What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

It seems like he used you through lockdown and now things are slowly opening up he's getting rid so he can get back out there single.
It's nothing you've done wrong he is just a dickhead.

No time is ever wasted, OP. All the time you will have been learning things about yourself, and becoming who you are. And you're too good to be messed around like this. Not time wasted, not at all.

This is how abusive men operate (bitter experience) please don’t contact him any more . If he starts to shower you with ‘sorrys’ and flowers, don’t fall for it . It doesn’t matter how good things have been in the past , it doesn’t matter that he’s never been like this before, this is how he is now and if you go back, he’s got the green light to do it again.

He's behaved so badly that there can be no coming back from this. Do you have any of his stuff at your place? If so box it up and send it to him. No note. Try not to weaken and let him back into your life. He created a situation then manipulated your responses to cast himself as a victim. Suspect he was too gutless to end it civilly. Perhaps he'd built up some image of you as his dream woman over the years and never actually wanted to reality of a grown up relationship?

Bloody hell. I'm in shock reading this. No idea what happened but is is nothing you did. And whatever it is, you don't want to be with someone like that.

Big hugs op.

I'm so glad that you say I'm not to blame because I really didn't think I did anything wrong. Maybe in the anticipation of thinking something was wrong, I may have oozed an attitude but my intention was to talk about it and then get over it. I can't help but feel so shit, but as you have said the other option would have been to walk on eggshells and that's not me as a person.

Sparkletastic, I don't have any of his stuff at mine but a lot of my stuff is at his. Honestly, it is nothing of any value and I wouldn't want or need back, so if we were to speak again I guess id tell him to bin it.

Just such a shame, because its as though i am easy to walk away from after everything i did for him.

It’s not wasted time. It is just time that has passed. Move on and up.

Hi OP,

There are many possibilities here; he has met someone else and feels guilty, he had a traumatic experience and can't talk about it, he's a drug addict and had a relapse, he heard something about your past and didn't like it...

But what all of the possible scenarios have in common is they are out of your control. No amount of trying to solve the mystery will do it, only he knows what's going on with him.

You can only control your own boundaries and standards. So draw a line firmly now - you will not accept blame for something you had no part in, you will not be dragged into begging for crumbs, you will not be interested in a man who does treat you well, you will not obsess over someone who treats your feelings so carelessly.

You know you deserve better than this. Whatever is behind it all will be revealed at some stage - it always is.

If you engage with this drama now you are setting a precedent for your entire relationship.

Don't worry about the pleading messages, what's done is done. You were worried about him. Well he knows you are now so no more you can do.

I know it's so hard but walk away. He doesn't deserve you.

And also - this is just something that leaped out at me from your post - your 'story' of how you got together (I don't mean it's made up, i mean story in the sense it's a concise summary) is incredibly romantic. I am often wary of a romantic story clouding our judgement. Just because it started off with lots of fanfare and buildup does not mean he gets a free pass to behave in an unacceptable manner.

It’s not wasted time, it’s a relationship that didn’t work out. Not every relationship ends in marriage. And this one ended badly because he didn’t have the balls to do it cleanly. That’s not about you, but about him.

I would also assume the anger was due to guilt. Becayse he knew he was ending it and making it seem like it was your fault snd an argument to avoid having to say it. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to keep that relationship. There was no other outcome to be had, it was over before you walked through the door.

Sillysandy, Thank you for your kind words. I do think now something was up with him. Whatever it was, even if he wanted to end it, I would have just appreciated a conversation because I'm just here second-guessing myself with no way of finding out the truth.

Thank you for also pointing out the romanticised aspect of our relationship, I wish in some ways I had exaggerated or made some of it up but that is genuinely our history and I think in some ways that has what has kept me so attached to him. You know "the one that got away" and all but I agree, I guess I cannot allow history to have any say in the future.

I totally agree with Rainbow shine.

It looks like he is trying to break up with you. He is trying to create something out of nothing.He is being a coward about it and isn't man enough to do it to your face.

Stop wasting your time worrying about him, he is only thinking of himself. If he had any respect for you, he should be more honest.

