15 months in, not met the dc, should I be glad or sad..

[Allypallya]

Dp and I have been seeing each other for 15 month's now.
We're both divorced . Me with older teens, him with 2 primary school age.
He has them 5050.
He doesn't want to marry or blend families as he's had a hard time with the divorce and feels too wounded.
We see each other a lot, pretty much his free 50 percent and stay over 3 to 4 nights a week.
He hasn't introduced me to the dc or told his exw about me and I'm starting to feel off about it.
He's met my dc twice casually and they text each other funny things
I don't know whether to continue to take it slow and see what happens or realise I will always be a secret.
Should I just count my blessings? Sometimes it feels like I have the best of both worlds as I can just go home to my kids and have a breather but be with him having cuddles, I love yous, cooking lovely food etc.
Should alarm bells be ringing?

[jessstan2]

He is just being cautious, understandable with young children. Yours are older but still he has only met them a couple of times so hardly has a relationship with them.

I daresay you will cross paths with the children at some stage if you continue the relationship but if you enjoy things as they are, why worry?

I presume you go to his house when the children are not there so you know his marriage is over.

It's nice for two people to have what you have without children complicating matters. It is your private business so cherish the time you have together.

[Allypallya]

Yes, I go and stay at his when the dc are with their mum. I have a little drawer to put things in
I suppose its just every phonecall or text from her makes me feel jealous and it irritates me she doesn't know I exist.
I've heard their calls, they are only about the dc and he is curt but polite to her.
She texts him a lot and emails him a lot. Again, its about the dc but it irks me.
For context I have no contact with my ex at all, neither do my dc so perhaps I just don't understand co parenting.

[KylieKoKo]

I think it depends what you want from the relationship. If he's still not sure enough to introduce you to his children after so long he is not all-in. This may or may not be a bad thing for you depending on what stage you are at with him and what you want going forward.

I would not have been happy if I hadn't met DP's children after such a long time because I wanted a partnership and it would not have been one if such a large part of his life was compartmentalised from me. However, if this isn't the case for you and you're happy then enjoy what you have.

[Allypallya]

Yes that's the thing.
He refers to us as a couple and a team but how are we when our lives are so separate?

[dontdisturbmenow]

How do you see the future? You say he's made up his mind and doesn't want to blend families, so it's that or nothing. Can you live happily like that?

Would it be fine as long as his ex knew about you? If so, why does it make a difference? What about his family, do they know about you?

[sassbott]

Have you met his friends / family? I can understand the ring fencing from the children (long story). But what about adults in his life?

Re the co-parenting, they will have to text/ occasionally talk with shared care. Especially with primary school children.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

Allypallya, spend a few weeks searching through everything relevant on this forum. After reading about all the issues that come up with blending, you may decide that you are well enough blessed as you are

[chalktheblockwithglitterchalk]

If he says he doesn't want blended families I wouldn't ever expect him to introduce you to his children. I think you need to be 100% certain with what you want from a relationship with him.

[Allypallya]

His family know I exist yes, I've exchanged a few text messages with his sister. His friends and colleagues mostly know too. I've not met anyone because we've spent pretty much the first year of our relationship in lockdown so I suppose everything is slow because of that.

He says he hasn't told her because he doesn't think its her business until the children are involved.
Hmm typing it all out i think its me and my insecurities rather than him. Right ?

[Allypallya]

I'm jealous of their messaging. They co parent though so I guess I have to suck it up.
Does it get any easier ?

[Ethelfromnumber73]

Unless you think that meeting the children is going to magically solve the fact that you are jealous of the messages, then maybe this isn't for you? He's going to need to be in contact with the mother of his young kids for some years to come and the fact that he is being civil about this is a positive thing.

[AlexaShutUp]

He sounds like a good dad. He communicates with his ex about the children and he is cautious about introducing them to someone new. It sounds like he has been really upfront about not wanting to get married/blend families, and he is probably putting his kids first in this. That's all perfectly reasonable.

I wonder if the real problem is that you want more than he is willing to offer? If that's the case, I guess you will just have to decide whether you're happy to accept the status quo and having fairly separate lives for the foreseeable future, or whether you want to cut your losses and seek out a relationship with someone who wants to share a more integrated life. Neither of you are wrong for wanting what you want, but if your wants aren't compatible, then the relationship may not be sustainable.

[sassbott]

You’re jealous of their messaging? Why?
Can you isolate what underpins that?

