Still love someone who tried to / did cheat

[Stilllovehim01]

Posted before under different username ages ago . In a nut shell was in a relationship 15+ yrs married kids etc. We split up and divorced as he was abusive. Later on I met someone else (started as friends - grew into more) were happy or I was and he said he was. All good for 14 months then I found texts. Showed he had called sex workers. Denied anything had happened and I had no proof. We split then got back together for a while then he ended it again. Said he had ruined things , that the trust would never come back , my family would all hate him he had let me down and treated me badly etc. He also said he wanted his own kids one day and I can’t medically have anymore . Me and my kids love him. He’s been here for all the things in our lives birthday Christmases holidays etc plus day to day. Doesn’t live with me though.

We split but stayed in touch as friends. Friends only. Not been sleeping together . The longer it goes on the more I miss him. It actually physically hurts . I saw him yesterday as he came over for dinner and he was showing me something on his phone and I saw the app for tinder on there. I felt very upset and he said I am not getting any younger (he 32) and if I want to settle down and have kids of my own I need to look and try and meet someone.

He then also said when we started talking about wverything he still loves me cares about me and us all and misses me. Loves spending time with us all. But is scared if we try again his feelings of wanting his own kids will still be there and we could split again years down the line which will be harder on everyone or that he could end up resenting me.

He also says he doesn’t deserve another chance as he’s hurt me too much and us not being together is best for both of us in the long run. I love him so very much . We talked a lot and he said some days he’s made the right decision and other days he questions it and wishes we were together

I want us to work on things as I think we could be happy again if we gave it a proper go. He said he just needs time to think as he needs to sort himself out . He’s gone to work today and I won’t see him now probably until next week as he’s spending the weekend with family. I miss him so much already and I am trying not to message or crowd or put pressure on him. My anxiety is so bad today I have come home and gone to bed (I am on annual leave ) I feel sick sweaty want to keep crying. I just want this pain to go away and for us to be happy again

It's a sunny day here, what's the weather like with you? Could you get out for a walk or run with/without the dc?

I know you won't feel like it, but fresh air and exercise might help the anxiety feelings - it's stress hormones and adrenalin flooding through you, which are for fight & flight.

I reached out as I felt weak I admit it and yes it’s like a druggie wanting a fix as I felt better for a short time after exchanging a couple of messages.

Now the anxiety sick feelings etc are all building up again. I have text my brother and reached out and opened up about how I am feeling and how I am struggling. So trying to talk to someone in RL . I nearly broke down in tears on the school run

The person I am crying over is the one I want to make it all better. I know that’s madness but also normal when you lose someone (no matter how unsuitable they might be )

@Stilllovehim01

I reached out as I felt weak I admit it and yes it’s like a druggie wanting a fix as I felt better for a short time after exchanging a couple of messages.

Now the anxiety sick feelings etc are all building up again. I have text my brother and reached out and opened up about how I am feeling and how I am struggling. So trying to talk to someone in RL . I nearly broke down in tears on the school run

The person I am crying over is the one I want to make it all better. I know that’s madness but also normal when you lose someone (no matter how unsuitable they might be )

Well done speaking to your brother.

Please stop trying to talk to this guy, please. Every time you do it you are hurting yourself and making it worse.

Yeah I know. Just miss him and that future in my head like others said

My brother hasn’t Replied. And again as others said upthread it’s not because I bend everyone’s ear about it. I haven’t spoken to him about this at all

STEP UP FFS!!

Your children need a mum not a self indulgent emotional wreck. You CAN do it alone and you really shouldn't be in ANY relationship until this need to have a man in your life (no matter how much of a fucking wasteman he is) is gone.

Block this piece of shits number ffs and stop indulging this pity trip you're on, or is this what you want for your life?? There's only one way to fix this - CUT ALL CONTACT.

I have managed to have some toast last night and a little cereal this morning. I am trying to hold on through today my children are going out with their dad for the day and I will be home on my own. My anxiety is still horrific. Physically I feel absolutely awful still feel sick sweaty etc . I am trying so hard to hold on through this pain

So today you need a plan for yourself.

