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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've mad an utter fool of myself

306 replies

Cloes · 27/01/2025 08:17

So I'm 30 now, I have a 2 year old DC, my partner left me for another woman 8 months ago and I haven't been myself since. Before my partner I had a long term relationship, he left me as he felt our lifestyles didn't match. We broke up when I was 25 and he was 24 after being together for 4.5 years.

Soon after the break up he moved abroad. Anyway this Christmas I went with my family for a post dinner drink at the pub and he happened to be there, with his girlfriend and his family. We chatted for like 30 minutes, nothing over the top just about life, he introduced me to his girlfriend.
After I left I was so confused, I felt like the spark was still there but equally I was worried I was misinterpreting the situation. So I found his instagram and sent a follow request, he accepted and I messaged saying how nice it was to see him. We continued messaging, honestly upon reflection his replies were very dry but I wasn't reading it like that. He did mention his girlfriend a lot but for some reason I still decided to try and flirt.

Skip ahead, yesterday I was visiting my parents and they told me they were going out with his parents for dinner. This is normal my parents and his parents were friends long before we were born and have maintained the friendship. My mum decided to ask if it would be okay if I joined them, they said yes. When I arrived I realised that my ex and his girlfriend were also there. I found the meal really difficult, seeing him all loved up with her made me feel sick and I just didn't know how to act, I must have seemed so off.

We then went back to his from some after dinner wine, I was pretty drunk by this point and he went to get another bottle from the kitchen, I decided to follow him, I don't know why or what I was expecting. I then took it upon myself to try and kiss him, he immediately pushed me back and asked me wtf I was doing and if I had lost my mind. I started sobbing in the kitchen and he went and immediately told his girlfriend.
Next thing she came through and I was still crying and she asked me what I did that for. I said I don't know and just got increasingly upset. She isn't British and has a heavy accent at times so I struggled to understand her but I eventually said something like "I don't know I guess I'm just jealous cause you're beautiful and have him and I don't" and then I muttered under my breath "I hate you". She quickly replied to that with "Funny how I've never been hated by someone I wanted to swap positions in life with" or something like that and walked away. By this time he must of told his parents and his parents must have suggested to my parents we leave so my mum came and got me and said let's go.
When we got home my mum went mad asking if I've lost my mind or if I'm trying to sabotage her friendship and their relationship.

I got a can back to mine and I spoke to some friends, i genuinely believed that he was into me from the messages but other friends have now seen screenshots and all told me it was totally in my head and he was mentioning his girlfriend every few messages.

AIBU to just want to be swallowed whole by the earth, I'm so embarrassed and this is very out of character for me. I have a career and friends and a normal life I'm not crazy. How do I recover from this, my friends think I've lost my mind, my parents are clearly upset with me. What do I do?

OP posts:
EdithBond · 27/01/2025 19:11

Lettucepray1 · 27/01/2025 10:05

Yes it’s embarrassing but no lasting harm done except to your self-esteem. You can fix things:

  • send a note to his parents apologising for your behaviour at their house and at their invitation. Explain it was out of character etc as pp have suggested.
  • send a note to him with a similar apology. No need to send a letter to the girlfriend. You could message via IG but he may have blocked you or may not read it. Better send a physical note if you can.
  • Stop all contact with him and unfollow him on social media.
  • As others have said: counselling for yourself as you are in a vulnerable place and need some non-judgemental support and a space to process and come to terms with your break up, and get your confidence back.

V wise advice. Really, no harm done @Cloes. You’ll look back and laugh in time to come.

Obvs not at the upset it’s caused others, but how it was the “old you”. Before you fully realised never look back down the road you’ve already trodden, only forward to the landscapes and people to come.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 27/01/2025 19:19

Stravaig · 27/01/2025 14:01

Apologising by sending a note to the couple together along with flowers to the girlfriend specifically is a trifold gesture of respect and acknowledgement:

that the girlfriend exists;

that the couple is established, and happy together;

and that the OP has especially wronged the girlfriend, who is the vulnerable outsider to both families and their shared history.

I doubt the gf wants a bunch of flowers from the OP or is interested in reading any notes. No contact is probably what she’s wanting/expecting now.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 27/01/2025 19:32

Chuchoter · 27/01/2025 13:33

Keep any apology short and to the point and then block and move on.

Don't waffle on with excuses.

Hi NAME, I want to apologise for my behaviour the other night. I'm sorry for any embarrassment or offence that I caused. Best wishes, YOUR NAME.

That’s a better way of doing things I think. Acknowledge that you’ve done wrong without making a big fuss that may just stir things up further.

Technonan · 27/01/2025 19:49

FWIW, you're not the only one who has done something like this. I think the advice upthread to apologise to him, explain you've been having a rough time and unfollow him to make it clear you are taking yourself out of the picture is a good one.

