To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

You’ll be flamed, but I get where you’re coming from, and do agree that in some situations, it works well.

Then do it.

In your situation @Adventurebayholiday, yes you would have it easier if you separated. As long as he stepped up and actually had contact with the dc.

The reason why you would be better off is because you are not in a partnership. You are carrying him on top of doing your fair share.

He will not magically change whether you stay in the marriage or not. If you split, you could still end up doing everything on your own. But at least it will be on your own terms.

Either way, the long term prospects are not great.

I tend to agree @adventurebay. I have got two lots of friends who have split with their first partner, got together with somebody else who also has kids and they have worked out a rota where they have each set of kids separately, together and with a weekend off.

Having said that I also have friends who's kids spend lots of time with grandparents for sleepovers or in school holidays which our kids never do, so they also get tome alone, sometimes for a week at a time. This is something we don't get for different reasons and it's pretty relentless.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't meant to be goady.

Actually, it's very difficult, and my DD was a teen when Ex and I separated, so we were past the difficult baby/toddler/small child stage. She was old enough to make her own way to and from school at that point, so I didn't have to consider dropping her off at childcare or school, and picking her up again. I only have one child so I appreciate that's considerably easier than two, three or four children.

But it's still really difficult. There are financial considerations. Ex seems to be very rare in that he pays a decent amount of child maintenance. But my mortgage and all of my bills have to come out of one salary. I am paying a lump sum to Ex, in exchange for him transferring his share of our home to me. So I also have loan repayments to make each month. Right now, I'm also saving for university fees (I'm in Ireland and student loans are less common here).

The separation was very tough on my DD. She has had to adjust to her parents living in separate homes and seeing them at separate times. Family times like Christmas/New Year's/Easter/her birthday are carved up into Mam time and Dad time. It's easy to say that you get one day of rest (without the children) at weekends, but what if that day is Christmas Day or Easter Sunday or your birthday?

DD's Dad has a new partner and the partner has DC of her own. So DD has had to adjust to a ready made family - one she didn't choose. She has the hassle of packing bags when going to her Dad's house and re-packing them to come home. There's the inconvenience and stress when she's missing something because she left it at her Dad's house (or vice versa).

I'm glad that my Ex chose to stay in DD's life and maintain his relationship with her. But DD is a lot closer to me and if she's upset or having meltdowns about something, she saves them for me. There were a few of those in the immediate aftermath of the separation and a few more further down the line (years later), as DD reached adulthood and started to process it all. Please don't under-estimate the emotional toll of separation and divorce on children. I have arranged and paid for counselling sessions for DD, to help with this. I've had a lot of stress and worry and guilt about the impact of the separation on DD - not just now, but how it will impact her in the future.

There are practical considerations too. Everything to do with the house and garden falls to me. All housework, all gardening, all maintenance, all purchasing decisions. If I have to get a workman in to do a job, I have to take the time off work to let them in and liaise with them. There's nobody to share any of this with.

Loneliness can be difficult to contend with. Loneliness in the sense of not having a partner/husband. And loneliness when DD is with her Dad. Sometimes it feels like the world is full of happy families. I could, of course, consider dating. But what impact would that have on DD? How would she feel if I moved another man into her home?

My exh didn't co parent, he had them for 6 hours a week and often left them with his parents so he could continue his party lifestyle.

As someone who is separated I actually find this a bit offensive.

my son goes to Saturday one week and the next week Saturday- Sunday. He spends half of Christmas Day with his dad and I hate it.

i don't want my son to miss out on days out, time with his sisters, so have to wave him off on Christmas Day.

we don't have the best of both worlds, it's pretty shit actually

I could have written your post except I have two kids who were young teens when we split & their Dad's new gf doesn't have kids.

We have worked hard to be amicable and it is bloody hard to do, especially with a man who behaved a lot like your DH, OP, but who became the clichéd Disney Dad when he only had to show up occasionally.

Despite us being amicable, my kids have struggled with it and still do.
Never under estimate what it is like for kids.

I remember feeling this way when my first DC was little. I had him very young and made good friends with another really young mum. She was a single parent and her ex had their lg something like every other weekend Friday morning- Sunday night plus Wednesday night every week. My partner worked constantly and I was always on my own. I was jealous that she still got to enjoy lay-ins, trips out to places, nights out with friends or just general recharge and relaxation during her ‘off’ time.

That said now my kids are older I can’t imagine having to navigate pre-teens/teens as a single mum. Or just being a single parent in general, my perspective has shifted a lot.

I hear your frustration OP and have often wondered the same thing. The every other weekend arrangement would be lovely wouldn't it! And a child free summer holiday maybe. But people forget to mention you would be dealing with the fallout from a separation in terms of the children. It can be devastating for them and that can lead to difficult behaviours. So while you have a break from the kids, the time you have with them can be significantly worse. I find MN downplays the emotional impact of separation. Yes of course it is the right thing sometimes when it's a lesser of two evils scenario.

Book a few days for yourself, a weekend away somewhere and let DH struggle alone. Maybe point out that he would be doing that alone a lot more if you separated and the best way to prevent that is by doing a bit more now. Outsource, start hiring a cleaner or send laundry out even if you can't afford it. Explain that it's become priority because you are doing too much. He needs to step up but I think words aren't enough, you need to show him in other ways how it's become an issue that isn't going to go away.

I know you say he won't listen, but you need to explain to your husband how close you are to pulling the plug.

If he would commit to even one morning of childcare a weekend (taking the kids outside the house!) and this is enough to keep your family together, then this sounds like the best solution for everyone (unless of course there's a massive drip feed here, and he's a total dickhead in many other ways!)

It might be better for the parents but it usually takes its toll on the kids being ferried backwards and forwards, particularly in a 50:50 split. I’m a huge advocate for nobody staying in an unhappy marriage but it is naive to think that the kids will not suffer because of this. Yes it’s lovely to have a weekend off or even half the week off but what does that look like for the children? Also as kids get older they need less of your time so you’d naturally get it back anyway.

I agree with you there, MN definitely down plays the impact of separation.

Op I think you need to collect your thoughts again- this just all seems odd and insulting to so many people!!

I remember being desperate for a break like that, but I also know that the reality would have been that I would have hated it.

You are a bit infuriating to be honest.
I'm off.

The thing is if you have the type of husband that would step up and properly parent if you separated, there's a strong chance he already is now or could be persuaded so you probably wouldn't be thinking thst way.

Financially there will be two households to pay for instead of one. And he may still not step up, either contact dropping off or him doing terrible job like feeding them junk, not washing thier clothes and not doing homework but they then see him as amazing as he only does fun stuff. Plus awkward christmas and birthdays
However you might still be happier seperated but not easier.

I mean, when you’re still in love with your partner and the relationship didn’t work out and you’re heartbroken (and this didn’t happen to me because I was done) but no … I don’t think you’re having the best of both worlds because your relationship with the person you love has broken down. Then you have to cope with them meeting someone else, your children spending time with them with the someone else, the not seeing your children for special occasions or missing out our on things because it’s not your allocated time, not being able to do everything you’d like with your children because it’s not doable on your own etc - Thera more to it than having time off.