• Have you got some friends you could call or meet up with?

• Did you look at the Mind link I gave you yesterday? it has some tools and strategies you can try to help you today: www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/

It's a sunny day here again, how about for you? You could get out of the house and do something nice.

You need to take charge of your own self-care today and make some real efforts not to spiral.

@Stilllovehim01

I have managed to have some toast last night and a little cereal this morning. I am trying to hold on through today my children are going out with their dad for the day and I will be home on my own. My anxiety is still horrific. Physically I feel absolutely awful still feel sick sweaty etc . I am trying so hard to hold on through this pain

Well done for having breakfast, it'll make you feel less shaky than you would do otherwise.

What's your plan for today while the kids are out? Nice walk? Bath? Secret yummy lunch you don't have to share with them?!

And do you think that movie night we mentioned might be a good way of keeping them entertained with less pressure on you, but still meaning you won't be alone? That might be nice for tonight or tomorrow

I have had a bath . Now sat in bed but dressed and have blinds open for sunlight to come in. I might be able to have something to eat with someone I know later. I really can’t stomach much so maybe just a hot drink. I have told them how I am feeling and why but I feel embarrassed to see them. They probably pity me . I would be better to cancel and just deal with this on my own as I must seem a laughing stock .

I looked at the mind page. I even did the task on there where you write down your exact true feelings then press submit and it’s wiped. I have got out co dependant no more to dip in and out of today.

I am really trying to sit tight and ride it out. My children’s lives would be ruined if I went. But I feel so so sad for them. They deserve so much better than me. My eldest is upset at the relationship ending. I have let everyone down

Well done, keep going

You haven't let anyone down. You seem to have an odd perception that you need to be in a relationship or you're letting your kids down? You need to unpick that, it's very strange to me. You and your kids are a complete family unit just as you are.

You are a survivor of an abusive marriage. That makes you brave and
strong in my book.

You are struggling with the end of a relationship in which you have been treated really badly. But you can come through that as well.

Op I'm.no MH expert bug you sound like you're suffering from anxiety and depression.

Have you had much help with that?

That's the main problem.

Seems like that is making it much harder for you to deal with the ex issue well.

The reality is that you can't be friends with him, at this time (or possibly any time) because you have feelings and they haven't reduced enough. It's not helping at all to keep seeing him and involving him with your family. It's stopping you from getting to a good place.

Your kids may be disappointed but they'll get over it. So many people have had to end relationships with partners who've spent time with their kids/integrated a bit with their family ... You're not alone in that and you're not to blame.

Have you got a steady routine, are you getting out for lots of light in the morning/early afternoon? Have you got things you can distract yourself with/absorb yourself? Have you had counselling? There's a thread on here in aibu I think about all the things that people feel have helped them with depression and anxiety.

Not going out loads but getting light on through windows by pulling the blinds right up.

Yes I think my real issue is depression and anxiety and this issue with both exes has just brought it to the fore . I. Guess I feel there’s something wrong with me that people treat me badly then leave. If they loved me enough they would stay. That’s the core of my thinking it might sound stupid and nuts but that’s where my brain is at. I feel rejected and unwanted is the truth.

I guess I Take my self worth from someone wanting to me with me. I spend all my time trying to make others happy. I am the classic woman who loves too much. Worrying about what others might or might not do and if I could do better. I blame myself for everything . In my mind if my ex loved me enough he would be here trying to make things right . If he loved me enough it wouldn’t matter that he can’t have kids with me. He wouldn’t want to lose me

Did you grow up in a difficult home? What sort of relationships did you see growing up?

People-pleasing is a common trap for women to fall into, but it is not an inevitable consequence of being a woman. You can build better boundaries for the future.