ThatCoralShark · 27/01/2025 20:17

ThDanielDay · 27/01/2025 18:27

If he wants to tell his gf and the gf posted about it on here, those same posters trying to make this his fault would be saying "very convenient he waited to tell you so you court get her side of the story. / so he comes running out of the kitchen, says nothing and rushes the other woman out of the house, seems like he's getting his defence in first"

Some drunk woman follows me in to the kitchen, tries to throw the lip on me out of nowhere and then becomes an emotional sobbing wreck on the floor, I am 100 percent getting my side on record there and then.
Look way now suspicious to walk out as though nothing happened.

Or if the girlfriend posted saying his ex has been texting him, he was dry but friendly , she was flirting, asked to come to dinner, then got wankered and tries to snog him in the kitchen,

no one would be giving it, well I hope you were nice to her.

JHound · 27/01/2025 20:28

Fencehedge · 27/01/2025 08:48

Do you not see him when he collects your child? Does he pay good maintenance?

I'd blame the drink but you need to lift your head up and carry on. His girlfriend knows about his child, yes?

You act like everyone has forgotten the baby?

Edited

I read it as this is not the ex she has a child for.

Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 10:21

meh2025 · 27/01/2025 15:03

She chased his attentions knowing he was taken and tried to kiss him while his girlfriend was sitting in the other room. How on earth can she possibly apologise in any meaningful way for that?

I'm sorry you rejected me, sorry I deliberately tried to bugger up your new relationship and get you to dump your girlfriend, sorry I got pissed and was so self entitled I ruined everyone's night? What good is sorry going to do, she did it all on purpose.

In their position what I would want is to never see her, talk to her or have to deal with her again as there is nothing at all she can do to make it any better, and I certainly wouldn't want to have to pretend to accept her apology or listen to her having another melt down.

She could possibly apologise to her parents and ask her mum to pass on the apologies to the rest of them.

But the right thing to do would be to leave her ex and his girlfriend alone completely and forever.

Edited
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You've obviously never been drunk enough to do something right out of character.

ThatCoralShark · 28/01/2025 10:45

Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 10:21

You've obviously never been drunk enough to do something right out of character.

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Cmon she was messaging him, thought there was a spark etc all sober. The kiss wasn’t suddenly out of character it was a cumulation of what she’s been trying for some time.

id agree with you if she had no thoughts of him and pounced, but that’s not what happened, she’s been set on trying to get with him since she saw him the first time.

meh2025 · 28/01/2025 11:03

Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 10:21

You've obviously never been drunk enough to do something right out of character.

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No, I haven't. On the few occasions I got bladdered enough for my inhibitions to go down I didn't try to pretend it was out of character if I did something pathetic or stupid.

Byt that's neither here nor there as what the OP did was very much IN character. She had been chasing him for weeks by message and wanted him back. The drink let her get brave enough to go for it.

She fucked up, no real harm done, hopefully she will have learned from this and everyone can just move on.

pinkdelight · 28/01/2025 12:45

KarlaKK · 27/01/2025 11:56

He didn't need to tell her then and there though - nothing to be gained by that.

No one is saying it is the man's fault, but he definitely could have handled it better. The parents are old family friends at the end of the day.

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Erm, what if he'd had a drink too? What if they all had? Why does OP get a pass for handling it fucking terribly and yet everyone else needs to 'handle it better'? Mindboggling.

JustAskingThisQ · 28/01/2025 12:59

Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 10:21

You've obviously never been drunk enough to do something right out of character.

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How far do you excuse though?

Broke a glass by throwing it across the room?

Grabbed a woman's bum?

Slapped someone who offended you?

Blabbed personal secrets to the entire room?

I've seen people excuse all of these things with alcohol and heard about people trying to excuse much more.

ladyofshertonabbas · 28/01/2025 13:00

People have done worse, just apologise, concentrate on you and your life, as time passes it will fade into just something that happened one night. You will find the right person.

meh2025 · 28/01/2025 13:32

pinkdelight · 28/01/2025 12:45

Erm, what if he'd had a drink too? What if they all had? Why does OP get a pass for handling it fucking terribly and yet everyone else needs to 'handle it better'? Mindboggling.

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Right. He was obviously shocked and simply reacted. I'd never dream of telling someone how they should react to an unwanted sexual overture.

meh2025 · 28/01/2025 13:47

And again, please don't approach this man or his girlfriend again. Just leave them alone. There is nothing you could say to make this remotely right, and it's very fair to assume they want nothing more to do with you.

Unfollow him on everything and leave him in peace. Perhaps apologise to your parents and ask your mum to pass on the apology to the others.

