Still love someone who tried to / did cheat

[Stilllovehim01]

Posted before under different username ages ago . In a nut shell was in a relationship 15+ yrs married kids etc. We split up and divorced as he was abusive. Later on I met someone else (started as friends - grew into more) were happy or I was and he said he was. All good for 14 months then I found texts. Showed he had called sex workers. Denied anything had happened and I had no proof. We split then got back together for a while then he ended it again. Said he had ruined things , that the trust would never come back , my family would all hate him he had let me down and treated me badly etc. He also said he wanted his own kids one day and I can’t medically have anymore . Me and my kids love him. He’s been here for all the things in our lives birthday Christmases holidays etc plus day to day. Doesn’t live with me though.

We split but stayed in touch as friends. Friends only. Not been sleeping together . The longer it goes on the more I miss him. It actually physically hurts . I saw him yesterday as he came over for dinner and he was showing me something on his phone and I saw the app for tinder on there. I felt very upset and he said I am not getting any younger (he 32) and if I want to settle down and have kids of my own I need to look and try and meet someone.

He then also said when we started talking about wverything he still loves me cares about me and us all and misses me. Loves spending time with us all. But is scared if we try again his feelings of wanting his own kids will still be there and we could split again years down the line which will be harder on everyone or that he could end up resenting me.

He also says he doesn’t deserve another chance as he’s hurt me too much and us not being together is best for both of us in the long run. I love him so very much . We talked a lot and he said some days he’s made the right decision and other days he questions it and wishes we were together

I want us to work on things as I think we could be happy again if we gave it a proper go. He said he just needs time to think as he needs to sort himself out . He’s gone to work today and I won’t see him now probably until next week as he’s spending the weekend with family. I miss him so much already and I am trying not to message or crowd or put pressure on him. My anxiety is so bad today I have come home and gone to bed (I am on annual leave ) I feel sick sweaty want to keep crying. I just want this pain to go away and for us to be happy again

[cherrybakewelllll]

Cutting contact is for the best in the long run. It's ok to feel this pain and you need to grieve for the loss of what you thought you had or what you thought you wanted. It will be the making of you even if you don't realise it now.

While you're grieving the relationship, don't forget that he's probably on tinder looking for a vessel for his future kids. He's probably sending dick pics to all and sundry.

[Dery]

“I am completely on my own now and I don’t honestly think I can cope. I want to lay down and die and stop this pain”

You’re not on your own, OP. You have your children and they need you. You will get through and beyond this pain and have a wonderful life - at the moment just take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time. Please call The Samaritans now and speak to someone - sharing this will help.

Your feelings about this are so strong that I think you are dealing with unprocessed trauma which is not just about him but about other past experiences. Sorry if I’ve missed it but are you on a waiting list for counselling? If not, you should get yourself referred ASAP. You will be okay, OP. If heartbreak didn’t pass, the whole world would be grieving. In the meantime, focus on your lovely DCs who need their mother and pamper yourself. Get busy and distracted. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

[category12]

You said you were in an abusive relationship previously - dery is probably correct about unprocessed trauma. Please get help and support.

Women's Aid and the freedom programme could help you.

Your gp and counselling services can help you.

[Stilllovehim01]

Yes it may be trauma from elsewhere. When my husband and I split up he told me I would end up on my own I was unloveable so when I met someone else and I was loved it made everything better I guess. I did really care about him and love him. I think in his own way he did me too I think he liked the security of me and my life but missed the fun of being a single young guy. He just says he doesn’t know why he did it and doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

[newnameforthis123]

Please, please accept that he doesn't want to be in your life any more and that's the right thing for everyone - him, you and your kids.

You cannot move on until you cut contact completely, staying in touch is just delaying the pain you'll inevitably have to go through. You need to go through it now, it's time. It's the only way you can come through the other side.

Please call Samaritans, get in touch with your GP and plan some nice, self care things to do (even if just relaxing baths / favourite movies - maybe a movie night with the kids) this weekend.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, it is terrible and we've all been there. I have thought a couple of times after break ups that I would never heal, but with counselling and at times the right medication I came through the other side stronger and with learnings that mean I won't be in an abusive relationship again.

You have to go through this awful bit at some point, and it will be more awful the longer it takes to cut contact. Life sucks sometimes and good people have terrible things and traumatic things happen. Going through the pain and doing the hard work in therapy (I still have top up sessions years on when my trauma is a bit triggered for example) will pay off, I promise

[newnameforthis123]

In counselling, you need to explore ways to shift the focus from him. What I mean by that is you don't need to know why he did the things he did, you need to know why you accepted it and it wasn't enough to cut contact yourself - that's what you need to focus on with a good counsellor to stop yourself being vulnerable to abuse and toxicity again.

[IJustWantSomeBees]

OP, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Please talk to someone qualified if you feel suicidal, and seek emotional support from your loved ones. You are not a burden and I'm sure they would want to know if you were struggling and needed them

I know it's not much comfort but if you ever want to talk you can message me, just please don't stay alone with these thoughts

[newnameforthis123]

And we are here - we can help you always have someone to talk to so you aren't alone

[category12]

Thing is, your new relationship was a sticking plaster for the gaping psychological wounds from the previous abuse. It's such an easy trap to fall into, to enter another relationship that makes you feel good to start with, but actually you need to rebuild what was taken from you by the abuse yourself, not fill the gap with another bloke.

