Still love someone who tried to / did cheat

[Stilllovehim01]

Posted before under different username ages ago . In a nut shell was in a relationship 15+ yrs married kids etc. We split up and divorced as he was abusive. Later on I met someone else (started as friends - grew into more) were happy or I was and he said he was. All good for 14 months then I found texts. Showed he had called sex workers. Denied anything had happened and I had no proof. We split then got back together for a while then he ended it again. Said he had ruined things , that the trust would never come back , my family would all hate him he had let me down and treated me badly etc. He also said he wanted his own kids one day and I can’t medically have anymore . Me and my kids love him. He’s been here for all the things in our lives birthday Christmases holidays etc plus day to day. Doesn’t live with me though.

We split but stayed in touch as friends. Friends only. Not been sleeping together . The longer it goes on the more I miss him. It actually physically hurts . I saw him yesterday as he came over for dinner and he was showing me something on his phone and I saw the app for tinder on there. I felt very upset and he said I am not getting any younger (he 32) and if I want to settle down and have kids of my own I need to look and try and meet someone.

He then also said when we started talking about wverything he still loves me cares about me and us all and misses me. Loves spending time with us all. But is scared if we try again his feelings of wanting his own kids will still be there and we could split again years down the line which will be harder on everyone or that he could end up resenting me.

He also says he doesn’t deserve another chance as he’s hurt me too much and us not being together is best for both of us in the long run. I love him so very much . We talked a lot and he said some days he’s made the right decision and other days he questions it and wishes we were together

I want us to work on things as I think we could be happy again if we gave it a proper go. He said he just needs time to think as he needs to sort himself out . He’s gone to work today and I won’t see him now probably until next week as he’s spending the weekend with family. I miss him so much already and I am trying not to message or crowd or put pressure on him. My anxiety is so bad today I have come home and gone to bed (I am on annual leave ) I feel sick sweaty want to keep crying. I just want this pain to go away and for us to be happy again

[Stilllovehim01]

I still haven’t contacted him today. I will pick up my script shortly and begin the new meds. And look for counselling I can access some sessions through work

[Stilllovehim01]

The children literally have no idea. When we’re all together we are happy we do normal things . They literally have no clue and I protect them from my life and feelings
As far as everyone who knows me knows it’s all good I am happy smiling working getting on great. I keep it all hidden inside. Probably far too much. As soon as he was here yesterday kids were asking when he’s coming over next and asking to do certain things w at ch a certain film go to the park all of us

[Savemyusername]

Well that’s not healthy for a start. Why are you all acting like happy families?

You’re sorting out your meds, great, but what’s that got to do with ending the relationship with this bloke?

[Stilllovehim01]

Sorting the meds might help my anxiety and in turn help me feel stronger

[malbecchio]

Why the hell are you further enmeshing your children's lives with this man?! Having him round playing happy families is a pathetic attempt to try and win him back.

Be honest, if it wasn't for his porn/sex worker addiction which causes him problems with "death grip" as you grimly shared with us in one of your previous threads, you'd be happily sleeping with him as well as cooking/entertaining him with your kids used as emotional pawns, wouldn't you?! Desperation oozes from your posts so I'd lay money on you trying to "seduce" him on at least one occasion when he's over at yours playing house.

And like hell do the kids not know something's wrong, they're what, 6, 12, 15? You're regularly coming home from work in tears and, by your own words, devastated and in pain?!

Of course they know something's wrong. Their mother isn't protecting them from her shambolic romantic choices, that's what's wrong. So, so wrong.

[malbecchio]

@Stilllovehim01

I certainly wouldn’t get involved with anyone who was partnered or had kids so that wouldn’t happen. I actually think if he had a family he would be pretty dedicated to them and wouldn’t jeopardise it. Maybe he’s looking for something I can’t give him and I just need to accept I can’t make him happy

But you're desperate to get involved with a drug using, porn-addicted, cheated-on-you-multiple-times-with-prostitutes, emotional leech.....?! Rightio.

[Stilllovehim01]

I have been honest about absolutely everything that’s gone on and taken the rightful criticism . I wouldn’t lie about this. I haven’t and will not sleep with him or anyone who isn’t in a relationship with me. Because I know it will make my pain 100x worse nor would I be seducing him. I have no reason to lie about that .

I have to let him go. I know I do as sad as it is making me . It just hurts grieving the loss of the future I thought we would have.

[newnameforthis123]

The children literally have no idea. When we’re all together we are happy we do normal things

It's not normal for them to continue to spend so much time with a man who isn't their father and isn't in a relationship with their mother. Especially when as soon as he gets a new partner they won't see him for dust. Especially when he's a drug using sex worker using man who has nearly destroyed their mums mental health.

You're behaving like you're deluded but I can't tell if you genuinely don't see it or if you're just so desperate not to let him go you're making excuses even though you know it's ridiculous.

