Pregnant at the same time as my mum – feeling weird about it!

The newborn phase is so short don't put so much emphasis on that. I know you'll miss having your mum as a practical support system. But you have time to build a plan b for that.

Think about long term future your baby will have a lovely aunt uncle who is like a cousin or sibling to be a pal for their whole lives growing up and once you're gone. This is lovely for them.

@mgh663 Haven't read the whole thread but I've been in this situation (I'd be your child in the situation 😂). It was great growing up with an uncle a few weeks younger than me. We were more brothers than anything.

My Nan didn't work after having her youngest so she the childcare around school time.

It may feel strange but I'm sure there will be tonnes of perks along the way. My parents always had a babysitter when they needed!

This.

My sister had her first DC 8 years before I did and my mum was able to support her and be the doting granny. Unfortunately she developed dementia (tbh was probably already in the early stages when sister had her DC) and by the time my own DC was born, it was often touch and go whether she actually knew who I was. And sadly died when my DC were 3 and 2.

Reading your posts again, OP and I'm struck by how young your mum was when she had you. Is there a chance the "bump buddies" thing hit a nerve because you already feel your relationship is more two friends than a mum and a daughter? And you're hurt now because this was the one time you thought you might get the proper "mum experience"?

It's quite common for young mums to end up relating to their daughters in this way. To become the "we're best friends!" mum, and not see what's wrong with that. Then the daughter grows up and can't understand why she feels frustrated and even resentful, at times, even though she's "so close" with Mum. The child often feels guilty for even having those feelings. "Mum and I have such a good relationship, she's like my best friend. Why do I feel like this?" The truth is that the relationship they have would be great. For friends. Cousins. Sisters, even. But as a mum and daughter relationship, there's something missing in it. And even if you've never consciously thought about it that way . . . you feel it, sometimes.

This can be a hard thing to work through, because in cases like this, it's not that your mum is a bad person, or doesn't love you. So you feel like you're not allowed to resent the relationship you missed out on. Let alone ever talk about it. Mum did the best she could, and it would hurt her feelings too much to bring it up, so usually in a situation like this, you just don't. But you still have those feelings, and they have to go somewhere. It's tough.

I could be way off base, of course. Maybe that's not how it is at all with your mum. It's just that some of the things you said felt familiar, and made me wonder if this whole thing is bringing up deeper issues for you. It would be completely understandable. Especially with hormones in the mix.

To posters with this belief why is there no age limit to being a foster parent in the UK. That's because age doesn't get taken into consideration. It's whether the potential carers are fit & healthy. This is exactly the same argument as to whether having a child in your 40s is the right decision. You can't generalise.

Occasional babysitting as a grandmother can not be compared to being a mother 24/7. Not to mention all possible complications for the geriatric mother and possible genetic abnormalities in babies. We might look great in our forties but it's not ideal to have a baby at 45.

It's not about energy, it's about biology : There are several risks of having a baby at 45, including genetic abnormalities in children, gestational diabetes, and preeclampsia. And this is a person who has had kids already.

🙄 not what I said. Feels like you are deliberately missing the point to play devils advocate. Needing support and getting it from professional or personal channels is different, i cant believe that i am having to spell this out to an adult. But expecting support and getting oneself pregnant in the hope that the village will help raise your child is a completely different story. One shouldn't be getting oneself pregnant expecting others to help them out, and then like OP feel let down when others are getting on with their own lives without worrying about "just being granny" to OPs child. At the end of the day, OP is moaning at the fact that the support network OP thought she had is not there.
It's a bit like taking out a mortgage hoping your parents will help you pay it off. When you take out a mortgage you need to be self-sufficent enough to pay it back. Likewise, when you get yourself pregnant you need to be self-suffient enough to raise that child. I don't think one should go into either of these life changing commitments expecting help from mummy and daddy.

I really wouldn't like it either but she hasn't done anything wrong.

Ops mum best not go looking for support or help based on that poster. Helps for the weak clearly.

@AlwaysThereBear so all women should have a baby and not expect or need any support…ever? Don’t be ridiculous. Families have rallied around and supported new parents forever in every culture and across ever species. Maybe you’ve done it all independently with no support- good for you. Lots of women need their mum in the fourth trimester and beyond. Don’t judge new mums needing support.

And yes,whichever way you'd like to rephrase it, that is exactly what OP was doing. If OP feels she needs help with pregnancy and newborn stage, which as you correctly point out is a " MASSIVE life change which often comes with mental illness and a lot of stress " perhaps OP is not yet ready to become a parent.

