What on earth happened?

[Newbie96]

Hi everyone, long time reader but first-time poster. I'll just jump straight into it. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together officially for a year, we've known each other since we were around 13 - 14 and attempted to make a go of it as teenagers (around 18) but it never worked. We've been in contact ever since because we both have mutually been drawn to one another. He often tells me he has compared every woman he's been with to me and to be honest I've done the same.

I am now 25 and he is 27. We got together just before lockdown last year and have spent nearly every waking second with each other since. We had been spending a lot of time together prior to lockdown happening and we both jumped at the opportunity to become each other's support bubbles when the time came and to be honest, it has been total bliss, we genuinely never argue, he is like my bestfriend.

Luckily for us, the lockdown has been kind to us mostly because we've had each other to get through it and it has made us grow extremely closer. I can honestly say the past year we both have agreed that we have been the happiest we've ever been, our relationship being one of the main reasons.

We both live alone and so we stay back and forth between his place and mine, only having to travel now and then for work etc. Due to our history and of course how much time we've spent together, emotions have definitely intensified and I am very much in love with this man, he knows this and tells me he feels the same way.

So fast forward to the weekend just gone, we had planned that I would spend the weekend at his house. I arrive at around 6:30 on Friday evening and things are good but I can sense that something is off/ or that he isn't exactly in the mood. I decide to ignore it but it seems to only get worse. Usually, we would sit down, have a conversation about our day and watch a series episode together which we commentate back and forth with each other but this time it's pure silence. Neither of us was physical with each other, he actually even sat on the furthest part of the sofa away from me. I can honestly say this was the first time I felt a little unwelcome in his home, which is odd considering how much time I have spent there and I've never felt this way before.

I mean maybe I overlooked everything far too much so please tell me if that appears to be the case. An hour of silence goes by, most of the time it was him on his phone whilst I watched the episode by myself, he stands up and asks if I am hungry, I say yeah and he says okay I will cook something for us. As it was the first proper real words we had spoken to each other all night, I decided to ask if everything was okay? he says yeah so in a jokey, laughing tone I ask if he wants me over tonight as it feels a little as if I'm intruding.

Well what happens next I didn't expect it at all, he is stood in the doorway of the living room and begins to get more and more wound up, he starts off by saying "of course I want you over but you have been sat there all night with this miserable look on your face, giving off bad energy" his voice is slightly raised but I don't retaliate and I calmy say "okay well I must have read it wrong, I wasn't trying to give off bad energy, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day" but he is so annoyed and goes off again accusing me of being the reason why the energy is so wrong between us tonight and how dare I blame him for it. I apologise again and say that I must have had a long day. He then goes on to say "well this is weird for me now so I think its best you leave" I am in shock as he walks out of the living room into the kitchen, in an attempt to let things settle, I leave it 5 minutes and walk into the kitchen with him and ask if he would really like me to leave? He responds "I'm just saying maybe its best", the thing is I can see on his face he is visually angry and in my head, I can't figure out why he is so annoyed, over something that in my mind was so trivial and silly. Like a fricken helpless puppy dog, I look at him again and ask if HE wants me to leave? and he responds "you know what yeah I do".

I take myself to the other room and begin packing up my stuff and I can hear him stomping and slamming about. I obviously felt a little confused because the whole situation felt extremely blown out of proportion. Once my things are packed I give it one last attempt and go and sit next to him on the sofa, I ask him if we can talk about this and I gently reach my hand out to touch his arm, but he blows up and is practically foaming from the mouth shouting at me not to touch him and that he just wants me to leave, at one point he swings the front door open and walks out of the front door in nothing his dressing gown, I don't chase him because I was honestly just shocked. He begins texting me telling me to leave his house or he won't come back? - I replied and told him I'm leaving but I would have appreciated it if he came back and just spoke to me. After 5/6 minutes pass, he comes storming back into the flat, pushing past me in the hall and is still foaming at the mouth shouting at how it's my fault and I'm making it worse by not leaving. Like a fool, I started to cry because I could see this has all escalated into a situation I didn't want for us at all. He tells me crying doesn't help the situation so tearfully I leave. As I wait outside for a cab, I check my phone and notice that he has blocked my number, my WhatsApp and my Instagram. I am totally confused and hurt by all of this and in my honest moment of craziness, I create another account on Instagram and message "I'm sorry for everything that just happened, I didn't expect any of that. I accept I was in the wrong and that I read the situation wrong, please can we talk when things are calmer?" he replies "please just let me know when you are home as I won't be able to sleep until I know your home" I leave it and let him know I am home, he bluntly replies "good, night" I again press on and I ask if we can talk? he responds and says "no I just want to go to sleep, we have been so good lately and now I'm laying here crying," I tell him I love him and that I don't want him to be sad, he replies and says he knows I do and that I should go to sleep.

