To ask DH to continue to work

This 100%

At the weekends, he is up at 5am and goes for a walk for 3 hours. Every Saturday and Sunday. That is what he wants to do: sell up and buy a small farm or work in a zoo or just spend all day walking and pottering around.

Do you not hear yourself @WittyPanda‽
You seem very disappointed in your DH whilst here's over there ready to have an actual breakdown!

Reading this thread I thought to myself "I bet if the OP comes back to upate she won't acknowledge any of the many, many comments re: burnout but just latch on to one or two about how she can get her way" and she didn't disappoint.

This boils down to a husband earning a large income whist a wife just potters around and loves life, and it sounds like he's sick of it. You are being very unreasonable not to consider his mental wellbeing here, he is telling you he is not happy with the current situation and tbh it's time for you to either reduce your standard of living (which is what he is requesting) or step up and earn what he does (which you say you can't), or some blend of the two.

Alternately you could divorce him now whilst the going is good financially but literally no-one would think well of you for that and you'd have to live with your conscience.

You sound miffed that it's a turnaround from the way things have always been but that's just tough really, it's how it is - we all have to work with a changing reality sometimes and it's best to accept it with good grace.

Find a compromise and show willing if you want to save your marriage.

Aye. You never know what life will throw at you.

A relative had an older partner who was a SAHD. He was very fit and seemed younger than his age. He'd retired early and had a decent pension. She had very good savings and had paid off the house. Their child expressed upset over her being away for work so much. They were based abroad; their house was being rented out while they were away (for some years).

They agreed that she would quit her job and they'd return to England where she'd have two years out of work. (She was in her 40s at the time.)

A fortnight before they were due to fly home, her partner died of a heart attack.

Maybe YOU should marry her.

I think you’re being incredibly unfair.

my husband has an incredible job and like you I don’t work and we have zero money worries. We have a tech company that I do secretary type work but don’t get paid as such I just obviously live my DH etc

however I have always always said to him that im more than happy to downsize. Get smaller house and move if he wants out of his job.

I want my DH to be happy and I love him. I’ve lived without money and food at one point but I wouldn’t hesitate to get rid of all that and work full time to let him live too

its called love?

I personally think you’re being pretty disgusting not even thinking about this.

He might. In the case that I've mentioned upthread, the couple hadn't sorted this out, because they "didn't expect anything to happen".

@Yuuu9 couldn’t agree more. On another thread I was made to feel guilty for working until 7pm and having a nanny help with my children. What’s the alternative though: to rely on DH to fund my lovely house shopping trips..

It doesn't sound reasonable of you to expect DH to keep on walking so hard to support a lifestyle he doesn't want. Nor is it reasonable of him to expect you to move somewhere you don't want to live.
Somehow you need to keep talking about what you both want out of life and see if you can find a compromise. There may be one if you start off speaking generally rather than specifically - eg 'I want more leisure time and to spend it in fresh air and peace and greenery,' rather than 'I want to move to a medieval cottage in a small Devon village'; 'I want to go to theatre and see an exhibition at least once a month' rather than 'I want to live right in an expensive part of London'.
If you can't find a compromise you may have to consider splitting up, so it is worth some careful thought.

Why do you think the kids wouldn’t get as good a quality schooling outside of London? There are far better schools outside of London.

Agreed. Just in these last few weeks we’ve had multiple family members almost fall down dead and cancer diagnoses are coming out of our esrs

from all these incredibly healthy people.

Very odd that someone could have so little self awareness. The words entitled and selfish don’t even touch the sides here.

IMHO YABU to expect your DH to remain in his current job if he doesn’t like it.

If he’s fed up with life, you should be concerned. Men can struggle to admit they’re getting burned out or unhappy. He’s clearly trying to tell you he is. He may even be struggling with his mental health. We often hanker after the simple life when we’re under huge pressure.

But you don’t necessarily have to sell your home and move to a different place. Could a compromise not be struck? If you haven’t already, I suggest you tot up all your current spending (mortgage and household bills, school fees etc), work out if there’s anything you can cut back on and then end up with a total.

That’s the amount you need to earn between you after tax etc. If your children are both at school, and you’re fit and able, it’s only fair you aim to earn half each. If you can’t earn half yourself, then you’ll have to look how you can further cut down on non-essential spending your DH isn’t so bothered about.

This could well mean your DH could work in the same job on a part-time basis, giving him time to garden (including in your own garden or better still at a community garden project or community farm), walk and potter about. Or, he may be able to move to a job he enjoys more and gives him a better work/life balance.

