What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

I agree with everyone... he engineered the argument... and then blamed you for that argument ... you fell into the trap of appeasing and apologising to him for his behaviour because he gaslighted you into believing you caused all of it...

his behaviour was aggressive and pathetic.. walking out the house in his dressing gown shows that you didn't respond quite as he expected and he didn't know what to do.. he expected you to storm out and he would have continued to blame it all on you... and you walked out too..,

but you didn't do that... you threw him by trying to calm the situation by being kind and understanding and even took the blame for his twat'ish behaviour.. thats why he stormed out the door.., then texting you to demand you leave...

I'd keep those messages ... to remind yourself of the true version events ..

he wanted to end this .. but didn't have the bottle the balls or even the respect for you to do it properly ...

I hope you feel better soon OP... you sound so kind and giving... you deserve way better .. 🌺

From what you said, I suspect he was having someone else come over that night.
Him starting a fight for no reason, blamimg you, then telling you to leave.

Then his odd comment about letting him know when you were home as he wouldn't be able to sleep. Pseudo concern.

Then abruptly saying good night after you told him you were.

He could invite her over without worrying you had decided to comeback over to try to talk again.

@RantyAnty

From what you said, I suspect he was having someone else come over that night. Him starting a fight for no reason, blamimg you, then telling you to leave.

Then his odd comment about letting him know when you were home as he wouldn't be able to sleep. Pseudo concern.

Then abruptly saying good night after you told him you were.

He could invite her over without worrying you had decided to comeback over to try to talk again.

Bingo....

very well spotted.... damn your good...

this is exactly why he needed to know where you were .. someone else was coming to his place ...

Cretin 🌺

I'm REALLY wary of people who say things about how your energy is off or you're giving off bad energy and then saying it's affecting them. Never, ever heard someone say that in a way that can't be translated as "I don't want to be around you but I have no justification for that so I'm going to say you have bad energy so I can blame you for me not wanting to be around you for a specific reason that you don't have any control over but it's your fault anyway"

What a classic tit! He wanted to end it but didn’t have the balls- so made out like it was all your fault.

What a cock- his obviously met someone else, I suggest you do the same.

Chin up op, its a lot better than this.

I'm so sorry@Newbie96 but I think your now ex boyfriend has met someone else;from what you've said in regards to your relationship prior to last Friday night there were no red flags or arguments that would have suggested things were headed towards a break up.

He's a cowardly shit who didn't have the nerve to be honest and just sit you down and tell you he's met someone else but then again he's hardly going to admit he's not been 100% faithful.

I understand your hurt especially with your history with him but be thankful you've discovered his true colours now and not later on.

Your young and sound down to earth and he's not the only bloke out there.

My first thought from the moment you said you went into his place and he was off with you was that he had slept with someone else and was feeling guilty.
Like others I think you have had a lucky escape

@Newbie96

PerfectlyImperfectx what happened with your situation? I thought we had matured. We seemed so perfect.

I've crumbled and I'm crying at my desk like a fool. Honestly. I promise i will find the strength, just not today.

Op, I’m sorry but I’ve only just seen your reply. I hope you’re doing as well as you can be today.

I’ve been in your shoes and it’s awful. You feel like you’ve had the rug pulled from under you and you’ll never be happy again. My situation was very similar to yours but we’d been out for a meal. Long story short, after we’d finished and gone back to his he was very quiet. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything etc. The atmosphere changed and it became awkward and we weren’t really getting anywhere. He was due to leave for work so I went home. Anyway, I sent him a message when I got back to wish him a safe night shift and thought nothing more. Two weeks passed and he didn’t contact me. Eventually I messaged him and he said he’d come over to chat. He came round to tell me he didn’t love me anymore and left. Apparently his feelings had changed six months prior

Sorry for the ramble but the point is, it isn’t you it’s him. He may have met someone else but he didn’t have the decency to tell you. It hurts like hell but you will be ok, I promise. It’s been eight months for me and I still wonder what the hell happened. But I know I’m better off without him. And you will get there too. Sending hugs to you..

Agree with InkyOctopus "He is completely controlling you and your emotions here. No kind adult behaves like this. Please stop begging and cajoling. You did NOTHING wrong."

I also think he may have met someone else or decided to pursue someone else.

I think his behaviour was odd and cruel.

Agree with missmoz "Please know you did nothing wrong. Sticking around and trying to talk about it is much more normal behaviour than frothing at the mouth with rage because you want your girlfriend to leave and can't explain why."

I really hope you will find someone new who is worthy of your love. I expect one day he will tell you want it was all about. Please, just do not apologuise for anything else. You are not in the wrong at all.

H ewas clearly agitated because he had arranged for someone else to go to his house.

I would just block and delete, you are not going to get any comfort from this relationship.
He's a discarding coward, you deserve better and I'm sorry he ended up being a complete arsehole.

Find someone better.

I love this guy's advice. I don't think you should go back with this guy at all but I think this man's specific advice to this woman is kind of helpful to any of us who find ourselves in this sad situation.

