Is it all me?

[KatieRobin]

I know there are far more important things going on in the world, so apologies as this may seem trivial. This is also my first post. After some advice. Have been with my husband for so long now I just don’t know what’s normal. DH is always grumpy. Never wants to talk. Never ever wants to have a back and forth conversation. Just a fun conversation.
Went out to walk our 2 dogs. Were out for 30 minutes and managed to somehow annoy him. Everything I say is wrong. Started saying just casually I wondered what work was going to be like next week. We are both key workers. Got the response of ‘ I don’t know’ I should have just stopped trying to make conversation, guess I was just desperate for some kind of chit chat. Then started saying about what unprecedented times we are living in. He said no it isn’t what about swine flu and aids. I said yes but they didn’t cause a lockdown. He starts getting angry. I don’t know why, maybe because I disagreed. I like normal conversations- like conversations I have with other people where you can have back and forths- you don’t always have to agree in the conversation and that’s fine. If I don’t agree he says I’m questioning him and starts saying that he’s not stupid and that he does know stuff. I just shut up. We walk in silence. When he put the poo bags in the poo bin I thought he’d touched it with his hand and said to be careful about touching it ( due to Covid -19 etc ) he started seething through his teeth saying he’d touched it with his elbow and that he’s not completely stupid, that he does know stuff and that I was really f@#ing pushing him. Then he started raising his voice saying which way are we going now. I just felt so sad that I can’t say a thing, not a thing that creates a normal conversation and the fact that he started saying I was pushing him ( he says this a lot ) I could feel tears in my eyes. I asked how I’m pushing him. He said ‘it’s you, it’s f@%ing you always questioning me’ I said I didn’t think I did at all. I just wanted a nice walk. He just kept banging on that it’s all me and that I treat him like he’s stupid. He even said something like ‘ I don’t go into work dribbling you know. I do know things’ I just don’t understand what I do wrong all the time to deserve to be spoken to like this. I’m in tears as he makes me feel so unloved. Is it me? I just don’t know anymore.

[mamato3lads]

Wow. From where I'm sitting it doesn't sound like it's you one bit.

Has he always been this way? He's being a nasty bully, no wonder you're in tears. Why is he so horrible to you? Has anything happened to trigger this, is he depressed? What's life like for you two...is he ever happy and carefree?

My heart goes out to you. You must feel incredibly lonely. X

[Greenkit]

This covid is bringing out the inner nasty in so many people.

Just leave, you don't need this shit

[NotSorry]

He sounds vile. Does he have any redeeming features?

[willowpatterns]

It's not you at all.

He's an utter bastard and a bully.

[Sparklfairy]

It's not you

It's not clear whether he's always been like this, or the current situation has just made tensions run high. Regardless, he's got no right to silence you, make you feel isolated and like you don't have a voice or can't have an opinion, to shut you down and berate you.

I totally get the tears when you are shut down as well. I remember those days. You feel trapped as you can't speak up because you're 'causing an argument' but the alternative is to feel oppressed and desperately lonely.

Whilst all this mess is going on around us, it may be wise to distance yourself from him and think about leaving when this is all over. I won't suggest reasoning with him or having a 'calm' conversation, not right now anyway. He sounds like he's convinced himself that everything that comes out of your mouth is a personal attack on him and you will wind up making yourself feel much worse.

[KatieRobin]

@mamato3lads your reply has made me cry. I really started to think it was all me. Thank you. I do feel so lonely. Just so alone. I said to him I felt like he was bullying me and he told me ‘no it’s all you’ We’ve been together over 15 years and I feel like I’ve lost my carefree self. I always feel like I’m irritating him. It’s a horrible feeling. It’s too embarrassing to talk about in RL. I know there’s much worse things going on and also people wouldn’t expect it from us or from me ( to let myself be treated this way ) He seems happy with other people - it’s like I just get the rubbish bit. I’ve even said to him I just want a normal conversation or some attention. Feel so foolish, like I’m begging for someone to be nice to me. He really seems to believe it is me and that I’m causing it. I try so hard not to, but whatever I do he gets cross

[KatieRobin]

Thank you so much for your replies. I’m honestly in tears everyone. I really just thought I was going mad and didn’t know how to make it better.
He’s always gone on - for years - about us having our own space and not having to live in each other’s pockets. We don’t. He has been like this for a few years now. Whenever I try to address it he says that it’s obvious we don’t get on. He never wants to try to make it better. I’m just at a loss as what to do. Everything I try makes it worse and he seems to not care. I feel like such a fool for keep trying.

[madcatladyforever]

It's not you. It's time to leave when you can before he crushes your spirit so badly you are not you any more.
I would expect a good conversation with someone I lived with.
Didn't get it with my ex who liked to punish me with silence and was also a know it all who knew nothing. it's great on my own.
Don't doubt yourself he doesn't sound normal to me or if he even likes you.

[KatieRobin]

That’s exactly it @madcatladyforever. I often don’t feel like he is not normal. He tells me all the time that it’s all me and that I constantly question him. I try to say I would talk like this to anyone and it’s a normal conversation to go back and forth. I definitely feel like he doesn’t like me.

[goldpartyhat]

My ex husband was like that. So nice to everyone else. I was so much happier once we divorced.

