I've mad an utter fool of myself

The reason why we are discussing rape is because there are lots of red flags in the way that the OP and what I'd term the enablers are speaking about this incident. Firstly they are saying that her state of mind and intoxication make her behaviour somewhat understandable. They have also ignored him the OP clearly states evidence that the man was clear in his boundaries, but she ignored those overt signs to focus on the covert signals she believed he was sending.

Finally they said that the man was wrong for escalating the incident by immediately reporting that his boundaries were violated.

The pattern of behaviour is very reminiscent of what we see in sexual predators and the people that allow them to continue to harm. They aren't reprimanded for their early, relatively mild behaviour, so this escalates.

He did exactly the right thing IMO.

If he hadn't, the girlfriend might've thought the trip to the kitchen together was planned. He also ran the risk of the drunken OP trying to blame him.

And why should she sit there not knowing that the OP had tried to kiss her boyfriend a minute ago??

Why do people keeping suggesting sending flowers?! I wouldn’t want flowers from a woman who’d thrown herself at my husband, in my own home, and then told me she hated me. Terrible suggestion.

Get on top of this today! Send his parents a message apologising profusely for causing a scene in their home. Apologise separately to your ex and his gf for your completely misreading the situation and then apologise to your parents. Explain you’ve had a very difficult time recently and you got caught up in the past.

I hope you’re OK. There’s nothing worse than this sort of thing hanging over you though so just get it done today so you can move on, maybe get some talking therapy

We've all done embarrassing things!! Send heartfelt apologies and then leave it.

Look on the bright side, you didn't shit your pants!!

Oh love it was a mistake- we’ve all made them and will make many more! Sometimes we take a risk and it works out, other times it doesn’t but we learn from them - look after yourself

Christ.
I would absolutely send and apology to him, his girlfriend and his parents!

You've behaved appallingly. He absolutely did the right thing in telling his girlfriend straight away and those blaming him for leading you etc are being ridiculous.

You completely embarrassed yourself, luckily you can avoid them ! Send an apology and honestly try not to think about it anymore.

Oh gosh, OP, we've all done stupid things that make us want to curl up under a duvet and never come out. Be kind to yourself. Just send a text apologising, and cut them out of your life. I wouldn't be sending flowers or handwritten letters, ffs. Apologise, say you were tired and had had too much to drink. Then move on with your life.

God I wouldn't send a handwritten note or flowers or anything. It's not Downton Abbey. It makes it look like you care far too much about the whole thing.

Just leave it now, anything else you do will just make it more awkward or look like you're trying to reignite it all again.

@Cloes you need to step away from this now. What the gf said and what your ex said are not important.
Priority one is apologising properly to the ex and his gf, then cutting contact with them.

Priority two is apologising to both sets of parents for ruining a nice evening, tell them you’re apologised and won’t be in contact with your ex again and hope it doesn’t impact on their friendship.

Priority three is working on yourself.

justifying whether the gf was mean or the ex should have ever messaged you (which you’ve agreed you misinterpreted rather than him trying it on) is a waste of your and everyone else’s time. The more time you spend on here going on about his gf, the more it looks like you think they were wrong and you were right. You weren’t. You made a mistake. Own it, apologise and move on.

But in this case she shouldn’t have been trying to kiss him in the first place! He was spoken for and his partner was in the next room! Bloody hell I despair……

It’s what needs to be done. Do you have advice on ‘simpler’ courses of action for her?

Bloody hell you haven’t killed someone
you tried to kiss someone because you feel shit right now, not the biggest deal in the world
I certainly would not be contacting him anymore to apologise
id just make sure I never go to dinner etc with him again

your parents can finally get over it and start to understand you’ve been through a. Rough time and need a bit of support not bollocking

I wouldn't read too much into OP's version of the GF's comment. She says how drunk she was and couldn't hear the GF properly and this interpretation sounds like another thing to cling onto the fantasy that he truly loves OP and not his GF, which is a mega reach given everything else that actually happened outside of the OP's head. Claiming this was just a drunk mistake ignores OP's stated intention from the moment she followed him and started flirting, which is not on. To excuse that and blame the guy for being honest with his GF is just bonkers. But obviously even women who actively try to hit on attached men are much more moral than a guy who loves his girlfriend. Jesus wept.

It was sufficiently clear! Read the first two paragraphs of the OP!

So the man coped immediately and pushed you away, both he and his girlfriend told you off at the time and I think like some other posters there was no need to involve both sets of parents.

