Pregnant at the same time as my mum – feeling weird about it!

It’s only very recently that this has become less common, although I know women who have had babies in both their teens and their 40s.
My great grandfather was younger than several of his nephew and nieces, as his older sister , born a year after his parents married at 21, had babies before he was born, (when my great grandmother was around 44). This was normal and expected pre the pill.
It is normal to feel a bit jealous of the attention a new baby will get, especially when there has been a big gap, but this will be a new sibling for you OP, and the babies will grow up together and hopefully be close all their lives, there are pluses as well as minuses. Also your Mum as an experienced mother will be able to show you things and still be there to support you, she won’t stop being your Mum too.

Is it factual that a 45 year old is significantly more likely to be in a stable relationship and earning more than a 35 year old?

45 is too old. Your eggs are literally dying at that point, perimenopause is approaching if it hasn’t already arrived, and the odds of miscarriage are very very high. I don’t think an extra £2000 a year or something is going to make it a better option.

I wouldn't like it either. It feels a bit like you've been robbed of the grandmother experience for your first baby and all that help that a great mum can be when her daughter becomes a mum herself for the first time.

I know it's not a god given right that you would have all that, and your mum has a life of her own but I completely understand why you'd feel miffed and a bit strange about it all.

Clearly not ‘forced’- whatever that means- if she’s actually pregnant. And I didn’t say it was ageist either. You’re making the assumption that ‘She will probably rely on you babysitting rather than the other way round’. Just because you haven’t got the energy doesn’t mean that the OP’s mother hasn’t. Judgemental.

Yes! 😁

My comparison was about a young parent such as OP's mum the first time around, not a 35 year old.

45 isn't too old. Sure, the risks are higher but plenty of women that age also don't miscarriage and go on to have healthy babies so the risk is clearly worth it for some.

Sorry Wildflower, confused you with Arcticpanda there.

Oh god I would absolutely hate that! The 'bump buddies' thing would have me worried that she wants you as her support at a time when she should be looking after you. My social life boomed when I had DS1, I met loads of people at baby groups, baby massage etc, always out for coffee with the babies. I would worry that your mum will stifle your attempts to socialise with other first time mums of your own age. Make sure to carve out time for yourself and your baby without your mum and sibling tagging along.

Personally I think she is selfish having another when her own DD is approaching parenthood, children don't stop needing us just because they grow up.

The newborn stage is so short, but maternity leave can be long and lonely at times. You'll have someone you love dearly to spend that with, organise school holidays together, and hopefully have two very close friends for life!

I definitely think you'll feel differently once the babies are here but I do completely get where you're coming from too.

Maybe you don’t feel like you have much energy but that’s not usual,

This happened in my husband's family. Identical ages to you and everything, although the babies are now adults.

I think its understandable that you feel weird about it. It's normal that you've almost subconsciously (I imagine) had an expectation that your mum would be a grandma to your children one day, with all the usual hallmarks of that relationship. And now you're faced with a different reality it's difficult to get your head around. In my husband's family, the grandma definitely does not have a "granny/granddaughter" relationship with her grandchild. She is more akin to an aunty, and her own child is like a cousin to her sibling. Whilst all those relationships are happy, they are different than was maybe expected or hoped for. There are things that were gained - like the closeness between the two "babies" (now adults), but there is/was a sense of the grandparent relationship being lost. Or never materialising in the first place, more accurately.

I think all you can really do is just try and readjust your expectations and deal with those feelings now. Rather than carry on hoping for a traditional grandma figure for your child and being perpetually disappointed. There are positives too, so I think it's just a case of hanging onto those.

"Bump buddies" would give me the ick though, especially if the "buddy" was my own mother.

Yeah I joked to my mother that now was pregnant she couldn’t have anymore. It wasn’t really a joke deep down.

but yeah we all let’s face it expect our own parents to be done having children by the time we have children. Being a grandma vs being a new parent at the same time as a new grandma is a very different experience for both.