I hate to say he may have someone else lined up, that's why he is only focused on removing you as you stand in his way but doesn't want to appear the bad guy and can blame you for something.

The best thing you can do right now is completely back off. Give him the space he wants and let him come back and be honest. otherwise he will just blame you for being needy and not listening to him.

For what it worth - looking from the outside - He is behaving like an arsehole!

"he had had the day off work so had been at home chilling for the day and when we had spoken during the day he was in a good mood"

Yeah, and something happened between you speaking to him and you seeing him to sour that mood.

I'd suspect there's someone else and she's told him to make a choice between you. He doesn't have the balls to be honest so he's turned it around on you instead.

I suspect he’s met someone else.

But whatever the reason, there’s no coming back from this. Ever.

Walk away from him and put him out of your head. In fact block his number since, given he’s blocked you now he won’t then be able to come crawling back should the urge arise.

He needs to realise that having declared the relationship over it is, in fact, over.

Thank you, everyone, the thought of him meeting someone else honestly hadn't even come into my head. It makes me feel physically sick. But there's nothing I can do. Shocking how someone can love you one minute and then just not give a toss the next.

@Newbie96 look up sunken costs fallacy too. It’s when you try to fix something that can’t be, because you are too far invested in it emotionally. I think you would do well to consider what standards and boundaries you expect in a relationship. You automatically assumed his shitty behaviour was your fault - er no! Have a look at the Freedom Programme which you can do online and set the bar for what behaviour you’ll accept from a relationship higher.

This guy is not a loss at all. You’ve won because you’re better off without him. Yeah you’ve used time and headspace on him but no more. Think of it like shopping. You try five dresses on, you buy one. It wasn’t a waste of time trying the others, was it? It was a test to see if they were right for you. They weren’t but that’s ok. You move on to buy the one you like. Or go to another shop.

That’s where you’re at now. You can decide to go to a different shop (relationship) or actually you’ve had enough and want a break for a while. Whatever is best for you.

[quote Rainbowshine]@Newbie96 look up sunken costs fallacy too. It’s when you try to fix something that can’t be, because you are too far invested in it emotionally. I think you would do well to consider what standards and boundaries you expect in a relationship. You automatically assumed his shitty behaviour was your fault - er no! Have a look at the Freedom Programme which you can do online and set the bar for what behaviour you’ll accept from a relationship higher.

This guy is not a loss at all. You’ve won because you’re better off without him. Yeah you’ve used time and headspace on him but no more. Think of it like shopping. You try five dresses on, you buy one. It wasn’t a waste of time trying the others, was it? It was a test to see if they were right for you. They weren’t but that’s ok. You move on to buy the one you like. Or go to another shop.

That’s where you’re at now. You can decide to go to a different shop (relationship) or actually you’ve had enough and want a break for a while. Whatever is best for you.[/quote]
Thank you so much Rainbowshine, it does make sense logically and I am going to look into the sunken costs fallacy too, so thank you for your help. I really needed it.

I'm at work at the moment but I just feel really lost, like I'm not really here right now. Usually, we speak 24.7 so it's weird having no one to speak to.

I was wondering what you meant by after everything i did for him.
It's an unusal statement to make in a normal relationship. It sounds like things were not balanced?
May have nothing at all to do with the break-up. I agree with everyone else, sounds like he took the cowards way out to end things for whatever reason.
Like you, I'm the sort to dwell on 'why?' But, life is like that, just accept you can't change it and move on.

God OP. You sound like me I was like this with my now ex... Without sounding disrespectful, I look back and think why was I so pathetic. Its quite obvious that he is controlling and thinks he can treat you this way and you'll sit there pining for him. My advice is.. Don't go back there.. You've had a lucky escape.. My relationship escalated into extreme physical violence and then he went on to abuse our daughter.. In the end, social services removed us from the area as it was so unsafe and dangerous.. Don't let it escalate and stick to your guns. You've had a very, very, very lucky escape.

I agree with PP, he engineered all of this to try and turn it onto you. This man is a manipulative and abusive coward. Odds are there was definitely another girl in the back ground. The fact you have both gravitated towards and away from each other over the years might sound romantic for some (and yourself) but it just shows this really was not meant to be.

