Pregnant at the same time as my mum – feeling weird about it!

Since she was TTC, didn't you think this would be a possibility?

You could've waited if you thought it would be too weird but your mum is obviously running out of time.

Your mum can be excited for her own baby and be excited for yours too, it doesn't have to take the shine off of anything.

I agree with you.

I know people on MN like to pretend that it's perfectly normal to have a kid at 45, but it isn't.

I don't blame OP for feeling like she feels.

🤣

I can see how this could be tricky for you, particularly at the newborn stage where your mum won't necessarily be the doting granny you were hoping for. But it might be fun to be on maternity leave at the same time - your mum is so young that I'm assuming she would otherwise have been working. Maternity leave can be pretty lonely so having her around will be lovely! And I'm sure the babies will have a lovely close bond. Then when they are older you may well both have a childcare solution as it can be easier to look after 2 than 1 if they are good playmates

A friend of mine had a (surprise) baby when she was 50. Her daughter had one at a similar time and my friend ended up looking after two babies when her daughter went back to work.

I'd feel weird about it too. But from your OP and subsequent posts, I can't help but feel that the reason you are feeling like this is because you envisage less childcare and "support " from your mum, and its not necessarily the uncle and nephew/niece both sitting their SATS at the same time dynamics. You should be independent and try and raise your children by yourselves, not expecting help from family and friends. Millions of women have done it. It's quite pathetic that you selfishly want your mum for "support" and to just "be granny" which I am guessing is the euphemism these days for childcare.

Congratulations.

Same thing happened a friend of mine at 21, her mum was 41 and both were unexpected.

She was beyond disgusted at the time but it worked out really well, especially with join babysitting so each of them could have a break. Both has girls and they have always been best friends.

I can understand why you feel weird, but ultimately there's nothing you can do and I'm sure you'll get used to the idea.

FWIW I know 5/6 families where this has happened and they have fantastic relationships.

Sidenote, whilst this might have been normal until the 1940s, in your great grandparents era, etc, I'm not sure why so many people seem to think these facts would bring OP comfort...

You’re getting an unfair amount of shit about “grandma mode”.

OP isn’t saying 45 is ancient. She is saying that generally women are super excited about becoming grandmothers and can’t wait to get their hands on the new squishy baby in the family.

But if grandma has just had her own squishy baby then there’s a sense she’ll be less excited about her new grandbaby and I think that’s perfectly valid to feel that way. Of course it takes a bit of a shine of it.

Theres’s nothing you can do about it OP but your feelings are valid. Feel them and move on when once you’ve processed.

Your Mum was really young when she had you and that must be quite unusual for your age group. I'm the same age as your Mum and my dm was a similar age when she had me which was more common in the late 79's but by the 90s when your dm and I were 18 it was more unusual. Because of that it is likely that all your friends have slightly older mothers and so if you are seeing their dynamic it must feel a bit weird. I can't say I feel like grandmother age at 45 (my kids are teens) but I do feel way to old to parent a newborn.

I think your dm will have a very different experience to being a Mum this time around. It's likely to be very tiring for her and she won't be there to support you so much so that will be hard. What's your mil like? Can she be a support for you?

My MIL had her last baby (boy) - within a month or so as her eldest daughter having her first. I was an uncle/niece relationship between the children but they grew up together,attended the same schools and they are still close today. It is strange as concept for us today but back in the 40s it was more common then you think. MIL had 10 kids and both youngster had the extended family. MIL had a daughter (child no 9) 2 years earlier,

What a twatty comment! Jesus woman, how badly must you be ageing at 45 to put this?

OP yabu sorry. Full on 'grandma mode' wasn't in her plans like it was yours (you said you knew she was ttc anyway) and you need to accept it and think of all the lovely positives instead.

"Utterly gross"? What a strange thing to say. Why?

My grandma and my aunt were pregnant together and it wasn’t an issue, but it was in the 60s.