Saturday morning comes and I message saying I hope he is okay and that again when things are calmer can we talk about this? he reads and doesn't respond. Sunday I message again along the same lines but telling him I miss him, again he reads and doesn't respond.

This morning I received a message from him saying "I told you that you were just making everything worse on Friday and you just didn't listen, you just thought you knew better and now I'm going to show you what I meant. I don't care, sorry" I sent some messages, honestly being very weak and pitiful, telling him that I would just like us to talk and sort this out as I miss him and this isn't like us at all, I then check for a response and he has blocked me from that account as well, so there are no ways of contacting him.

I just can't make sense of it all, we have never argued like this ever. I didn't expect him to blow up the way he did after asking him if everything was okay. I just feel like its all my fault for ruining something that we had so good. I feel really sad, low and alone and just wish he would calm down and speak to me.

Please give me your take on this entire, childish and shit situation. Did I do something wrong? and is he really never going to speak to me again over that?

Thank you

@Newbie96 You are not 'easy to leave' - stop thinking that. This is not about you - it's about him.

I don't actually believe he has left either - I fully expect him to be back, having enjoyed this bit of drama and power over you. I really hope you are completely dismissive when he decides to 'forgive' you (in inverted commas, because you've done nothing wrong, of course)!

@newbie96, I've just gone through a break up after 12 years and a son together, I know how much it hurts and that awful sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. I tried to fight the tears! It made me feel worse, you are going to go through some horrific emotions it's natural,I would say cry when you need to,be angry if you need to be ECT.. xx

Thank you brimfuller, I really appreciate you.

I guess I just have to suck it up.

Itstimetoquit ah thank you. I'm sending you hugs and strength! we can do this.
It's honestly the worst feeling ever, isn't it? I was physically sick this morning before coming to work and my chest has been tight all day with a horrid lump in my throat! I'm just glad no one at work has asked me if I'm okay because I'm pretty sure I would have broken down by now lol.
Thank you x

This is a hard enough situation without you blaming yourself.

He's a prize arsehole.

But yes, it's a horrible day when we find out how quickly love can turn to hate/indifference (in his case I'm afraid it might've not been real love). The lesson I've learned is ALWAYS keep in mind your best interests and make sure you could look after yourself at every point in life.

Sorry for the shock you've had

duchesspodcast thank you, I think your right because I know that I love him and I would NEVER have done this to him so how can he love me.

The way I'm thinking about it right now is it's like coming down from a really happy, dreamlike high to the lowest possible low. I don't think my body internally has adjusted just yet!

Of course, it happened suddenly and unexpectedly, it's going to take a while to process. But when you're trying to make sense of it, please don't give any headspace to what's wrong with you/how you could've prevented it.

I also think he'll try to get you back - you can't allow that to happen now he's shown what he's capable of.

Take good care of yourself.

Best case is that he wanted to end it and engineered the whole thing to make it your fault.

Worst case is that this is the first step towards a controlling and abusive relationship. He may or may not have purposefully engineered the argument - eg if he doesn't ever take responsibility for his own moods/behaviour, then he will always see it as you giving him a hard time - but it doesn't matter because ultimately what happened was that you went away upset, and begging him for forgiveness. Now you are blocked. But if this is just the first step, he will reappear. He will beg and cry and tell you he's sorry. He may go straight to saying that he couldn't help himself but he loves you so much/you made him feel so uncomfortable/ you wouldn't stop and he just couldn't cope ie apologising but making it your fault. If you take him back at that point, you're just setting yourself up for this pattern to continue multiple times and in multiple ways until eventually you do and say and think nothing without his express permission.

