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What on earth happened?

(755 Posts)
Newbie96 Mon 01-Mar-21 10:55:07

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Rainbowshine Mon 01-Mar-21 11:01:56

My take on it - He wanted to end it but make it seem to be your fault rather than cope with being the bad guy. Totally following “the script” men who are arseholes use. If you have a rummage through the relationships board you’ll recognise the behaviour from other threads. Also look up gaslighting. These are not the behaviours of men you want in your life.

WinterRobin Mon 01-Mar-21 11:02:25

That sounds very difficult for you. I don’t think it’s you at all. Does he have mental health issues or problems with drugs or alcohol? To be honest though, I wouldn’t have time for pandering to him.

Newbie96 Mon 01-Mar-21 11:05:31

Thank you both for your quick responses, WinterRobin, in all the years I have known him he has never declared such issues. We are pretty open with each other about literally everything and I confidently feel as though I would know if he had, as he talks to me about other stuff.
I genuinely have never seen that side to him, ever.

OP’s posts: |
InkyOctopus Mon 01-Mar-21 11:08:49

He is completely controlling you and your emotions here. No kind adult behaves like this. Please stop begging and cajoling. You did NOTHING wrong. You should be cross and blocking him. It’s over. Please don’t go back. He sounds just like one of my mad exes. (I bet he says he has psycho ex girlfriends, right?!)

mildlymiffed Mon 01-Mar-21 11:09:42

Sounds really scary for you, and if he hasn't given off the cues, then it feels really unfair on you emotionally.

Think seriously whether you want to be with a guy who can flip like this. I'd say no, because if you were, would you not be treading on eggshells? I'd say he's blown it with you. You're worth more than this sort of impetuous sulky behaviour. If the shit hits the fan, you want to be with someone who can actually communicate- not fly off the handle.

Him not you. Lucky escape I'd say. It'll hurt like hell though. Hugs to you x

VimFuego101 Mon 01-Mar-21 11:12:45

Rainbowshine

My take on it - He wanted to end it but make it seem to be your fault rather than cope with being the bad guy. Totally following “the script” men who are arseholes use. If you have a rummage through the relationships board you’ll recognise the behaviour from other threads. Also look up gaslighting. These are not the behaviours of men you want in your life.


This, 100%. You could have sat there with the biggest smile plastered on your face and showered him with love and gifts, and the outcome would still have been the same because that's what he'd planned before you even arrived at his house.

cantgetmyheadroundit Mon 01-Mar-21 11:14:31

This is where you put boundaries in. If you let him control all this now, it will set a precedent for the future. As difficult as it is - and I know confusion is one of the hardest emotions to manage - step back. Make it clear you won't put up with this behaviour.

KatherineJaneway Mon 01-Mar-21 11:14:57

I agree with Rainbow. He wanted to end it but couldn't be honest, so started acting out to create a situation so he can make like it is your fault so he doesn't feel guilty.

Sorry you are going through this flowers

Desmondo2016 Mon 01-Mar-21 11:16:09

That really is very odd.

Is it possible that he is under pressure from someone to end the relationship even though he doesn't want to. Could he be being held to ransom over something? Does he have children? Is there a discrepancy between you.. is he a millionaire and you're on benefits, or different religions. I'm thinking outside the box here. It sounds like Friday night was a pent up explosion and I'm just being mindful that the cause of it may have actually been entirely nothing to do with you but that he had been left with no option but to end the relationship. It does sound rather like the plot of a film, I know!

Aprilx Mon 01-Mar-21 11:16:33

Well my take on it is that this started off with you both sitting in silence for an hour. I have no idea why either of you do that, but as you both did and caveating that I was not there, I would have to say six of one and half a dozen of another.

As for the rest, well I think you should have dropped it a lot sooner than you did, not for his benefit, but only because you shouldn’t have to beg like that. I would say the ball is in his court at this point in terms of putting things right, if he wants to.

DoverSoul Mon 01-Mar-21 11:16:42

It's a shock the first time it happens, especially when they've been so loving before.

Be aware that he might try and reel you back in. Hopefully not, you are better to have no more contact with him at all. You will not get answers as to why he did that, he would just lie and you'd end up thinking it was your fault. It isn't.

I'm sorry you've gone through this flowers but if you stay away from him and move on with your life yourself it will save you no end of angst. Rainbowshine gives good advice.

agaone20 Mon 01-Mar-21 11:18:08

Hey.

