To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

I get it but like anything, the grass is not really greener, just different. You wouldn’t have any updates on the kids or photos of the fun stuff they did on dad’s time. Finances would be much tighter. Arguments over contact time and favours. The big one for me would actually being the realisation that I was stuck in one place forever (or until they turn 18) as your ex isn’t going to give a shit that you’ve got an amazing job opportunity elsewhere. Other people taking a parenting role with your kids. Christmas’s and birthdays shared. Never getting gifts for your birthday or Mother’s Day because your ex doesn’t take them shopping. I could go on!

Parents that manage the house and children 50:50 in a committed and loving relationship have the best of both worlds.
But yes, in the situation you describe, you would most likely be better off as a single parent

I did know a guy who loved this set up. Every weekend he got to party with his new girlfriend.
Most parents dislike it though as you miss a lot :(

I don’t envy single parents, I have a couple of friends who are in the situation you describe and they really find it hard to have 2 or more days/nights every week away from their child, they find it hard financially having to run a whole household on one income, there’s also the fact that yes they get a day “off” every week but they have absolutely no help the rest of the days. There’s no other parent to get up with the kids and get them sorted when mum is unwell and really just needs more time in bed, or to do dinner/bath/bed when they are unwell so they can just go to bed early and get that extra sleep, there’s no other parent to step in on an evening so they can go to the gym or for a run or to any kind of club to get some time for themselves, there’s no other parent to step in on an evening so mum can have a bath and just relax after a long day at work, and they have no other parent to discuss the good & bad with at home.

It didn’t happen to me as I said in my post. But it’s the reality for a lot of people. Dealing with heartbreak and trying to parent is the worst.

It is more intense parenting on your own. But yes, I found the time off was a boon. Knowing I was always close to a weekend by myself was something I made sure to appreciate.

You are underestimating the relentlessness of parenting alone. Your husband might be useless but he's still another adult in the building. This means you can pop to the shop when you run out of something, go out for a walk at the weekend without planning childcare, and have someone to look after children while you go to medical appointments. All of that goes when you are alone.

The financial strain is also huge. Every single bill you are now responsible for.

How old are your children op?

Same for me - I do everything completely alone and while yes its tough going and there's no break I also would have been devastated to be away from ds half the week. Never mind all the difficulties that go hand in hand with trying to Co parent through a divorce and post separation or when new partners come into play and you've no control over what happens to your children half the time. My advice would be to book a babysitter if you need to so you can have some down time. If your dh isn't pulling his weight then you need to tell him that you want marriage counselling to sort this because you're burnt out, have nothing left to give and you are on the verge of leaving so either he starts to help and take responsibility or he'll be doing it himself without you there half the week.

I get what you're saying, when the kids were little (teens now) we joked that we should split up until they're older so we could get a break then get back together, but then realised we like the break to be together. It's similar to a time when I sometimes wished I'd broken my leg or something so I would have to spend time sitting around doing nothing.

Having since done that, it was not as fun (not on purpose, and when the kids were old enough to make me cups of tea and bring me gin/wine so it could have been a lot worse), I fear the splitting up thing would probably have been a similar anti-climax. 😅

We are all different I would happily do 50/50 week on week off. Didn’t have kids to raise them alone.. each to their own though

You're being incredibly short sighted (and a martyr) in thinking that your children aren't picking up on the sniping and general disinterest between you both and from your husband.

Model better behaviour for them - and that isn't by wistfully staring at single mums who might get every other weekend to themselves but doing nothing pragmatic.

He won't engage and talk to you after multiple attempts? Then why are you there? He doesn't give one shit. He won't leave, why would he? You do everything. He's doing a-ok.

I think it's swings and roundabouts really, but I'd say the negatives massively outweigh the positives.
If you're lucky enough to have a decent person to co parent with, who isn't a controlling knob and doesn't see the impact their behaviour has on their children then great! Unfortunately for me, I was controlled for many many years and it took a long time for DS to be able to voice his opinion. In the meantime his "darling dad" dictated and was a nasty piece of work, because it was his right apparently .

On the upside, I have friends who have been really fortunate with their Exes and it's worked out brilliantly

The thing is though, is a couple of nights perfect when that is Friday-Sunday? So you get to do all the hard bits of parenting, the homework, packed lunches, uniforms, strict bed time and morning routines, drop offs and pick ups, and then you don’t get any of the nice fun bits on a weekend?

If your husband genuinely doesn’t even watch the children for an hour on an evening so you can relax or go exercise or just sit and read a book in peace then I honestly don’t know why you’re with him, or why you allow that. It’s really simple- just leave the house. He’s their dad, he’s home, pack some snacks and just go, even if it’s to sit in a coffee shop for an hour and read a book. Take time for yourself.

I am divorced, my exH has the kids 4 nights out of 14. I really like it, I get the kids most of the time but then get regular breaks too. We co-parent constructively despite a difficult initial split.

Six years in, I really don't see any detriment to the children. A downside, as noted by others, is the financial burden of running a household alone. I am very happy overall with the situation.

I agree OP and I speak from being in this position. I split custody with ex 50/50
No financial issues - we earn about the same and split everything
We are on the same page with parenting and we get on really well. We have one, extremely laid back 7 year old who is absolutely no trouble and is a delight,
I am aware of how good I have it and I feel extremely lucky. My situation is rare.

I know lots of separated couples and it really varies. A few co parent really well with a 50/50 split and some are completely toxic to each other trying to find ways to get at each other through the children. I know several women who parent completely alone and one man.

If he's an arsehole now he'll probably continue to be an arsehole if you split - you'll have no more power to make him contribute then than you do now.

However, I'd rather have an arsehole ex than an arsehole husband.

Maybe it's easier if you both get on well as co-parents, have similar parenting styles, share the children will, share the mental loss well etc.

But often if a man is fully pulling his weight like that, they wouldn't have split anyway, and he'd be happy for you to have time to yourself without having to split.

My high earning cousin 'gamed the system'.
Worked at sea in the early years, wife did the heavy lifting for his 4 or 6 weeks away
Then he'd tack on 'training' at the start or end of shifts with his mates surfing or biking.
Wife would continue to heavy lifting during his leave, cos she had her routine and he needed a break.
Eventually divorced. Didn't want to stump up maintenance so aimed for 50/50
He'd dump the kids on the grand parents or summer camps meanwhile did lots of holidays with new girlfriend making memories. Ex - wife also went through new boyfriend honeymoon period.
The kids majorly lost out. Everyone was on holiday but them. No discipline at grandparents some stability but quite boring.
Cousin & ex- wife maxed the system for free school meals, benifits, etc even though he's an out of UK high earner no tax.
But they have cycled through several serious partners each, dating then adventure, then honeymoon. The new new partners generally tolerate but not warm to the kids. It's pretty shit.

Since being single with 2 young dc my life simplified overlight. And the stress vanished. And I became happy again. The dc accepted the situation... to be honest its pretty normal nowadays. The ex dh muddled through but "his days" were few and far between and usually returned dc unexpectedly and they were hungry and unfed and irritable while he went off out for dinner. That's just my experience. Good luck

Honestly, that's atrocious.

How do you live with someone who shows absolutely no regard for your wellbeing? Who cares so little about you being happy, or offering any support whatsoever?

I genuinely don't think I could even still like my DH in those circumstances; and I'd be so worried about what I was teaching my children about what to expect and tolerate in a relationship, and how to be a parent.