To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

You’ve got a DH problem here OP. I’m sure I would feel the same in your shoes.

He needs to shape up or ship out!

I know someone trying to coparent with a coercive controlling ex and she would give anything to do it all by herself.
YABU

OP if you’re going to look at other set-ups and feel envious, why not direct your envy at the obvious one - the situations in which parents are together and share the load equally?

I don't understand the point of your post, then?
So you think it would be better for you but not your kids so you won't do it.
Fine.
What are you wanting people to tell you?

Can you book a babysitter once a fortnight?

can you book some days off work during the week when kids at childcare?

can you leave kids with family and go away for weekend?

it might be worth a try before divorce (and a bit easier?!)

Taking finances out, I think amicably separated/divorced parents seem to do well with child raising if both are on the same page about it.
A friend had 50/50 with her husband and they got on very well and the children coped with living between two homes because both were near their school.
But if not amicable or financially unequal often children mean you must still communicate and they can get caught in the middle. Holidays can be fraught.

I’m a single parent and I agree with you.

The kids dad was a bit of a shit parent before we split, and is a bit of a shit parent now. But he does have them 4 nights a month, so I get more time than I used to. And I feel happier and less resentful.

But, I’m very very lucky that I’m secure financially so I can afford a cleaner, am not living up to the wire every month etc - maintenance isn’t fit for purpose in the uk and so many single parents really struggle.

There are some bits which are harder- it’s more stressful without a second adult in the house plus no way to nip out in the evening so you have to be more organised which I do feel saps some of the fun.

What would happen if you just went away one weekend a month? With the offer that he could do the same?

Having been through this and now with almost adult children, I would say definitely try to find a way to spread the load with your other half.
Parenting changes so much as your children grow up and, although it may not feel like it now, it goes by very quickly.

As they become more independent you will get your life back and your relationship with your DH will also change.
Only split if you feel you & he don't love each other anymore & there is no way back for you because where you are now in the child rearing trenches doesn't last forever but a marriage split will.

100% this

Are you serious? Financially I have to work to pay for everything, I get £300 a month in maintenance which is a lot more than some single parents get but it doesn’t even cover wraparound care each month. There is no one to talk to, no one to ask or check that you’re doing the right thing. My DD goes to her dad’s once a month from 17:00 on a Friday to 13:30 on a Sunday. I spend this time frantically trying to keep on top of everything in the house.
Your view is warped. All you’re seeing is someone supposedly getting a break once in a while when the reality is they’ll be significantly more at breaking point than you due to to the huge mental load they carry for everything.
Why don’t you split up with your husband then get back to us about how you’re managing financially and how easy it is when you get the odd weekend to yourself.

This!!

Just walk out. Tomorrow morning, just walk out. Message your partner that you need some time and space and you won't be answering calls and he should only message you in case of an emergency. Tell him when you'll be back so he can reassure the kids.

He's a parent too. You don't need his permission to have a break, although most couples do run things by each other because it's courteous and considerate to do so. But that goes out the window if one partner is obviously content with an unequal and oppressive status quo in their favour.

I get what you’re saying, in an ideal world you’d stay together and you’d still get a break from the kids when you need it but your DH isn’t stepping up despite being asked so you’re thinking if we split he’d have to take the kids and I would get that alone time. Your DH has caused this level of desperation & I think you should be really honest that you’re at this point.

I think you're probably right but I must admit this point of view upsets me.

It's essentially saying that things will get better eventually and everything will be water under the bridge so no need to hold men to account for their shitty self-serving behaviour when life was tough.

Actually, they should be held to account. Inadequate men who haven't pulled their weight should be put in the stocks and pelted with with mud pies as a warning to the others.

My parents split when I was a toddler... my mam did everything alone. It was just me and her. My father had visitation etc... but never showed up.

As someone with a husband I do far less than my mam had to handle alone which is frankly a godsend because I don't think I could hold it all together the way my mam did. She was the epitome of a strong independent never ask for help or complain woman and I would probably fall way short of what she did.

I'm not saying that at all!
I think the OP needs to speak to her DH and expect him to shape up and do more.
If he doesn't that will no doubt affect how she feels about him, it will affect their relationship and a split might be the right thing

I'm just saying that a split is huge and horrible and upsetting for kids, so it needs to be thought through carefully & it's worth trying to change things first.

I guess in some cases that could be true, But I have to say a lot of kids don't come out a divorce or separation very well. Do you think your kids are mature? In any case a lot of kids really suffer when their parents split, although of course where there is abuse it's something that you've definitely got to escape.

If the ex is a semi decent guy and maintains the relationship with his kids, in theory yes. Sadly a majority of men simply don't and refuse to pay the correct maintenance, which is why so many single parent families live in poverty.

I'm obviously not debating hether it's better for parents who don't love each other to separate BTW, it certainly is, both for the kids and the adults. However it often doesn't split fairly.

I suppose it also would depend how you felt about him maybe getting a new partner and leaving childcare to her. Or gradually doing less and less.

It seems to happen a lot.

I do actually know how you feel as I have occasionally had this thought about single parent friends, but there are so many other downsides for them like the financial responsibility and the new partners; clothes and possessions going forwards and back/not being returned and seems pretty rare for dads (separated or not) to bother with uniform, shoes, school comms, doctor, dentist, optician, birthdays, parties etc etc.

And don't get me started on SEN admin. Hopefully irrelevant to you.

I know someone who split up with her boyfriend as she realised that she loved her child free time and didn’t want to give it up ( he had his kids full time; she has hers 50:50.) A mutual friend found it baffling as she found it intolerable when her own son went to his dads for EOW. We are all different.