If you move as he wishes, then you may be very disappointed, lonely and miss London terribly. I met a woman on a train who did exactly this and she also didn't drive, so she was very isolated in the countryside.

And if you don't move then he may be very disappointed and upset. His 3-hr walks sound as if he's anxious to be outside a lot.

There is a compromise here. Perhaps it's a weekend house in the home counties or by the sea. Perhaps it's a big house with a pied-a-terre in London.
I think you both need to discuss what you want from your lives together and find a way so you're both happy. Otherwise this could end in divorce as your individual wants are currently poles apart.

if he’s not self employed
then he will get at least 4x annual salary inc as a benefit

Wow so you want your DH to burn out and likely have health issues related to that at some point just so you can swan about the V&A and be a lady that brunches

I have seen some selfish posts on here but this one takes the biscuit. The lifestyle you have enjoyed is because your husband provides it and you want him to continue doing it even though he has had enough. Get a grip or get a better job

Your DH needs a break and less stress. You at the least need to compromise.

If you want to continue to live in London, do you need to pay school fees? Why not state school or a grammar if they are in your area? The money saved could mean he could get a less stressful job.

Or, how about moving out of London but close enough in so you can go to exhibits, etc.?

Or, you can be supportive and muck in with country life, let your DH relax and spend more time with him. Make some new friends. He can spend more time with his kids too which is all to the good. Personally, I enjoy living in the country, spend a serious amount of time gardening, taking walks, cooking, seeing friends here, and enjoying the slower pace of life. I’ve never been more healthy and have slept more soundly. That said, I also like fine arts, etc, and go about every six weeks to London to say with friends to see an exhibit and enjoy city life for a day or two.

Personally, I’d rather have my DH have a less stressful job and be healthy so we can enjoy our retirement together. I took a buy out recently to retire, and he is retiring in a year or so. Life is short, and you never know what is down the line.

Your behaviour also is a model to your children. Materialism and the high life is not everything. Being in nature, taking things slower, taking enjoyment from small things is IMHO what life is all about.

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

It was a mistake to become reliant on a man to fund a high-end lifestyle for you and the kids. Anything could happen.

I don't think retiring to the countryside is a great idea with kids heading toward teenage years, but downsizing and finding a less stressful job for him is not a big ask.

Are you sure he is "out walking" on weekend mornings?? I had an aunt who thought her husband faithfully went to the gym every weekend morning and some evenings, coming home freshly dressed and showered. When he had emergency surgery she looked in his wallet for some money and found photos of an entire second family.

What about what your kids want?

“I know it sounds selfish but I nor the children want to mov.”

it sounds selfish because it is selfish I’m afraid. You’ve had a lovely life because he’s earned a lot of money but he doesn’t want to do it anymore. If you care about him at all you have to accept that and pursue a life that you can both enjoy, not just you.

I agree with you.

However I know a few men like Ops husband who on the other side of the fence are experiencing their relationships falling apart and close to divorce.

a few of the wives have started some form
of employment in anticipation and it’s preposterous- some MLM travel agency, some going back to roles like nursing, or trying to start up their own city roles from years ago, but with little luck after 10 years out

its an eye opener that they’ve somehow lost track of how much their life costs and that their husband earns like £400k a year and their £300 a month isn’t going anywhere

You need to sit down together and come up with a long term plan. Your DH isn’t happy with the current situation, but equally, he needs to consider the whole family’s needs.

Retiring in your 40’s is very early, especially if your children are still at school and you have a lot of expenses such as school fees. Personally, I think it’s too risky, he could easily live for another 40 years and start running out of money.

Sit down together and come up with a plan. You may need to improve your earnings and he may need to stick it out for slightly longer. Perhaps one or both of you could retrain to do a more flexible, more easily transferable job?

Ny DH (52) would also like to retire and move to a more rural location. We’ve decided to wait until our children have finished university (youngest is 16) and then make the move. But we’re already planning and preparing for it.

Then you don't get to live an expensive lifestyle. Tough shit.

Can he cut his hours? A sabbatical?Honestly it sounds like he’s on the edge of burnout. I would be very careful you don’t end up in a much worse position if you don’t listen carefully to what he’s saying. To be blunt your husband is the one who is funding this lovely stuff (not criticising that). This is your dream but he’s the one who has to do the work to maintain it, I’m not sure thats fair on him.

I do understand, I would be disappointed and worried but your DH’s wellbeing is also a priority. I would be really worried about DH if he wanted a completely different life to the one we have. This can’t have come completely put of the blue, he must have been feeling the strain for a long while.