You are not protecting your kids because your mental health is suffering hugely by the presence of someone you are voluntarily keeping in your lire (and theirs) you are obsessed with him, you cry about him frequently, your judgements and boundaries are unhealthy and toxic. All of that means their mother is absent to some extent, your mind is elsewhere, you aren't building a resilient and stable future..,

Can you really not see that he shouldn't be in your life or your kids lives? Genuinely I can't understand if you see that but don't want it to be true, or if you don't really can't see it?

[newnameforthis123]

You would sleep with him if he told you he loves you and wants to be together again. I'm sorry but you would.

[Anordinarymum]

OP You are right. he does not deserve another chance.

[Stilllovehim01]

Yes deep down I know he will be gone once he meets someone else. He said months ago and since he won’t. That we will always be friends and he will always care about us all but no woman would put up with her partner keeping the ex in the picture and exes kids. Deep down I know that. I just don’t feel strong enough or brave enough to let go being honest

[Stilllovehim01]

For those months he loved me and I was happy . I am mourning that. I feel invisible and under a lot of stress day to day and for that short time to have someone love and care about me was nice

[Stilllovehim01]

I feel so sorry for my children. They deserve better than me and I am sorry I have let them all down. I just wanted us to all be happy again and I have failed. I feel so low

[darkparadise]

I don't think there was any need for some of the shitty comments you've had op. It is hard when you love someone. It sounds like you realise he's bad for you on some level though which is good

[newnameforthis123]

You can only meet someone nice and loving and genuine if you cut this toxic man out of your life and stop exposing the kids to him. The longer he's around the harder it will be for the kids when he disappears, which he will. Please please get some counselling, life doesn't have to be like this. There are millions of men out there, stop putting your life on hold and damaging your mental health for just one of them. I truly hope you can cut him off, tell him you can't move forward with him in your life so you're going to block him. Then mourn the relationship, grieve through it. The only way past pain is going through it, you can't avoid it you can only put it on hold and allow it to be worse when you go through it later on. Don't do that - cut the cord yourself, go through the pain and you'll come out the other side. Use your kids as your motivation if you feel weak

[artyandtarty]

It's so clear this all about you. You don't care for shielding your kids from him confusing you all, you are confusing them & setting a poor example of what boundaries should look like. You are extremely selfish OP. You don't give a fuck about what is best for your kids. What should be clear by now is that this loser disrupts your life, he causes you grief & upset which WILL affect your kids home life no matter how much you deny it & try to explain that they don't notice it.

It's all about you OP isn't it?

[WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC]

Op please stop seeing him and talking to him daily. Stop hanging out with him. Keep him away from your kids. Please, it isn't brain surgery.

You're just causing yourself pain by continuing to stay in touch with him. Nothing will get better while you are still hanging on to him.

[Stilllovehim01]

Been almost a day with no contact. Will go to bed shortly and try and sleep through it

[category12]

You haven't failed - he's the one who turned out to be a jerk.

And adding a bloke into your lives is not the key to your children's happiness. You are. You need to stop obsessing about this man, and start taking care of yourself and enjoying life with the children, being a family unit just as you are.

Well done on no contact today. Same again tomorrow, and bit by bit it will get easier.

[PornStarOvaltini]

Well done op. You are grieving the death of this relationship but with his ghost haunting you. You say your children don't know but I'm sure they sense something is wrong. As other PPs have said, you need - for your sake and theirs - to cut this guy loose. Tell him that you can't cope with this pals situation and go NC. It may be that he realises that it is you (& no biological children) he wants given space. Try and get some clarity and focus for you & your DC. It's hard but....You need to move on. X

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Jesus christ OP this man is literal dog shit, there is no "happiness" to go back to. Were you counselled after your last relationship ended because really it doesn't sound as if you were listening or learning anything.

You are going round in circles ruminating and fixating on something that clear as day is extremely toxic. You seem to have written a completely different story in your head totally detatched from the reality of wthe situation, and are latching onto it for dear life, even to the detriment of your mental health.

Why on earth do you not want better for yourself OP??

[Opentooffers]

Block him no contact and keep him out of your kids lives as you are prolonging their upset as much as your own by trying to be 'friends' - this is not working, you could of been over him by now.

[Stilllovehim01]

He’s contacted me and said he thinks we need to cut all contact . That it’s stopping me moving on and whilst he deserves it I clearly resent him and have a lot of bitterness towards him. And it’s for the best. That it’s not fair on the children seeing me upset .

He’s right but I am devestated. I used to talk to him every day. He was always there and I don’t really have anyone. Yes I have my children but I mean on an emotional supportive level. I don’t have anyone who would call or ring me or text me or check in or talk to me day to day. I am completely on my own now and I don’t honestly think I can cope. I want to lay down and die and stop this pain

[category12]

He's a manipulative little shite and you need to block him. Do it now.

Make yourself a hot sweet tea.
Start moving and getting on with your day.

Please speak to the Samaritans as soon as you can.

Then make yourself an appointment with the gp.