Wanted to add two things, coming from a long life experience of straight relationships. And no, I don’t think we can surmise anything about another sexual partner, or any other theory of why he was a dick that night. Not on current evidence. Also, slightly, it doesn’t matter.

One is that a lot of the positive, giddy, romantic, whirlwind bits of your relationship need to be looked at from a step back position. Lockdown will have messed with a lot of people’s hearts and minds. For sure it’s the equivalent of holiday romances or long distance relationships- the ones where you never have to deal with ‘normal life’ and test each other against the normal stresses and joys of life (and sharing them with other people and duties). You’ve been cocooned in a teeny corral of limerence, while the world rages and crises swirl outside your front door. Powerful stuff, but.

That’s something to look at. It’s important. It may not be the best basis for a long-term partnership, or it at least needs to be acknowledged and worked through, right?

Second thing is this. Whatever you thought you were doing, whatever ‘good place’ it came from inside your mind, you should not drag yourself around begging and pleading and trying to talk through things when another human adult has clearly indicated they need to be alone. Even (especially?) if they are being a dick.

I mean, the guy had to basically tell you to fuck off before you left? Then you text incessantly across the next 24hrs? There’s definitely a place for sorting things out, talking things through or asserting your boundaries (please, get some stronger ones in your back pocket). But when someone is ‘not in the mood’, all you’re really doing is amplifying problems and creating drama. And sky-writing how needy you are. None of those outcomes are going to lead to sane, calm discussion. Not in the entire history of two people getting along.

Sometimes humans are at the mercy of their hormones, their upbringings, their blood-sugar levels and a million other things that are not about you. Once you’ve made one calm attempt to try to engage with a deeply grumpy grown-up, leave them to it. Smile, get up, wish them the best with ‘whatever is going on here’ and leave. Don’t pack bags, hang about outside, stand there miserably, or keep trying to engage. Give them space. Every time. Leave the ball in their court, early on.

Facts we have: he was a dick, with too little maturity or self-knowledge to explain or communicate what was going on for him and ask for time alone that night. You saw he needed to be alone but insisted on amplifying that it was about ‘you’ and ‘us’. Some terrified small girl person inside you felt abandoned and disappointed that the evening was ruined. So you pushed and pushed and pushed.

My observation is that many times women ‘push’ a situation like this, disguising it as ‘we need to sort this out now, I’m here for you, you’ll thank me one day’ when really it’s not altruism. It’s some kind of unhealthy female cultural programming and actually thinly veiled revenge for messing with the dream relationship.

I’m truly sorry you’ve had a bad shock, and clearly you are grieving the relationship you thought you had. May the next one, or the next time he throws the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde switch, go better for you. I think you could put a kind on insurance policy in place for this, by doing some further work on yourself.

And please, when he comes begging, send him off to untangle ‘why he did it’ and ‘why he can’t communicate his feelings’ with someone else. It’s not your job, and it’ll only increase the drama.

I had a boyfriend who had ‘an episode’ like this, waaaaay out of character. I told him that although I wouldn’t necessarily leave him for ‘sneezing’, I’d want to be sure he hadn’t been suppressing something far more serious and contagious (like ‘tuberculosis’) that I’d be dealing with forever. Hope you get that analogy.

Note: turns out it was incurable tuberculosis with my guy. Deep daddy issues I wasn’t going to spend my youth dealing with (while he didn’t). Even if it only ‘pops up’ a couple of times a year, over 40 years, that’s a lot of unnecessary, unresolvable grief. Gets in the way of a happy life, and raising actual children.

Your first reaction was to apologise for his bad behaviour. This is something I would take some time to work on. I’m a massive people pleaser too. It is hard to find boundaries. But if you don’t find some, you risk allowing yourself to be treated like this again. Whatever his motivation, you deserve someone far better. Going back to the dress analogy, this dress doesn’t fit. There are many more complementary dresses out there, which would suit you better.

Feel like am reading a different thread.

I just kept seeing OP follow them & refuse to leave the house after repeated requests to leave & give them space.

For me if for any reason told someone they should leave my home & they didn't, kept following me around & asking if I am sure & not making any moves to go then for me that relationship would be over - because my rights to ask someone to leave & have that be respected have been compromised.

It sounded possible to me he was irked about the awkward silence as was OP & he wanted space - he asked her to leave & she refused.

Then when she continued to refuse to leave he actively left his house waiting for her to leave - and she still remained! Asking him to come back & talk more about the misunderstanding. This to me was exacerbating the issue & adding fuel to the fire.

Yes talking out an argument or misunderstanding is healthy - but not if the other party has said they don't want to talk about it at that point. You can't just insist you want to keep talking when they've said that they aren't ready to discuss the issue & want space! It's important to respect that.

The OP also admits that her demeanour may have been unpleasant as she was feeling upset by this odd atmosphere - so it's not as though he invented out of nowhere that there seemed to be tension in the air - the OP says herself this was true.

Her reaction was to want to talk it through, his was for her to leave as the environment in his own home had become uncomfortable - and that is OK.