What I'm thinking that he has done something and is feeling guilty and bad about it. you felt unwelcome at first so it wasn't you that started the argument. I don't know why are you apologizing for it. Try not to text him and see if you hear from him.

Good luck,
A x

Bluntness100 Mon 01-Mar-21 11:21:32

I also think he had decided to end it, but tried to make it your fault and an argument. He’s likely met someone else. I’m sorry.

It’s not your fault, you know this, and you can’t beg and pretend it was.

He’s ended it terribly cruely, and is an arsehole of the highest order.

Newbie96 Mon 01-Mar-21 11:22:25

Wow, thank you all!

Rainbowshine, I think your right but this is also very disappointing as I'm a very understanding person and he knows this, yes I would have been hurt that he ended it but at least I wouldn't have blamed myself how i am now.

Desmondo2016, I did try and understand his stance and if he has been dealing with anything but honestly no, he had had the day off work so had been at home chilling for the day and when we had spoken during the day he was in a good mood. Neither of us has children.

Aprilx, I completely agree, I really don't know why we both sat there silent during the tv show. I cant speak for him but for me I was just going over it in my head because i felt awkward. Which i guess made it so much worse.

OP’s posts: |
LaceyBetty Mon 01-Mar-21 11:23:11

Please stop apologizing to him and suggesting this is your fault. Even it you were "giving off bad energy", a normal person would try to figure out what is wrong - like you were doing with him. Even if he apologizes profusely to you (which he should!) I would be very wary about continuing with someone who loses their shit like this.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a Mon 01-Mar-21 11:23:16

Block him. He was rude. Then cruel. Block and do not allow him back in. This is him either ending your relationship, or testing your boundaries.

HmmmmmmInteresting Mon 01-Mar-21 11:25:32

He's probably met someone he wants to pursue, OP.

From experience, you will do yourself no favours by chasing after him. I think you should think of this as over, but if you really want to get back with him the best thing you could do is give him radio silence. Do not try and find other ways to contact him. He will come crawling back...it could be next week or next month or next year, but he will. When he does you need to show calm detachment and dignity. If you do get back together how you react at this time will lay the foundation for future interactions. Show him that you're not a punching bag or doormat: you're someone who demands respect (with your actions, not your words- please do not telegraph this). He should be the one that is scared that he's fucked this up. Do not tell him you love or miss him when he comes crawling back.

HmmmmmmInteresting Mon 01-Mar-21 11:27:21

When he contacts you, just ignore him.

FatCatThinCat Mon 01-Mar-21 11:28:50

I agree with the others. The only thing you did wrong was apologising and telling him you knew it was your fault. One thing the pandemic should teach us is that life's too short to put up with other people's bullshit.

My DD is the same age as you. If this were her posting I'd tell her to pick her pride up off the floor and put it back on, and if he comes crawling back tell him to fuck off. There's much better men out there than this.

QueenOfPain Mon 01-Mar-21 11:31:38

He is either feeling guilty about something and doesn’t have the balls to confess so has just created an explosion instead of he wants to end it but again, doesn’t have the balls. Maybe someone else has caught his eye.

Next time this happens to you with a different man, as soon as you recognise the vibe is of, just say “Things don’t feel quite right today, I’m gonna head home and let you have some time to yourself” then the cowardly POS will have to find another way to say or do whatever it is they’re trying to make you responsible for.

QueenOfPain Mon 01-Mar-21 11:32:22

*or he wants to end it

TheLaughingGenome Mon 01-Mar-21 11:35:32

He's acting in a way that suggests he's trying to cover up a deep sense of shame. He's done something.

I think he may have had a sexual encounter with someone else. Possibly in RL. Then as soon as he saw you he started dumping all his guilt and confusion into to you without any real explanation.

Either that or he's doing it deliberately to mess with you and is a sociopath.

I don't think there are any good scenarios here, sorry flowers

Newbie96 Mon 01-Mar-21 11:36:06

Thank you all, honestly, so far the unity and strength from you all in this thread has sort of given me some strength too.

I'll just leave him to it and won't contact him again (not that can now he's blocked me on everything!) but I just feel so empty right now, I feel like all that time and emotional investment was just wasted.

OP’s posts: |
Morgan12 Mon 01-Mar-21 11:38:40

I reckon he has met someone else, sorry.

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