[tisonlymeagain]

@SpaceshiptoMars

Allypallya, spend a few weeks searching through everything relevant on this forum. After reading about all the issues that come up with blending, you may decide that you are well enough blessed as you are

This. I'd love to go back to when DP and me were dating but I didn't meet his children, that period of time didn't last long enough IMO but he was keen to live together so I had to.

[Pebbledashery]

I think he has a right to introduce his children to you when he wants to. He's putting them first and coparenting as amicably as he can with his ex. Too many people don't bother to think of their kids first. I think it's just because you're not used to coparenting which is understandable. Don't force him to make him introduce the children to you because it won't magically change your insecurities.

[TeachesOfPeaches]

50/50 shared care requires a huge amount of communication about things like schedules, routines, schoolwork, family events etc. It's very different to bring the sole carer and decision maker

[alanrickmanspetcat]

It gets easier but you have to decide what you want

Savour your free time without small children, they are exhausting

[jessstan2]

@Allypallya

Yes, I go and stay at his when the dc are with their mum. I have a little drawer to put things in
I suppose its just every phonecall or text from her makes me feel jealous and it irritates me she doesn't know I exist.
I've heard their calls, they are only about the dc and he is curt but polite to her.
She texts him a lot and emails him a lot. Again, its about the dc but it irks me.
For context I have no contact with my ex at all, neither do my dc so perhaps I just don't understand co parenting.

That could be the reason but, honestly, being jealous of a phone call or text? You're not an eighteen year old.

I think what you have with this guy is fine for the time you have been keeping company with him. I imagine you are an important part of his life but he wants to keep it fairly private at the moment. I would be the same and don't quite 'get' why you don't.

If you are having a good time with him, why worry?

[Tiredoftattler]

I did not introduce my husband to my children nor did I meet his children until we had been dating for a year. Neither of us planned to remarry and we did not feel a need to bring or involve our children.

We both had good coparenting relationships with our exs and both sets of kids were happy and well adjusted. We did not feel that there was any need to involve them in a relationship that might or might not last and was filling no void in their lives.

We each had a 50/50 relationship that was timed on the same schedule, so we had time together and family time apart. Initially, neither of us was looking to form any kind of family relationship. We were looking for a mutually satisfying adult companionship. We shared common interests and enjoyed similar activities.

Neither had any concern or interest in how much or how often the other communicated with their ex. We both recognized that raising children was a time consuming and often complex process and require communication and flexibility.

The relationship evolved into one a very caring relationship and we decided to get married. Only then did we meet each other's children and even then we met each other's ex's before meeting the children.

He is a great man, but prior to our considering marriage there was no need to involve our minor children in our love life. It would not have been harmful to do so, but we both agreed that we each had a good and stable situation for our children and we were not willing to risk that for an arbitrary arrangement that would add no value to our children's lives.

As for communication with the exe, neither of us is concerned about the quantity or quality of those interactions. As long as all of the kids are doing well, we just assume that we must be doing the right things in a way that is producing the outcomes that we are wanting to achieve.

If your relationship is emotionally and physically satisfying how would it be enhanced by your meeting his children? He has been very upfront about his intentions. Perhaps, you need or want more than he is expressly willing to give, in which case you have to decide if the positives are out weighed by your not meeting his children.

It seems that at the moment, he is adding value to your life while not disrupting his relationship with his children, but maybe you see your life as somehow being diminished because you have not met his children.

If this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to let him know how you feel. It seems as though he has been very honest with you about that
particular subject.

Frankly, if marriage is not a part of the equation and you spend quality time together, what exactly are you missing?

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

I think he’s right to leave the children out of his dating life.

I’m not sure I’d want to leave my own children for half the week to go dating so especially as you say teens not adult children. I’d be more worried about that than his ex knowing about him dating again.

[jessstan2]

I think there is a lot to be said for having a very private life. You can create your own little world between you and not be bored with each other.

[Allypallya]

My dc are 18 and 19. They are fine without me in the house.

[shutterteal]

Sounds like you have the very best of both worlds.
Don't complicate it.

[Moirarose2021]

I didn't meet dp's dc until about 2 years in but I had met his siblings and parents, so I don't think you not meeting his is negative. Enjoy it, yours are mostly independent you don't need or want to go back to parenting young children!

[KylieKoKo]

I wonder how many of the posters saying that they don't understand why this feels weird for the op would actually be content if their partners had a whole other hugely important side of their lives that they were shut out from.

Op it's fine to feel the way you do. Remember, he has to do what's best for his children but that doesn't make you any less deserving of the type of relationship that you want.