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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married neighbour wanting me

137 replies

Namechanged000000 · 27/05/2024 22:19

I know both women and men cheat, but in my situation I've got a married man wanting me (single female)

He's one of my direct neighbours, he's married, no kids. 40s.

I've very clearly said no to him, that it would be unfair on his wife. I said if he was single yes. But he's not. And I made it very clear to him.

I get along with him as a neighbour, there's a few of us who all chat and have a laugh. I get on with his wife but I don't see her out and about as often as him. Me and him have never been alone other than if we bump into each other outside the houses. I've never flirted. I wouldn't say they were close friends but we get on as neighbours all of us. We're different families, some single some married, married with/without kids, some have kids that moved out etc. We've got quite a variety to set to scene.

My question is, why do married men look else where? He has a sex life with her. So why did he want me? They've been together two decades so surely this isn't the first time he's looked else where. Do they do it for control given I'm his neighbour? He's bored? I really don't understand it. If he's not happy I don't get why he doesn't just leave.

I just want to clarify again I will not be pursuing with it. And even if he did become single I wouldnt be with him as I couldnt trust him.

I'm so disappointed. He seemed like such a lovely guy and I've seen this whole other side of him with this. I look at him differently from how I used to. I'm shocked.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechanged000000 · 27/05/2024 22:19

I've also name changed for this too.

OP posts:

Faduckssake · 27/05/2024 22:21

Because he's an arsehole.

QueefofSheena · 27/05/2024 22:23

It’s less about you than it is about him and the thrill he’s getting from the chase. He’s a chancer who thinks you are easy prey for some reason.

Fiery30 · 27/05/2024 22:25

People cheat for a variety of different reasons. It's not always a simple answer and I am not justifying it. Separation might not be a solution if they have interlinked finances and shared history. You can't be sure that he is having sex with her or that they are happy with each other. There's no way to know if he has done it throughout his marriage. I had a friend whose wife was increasingly abusive towards him but he couldn't just separate because of finances, house etc.

TimoteiChaletpants · 27/05/2024 22:25

Because he wants excitement of someone to pursue and shag, whilst still keeping the rest of his life intact.
A straight no would be the best answer. ‘If you were single’ just encourages him. Next he’ll be telling you they are in a relationship in name only, will be splitting up soon. Blah

which will all be a lie

Original poster

Namechanged000000 · 27/05/2024 22:32

Fiery30 · 27/05/2024 22:25

Edited

I do think he is abusive in ways given the last time I saw him in person, there was a few of us and he was smoking a cig, he offered me it, I said no cos I don't smoke, he went "oh go on Name change one won't hurt" another person saw him say it and said "no don't encourage name change" almost like he won't take no for answer. There's a few other red flags I've noticed now but that was the first one.

OP posts:

QueefofSheena · 27/05/2024 22:37

You seem to be giving him way too much headspace. It may be flattering but he seriously needs a swerve.

Tel12 · 27/05/2024 22:40

But you told him you'd be interested if he was single? That lets him know that you find him attractive. Keeps hope alive. Sounds like flirting.

Allfur · 27/05/2024 22:42

Shut him down

Everythingiscalmfornow · 27/05/2024 22:42

Telling him you would have a relationship with him if he was single seems like you are leading him on and encouraging him.

Original poster

Namechanged000000 · 27/05/2024 22:45

Everythingiscalmfornow · 27/05/2024 22:42

Telling him you would have a relationship with him if he was single seems like you are leading him on and encouraging him.

I told him this after he said he wanted to be with me. I said "if you were single yes but you're married so no"

OP posts:

Everythingiscalmfornow · 27/05/2024 22:46

Namechanged000000 · 27/05/2024 22:45

I told him this after he said he wanted to be with me. I said "if you were single yes but you're married so no"

Show quote history

Well yes. That is telling him you are interested in him.

Pussycat22 · 27/05/2024 22:47

Cake and eat it !!!!

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 27/05/2024 22:51

It's not that complicated. People of both sexes (some not all) get bored in long term relationships/ marriages... familiarity/ routine/ conformity/ kids/ drudge/ financial burdens. The excitement goes. Their sex is quite likely quite routine too.

There's your answer.

SlashBeef · 27/05/2024 22:52

🙄

LocalHobo · 27/05/2024 22:54

You have given him oxygen to imagine he stands a chance of a shag.
I'm not sure why you did not tell him to piss off when he first said he wanted to be with me That would have been a clear message.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/05/2024 22:56

Time for you to respond in an impactful way, "What an odd thing to say/do...is your wife interested in that". Creep.

SwordToFlamethrower · 27/05/2024 22:58

You've said yes, if he were single?

That is where you've gone wrong, you've given him hope. He didn't hear your no, he heard your yes.

Tell his wife she is married to a bastard

CountryMumof4 · 27/05/2024 22:59

He sounds like a real peach. I think telling him you would if he were single was a bad idea though - that's just encouraging him and letting him know you find him attractive. Keep your distance for the time being - he'll lose interest soon enough.

Arlanymor · 27/05/2024 22:59

Namechanged000000 · 27/05/2024 22:45

I told him this after he said he wanted to be with me. I said "if you were single yes but you're married so no"

Show quote history

You should have just said: "No, you're married" and left out the other part because it's making him think that the door isn't entirely closed...

Overtheatlantic · 27/05/2024 23:02

Honestly he sounds like a keeper!

Pinkfurby · 27/05/2024 23:04

He doesn't want you particularly. He just wants some no strings sex and you are conveniently placed and look available. He wouldn't even need to drive or take an Uber! I wouldnt find that remotely flattering. Just threaten to tell his wife unless he drops it. Why on earth you told him you'd be interested if he was single is beyond me though. He now know you are attracted and he thinks he's in with a chance. Honestly these men are like Labradors on the trail of food. I can't see why you'd find this sleazy man attractive either. Goodness know what STIs he could have picked up.

Original poster

Namechanged000000 · 27/05/2024 23:04

My question in this post is why do married men look else where. That is why I posted. I didn't show any interest in him. I told him I wasn't interested because he is married.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechanged000000 · 27/05/2024 23:05

Arlanymor · 27/05/2024 22:59

You should have just said: "No, you're married" and left out the other part because it's making him think that the door isn't entirely closed...

Show quote history

I've told him the door is closed and that I'm not remotely interested at all.

OP posts:

TwattyMcFuckFace · 27/05/2024 23:07

I've very clearly said no to him, that it would be unfair on his wife. I said if he was single yes. But he's not. And I made it very clear to him.

He would've got one word from me - NO.

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