If someone says to leave their house then that's the point where you should pick up your bag & leave asap. You shouldn't be where you're not wanted & he seemed to have made it clear he wanted OP to leave.

I feel like the situation was an initial misunderstanding which escalated, but it didn't necessarily mean it was over from the start - it was the refusal to leave & pushing to talk when space had been asked that tipped it over the edge.

@gutful

yip ... you're definitely reading a different thread

His behavior was such serious shit. Thankfully you found out now instead of 20 years from now. Cut your losses.

He's a cat and you're the mouse. He's caught you and is toying with you. Lets you get away, then catches you again. What you don't know is that he's going to kill you. It's his way of proving HIS worth. He wants to see how pathetic you will become.

My advice? Don't play the game. It's over. Move the fuck on. He is a sunken cost. We all have those in our past. Wasted time, or time spent learning.

Here are two songs, one of which is quite famous and the other less so. I suspect that they are about the same relationship.

Man's perspective:

Woman's perspective:

They were known to have dated, but I can't say that the songs are related. I suggest you listen to the lyrics from Bob Dylan though. Your boyfriend has made it clear that it's not going to work out.

I'm so very sorry for the heartache. You can choose how long you spend dwelling.

He's cheated on you. He doesn't like feeling guilty, so he's acting out because he's angry about it. He's looking for any excuse to make you look like a crazy, fool to make himself feel better. He's being an arsehole. You don't need this shit. Nobody needs this shit. It's abusive.

@gutful that would be my interpretation also.

What is unknown is what caused the initial unusual atmosphere. I would be in camp 'he has found somebody else'.

I'm afraid I think his behaviour has guilt written all over it. Why was he in his dressing gown? Is that normal?

“ when someone shows you who they are believe them them the first time” Maya Angelelou .. you can put it back together.. he can change his mind .. but this will happen again and again and each time you will be deeper in .. more entwined and with more to lose .. save yourself the pain now . It’s run it’s course and there’s a lot of joy and positivity but don’t string it out and put your own happiness so far down the list for your future .. he didn’t have the maturity to break it properly so you will have to find that strength in yourself. I’m so sorry you’ve have had to deal with this painful way of breaking him .. he didn’t have the skills to do it right but his intention was there so believe him the first time

I don’t agree he’s an arsehole.. it’s a horrible way to break up with someone but more reflective of him lacking the skills and maturity to know how to walk away responsibly ..

Newbie, he knew exactly what he was doing. He planned to push you away and manipulated you by acting off, sitting at the far end of the sofa, staying on his phone, spouting his ‘bad energy’ guff, and foaming with anger. He knew you would ask what was up and he was ready to pounce. What a despicable coward he is for shifting the blame to you.

I too think that someone new is on the scene. I wonder if he was communicating with her while ignoring you on the sofa.

You have enriched his life both emotionally and financially, and you deserve his utmost respect. You certainly don’t deserve this devaluation and cruelty. If you can find your anger, it will help you gather strength and move through the grieving process. Please don’t diminish yourself by taking him back when he tries to lure you.

Well, I may as well add my thoughts too.

1. You did absolutely nothing wrong here and have nothing to apologise for. If there was an issue that had been bothering him, he should have spoken to you about it. Anyone would have been as shocked as you.

1. It's ok to be not ok for a while. It's a shocking thing to happen, so take your time to grieve the relationship you thought you had.

1. I wouldn't be surprised if he unblocked you within the next week and sent a "Hey, how's it going?" kind of message. Whatever happens, don't get pulled back into his bullshit. His behavior is unforgivable. You deserve better.

@Sillysandy

Hi OP,

There are many possibilities here; he has met someone else and feels guilty, he had a traumatic experience and can't talk about it, he's a drug addict and had a relapse, he heard something about your past and didn't like it...

But what all of the possible scenarios have in common is they are out of your control. No amount of trying to solve the mystery will do it, only he knows what's going on with him.

You can only control your own boundaries and standards. So draw a line firmly now - you will not accept blame for something you had no part in, you will not be dragged into begging for crumbs, you will not be interested in a man who does treat you well, you will not obsess over someone who treats your feelings so carelessly.

You know you deserve better than this. Whatever is behind it all will be revealed at some stage - it always is.

If you engage with this drama now you are setting a precedent for your entire relationship.

Don't worry about the pleading messages, what's done is done. You were worried about him. Well he knows you are now so no more you can do.

I know it's so hard but walk away. He doesn't deserve you.

And also - this is just something that leaped out at me from your post - your 'story' of how you got together (I don't mean it's made up, i mean story in the sense it's a concise summary) is incredibly romantic. I am often wary of a romantic story clouding our judgement. Just because it started off with lots of fanfare and buildup does not mean he gets a free pass to behave in an unacceptable manner.

You are so wise Sillysandy! All of this.

I think it’s important you see what happened here OP. Hopefully in future you will never again apologise for something you have no idea you’re supposedly responsible for. He’s pathetic. Take care of yourself