“I hate you” was a bit unfortunate as you voiced what you were feeling, wish we could take that back - but I think the girlfriend was unnecessarily nasty to someone who was extremely upset.

Nobody would appreciate flowers in this situation, save your money. I can count on two fingers the number of heartfelt apologies I’ve had from folks that have done me wrong, over my lifetime, and yet plenty of folks have done me wrong without a backward glance. These two have had their very assertive reactions, don’t gracefully put your neck on the block so they can have a bit more of your pain (and dare I say maybe enjoy that, what a fuss they made about it!)

He is over the shock, by now, surely, and you have given them some drama to discuss where they both feel all righteous. Why his girlfriend feels she can come and stick the boot in, well I would have sat quietly and mind my own business I think. Yes you were out of order but now self care stop worrying about making them “okay”. They have both had their say now please concentrate on you and a long term plan for you.

I would advise any friend to say if they feel compelled to apologise about something like this that you were taking antibiotics and they reacted badly with the alcohol. Don’t talk about it to anyone. Be your own politician. Don’t punish yourself, that’s been done already by the other two - involving the entire family (ex) and nasty words (girlfriend). He will have noticed that aspect of her now, which he probably wasn’t aware of before plus I bet she’s not shut up gloating about it since as she sounds the type…it’s not all bad…Chin up. Nobody died!

He is over the shock, by now, surely, and you have given them some drama to discuss where they both feel all righteous. Why his girlfriend feels she can come and stick the boot in, well I would have sat quietly and mind my own business I think

You'd have sat quietly as your DP's ex tries to kiss him and says she hates you? Yeah right. I think they were pretty restrained. Why does OP get to be drunkenly out of control yet they are meant to be the model of fine manners and brush it off???

It will pass OP.
Make your formal apologies and it will become easier to just put it behind you. We all make mistakes. We all have something from our pasts that can still occasionally make us cringe. It’s what helps make us human.

I do think your parents could have spared you the embarrassment of dinner with his parents by not pushing for an invite for you. Very tactless of them to think that was a good idea in the first place. And it certainly wasn’t a good idea to include you on going back to his place for more wine. They could have taken you home at that stage. So I feel they didn’t really have your back.

Do something positive for yourself, have a fresh start with something, make new friends, take up running, join a new class. Good luck to you and your little one.

Just a nice gesture from someone that has put their hands up and admitted ‘I got it wrong, I’m sorry’.

Don’t worry, I’m not sure I’m a big enough person to sit there passively either, when some woman has clearly seen my happy life and relationship and judged it to be suitable collateral in her dysregulated rampage.

OP basically said “you are insignificant, only my pain matters” with her actions.

Apologies to the parents by text message.

No excuses.

I am not sure how you should contact the couple, maybe add your apology message to his parents message.

This is an opportunity for you to help yourself, let it go, don't bombard friends with messages, speak to a profession.

There are charities that can offer cheaper counselling services.

It’s not drama if they are delivered by someone else. It’s good manners. Reinforcing that you know you have behaved really badly and caused someone upset.

If you truly believe this is sexual assault (like you stated) you would believe the police needed to be called. I am not defending the OP just pointing out your ridiculousness, it is clear how ashamed the OP feels already and the last thing she needs is your nonsense. Please stop with this waffles crap as well.

Well I guess we are all different, and some clearly feel it is their place in the girlfriend’s situation to get directly involved. Most men I know though would have said, right, taxi for you OP and a black coffee while we wait, and then told girlfriend afterwards at the end of the night.

What you did was wrong but I don't think he should have told everyone then and there. I also don't think the girlfriend should have gone into the kitchen to speak to you either.

How big is this house that while you and the ex are in the kitchen no one can hear what is going on, that the girlfriend then goes in there (his parents should have handled the situation better and so should have your parents - as in getting you out of there pronto, with much apologies on the way, saying "she's not been herself lately, too much drink, thanks for a lovely evening, see you soon"). If I'd done what you did my parents would have got me out of there, not allowed the girlfriend access to me - that was never going to go well.

I'd text him to say something like "I'm mortified. Far too much alcohol and under some stress - apologies to you and your girlfriend." Then get off his Instagram. I'd ask my mother to apologise to his parents unless you are close to them and basically say the same thing. If they know you then they'll know it is out of character. Then go and lick your wounds and get on with life. It might make you cringe in the future though but avoid them at all costs and try and forget it and move on. What else can you do?