What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

Oh bless you OP I can almost feel how much you’re hurting. I’ve been in the same position as you before and it’s horrible- the not knowing is the worst. Don’t blame yourself for anything though. He took the weak mans way out and obviously doesn’t have a backbone.
Take it one day at a time and leave him to contact you. It’s so hard, I know

A lot of men behave like this when ether they have mer someone else or want to end it. It works very well-they get an ending that they can blame on you, it’s quick and your so up-ended you give him the ego boost of begging him for scraps of attention. He could have had a nice conversation with you but that would make him the ‘bad’ man and that does not work for him. Men that do this are always the ones who you look back on and laugh about rubbish they were.

Sounds like was acting like a real dick, and it's quite an odd situation all round. So sorry for the confusion you must be feeling, he's being really unkind now.

Is he usually dramatic in his relationships?

I wondered whether it had all got a bit much - you said you guys are each other's bubble, and you would be in contact 24/7. Also, when you got there and he was quiet, did you secretly feel really pissed off with him that you had been excited to see him and he was just looking at his phone? I am not judging that, just wondering whether you gave off this kind of passive aggressive "I'm pissed off but I'm not saying it" vibe? And then he asked you lots of times to go and you were still there.

Whatever happened, he sounds ridiculous and his blocking you, his girlfriend of a year, and foaming at the mouth... He sounds quite unstable. Think carefully about whether you ought to be with such a man. If you decide to give him another chance, he needs to really apologise and certainly not keep blaming you for his massive overreaction.

Wow! That was textbook gaslighting! You know that you arrived at his place in a good mood. You absolutely KNOW this, because you know yourself. But now you're questioning if you did in fact arrive in a bad mood. You know you didn't, but yet..

This is a huge sign of emotional abuse. His blameshifting everything to you is another sign. The fact that he angrily told you it was all our fault and that you're making things worse by not leaving is so manipulative. You are NOT responsible for his emotional well being!

It doesn't even matter so much what the real reason behind his appalling behavior is, the fact that he treated you like he did shows his lack of respect for you as a human being.

I've been there. The pain feels like a punch in the gut, and you can't stop crying. Let yourself cry! The only way out, is through. A cliche, perhaps, but so true. Be kind to yourself and be gentle to yourself. Let yourself feel ALL the emotions - they are completely valid.

In the meantime, maybe pick up a copy of "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and see if anything in there resonates with his past behavior.

It will get better...eventually. Focus on you, your needs, and how you want your future to look. Sending hugs!

@Newbie96

AramintaLee thank you for shedding some light on your friend's experience, I hope she is doing well now.

I am good friends with his friends but I wouldn't class them as mutual friends as I do believe they will stand by him no matter what which sucks, so I don't feel as though I could talk to them about whats happened.

My friend is now happily in a new relationship. She hasn't spoken to her ex since he blocked her number and her social media accounts (exactly the same as what happened to you) I think it took some time for her to heal, but she definitely realises now what an absolute chump he was.

There is more to this than meets the eye— he deliberately created an argument , I suspect he wanted out butcwas a coward and it’s easier to create a scene

I wouldn't be surprised if he starts love bombing you soon. You take him back and then this becomes the pattern in your relationship.
I know you feeling in love right now and probably want him back the way he was before so if the love bombing starts you are probably going to go back... My only advise to you if you do go back is when he starts his shit just recognise what's happening and leave. And if things ever become threatening call the police.
However.... I hope you do have the strength to leave this behind and realise you've seen his true colours and he will not change. None of this is your fault.

Block him on everything and delete his number.

He 100% deliberately engineered an argument. He would have somehow escalated the evening into an argument of this scale no matter what you said or did. And I agree that it is likely that his motivation was having met someone else and wanting to pursue that whilst 'absolved of guilt' because he had to kick you out and dump you for being a crank (obviously you did nothing wrong but he will of course create his own narrative of the evening).

A man I was dating did exactly this. It came out of absolutely nowhere and I behaved just like you did, because he had been so perfect (mirroring, love bombing etc) up until this point and was SO angry with me that I thought I MUST have done something awful. Anyway, it was because he had just found out his XW had split up with her boyfriend and thought he would have a chance at rekindling the marriage and obviously it would make him look better to have dumped me, the new girlfriend, for being unreasonable rather than unceremoniously jumping ship. She batted him away, and then the lovebombing started up again - never, ever reply to this man again.

As loads of pp's are saying it really sounds like he created an argument as he wants dout.. Either because he's met someone else. Or it's getting too serious for him.

I suppose the other alternative is that he's really lacking in emotional intelligence and self awareness. So acted like a toddler and got angry because he was feeling something unpleasant. Either way do you want to be around this?

Also how angry he got is worrying. It sounds like he was almost out of control. I think given you gave him a bit of tome to calm down and it wasn't juts a flying off the handle 1 minute thing this shows it was real anger. Again do you want to be around that?

Be prepared, because he WILL come back and given half the chance, he WILL do this again.

Block him on all fronts.

You will heal and you will get better, but not if you let him back. I wish you lots of strength to get through this.

He will be back.
My ex would engineer arguments too. They do it so they can meet other women/take drugs/gamble loads of money without guilt. They always crawl back.

Years later I asked my ex why, and it's the age old: 'it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.'

This totally out of proportion emotional/rage blow up reminds me of my ex... It was just the one time, and he was so sorry and nice and lovely most of the time and I had to give him a chance right? He had all these reasons, not his fault... Until they happened more and more often... Until I couldn't predict what would set him off (something I asked, my tone of voice, me not being totally enthusiastic for something he suggested, me not praising something he did enough), and I was walking on eggshells from the second I woke up, trying to prevent another blow up.