And then just move on. It's not the end of the world.

thicklysettled · 28/01/2025 14:05

CrabappleTrees · 27/01/2025 08:49

It sounds as if you are lonely and after your previous partner left you and your child you wanted to fill a gap. Meeting your other ex, who you’re on good terms with, must have felt like a very safe and convenient way to fill a hole in your life. But you didn’t stop to check your narrative against his. Despite him mentioning his gf and not flirting with you, you will have constructed your own ideal and then acted on it when alcohol got in the way.

As others suggest you need to own your behaviour, apologise sincerely but succinctly to him and his gf, don’t put any blame onto anyone else and then remove yourself from this man’s life. Apologise to his parents and yours and assure them that you acted out of character and don’t want to create problems that would make their friendship difficult.

Then resolve to give yourself a clear break from seeking any romantic attachments and if you can seek some counselling to belong work through your previous break up.

Does your child’s father see them? It’s overwhelming being a single parent to a small child. I hope you have support with childcare and that you are able to carve out space for yourself.

I completely agree with this, but wanted to add - please be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace. You are incredibly vulnerable right now, and after a few drinks you sought comfort from the familiar, whom you loved once. You're entirely human, and your behavior understandable (if a little embarrassing.) Apologise, move on, and forgive yourself.

Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 14:33

JustAskingThisQ · 28/01/2025 12:59

How far do you excuse though?

Broke a glass by throwing it across the room?

Grabbed a woman's bum?

Slapped someone who offended you?

Blabbed personal secrets to the entire room?

I've seen people excuse all of these things with alcohol and heard about people trying to excuse much more.

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None of those things are excusable, in my book. Kissing an ex is. He is the one who deserves to be called out for blabbing all about it. What a "man" !

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 28/01/2025 14:34

pinkdelight · 28/01/2025 12:45

Erm, what if he'd had a drink too? What if they all had? Why does OP get a pass for handling it fucking terribly and yet everyone else needs to 'handle it better'? Mindboggling.

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It’s the OP we’re responding to not the ex boyfriend. While everyone accepts the OP is out of order not everyone wants to stick the boot in I guess.

ThatCoralShark · 28/01/2025 14:36

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 28/01/2025 14:34

It’s the OP we’re responding to not the ex boyfriend. While everyone accepts the OP is out of order not everyone wants to stick the boot in I guess.

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Sticking the boot in is not something most folks are trying to do. But you can do that without blaming the ex and his girlfriend

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 28/01/2025 14:38

ThatCoralShark · 28/01/2025 14:36

Sticking the boot in is not something most folks are trying to do. But you can do that without blaming the ex and his girlfriend

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Lol, it most certainly is. No need to kick someone when they’re down.
Its not as if she’s trying to defend her behaviour.

Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 14:45

ThatCoralShark · 28/01/2025 10:45

Cmon she was messaging him, thought there was a spark etc all sober. The kiss wasn’t suddenly out of character it was a cumulation of what she’s been trying for some time.

id agree with you if she had no thoughts of him and pounced, but that’s not what happened, she’s been set on trying to get with him since she saw him the first time.

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Rereading the thread, I think you are right!

MangoAndMelon · 28/01/2025 15:34

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 28/01/2025 14:38

Lol, it most certainly is. No need to kick someone when they’re down.
Its not as if she’s trying to defend her behaviour.

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Lots of people are doing just that while also in a sense attacking the guy and callimg him a drama queen

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 28/01/2025 16:24

MangoAndMelon · 28/01/2025 15:34

Lots of people are doing just that while also in a sense attacking the guy and callimg him a drama queen

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Lots of people are doing just that

Do you mean defending her behaviour? I’m not sure they are really.
Maybe I missed it but I haven’t seen one post saying “oh don’t worry you’ve done nothing wrong”. Just because you don’t berate someone doesn’t mean you condone what they do.

And yes, I do think the bf could have handled it better but that’s not to say I think it’s actually his fault. As I said in my previous post he had to tell the gf what happened or it would look like he was guilty if she found out regardless.

IButtleSir · 28/01/2025 16:29

The only thing you can do is apologise profusely to everyone- him, his girlfriend, his parents, your parents.

And get yourself some counselling.

VoodooRajin · 28/01/2025 16:30

CatsForGovernment · 27/01/2025 16:52

How would you react if your partner told you his ex had tried to kiss him while you were in the other room? Just curious.

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If she was pissed and crying, i think i would feel sorry for her rather than angry and mean

IButtleSir · 28/01/2025 16:32

Cloes · 27/01/2025 09:01

I wish he had waited to tell her as I think I found this gorgeous girl having a go at me even more hurtful than the rejection. Especially the "I've never been hated by someone I'd want to swap positions with" like thank you I'm so glad my life is your worst nightmare 😕

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She had every right to say that to you after you tried to kiss her boyfriend and said you hated her; don't waste time and energy feeling aggrieved by her comment.