Because, as you see now, when that goes wrong, it's worse than ever. And you end up tolerating absolute shit from a man and begging for more. He's not the answer to your unhappiness or the damage inflicted on you in the past, no man is. You need to do the long term work on repairing your self-worth and dealing with the trauma.

[Stilllovehim01]

Would it be cbt I am looking for ? The last counsellor I saw I had an hours session once and week and it was literally me talking and her saying I was strong and had survived so much . I think I need something more intense than that. I want to look today and get the ball rolling ASAP I can’t take this pain

[Stilllovehim01]

I have enormous feelings and issues around abandonment. Which essentially when a relationship fails and someone leaves your life it taps into those same feelings. I have also read why does he do that , co dependant no more and women who love too much. I have really really tried. But when I am now feeling physical pain and can’t sleep etc it’s too much to cope with

[newnameforthis123]

@Stilllovehim01

Would it be cbt I am looking for ? The last counsellor I saw I had an hours session once and week and it was literally me talking and her saying I was strong and had survived so much . I think I need something more intense than that. I want to look today and get the ball rolling ASAP I can’t take this pain

This is brilliant - see you're starting to think about this stuff and power change - well done!

To be honest I always find the first few sessions are word vomit to sort of allow the counsellor to get a grasp of what's happened - when you've been through a lot that can take a few sessions, they'll guide your thinking but the word vomit (and crying) thing is necessary.

I have found CBT amazing for overcoming trauma. I also found EDMR really useful for specific traumatic instances, it reduces the gutpunch feeling you get when remembering things. That might be something consider too.

[category12]

That's brilliant that you're going to get the ball rolling . People often recommend EMDR with trauma on here, but maybe your gp could advise?

[Stilllovehim01]

Gp says the meds can take up to 2 weeks so I need to give them time. I have spent today on the sofa curled in a ball trying to sleep as much as I can and shut everything out. The pain hits me within a second of waking up . I just want to lay here and shut my eyes and never wake up

[category12]

It won't always feel like this, you will turn a corner.

Help in a crisis: www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/

Samaritans: www.samaritans.org/

Freedom Programme: freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php

[Savemyusername]

Are you able to look after your children op? Do you have someone who can be with you this weekend?

[Stilllovehim01]

I can do the basics. I don’t have anyone who can come and stay with me and also I don’t want to alert them to the fact anything is wrong with me.

[Stilllovehim01]

I appreciate the support here today. I genuinely don’t have anyone I can talk to in real life and I feel absolutely alone and trapped with these thoughts and feelings both physical and emotional. This is the only place I can talk and interact with others so I do appreciate it

[newnameforthis123]

Can you tell the kids you're feeling poorly and tired so have asked someone to come over and give you a hand? Maybe that other person is feeling a bit low too and so can they help you cheer them up by being really good? Or alternatively can you plan a really chilled weekend with them that will be nice for them but not require you to be 'on' all the time? Maybe let them each pick a movie and have a movie day tomorrow? The weather will be shit so you can have snacks and maybe a takeaway and bring loads of blankets and pillows down so you can all get comfy?

[Stilllovehim01]

Yes films could work. If I could stop the physical anxiety feelings it would be better. Ex has said he wishes there was more he could do to help but he cares about me and hopes I will be ok. I crumbled and send a text just saying I was massively struggling. I have to go and pick my kids up now. I just want to climb in a big hole and stop everything

[newnameforthis123]

@Stilllovehim01

Yes films could work. If I could stop the physical anxiety feelings it would be better. Ex has said he wishes there was more he could do to help but he cares about me and hopes I will be ok. I crumbled and send a text just saying I was massively struggling. I have to go and pick my kids up now. I just want to climb in a big hole and stop everything

Mention propranolol when you speak to your GP, they stop the physical symptoms of anxiety so that you can take a breath and focus on coping without having to fight the physical symptoms.

Please stop messaging him, every time you do you set yourself back and add to the pain you'll have to go through eventually. Start the process of going through that pain today otherwise you're just delaying the inevitable.

You're both manipulating each other in a way as you know it's over but neither will let go. This is madness, you need to see that now and cut contact. I would message him saying that having a way of communicating is delaying the inevitable so you're going to block him and want him to block you too and not get in touch.

You've said to him you're struggling and the next thing you know you'll be hanging out 'as friends' to help you through it and the cycle will start again.

The person you're breaking up with can never, ever be the person who helps you through that break up. It never works.

Try the film idea, make a massive comfy space for you and the kids and just be comfy and escape into the movies a bit. Crap food, big cuddles, with the people you need to focus on - the kids and you

[Rgy3250999]

Do you want someone to call social services so they can intervene? They will if they’re aware that you are allowing your children to be around a drug user! Don’t you care about them? How can you be so besotted with a druggie and want your children to play happy families with this man? No self-respecting woman would get with a man like this! Why do you think he’s some kind of catch and someone to chase?

[KLF6]

Just need to go cold turkey. He will be doing this on purpose. Nothing will change if you don’t change it.

[KinseyWinsey]

He's really not a great guy.

He is however, really great at manipulating you with a few kind words, isn't he?

But if you're happy to be the one he uses time and time again, go for it. He will find someone else. He will shit on you again, 'friends' or whatever.

And it'll be for the rest of your life. Because you'll allow it.

Don't be a sucker.