When, not if, when he contacts you again, just block him OP, save yourself the emotional and mental pain.

He is a classic abuser op. Really lovely at the beginning, then showing you that you 'are worthless' and making you feel that you have to be better to earn his love, next he will be round at your place with flowers and apologies, then it will be rinse and repeat. The only difference in the pattern is that you will loose your self-respect and confidence and he will become violent.

None of this is you, it is all him. I would wager that he has at least a couple of ex's who could tell a similar story to yours.

Oh and if you feel confused about why he was so nice for that first year, it's because that is what you will spend the rest of your relationship with him trying to get back to.

He will impart the narrative that you caused him to change (though he will never tell you why you did) and that if you are good enough/nice enough/lend him enough money, you could earn your way back to the golden days when you were loved.

His actions are to confuse and disorient you so that you are vulnerable to stage 3 of the classic abuser and victim routine.

How are you doing OP?

Gosh OP, he sounds like a prize arsehole.

He totally knew what he was doing, and instead of being honest with you, he's made you think the 'issue' is your fault. He can fuck the fuck off, the sulky little turd, who does he think he is? Honestly, throwing a tantrum in the street in his dressing gown like a batshit wee willie winky!

Do not let this idiot back in your life, he doesnt deserve you. He may try and fuck with your head, he will probably get a kick out of knowing you are thinking of him. It's all about control. He may well message you when he gets bored or feels a slight pang of guilt for being a twat. You take the drivers seat now and don't give him the time of day.

I know it hurts now but it won't always. As PP said, one day you'll look back on this and you'll thank yourself you dodged a bullet and laugh at all his short comings.

My ex was a controlling arse and I begged him to take me back cringe. Now I look back and think Jesus Christ! He was balding, had missing teeth, dodgy skin, used to shave his back (and ask me to help him with it) and he had webbed toes, I kid you not! What a catch not envy!

Let this one go OP, it will hurt but not forever

[quote Rainbowshine]@Newbie96 look up sunken costs fallacy too. It’s when you try to fix something that can’t be, because you are too far invested in it emotionally. I think you would do well to consider what standards and boundaries you expect in a relationship. You automatically assumed his shitty behaviour was your fault - er no! Have a look at the Freedom Programme which you can do online and set the bar for what behaviour you’ll accept from a relationship higher.

This guy is not a loss at all. You’ve won because you’re better off without him. Yeah you’ve used time and headspace on him but no more. Think of it like shopping. You try five dresses on, you buy one. It wasn’t a waste of time trying the others, was it? It was a test to see if they were right for you. They weren’t but that’s ok. You move on to buy the one you like. Or go to another shop.

That’s where you’re at now. You can decide to go to a different shop (relationship) or actually you’ve had enough and want a break for a while. Whatever is best for you.[/quote]
Oh I love what you said about trying on dresses 👗😆

It sucks OP but you will get through it and you will be fine. In the meantime it's ok to be sad and upset and cry about it.

He sounds like a right twat, frothing and stomping around, refusing to come back into his house in his dressing gown (what?)

All because he couldn't have a normal reasonable sensible conversation - one that you calmly repeatedly asked for.

It's not you OP

Hope you're ok

Block him, don't be pulled in by this nasty twat. Ask yourself would you want to be with someone who can turn so aggressive just like that..foaming at the mouth!! Silly sod. Sounds like he wants out for whatever reason and didn't have the guts to be honest so engineered a arguement. You're too good for this & don't let him bring you down. X

Hi OP, I really hate to type this but my first ex did a similar thing with me. We went out one weekend and he kept absolutely ripping my head off for no reason, starting a massive argument over nothing and then ending things. I was so confused.
I found out about a month later that he’d cheated on me the day before. So he probably didn’t know how to end things without telling me what he did, so he created a problem - which is why it seemed so out of the blue to me!
I’m not necessarily saying your partner cheated, but there’s probably something he feels guilty about /there’s something else on his mind that is nothing to do with you.
It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. That must have been so horrible and I hope you’re ok

He sounds like a narcissist. This is the devalue / discard. You will probably get hoovered though if you go away for a bit

Wow. That escalated quickly. It's obviously over. The difficult part for you is getting closure. As his behaviour is so random their will always seem to be a bit of the puzzle missing and it will stop you from moving on.

The same thing happened to me. A random ending that never made sense. I did get more closure about nine months later which helped, in the form of an explanation from my ex.

I’m so sorry. I could’ve written your story almost word for word a few years ago.

The messed up thing is I took him back a couple weeks later and I thought we were so in lurve but it was just that the other person he wanted had rejected him. And he strung me along until she stopped rejecting him which was the lowest point in my entire long romantic life.

I am not saying that’s what’s going on here. As others have said, it doesn’t matter. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM please please please remember that. Even your apologies and requests were coming from the point of being a phenomenal girlfriend. Again, doesn’t matter. He’s not for you. Wait for better even if it takes a long time. You have nothing left to learn or gain from this man.

I came to post this video. It is what helped me through that breakup. I don’t know who she is and I’ve never watched any of her other videos, but this one saved me from so much pain. It’s long. It’s worth it.

Hugs and I promise if you follow her advice, you’ll be fully over him pretty fast.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=LnFNqP66U6E

OP - I’m a bit late to this thread. I really feel for you reading your posts. You seem like a lovely person and he sounds extremely immature and frankly an arse.

I know the pain you are going through, it is just dreadful but please hold on to the fact that it will start to get better in time.

If you do one thing please don’t go back with him, he will do it again. You deserve so much more. Delete his number and don’t respond to him when he comes crawling back. He’s bad news and you’ve had a lucky escape, even if it doesn’t feel like that atm.