I think your feelings are perfectly normal (if you ever watch Jane the Virgin there’s a similar plot line) but realistically your mother isn’t obligated to not have another child just to ensure you feel special or doted on as you’re an adult well into your 20s.

I don’t want any more children but realistically the same could happen - I don’t think I’d love my hypothetical grandchild any less just because I was having one of my own too.

Also at 43 my mother felt she was far too young to be a grandmother, my DD still uses her first name. At least your mother is excited! That’s lovely.

I'd say 45 is old to have a biological baby. Anything over 40. There's risks to mum and baby.

How judgemental.

YANBU. I’m sure I’ll be pulled apart for this but 45 is too old and I would feel really weird about it as well.

I think you need to make sure that you still find your tribe - people of your age, pregnant with their first baby - and that hanging out with your mum doesn't preclude that. She sounds a bit self-obsessed and not massively empathic with how you may be feeling.

It’s not at all judgemental. It’s honest. It’s at the very extreme older end of the age spectrum and the fact her mum had been ‘trying a while’ means nature is trying to push back and she’s forced it. It isn’t ageist to say 15 is too young, so why is it ageist to say 45 is too old?

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be "bump buddies" with my mum!

She might be joking but you both need your own friends for that I would have thought.

I wanted to talk to my mum about my pregnancy on a mother daughter level, not as peers!

And I suppose selfishly, I worry that my pregnancy/baby won’t feel as special because she’ll be going through it all too.

I mean, it is selfish but it’s also true, and I think you’ll need to reframe it all in your head. Most mums are very excited about their grandchildren because they’re a long way off their own babies, and it’s nostalgic and exciting. Yours will have her own. It will be a different dynamic. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad, and you’ve got an inbuilt friend for baby classes and whatever if that’s how you want to do things, but you probably won’t have the “classic” grandparent experience.

That said, some people don’t get that anyway. My in-laws were very excited about children and put loads of pressure on us… then decided they wanted their son “back” and haven’t seen DS since he was 11 months old, two years ago.

It’s valid to feel a bit out about it; I think. Give yourself some space and work out how you want to do things. I’d still probably recommend doing your own antenatal classes and some baby classes so you make some friends your age too, but that’s mostly because mine have been amazing and it might be a lot harder to make solid friendships if you’re going with your mum.

In the same vein, why should the OP’s mother jeopardise the family life she wants because her daughter has chosen to conceive at the same time she knew her mother was trying. Even if she wasn’t trying, tough luck that’s the facts of life. Hardly reasonable to whinge about it after the fact. She is 27, she could statistically have multiple children even if she had waited for her sibling to be born. Time however for her mother is not on her side. This is part of life, and the only thing that should matter to OP is that both babies are born healthy. Be thankful for a healthy baby, everything else is entitlement. There a lot of wild, baseless assumptions being placed upon this woman. Not every 45 year old is knackered or unfit as not every person in their late 20’s and thirties are fit and active. It’s down to the individual to assess their individual capabilities. What do people suggest that you start sterilising people over the age of 35 because of the risks associated with geriatric pregnancy? Of course not, that’s lunacy.

The OP isn’t a teenager so should be able to get her head around the fact that people who have children younger are perfectly entitled to have children older also.

Obviously the OP was fully informed about how reproduction works so she knew this was at least a possibility. There are lot of self-centred people on this thread. It isn’t up to others to decide if the OP’s mother should or shouldn’t be having anymore children and what age she should have had them instead. A menstruating woman has the opportunity to have a child and has done for millions of years. Women having children later on in life is really common. If people feel like they get an opinion on biology then I honestly don’t know what to tell you. Good luck with your baby OP and congratulations.

My sisters daughter is 5 years older than our brother

Nobody thinks it's an issue when a father has children so far apart in age. My friend is the oldest child from her Ddads first marriage. He has been remarried twice and had children with both. Her first set of half siblings are 20+ years younger and the second set are 40+ years younger. Rod Stewart has children ranging from 61 to 14.