[minielise]

I have a very similar situation. We were going to go on a walk together today and he made a passing comment on my clothes not matching, so I decided not to go. He then acted like I was being difficult but it just ruined my mood and I knew that whatever I said would be treated similar to how you were treated so didn’t want to put myself through it. I think he’s waiting for me to apologise for my mood currently.
He acts like I treat him him like he’s thick when I try chat about the news saying yes I’ve heard I’m not stupid, or just doesn’t respond and when I ask did you hear me he says yes but I didn’t think you wanted a response - he seems to think I want a relationship where I just make statements at him.

He’s so different around others, he’s the life and soul of the party, but when it’s just me it’s like I’m ruining his life.

[anotherdisaster]

OP it is NOT you, its HIM. Fair enough tensions are high at the moment but sounds like this is the norm for him. He treats you with utter disdain. You deserve so much more than this and not sure why you even bother trying anymore.
My ex was like this. Always grumpy and you could never argue with him. He loved a bit of gaslighting too along with some emotional and financial abuse. I've never been so happy since we split up!!
He is the one ruining your life.

[KatieRobin]

@minielise how to you cope on a daily basis?
I’m exhausted and low.
I feel like I annoy him all the time. Then the logical rational side of my brain says this is not right.
What you said about him acting like you’re ruining his life is so true! Mine acts like he resents me and I have no idea what for!

[KatieRobin]

@anotherdisaster thank you for replying. Honestly, to have people say it’s not me is so strange but reassuring. I was bracing myself to be told on here that it was me.
What you said about him treating me with utter disdain rings so true. It makes me feel pathetic and embarrassed.
I don’t know why I try anymore, maybe because we’ve been together sibling and I don’t know if I could get through a divorce and starting over
Do you mind me asking what happened with you?

[KatieRobin]

So long not sibling!! Autocorrect!!!

[category12]

If he feels like that: "he says that it’s obvious we don’t get on. He never wants to try to make it better." Why are you two staying together? What is it that holds you (or him) there?

I would plan to leave, if I were you. It's no kind of life spending it with someone who doesn't appear to like you.

[minielise]

I was all set to leave a couple of months ago and told my friends and they were saying how much they like him and that maybe it was work stress - I think I regret not going now!
It’s not a nice atmosphere at all, I pull him up on it every time now in the hope that he realises but he says I’m just picking at him, each time I say well if you hadn’t acted like you had there would be nothing to pick at. We’ve got some joint debts that are all in my name but we are paying off together so I think at the moment I’m going to stick around until they are cleared so I’m not left with them.
I’m also keeping busy and making new friends by taking up hobbies so that I don’t have every evening sat at home miserable, then if/when I do leave I’m not in a situation where I’m completely alone going out of my mind.... I will have a routine I can still carry on with.

[Candace19]

I've been here & it's because he wanted out. Also cos he's a massive bell end. He wants you to get fed up & walk away. Sorry.

[Techway]

He is treating you with contempt and that end marriages.

If he is kinder to other people then it isn't medical or depression. It is bullying and a pattern that some people (men) get in to, it's sometimes referred to as devaluing, which is why you feel awful as it is designed to invalidate you.

How old are you? Do you have children? Is he open with his phone?

[KatieRobin]

Thank you for your reply @SonEtLumiere. I’m so careful of how I speak to him. Most of the time in my head I just think is it worth asking or commenting on as he seems to think I’m ‘questioning’ him all the time and I have no idea where that came from. I guess I said that about the poo bin because of the whole Covid-19 situation. As soon as I said it I thought ‘oh no’ as I saw his face. I don’t know if he has a complex with feeling inferior or like he’s looked down on by people .... hence why I’m usually careful with how I word things. I always try to massage his ego to keep him happy. Even as I type that it makes me sound pathetic. Maybe I’ve enabled him, by not standing up for myself enough..... but then when I do stand up for myself I get told I’m crazy or it’s all me or that I’m questioning him .... it’s like catch 22. I genuinely feel I can’t do right for doing wrong. I just want a normal conversation... any old normal conversation. I did wonder about the whole touching the poo bin comment and I know in my mind I’d have said it to anyone with this current situation. It’s the fact that everything has to be an issue with him. We can’t seem to laugh anything off or have differing opinions.

[KatieRobin]

@minielise it’s good that you have a plan. I definitely don’t have a plan. I’ve only just realised maybe it’s not all me. Are your friends supportive now or are they still liking him? My friends have no idea my dh is like this. I’ve never felt able to share fully. Maybe a few moans here and there, but not the full picture.

[KatieRobin]

@category12 at this moment in time I have no idea what is keeping us together. Habit maybe. Fear on my part. Fear of going through a divorce and starting again. I know I can’t spend my life with someone who clearly doesn’t like me, but I keep hoping he will change. What a cliche hey.

[willowmelangell]

That all sounds very lonely and familiar.
An ex of mine would make it pointedly obvious that he found me irritating. I wasn't to talk to him in the morning, when he got in from work, when the tv was on or when he was trying to go to sleep(obviously)
It grinds you down, the lack of caring. Shut up and put up. It is no way to live.
I am single now and chat away to work mates, family etc etc quite merrily. I am not, permanently a little bit sad, anymore.

[minielise]

I think they fee guilty because they’ve realised they are the reason I stayed and I’m still miserable. I’m sick of being told that I’m too sensitive whenever I get upset by something he says, I don’t understand why he can’t see that it’s ever him! The part that bugs me most is that everything his ex put as a reason for divorce is starting to appear, but he still jokes with people that she’s crazy and making it all up.... they all cut her out of their lives believing she was crazy when I'm starting to realise she isn’t.