It's not your fault that you have had these experiences - sometimes people don't have good "shark cages" for reasons like abuse or neglect in childhood or abandonment or abusive relationships late in life etc. Read this and see if it has any resonance for you? www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I Guess I feel there’s something wrong with me that people treat me badly then leave. If they loved me enough they would stay.

This is at the core of your issues. Because you feel this way, you attract people who can manipulate your fear of abandonment and your belief that if someone doesn't want you, there must be something wrong with you and you will never find someone who does want you.

CBT would be really beneficial to you, to recognise that pattern of thinking but more importantly to challenge it and start replacing it with new patterns of thinking.

For example, you may work towards thinking "because of my past trauma, I am at risk of people playing on my insecurities which will cause new trauma and make me even more vulnerable. My self worth must therefore be in my hands only, with someone else being able to lift me up and add to my happiness but I will ensure my baseline level of self worth and happiness is not reliant on a relationship - so they can lift me up even further but never take me below that baseline."

OP I think it's time you considered some sort of medical intervention here. All this talk of your children's lives would be ruined if you went is not healthy. There has been 3 threads now all of the same content & in all of them you are repeatedly intent on indulging on this self pity trip as a pp stated. It's not healthy & it's quite distressing to read. I may have been harsh with my previous replies but that was an attempt to try to wake you up & make you see what you are doing here. I mean this with kindness op, you need some serious help here. Take care of yourself

Yes I know I need serious proper help. I was doing ok for a while hence the gap in time on the threads but it’s all come crashing down. I am holding on as tight as I can. I am not a bad person I am really really trying. I have emailed a couple of counsellors in my area today with a brief outline of my issues and trying to get the ball rolling with some sessions ASAP. It’s day 3 of the new meds sertraline. Everyone has their breaking point. At work earlier in the year I witnessed a traumatic death and that has also added to everything mentally. Again it’s that fight or flight thing. I work in a job which involves helping others looking after people and dealing with people with serious mental issues and those who can be abusive. I am good at being there for others. I guess it just shines a light that j am there for others but I have no one there emotionally for me at the end of the day . Appreciate those who are continuing to engage with me here while I come back and update. It really does mean a lot

Day 3 sertraline is a huge achievement. If you can hold on for 10 days, you're probably going to feel better from there, possibly earlier.

I understand about the eating. I'm the same, I find it so hard to eat when I'm in that horrible break-the-addiction part of a breakup. Can I suggest milkshakes, lattes, hot chocolate with whipped cream, smoothies with nut butter or avocado. Drinking your calories is so much easier. Adding fat (e.g. cream, ice cream, peanut butter, avocado) is good because its low volume but high calories. Also, sweet things taste less sweet when cold, meaning more palatable even when very high in calories, so the ideal is a cold, sugary high fat drink. Milkshakes are my go-to.

Don't try to eat healthy, just try to eat high calorie for the next few days. The more calories you get in there, the better you will feel, honest. Its a bit like getting through chemotherapy.

I'm so glad you're seeing someone today.

Everyone here wants the best for you. I understand your feelings about being unwanted. I really do. You're longing for the unconditional love of a very good parent... looking for it from romantic partners, who can only love you (and anyone else) conditionally. It is a very difficult thing, that longing, because it causes you to feel so let down by ordinary men who are loving you in a normal way. It can make you feel so mixed up.

This isn't the time for solutions, its the time for survival right now, but I want you to know I do understand where you are coming from, and ive been there. Xx

I Guess I feel there’s something wrong with me that people treat me badly then leave. If they loved me enough they would stay.

Who is people?

You've only mentioned your ex husband/partner and this guy.

You've said your ex was abusive - did I read somewhere that he told you no-one would love you, or you were unlovable or done such shit? - yeah he definitely sounds like a classic abuser. That line's standard.

And this guy - the two main issues seem to be that while he clearly enjoyed/got something out of some aspects of your relationship; he's not ready to or capable of settling down in a serious monogamous relationship .. plus he'd like kids of his own one day and you couldn't have any more. Neither of those things has anything to do with your "loveability".

