My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

[Andy1234567]

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.
Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

[Penfold007]

Why is your ex-wife being invited to the wedding, surely you should be taking your three children along with your partner? Your ex has put your DB and future SIL in a very difficult position but they should still invite your partner, if your ex then declines the invitation so be it.

[Branleuse]

your ex wife shouldnt be there. Inappropriate

[Cocolepew]

I don't think they should have invited your ex wife.

[ImperialBlether]

The thing is that when someone gets married and is welcomed into the family it's very harsh to say she/he can't come to any future events.

If your ex is still friends with your brother and his fiancée then I can see why they want her there, but surely it has to be on the understanding that everyone's happy with it. If your girlfriend doesn't mind your ex being there then surely both can be there?

[regenerationfez]

It's not the girlfriend that's the problem. It's the ex wife. I think your brother should tell her that your partner is invited. It's up to your ex wife to decide to go out not on that basis . But he's not my brother, so its easy for me to say!

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I'm with you. Terrible of your brother.

If I were your DP , Iwould want your support too.

She's your future. Your ex, although the mother of your dc, is not.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I would also suspect that your DP's relationship with your brother will be tainted by this. Understandably.

[honeysucklejasmine]

Wow. YADNBU to want your partner there.

Is ex invited in her own right or simply because your kids are involved in the ceremony?

[ZiggyFartdust]

The bride and the ex wife have been unreasonable. But dont fall out with your brother over his wedding, this is how stupid family feuds start. Your partner is right.

[neolara]

Blimey. I've got to say in your place I'm pretty sure I would say that while its entirely their choice not to invite my dp, unfortunately I wouldn't then be able to attend, and neither would my kids.

It's making a pretty public statement about where your dp stands in the hierarchy. Other guests and family will notice and it will impact on their relationship with your dp. It's just not nice. Your ex has behaved really badly imo.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Has your ex even been invited? Sounds like she wants to see her kids all cutely dressed up. Send a picture.

[Cookingongas]

Despicable behaviour on the exs part! I don't think that your brother should have put you in this position. He should have invited your ex, but , as with all wedding invites, the invitation should be on his and btb terms. Not for guests to put in their oars and orders on the overall guest list.

If it were me I would not go. Your db has basically said that he would rather be amicable and keep relations good with your ex than with your current partner. The exs feelings come before yours and your partners. So disrespectful. I'm sorry that your in such a difficult position.

[MsHighwater]

A couple should invite whom they choose to their wedding. Those invited may choose only whether to go or not. Your ex has no right to dictate who else can be invited. I'd feel very let down by your brother, in your shoes, and would probably decline to attend.

[SenecaFalls]

I seriously doubt that I would be able to participate in the wedding if I were in your shoes, OP. I hope you will be able to discuss with your brother and his bride so that they can see reason in this circumstance.

[Andy1234567]

Thanks for the advice and opinions. We wouldn't care who was there. It's their day but it's so difficult now as they have made a decision that makes us feel uncomfortable being with my brother and SIL in future. It is such a shame. I haven't told him yet as I know he doesn't even think I won't go. But I know I can't be there as a hypocrite. I have just told my ex that I don't intend to go without my partner and she said "that's your decision". I've arranged to meet my brother on Tuesday and I'll wish him all the best, its not right we fall out.

[Lindy2]

I think you need to talk to your brother. Your ex wife should not have this level of influence over what is actually your family.
If she keeps your new partner away for the wedding I'm sure she'll plan the same for other events in the future.
Yes , she is the mother of your children but this is your brother's wedding. Your family, not hers.

[nannyplumlikesitupthe]

I'm sure ur partner will feel really proud if u for taking a stand also weather she says it ir not.

[coffeeisnectar]

I would go to the actual wedding and take your partner. Then you both, and the children go home without going to the reception.

[SenecaFalls]

I think it's an important point that you are not asking your brother to exclude your ex. Our family is a mixture of exes, formers, and currents. We invite them all to family gatherings and they just have to deal with it. If anyone wants to avoid someone who may be there, they are free to decline.

[Lindy2]

How old are the children and how do they feel about their mother stopping your partner going?

[Donthate]

It's a tough one. Try speaking to your brother first before saying you won't go.

[228agreenend]

I think you need to,talk to your brother, explain how your ex is being melodramatic, and regularly sees the children and your current partner in an amicable situation.

[PreAdvent13610]

You need to set some boundaries with your Ex, just dropping in when you have the kids is not ok. Dictating family gatherings on your side of the family is not ok.
Eventually it will be the DC who suffer as they learn that everyone must keep mummy happy. Mummy needs to learn to act like a grown up.

[Valentine2]

I think you should tell your brother that you are not happy with this and will not be attending. If she can come to your house and attend the sporting event, it's not very nice of her to really put you in this situation specially as your DCs are involved so much too. Could there be more to it? Is she friends with your brother's dtb? Is that an unintentional snub ?

[cocodidit1]

Why on earth is she even invited?
I wouldn't go without my partner and coming from someone who was not invited to a wedding and whose partner went anyway; its always there in the back of my mind!

Dont do it, its just ammo for future rows, and relationships are hard enough without sh$t like this