It's just a classic case of emotional immaturity. He couldn't be adult enough to say the relationship is over, so decided to project onto you. The bit about you being miserable and giving off the bad energy ...that was him, not you.

Consider this a lucky escape. I realise you might be feeling that loss of connection, but he didn't deserve you. In time you will feel relieved it didn't go further. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Please stay strong and if he decides to unblock you and start pleading that he wasn't in the right place, then just ignore him. Don't give him a moment of your time after he treated you so disrespectfully.

This young man is an abuser OP, it is who he is and he likes being an abuser because it makes him feel powerful. You did nothing to deserve his foul behaviour. Learn from this and move on.

“I was wondering what you meant by after everything i did for him.
It's an unusal statement to make in a normal relationship. It sounds like things were not balanced?
May have nothing at all to do with the break-up. I agree with everyone else, sounds like he took the cowards way out to end things for whatever reason.
Like you, I'm the sort to dwell on 'why?' But, life is like that, just accept you can't change it and move on.”

I was also struck by that comment. In a healthy relationship, both of you do plenty for each other. It’s not a one-way street. Maybe reflect on that for the future.

Also, even if you had done something wrong (it doesn’t sound like you did but we all do from time to time), his reaction was completely unjustified. This isn’t about you at all; it’s about him.

Another thing I’ve learnt in life: don’t bother with “why’s” in romantic relationships because that too often leads to excusing poor behaviour.

The questions to focus on are (1) what was done? and (2) how do you feel about it?

What’s happened is that he’s treated you like absolute sh1t. While you may be hurt, you should also be deeply angry and determined not to allow him the chance to do it again. He shouldn’t be allowed back from that. My DH and I get very annoyed with each other sometimes but in 20+ years, he has never pulled a stunt like that. Neither have I and neither has any other man I’ve dated.

This is exactly how my abusive ex started out. An atmosphere, where 'nothing' was wrong though it clearly was, then an engineered argument that escalated wildly and over absolutely nothing but my fault nonetheless. I'd be crying and struggling to make sense of it all, placating, apologising though I didn't know what I was apologising for, trying to get him to stop the rage, the destruction. Then finally he'd decide to 'forgive me'. Utter headfuck and I should have left then. All staying did was show him I was the perfect partner for him to continue to abuse and escalate mistreatment on.
Don't be me. Block the gaslighting fucker right back and know that you dodged a life of misery with him.

Hi all, sorry for throwing anyone off, for my comment in regards to "all that I have done for him" to be honest I think this is just me feeling quite bitter right now and I don't actually mean anything by it.
I helped him quite a bit financially during our relationship but of course, that doesnt mean he is expectant to treat me anyway because of that and I also didn't want anything in return, it was my choice to help and I'm still glad I did.

I also do agree that I sound VERY pathetic, I guess I am right now. I just feel really helpless, which I know is silly.

To the comments that say I should feel angry and should have more respect for myself, I completely agree. I have found over the years that I have an inability to get angry at the people I love, this often means I'm able to look past certain disrespects, that the normal person would find a deal-breaker or even just a reason to be angry. If anyone knows as to why this would be and how I change that I would really appreciate it? Damn right I should feel angry but right now I just feel numb.

This is just an accident waiting to happen. Honestly I can't tell you how much of a lucky escape you've had. There's the potential for serious harm.. He can't control his temper and you can't couldn't seem to understand that he doesn't want to talk and you push and push and push. Pushing and pushing will make it worse. I was exactly the same as you. Don't waste anymore time on this creep. You deserve better x

The fact that he was capable of pulling a stunt like this shows he has abusive tendencies. It hurts terribly now but you’ve had a lucky escape. And as a PP said - no time wasted, just a very useful lesson.

And one final point (then I’m done 😀) - I also had an on again/off again thing with someone when I was young. It lasted years but came to nothing (very useful learning experience, mind you). These on again/off again scenarios can very occasionally work out but on again/off again usually means it’s not actually meant to be.