The fact that you did apologise, kept begging him to talk to you etc etc makes me think that if it's the latter, he will definitely be back because he's already learnt that you will accept responsibility for his actions. Please OP, stay strong. Find that anger other PP have been talking about.

I could’ve written your post. It’s so similar to an experience I had it’s actually a bit freaky. I don’t know why men do this.

Take good care of yourself. I agree with previous posters, there’s no going back now. It does get easier

PerfectlyImperfectx what happened with your situation? I thought we had matured. We seemed so perfect.

I've crumbled and I'm crying at my desk like a fool. Honestly. I promise i will find the strength, just not today.

Hi OP. My friend went through something similar... turns out he had met someone else (hadn't crossed the line into physically cheating but definitely emotional and something he obviously decided was worth pursuing) and he blew up on her in a similar manner. I think it's a guilt thing, it makes them feel like they have permission to go off and begin a relationship with someone else immediately. I don't know if this is the same situation, but I definitely think when people react this way, it's guilt driven.

Do you have any mutual friends who can help shed light on it?

AramintaLee thank you for shedding some light on your friend's experience, I hope she is doing well now.

I am good friends with his friends but I wouldn't class them as mutual friends as I do believe they will stand by him no matter what which sucks, so I don't feel as though I could talk to them about whats happened.

Oh sweetheart I'm so so sorry. I can totally relate to how your feeling, I've been there in the past. That horrible sicky gut feeling, not able to concentrate on anything else. It's easier said than done telling you not to contact him, not wanting to stalk his social media trying to figure out what's going on. Only advice I can really give his try and stay as busy as possible, deep clean your home, cook, go for a walk/run, call up one of your girlfriends and get it all out. It's going to take a long time.
Remember none of this is your fault. If he does eventually contact you stand your ground and don't apologise it's him who should be.
Big hugs xxx

It sounds like he definitely set up the situation as he wanted to finish it - but wanted it to look like YOUR fault.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you hear he’s seeing someone else very shortly.
You sound sweet Op - and honestly, if he behaves like that (sounds like he gets very scary when angry or things aren’t going his way) you’ve had a lucky escape.

lauramatth87 Thank you, Laura, you are so kind. It's true, I've been at work all day but I haven't really been here if you know what I mean.
To bring some kind of peace of mind I've deactivated any social media accounts, for now, to prevent me from snooping and becoming obsessive so the power is truly in his hands to contact me.
I just want to go home and curl up into a ball xx

@PerfectlyImperfectx

I could’ve written your post. It’s so similar to an experience I had it’s actually a bit freaky. I don’t know why men do this.

Take good care of yourself. I agree with previous posters, there’s no going back now. It does get easier

Because they have no emotional spine. The anger is due to guilt. They want to end the relationship but make it seem like it is your fault and avoid actually having to say something as simple as, "I don't want to see you any more." They are pathetic and it really does follow a sort of predictable script. You see the same behaviour down the line with married men who want to leave and see someone else (if they aren't already) but instead of being honest they gaslight the woman into thinking she's unloving/hostile/crazy/whatever they need to say to shift blame so they don't have to take responsibility for anything.

This isn't a waste of time though OP. Just learn from it so you can recognise this shit in future. Hope you're ok.

Instead he manufactured an atmosphere

This is exactly what he did OP.
Please don’t sit around waiting for him to contact you (which is what it sounds a bit like you’re doing)
YOU take control and make the decision it’s over for good, whether he tries to contact you or not. Once you’ve reconciled yourself with that you will be able to move on much more easily.
Would you ever treat him the way he treated you? No, because you’re nice and you care about him. He doesn’t care about you to act that way - he just wanted to get you out of there and didn’t care how awful he made you feel. Get angry now and think “fuck him”! Arsehole.

Newbie69 So sorry, that sounds horrible.

