vulnerable and hurt.

Perhaps. I have certainly now experienced later in life how good things can be in a relationship and sex with truly open communication but it is always coming from a place of kindness being the most important thing. This way, especially straight after first time having sex and only 9 months post partum does not feel kind or constructive conversation

yabu excusing this nasty comment as he’s such a good dad this was a nasty thing to say at such a vulnerable moment outrageous