AIBU to feel hurt by DH’s comment after sex postpartum?

@Calliopespa "I wonder if he hasn't been open in a healthy way."

Healthy for whom? Telling a woman postpartum that her fanny isn't tight after the first sex in months isn't helpful, kind or healthy. I would've thought in this day and age we'd know better. I don't think for one minute he was trying to have a mutually open and healthy conversation. He was simply thinking that sex wasn't as pleasurable for him as he'd like.

I agree with the people who are saying they don't understand how he can't have realised this was a hurtful comment.

That was my first thought too, and then I thought if they are going to need to try new ideas, perhaps saying it sooner is better. Otherwise she feels he has kept her in the dark.

I mean I'd prefer that to him politely looking elsewhere - which is when you'd have me raging on here.

Truth is, Nature is rather inconvenient and unfair to women on some of these fronts.

We’re both in our late 30s and have three children. Our youngest was born in March, so life has been pretty chaotic. Between the baby and the other children, we honestly haven’t had much time just the two of us.

Last night, the two older children were at DH’s parents, so we had some time alone and were in the mood. We had sex for the first time since having our youngest. It was actually really lovely to have some time together as a couple.

Afterwards, DH casually said, “you’re not as tight as you used to be.”

He didn’t say it in an explicitly nasty way, I don’t even think he really realises what he said and the conversation moved on afterwards, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

I know bodies change after having children. I’ve had three children, including a baby just a few months ago and I’m not expecting my body to be exactly the same as it was years ago. I think what upset me was more the fact that it was said at all, especially in what felt like quite a vulnerable moment.

I am thinking of speaking to him about it this evening. The thing is, I don’t think he meant to be cruel. He is a good husband and a very involved dad I don’t ever feel as though I am doing parenting on my own, he often says being a father has been one of the best things to happen to him. He’s such a dad, always on dad mode. He’s actually currently out with the children because the weather is nice he picked them up and took them out and I’m going to meet them at a cafe for lunch soon.

I think that’s partly why I’m unsure how to approach it. I don’t want to make it into something bigger than it was or accuse him of trying to hurt me, but I do want him to understand that the comment has stayed with me.

I’m not going to weaponise sex. If that’s the advice people are going to give me that’s not how I want my marriage to be. We’ve been married 9 years I’d like to stay married and be able to solve conflict and issues without weaponising sex or punishing him.

We had sex this morning he didn’t make that comment again I don’t think he wanted to upset me last night but it has I keep thinking about it. I wanted to mention it this morning but he had to rush to get the kids and I can’t mention it at lunch in a busy cafe with our children there. Maybe this evening.

So there are only two options? Telling her straight out that her fanny isn't tight enough whilst actually pulling his cock out, or hooking up on Tinder.

I have learned over the years Op that a lot of posters on here have really weak marriages. Not kicking a man to the kerb every time he makes a mistake isn't being a doormat, although plenty will try to make you feel it is; it is sometimes learning to master your anger so it doesn't come back to bite you as well.

People who hit out in anger are often very scared people.

I am not someone who has much time for adultery, but that isn't what is going on here. Far from being secretive, he has been open about the issue.

Well he was obviously at best, very thoughtless and it’s totally understandable that you’re hurt because I imagine he’s knocked your confidence.
Fine if you were taken aback last night and didn’t want to ruin what had been a lovely evening but there’s no way I could have had sex with him again this morning without saying how hurt he’d made you feel last night. I can’t understand why on earth you wouldn’t had then.

It IS hurtful. But it is also probably true.

Have you never had to say something to someone that was true but you felt bad saying it?

The question here is did he NEED to say it, and my first thought was no, he should keep quiet, and then I thought well actually he is communicating about something that affects them both.

Yup, they are out in force op.

Umm … 3 kids?

The opportunity for sex wouldn’t arise as much as the opportunity for conversation?

She’s not trying to punish him?

But what is the issue? They had sex last night and again this morning so it's obviously not affecting his desire for sex. OP has had three children, the last one less than 5 months ago, what does he want her to do with the information he was so open with? There is no justifiable reason for him saying what he said when he did. If it was a significant issue with sexual enjoyment then he would have been wiser to raise it, sensitively, at any other time apart from just before they have sex.

Are you just here to dominate OPs thread and be misogynist?

You know hysterical is a misogynist term right?

I find it quite odd. I’ve come here with my own dilemma, my own feelings yet people want to tell me how I should be feeling. I am clearly not happy with the comment considering I decided to post about it on here.

I am not necessarily here to trash my husband who I am happily married to, It doesn’t mean I’m not upset over the disgusting comment he made but I guess maybe that’s the impression I have in the original post.

But he wasn't saying it gently, in a less emotive setting, to try to open a dialogue about how they can ensure sex is still good for both of them (although somehow I doubt her vagina is so loose it would actually impact sex negatively, and if it was, I imagine she would've noticed that she experienced less sensation too).

He just casually told her that she's not as tight as she used to be, and left it at that. How is that supposed to be helpful, or well-meant? It's just hurtful negging.

It was a thoughtless comment that he didn’t need to make.

I’d say this to him, and then move on.

Some of the comments here more hurtful than anything OPs husband said!

OP, just have a chat to him tonight.

I had sex with him because I wanted to not because he’s my husband or that I felt obligated to. I am able to make my own decisions.

Putting a positive spin on it … you have a good relationship because he just said what was in his mind ( total gaff ) but when you start watching every comment your relationship is in trouble

definitely let him know how it made you feel , its a gaff not a punishable offence

if mens knobs shrivelled a little every time they had a baby ….