Please know you did nothing wrong. Sticking around and trying to talk about it is much more normal behaviour than frothing at the mouth with rage because you want your girlfriend to leave and can't explain why. That's actually very embarrassing for him...(the dressing gown??)

Please remember that if you did take him back you'd just be waiting for him to kick off again, now he's shown he's capable of acting like such a twat.

A summer of less restrictions is on it's way so you look forward to that and the potential of meeting another grown up you can have fun with x

missmoz Oh my god, thank you so much because I think that's the first laugh I've had all weekend! the dressing gown part is definitely imprinted in my mind for a long time.

Thank you so much for your words, I can only hope that things are that easy, at the moment it doesn't feel it too much xx

A couple of things occured to me whilst reading your first post. Is it possible he had taken some drugs that could have changed his behaviour?

If he had very quickly apologised, then I would say that everyone can have bad days, and people often take it out on those closest to them. But he has continued this behaviour, and not been apologetic at all. This has crossed a line.

I'm afraid that I agree with pp that I would strongly suspect he's met someone else and was manufacturing an argument.

You'll now be going through a grieving process. Be kind to yourself.

Hi OP, this is such a calculated move on his part. You did nothing wrong, and my guess is he wants some time to play the field and then come back and tell you he 'forgives' you.

There was a thread early last year that may offer you some strength during this period of heartbreak and confusion. The OP was dumped by text completely out of the blue, and went through a maelstrom of emotions over the following days/weeks/ months. It's an inspirational thread......... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text?postsby=user1471427667&fromid=93271364

*There are many possibilities here; he has met someone else and feels guilty, he had a traumatic experience and can't talk about it, he's a drug addict and had a relapse, he heard something about your past and didn't like it...

But what all of the possible scenarios have in common is they are out of your control. No amount of trying to solve the mystery will do it, only he knows what's going on with him.

You can only control your own boundaries and standards. So draw a line firmly now - you will not accept blame for something you had no part in, you will not be dragged into begging for crumbs, you will not be interested in a man who does treat you well, you will not obsess over someone who treats your feelings so carelessly.

You know you deserve better than this. Whatever is behind it all will be revealed at some stage - it always is.

If you engage with this drama now you are setting a precedent for your entire relationship.

Don't worry about the pleading messages, what's done is done. You were worried about him. Well he knows you are now so no more you can do.

I know it's so hard but walk away. He doesn't deserve you.

And also - this is just something that leaped out at me from your post - your 'story' of how you got together (I don't mean it's made up, i mean story in the sense it's a concise summary) is incredibly romantic. I am often wary of a romantic story clouding our judgement. Just because it started off with lots of fanfare and buildup does not mean he gets a free pass to behave in an unacceptable manner*

sillysandy this is such good and wise advice.

And I agree that romantic relationships are not necessarily happy ones and happy ones are not necessarily romantic.

I'd also add that although this has been a shock coming apparently out of the blue, that's kind of a good thing. He was abusive to you just once, and it won't be happening again.

how odd. So sorry OP. That must have been awful. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong AT ALL.
As hard as it must be to come to terms with, he's not the man you thought he was...if he loved you he would have tried to make some amends by now. Asking to talk about what happened is a normal and mature response from you and the fact that he won't speaks volumes.

Give yourself time to feel all the feels...but remember...it sounds like you've had a VERY lucky escape. don't let him slither back in with feeble excuses.

The fact that his first instinct was to block you on Instagram makes me think he saw something he didn’t like on there or that someone tagged or posted something he didn’t want you to see and was waiting for your reaction in case you’d seen it.

Either way, the silent treatment and the lack of any sensible discussion means that he’s not a good person to be in a relationship with. Tying you up in knots until you don’t know whether you’ve even done something wrong or not is the actions of an abuser.

He is either trying to wear you down to absolutely nothing and controlling you emotionally . This is what they do they make you suffer so you lose all your confidence and then in a few days he will say he's forgiven you and you will run back apologising saying it's all your fault you won't do it again blah blah or there is someone else on the agender . If I was you and from experience I would leave it there . This will just get worse for you ❤️