No one else has pointed it out because it isn't clear if OP is an only child or not.

Well, OP was planning on having her child with the aide of her granny crutch and is resenting her mum for also having a child at the same time because OP selfishly wanted her mum to just "be granny", and I am being a dick?! Okay then 👍

This. honestly some of the replies on this thread.

OP. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do. Personally I’d feel really weird and upset by the whole situation, not least because and I don’t think anyone has pointed it out yet, but you’ll have to share your mum for the first time in your life. That alone must be unsettling in itself, but to have the double whammy of her being a grandmother at the same time as her having a newborn herself, must be really, really hard.

Take some time to work through your feelings, be kind to yourself. It’ll all work out in the end. Someone else asked if your MIL is in the picture? If she is and you get on, perhaps she can be of some support to you in the early days?

OP knew her mum was TTC though so this can't have been a big shock.

at 27 has been rubbing her hands in glee and planning on her mum "supporting " her and "just being granny" to her child

Good grief some people on here are such arseholes. She’s not rubbing her hands in glee she was hoping for practical support from her mum- this is not unreasonable. She was hoping for her mum to support her when she has her first child- a MASSIVE life change which often comes with mental illness and a lot of stress. For good sake don’t be a dick.

15 year olds are still minors by law. Can't vote, can't get a driving licence and they are physically, mentally and emotionally immature. They can't get a full-time job at 15, how can they support a child by themselves at 15! Having a baby at 15 (in the absence of someone being there to "just be granny" aka childcare/look after baby) also means they won't be able to concentrate on education , which can effect their future employability/prospects. At 45 none of this applies.

That said, here we have OP who at 27 has been rubbing her hands in glee and planning on her mum "supporting " her and "just being granny" to her child. So if one cant cope with a pregnancy and newborn stage at 27, what hope does a 15 year old have!

Nobody needs counselling for referring to science, don't be a silly sausage.

I think it's probably normal to be thrown off by this, it's just not the natural order of things. Ordinarily you having your first baby would usher your mother into a grandmother role, with all that that often entails (doting, support etc).

What is happening here is more alike two friends or siblings who are pregnant at the same time. She won't be coming round to help with the washing or sending photos to her friends deliriously as she'll understandably be experiencing all the same pressures and responsibilities as you with her own baby.

The babies won't have the normal aunt/uncle and nephew/niece relationship, they'll be more like cousins.

None of it is bad it's just different and likely to take a bit of time to readjust expectations.

Yeah I joked to my mother that now was pregnant she couldn’t have anymore. It wasn’t really a joke deep down.

but yeah we all let’s face it expect our own parents to be done having children by the time we have children. Being a grandma vs being a new parent at the same time as a new grandma is a very different experience for both.

This happened in my husband's family. Identical ages to you and everything, although the babies are now adults.

I think its understandable that you feel weird about it. It's normal that you've almost subconsciously (I imagine) had an expectation that your mum would be a grandma to your children one day, with all the usual hallmarks of that relationship. And now you're faced with a different reality it's difficult to get your head around. In my husband's family, the grandma definitely does not have a "granny/granddaughter" relationship with her grandchild. She is more akin to an aunty, and her own child is like a cousin to her sibling. Whilst all those relationships are happy, they are different than was maybe expected or hoped for. There are things that were gained - like the closeness between the two "babies" (now adults), but there is/was a sense of the grandparent relationship being lost. Or never materialising in the first place, more accurately.

I think all you can really do is just try and readjust your expectations and deal with those feelings now. Rather than carry on hoping for a traditional grandma figure for your child and being perpetually disappointed. There are positives too, so I think it's just a case of hanging onto those.

"Bump buddies" would give me the ick though, especially if the "buddy" was my own mother.

Maybe you don’t feel like you have much energy but that’s not usual,

The newborn stage is so short, but maternity leave can be long and lonely at times. You'll have someone you love dearly to spend that with, organise school holidays together, and hopefully have two very close friends for life!

I definitely think you'll feel differently once the babies are here but I do completely get where you're coming from too.

Oh god I would absolutely hate that! The 'bump buddies' thing would have me worried that she wants you as her support at a time when she should be looking after you. My social life boomed when I had DS1, I met loads of people at baby groups, baby massage etc, always out for coffee with the babies. I would worry that your mum will stifle your attempts to socialise with other first time mums of your own age. Make sure to carve out time for yourself and your baby without your mum and sibling tagging along.

Personally I think she is selfish having another when her own DD is approaching parenthood, children don't stop needing us just because they grow up.