Some people fall for us, some people don't. You're looking at a sample of two, one of whom was an abuser .. and one is an immature, kinda flaky guy whose life "goals" are incompatible with you. He also lacks integrity by the way (the prostitute lookup/possible use and the probable cheating, and the way he acted to.his mates about deceiving you).

In fact even if you could have more kids, I wouldn't be advising you to have them with him - not by a fucking long shot. Due to his little tendencies to use Colombian marching powder, to look up sex workers, to possibly cheat etc .. I wouldn't be advising any woman to be involved with him, let alone have kids with him. Maybe he'll grow up and wise up, maybe he won't. He's a poor bet.

I'm sure he's a "nice" guy in some ways and has some good qualities, nearly everyone does, but he's still a poor bet and he's not suitable for you.

It sounds like you need to everything you can to build up a support network and social network etc so you're not talking back on him for company because you're lonely etc.

*do everything

If I'm correct in thinking your abusive ex rolled out the whole "no one will ever love you, you're unlovable" line (how original, never heard that one before) ... Its possible you felt this relationship (is it the first serious one since the one with him ended?) had to succeed or it would prove him right.

But what he said is total bullshit so it doesn't matter; there are relationships that have legs and relationships that don't, due to a large number of factors ... it was a crap shoot which type you were going to encounter (in fact for all of us it's more likely we'd encounter one that didn't, simply because there are more incompatible people & situations than there are compatible), it means nothing.

As above, this guy is currently not a great candidate for a loving, committed, monogamous, settled relationship ... And in the long-term, even if he became one, you have the incompatibility around children. There are men who also already have children, don't want more .. and they are much more suited to you for a relationship.

You've got caught up in trying to make him commit to you, with "winning" to prove your ex wrong; but it's ridiculous because a. What your ex said is bullshit, and b. I dont think this guy would be a good, committed partner even to a woman who could have (more) kids with him, let alone when you're both aware that long-term he wouldn't have kids of his own with you.

Back on the loveability thing; I've been rejected in relationships/potential relationships (as most of us have) and I've rejected people.
If I think about ending the relationship with one guy, I would never ever have said something like "noone will.ever live you (because don't), yours unlovable" etc because a. I'm not a nasty, abusive ct and b. Because I couldn't possibly know that. Not about him. Not about anyone. Noone with a tap of sense would.
So your ex either doesnt have a tap of fkg sense and/or he was saying it to hurt and traumatise you, because he's an abuser.
Given we know he's an abuser .. that fits.

Just because someone (particularly someone with an agenda to hurt and abuse another person) says something, doesn't mean it's true. You don't need to prove him wrong, you don't need to prove he anything. He's clearly a damaged, nasty, fked up individual and what he says or thinks is flawed.

*"no-one will ever love you (because I don't)"

On a different subject op, you sound like you have quite a bit of stress/potential trauma through work; can you access any counselling through work?

The Sertraline can take a while to work OP, I know from past experience. They are fantastic for anxiety too.

I can’t for the trauma. However I have today found a counsellor who does EMDR near me. She’s away at the moment which isn’t ideal but I can see her for a FAce to face in two weeks time.

Yes it hurts him trying to meet and soon will be going on dates or nights out with someone new. Getting those feelings for someone else and spending time with them. He probably wants someone a bit younger who’s fun will go drinking and partying. I was too boring as well . Used to look forward to the nights he came round to mine. We would have dinner all together and play board games or watch a film. It was lovely and felt so nice to have someone giving me a hug on the sofa and us all having fun. Yes I am doing that with my children. Watching a film on the sofa tonight but deep down it’s not quite the same. And people will agree otherwise everyone in the world would stay single and no one would want someone to share their life with.

As I said before I think he liked the safe secure family life and feeling cared about almost mothered. But once out pubbing and clubbing the other side came out. He’s gone away with family this weekend and I know for fact he’s taken drugs with him for the weekend. Pre planned . None of the ppl he’s with touch them so it’s for him to do while he’s drinking. It just makes me sad