I think it's probably normal to be thrown off by this, it's just not the natural order of things. Ordinarily you having your first baby would usher your mother into a grandmother role, with all that that often entails (doting, support etc).

What is happening here is more alike two friends or siblings who are pregnant at the same time. She won't be coming round to help with the washing or sending photos to her friends deliriously as she'll understandably be experiencing all the same pressures and responsibilities as you with her own baby.

The babies won't have the normal aunt/uncle and nephew/niece relationship, they'll be more like cousins.

None of it is bad it's just different and likely to take a bit of time to readjust expectations.

Nobody needs counselling for referring to science, don't be a silly sausage.

15 year olds are still minors by law. Can't vote, can't get a driving licence and they are physically, mentally and emotionally immature. They can't get a full-time job at 15, how can they support a child by themselves at 15! Having a baby at 15 (in the absence of someone being there to "just be granny" aka childcare/look after baby) also means they won't be able to concentrate on education , which can effect their future employability/prospects. At 45 none of this applies.

That said, here we have OP who at 27 has been rubbing her hands in glee and planning on her mum "supporting " her and "just being granny" to her child. So if one cant cope with a pregnancy and newborn stage at 27, what hope does a 15 year old have!

at 27 has been rubbing her hands in glee and planning on her mum "supporting " her and "just being granny" to her child

Good grief some people on here are such arseholes. She’s not rubbing her hands in glee she was hoping for practical support from her mum- this is not unreasonable. She was hoping for her mum to support her when she has her first child- a MASSIVE life change which often comes with mental illness and a lot of stress. For good sake don’t be a dick.

OP knew her mum was TTC though so this can't have been a big shock.

This. honestly some of the replies on this thread.

OP. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do. Personally I’d feel really weird and upset by the whole situation, not least because and I don’t think anyone has pointed it out yet, but you’ll have to share your mum for the first time in your life. That alone must be unsettling in itself, but to have the double whammy of her being a grandmother at the same time as her having a newborn herself, must be really, really hard.

Take some time to work through your feelings, be kind to yourself. It’ll all work out in the end. Someone else asked if your MIL is in the picture? If she is and you get on, perhaps she can be of some support to you in the early days?

Well, OP was planning on having her child with the aide of her granny crutch and is resenting her mum for also having a child at the same time because OP selfishly wanted her mum to just "be granny", and I am being a dick?! Okay then 👍

No one else has pointed it out because it isn't clear if OP is an only child or not.

And yes,whichever way you'd like to rephrase it, that is exactly what OP was doing. If OP feels she needs help with pregnancy and newborn stage, which as you correctly point out is a " MASSIVE life change which often comes with mental illness and a lot of stress " perhaps OP is not yet ready to become a parent.

@AlwaysThereBear so all women should have a baby and not expect or need any support…ever? Don’t be ridiculous. Families have rallied around and supported new parents forever in every culture and across ever species. Maybe you’ve done it all independently with no support- good for you. Lots of women need their mum in the fourth trimester and beyond. Don’t judge new mums needing support.

Ops mum best not go looking for support or help based on that poster. Helps for the weak clearly.

I really wouldn't like it either but she hasn't done anything wrong.

🙄 not what I said. Feels like you are deliberately missing the point to play devils advocate. Needing support and getting it from professional or personal channels is different, i cant believe that i am having to spell this out to an adult. But expecting support and getting oneself pregnant in the hope that the village will help raise your child is a completely different story. One shouldn't be getting oneself pregnant expecting others to help them out, and then like OP feel let down when others are getting on with their own lives without worrying about "just being granny" to OPs child. At the end of the day, OP is moaning at the fact that the support network OP thought she had is not there.
It's a bit like taking out a mortgage hoping your parents will help you pay it off. When you take out a mortgage you need to be self-sufficent enough to pay it back. Likewise, when you get yourself pregnant you need to be self-suffient enough to raise that child. I don't think one should go into either of these life changing commitments expecting help from mummy and daddy.