To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

@HarraKiri that is kind of the point of the thread. I’d be happier, the children wouldn’t be.

I’m not using them as an excuse.

If I left DH, we would (the children and I) have to move to a less affluent, more run down part of town, ds wouldn’t be able to go to the primary school he’s going to next year, I’d have to work full time and they’d be in breakfast and after school clubs five days a week once at school and nursery full time. Longer term they wouldn’t have the stability I want for them. To be honest I’m not convinced children are essentially selfless beings happy to accept less if mum is happy!

Ah, you’re back.

Much as I don’t want to bite, what in the above for me isn’t good?

I don’t mind living somewhere less affluent, I’m not going to school, I don’t mind working full time, my ‘days off’ are far harder and more exhausting than my working days.

So what is it you’re poking at now?

Interesting take on things.

I’m very clear it’s not for my financial gain but the children’s. While I don’t earn huge amounts at the moment due to being part time, if I was to work full time my income would be around £50,000. Not exactly dizzy heights but adequate, especially as I had an inheritance young, bought a house outright with it and still have it, though if we were to divorce (we won’t) that would obviously be an asset. So I’m not penniless or in a position where I ‘need’ the money.

I think if you asked DH why he stays, why he married me in the first place, his answer would be ‘sex (not that there’s much of that) childcare and housework’ and I wonder if you’d be as sniffy about that and say ‘just admit you’re only with her because she looks after your children and cleans your house.’ Probably not.

I’ve plenty of self respect, but more than that, I’ve got pragmatism. I recognise that much as it would be lovely to be cherished for my beautiful looks and sparkling personality, the reality is that I am an ordinary woman, pleasant enough to look at but nothing remarkable, like hundreds of other women. I am nice enough to be around (well, I was, not sure about now!) passingly intelligent and good at cooking, childcare and housework.

Like hundreds if not thousands of other women. If DH hadn’t met and married me, he’d have met and married someone very similar to me, and I’d probably have met and married someone similar to him.

Marriage may be a romantic concept in modern times but it traditionally was a legal contract and it still is. Squawking at me to ‘have some self respect’ is faintly amusing if only because that’s exactly what marriage is, it’s literally a sexual and financial contract.

@Plastictrees you possibly missed my saying that I do think I am quite depressed at the moment. I can see things objectively if you like and recognise they won’t be like this forever but ‘long enough’ is my feeling.

I work Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Mondays and Tuesdays and Fridays I get up, get the children ready, teeth brushed, dressed, out of the door and to nursery. It’s always a rush but in many ways that’s the easy part, they are fed and cared for there. I then go onto work myself, it’s a frantic job with no breaks to speak of, finish work, back to collect children, home, they are tired, fretful, squabbly, clingy, whiny. Bath time and out of bath, pyjamas, teeth, stories, a thousand squabbles, finally in bed around half seven, and down I come to the carnage that is my house, I also have work to do myself in that time, collapse exhausted into bed, then the night shift starts.

And then it starts again.

I gave a hit of help on Friday, usually, and I know I should not call it help, but I don’t know what else to say. DH usually works from home. Wednesdays and Thursdays should be theoretically a break and yes it’s nice not having to charge out of the house, we do groups and little activities they enjoy and I’m not a monster, of course I enjoy seeing them having fun and they are adorable and loving and loved. But it’s relentless. They take toys off each other, scream, slap one another, tell tales ‘DD pushed me … DD hit me …’ it goes quiet and I find them both immersed in the cupboard under the stairs trashing it or they are in a bedroom being adorable listening to the tonie box and I’m thinking how sweet then someone cries or wails or there is a thud of doom. Even if I start something I can’t finish it. I have absolutely no time for me. I do get that I wouldn’t have much but no time to read, be still and calm, breathe, none.

I’d probably be OK with that but I’m so tired and I think that’s why I’m a bit depressed. She slept through a few times last week after some sleep training (only gentle before anyone annihilates me) and I thought I’d cracked it but she’s waking up again, I’m not sure what to do really. Most nights I only get 4-5 hours and it’s broken. I look grey and washed out, circles under my eyes, I’m snappy and emotional and quick to be offended and upset which is a complete antithesis of the person I was before. I was always chilled, laid back, shrug it off. But the years of bad sleep have taken their toll.

so this is partly depression talking. I know, objectively, soon I’ll have two school age children, I’ll have time, I’ll have a bit more peace, I’ll have an easier time of things, nappies, pushchairs, high chairs and sippy cups will be gone, never to return, my head knows this. My heart - not so much.

@Colourfulduvets I honestly think you really have completely misunderstood what the threads about. It isn’t me looking for the nirvana of being a separated parent at all. You seem convinced I’m debating the pros and cons of me leaving, despite me saying over and over that I am not. And then when I point this out to you, you become personally insulting. It is tedious to be honest, really it is. I did a wee search - twelve posts, all of them poking at me, complaining at me, insulting me. Give it a rest

We only have two children, @ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat . Although it does sometimes feel like more!