To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

There are pros and cons. We have 50/50 of my DSD and it works well for work (DH does long work days on her Mum and SDs days and finishes early on our days) and both families have one child free weekend day each week. But someone is always missing her. Either her Mum or her Dad are feeling sad and guilty that she’s missing out at one time or another.

So what does your husband do with the kids? Why doesn't he do anything around the house or any chores related to the kids? What if you are unwell for example and can't get up from the bed?

That's pretty much the set up I have, and that I see around me in others. If you think your ex would want the kids regularly then I works say do it!

Why on earth are you facilitating his lack of engagement in parenting?

2 night premier inn for you, with whatever you consider entertainment, and let him get on with it. Give no warning and turn your phone off. Let him see how easy he has it.

Negotiate, if you want to, when you return.

I know people will say to do it then if it’s that easy and I have thought about it. But it obviously is a massive thing to break up a family and I don’t think it would make the children happy, just me and in many ways I’m the least important one.

You really should just crack on with it if you think it's so wonderful.

You're wrong of course but you can find that out for yourself.

To be honest I feel like I am lucky. I was fortunate to earn enough money to support myself and kids. Split 50 50 and that gives me plenty of free time to do my own stuff. If you can work it well then separate is quite good in some ways

It's interesting what you say about a hospital stay, I am ashamed to say I had that fantasy for a while only a few years ago. Looking back, I see I was totally overwhelmed by my workload and generally unhappy, probably a bit hormonal too but truly exhausted. I wish I had sought more help at the time, either medically or practically. I know you say you don't want a hotel stay but I think you need a break for your own MH, whatever form that takes. Your DH needs to know how serious this is now. It's no longer about laundry or the dishwasher it's about your marriage and MH.

Definition of insanity - doing what you’ve always done and expecting a different outcome. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your husband isn’t going to magically change. So what are you going to do about it?!

Stop doing his washing. Stop cooking his food. Stop making life so fucking easy for him.

Price up the cost of divorce/running two houses Vs part time housekeeper and a weekend away once a month.

Definitely sounds better than your situation, yes. Do it. When you can’t count on another person and they continuously let you down, taking them out of the situation can just make things easier.

But there is no guarantee you will co parent amicably. You read so many threads on here about “perfect” men who leave and no longer see their kids. Men who do everything they can to get out of paying maintenance. What happens once he gets a girlfriend and wants to spend all of his free time with her? What if he moves in with her and she has kids and your DC hate them and refuse to go over? What about when they are teenagers and they don’t want to go to Dad's anymore? Even the best co parenting relationships are skating on a fine line.

I'm not saying don't do it because I would in your situation. You're clearly doing everything as it is and not having a useless husband would be one load off your plate. But please go into it with your eyes wide open. They say you don't really know your husband until you're divorcing him.

Yes, I split from my DH.

However we co-parent really well.
Been up to get a food shop, my nails done massage now sat in bed having lunch and watching Netflix.

Get time to work on my business whilst my 2 year old has time with their dad.

It is bliss. As long as your DH is supportive, pays child support. I am lucky that we have days out to central London for nice lunches, play dates together so our child has us both together.

Best thing I ever did.
Don't have to cook or clean after a man. Just give the world to our child!

I think neither situation is ideal and I have empathy for you. I know you don’t want to speak to him about it but does he know it’s impacting you so much you are considering leaving him (not that is should take this?)

maybe do a pro’s and con’s list (somewhere he could never find it or delete it straight after). Things that come to mind:

• Pro’s: get a break when the kids are with dad and freedom of some childless times, children don’t grow up seeing mum do everything and that seep into their subconscious with any female children thinking their needs come last or male children thinking their needs always come first, you don’t have to parent another adult child so it takes one person off your list of tasks, you open the path to finding a more fulfilling relationship with an equal partner in life
• risks: you may end up missing your child/ren on the nights off and feel lonely, your children may not be effectively parented whilst in his care if he doesn’t pick up the gap you used to, if he had them one night at weekend he can become the “fun parent” (which can cause resentment when you have to do all the important but thankless parenting with them), if he got a new partner you’d need to consider your children’s relationship with this person who’d be in their life that you have no control or say about, would you have a relationship where you could effectively co-parent (flexible with one another in emergencies, act in childrens best wishes etc), the impact on the kids

For context when everyone says divorce impacts children, it definitely does, but I come from a household where my mum did everything for my dad, he was only ever a passenger in her life and never a partner. She stayed with him for me and it lead to a lot of resentment, I grew up hearing a lot of arguements in the latter years of their marriage and I think that was more detrimental to me than the divorce (I used to pray they wouldn’t get divorced, but ironically I was relieved when they told me they were separating (he cheated on her) and we had a much happier household after he left). I’m not saying this is where you are - but just consider if you feel like this now, could that eventually end up in resentment which could be the catalyst for other behaviours in the future?

Anyway I’ve gone on a tangent but I’d say not easier, different, and whilst some things get easier others get harder. So one to have a real good think about ❤️

I hear you, and I agree- in the situation you are describing, with all the caveats - other parent takes children reliably even if 1 day a week- then yes you would get a break.

i totally get what you are saying, and that you’re not doing it because, in fact, you are a good mum who cares about her children. Although it did make me sad to read ‘I am the least important one’. Sad and empathy- I feel the same too.

Divorce then.

It’s easier to be separated than to be with a complete twat, because at least you don’t have to look at their lazy face whilst running round doing all the work.

But it’s not easy having the financial burden all to yourself, having no one to chat things through with, being 100% on whilst your kids are with you, being quite inflexible as to when you can make plans friends as it has to be on the ex’s time. And subject to them letting you down.

It would be easier to be in a decent caring relationship.

You say that splitting up has "serious ramifications for the children" and yet you think it is in some way desirable. That sounds like a total disregard for the well-being of the children, but that's ok with you as long as you get a lie in.

You sound very much like you are struggling with motherhood, you don't enjoy weekends and don't particularly enjoy being with your children for any length of time.

I am sorry the father of your children is a bad father who does nothing to create a situation where his wife doesn't feel so overwhelmed

Rather than envying single mothers, you should look inwards to try and identify what you can do to improve your situation.

You seem like you’re in a really shitty situation, OP, and I do feel for you, but it isn’t the posters on this thread’s fault. It’s your crappy H’s fault.

You have no idea. You think the best way to get a lie in and do a few less loads of washing is to turn your lives upside down?
Even in a ‘good’ co-parenting family it doesn’t work the way you think.

I remember being desperate to get ill. I loved having the babies because it meant a couple of days (back in those heady times) of being in hospital, being looked after, as opposed to having to do everything while XH got himself up, went to work and then came home to lie on the sofa because he was tired. I had five kids under 7, but I wasn't allowed to be tired. I was expected to do everything (some of it fine as a SAHM, but not EVERYTHING).

In the end we separated. He started off wanting 50/50, but within days he'd moved 250 miles away 'for work' and only saw the kids once a year. Didn't pay anything, kept changing jobs so CMS couldn't catch him.

And it was STILL EASIER. OK, I never got so much as five minutes off, went back to work, still had to do it all alone, but at least I didn't have a lazy bugger thinking he was so much more important than me that I had to cook, clean, care for the kids, organise the house and everything else while he 'went to work'.

So I say separate if you want, but don't have any illusions that he will actually have the kids to help you out. You may well end up with them 100% of the time, in which case you'd need to cope with that.