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Original poster

DH touching me whilst asleep

428 replies

qwertyl · 03/12/2018 22:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now Envy

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/12/2018 12:21

Scattypenny if you continued to do so with your partner asleep or he had said no than yes. But I assume you have never done that.

In all relationships I agree there is a consent of implied consent to initiate sex or starting physical contact - otherwise it would never happen. This though relies on a continued positive response from both parties something that cannot be given if the person is asleep. Within that everyone is different as to boundaries and likes and dislikes but the basic premise remains the same whatever the sexual act or kink is. Consent can always be withdraw and must be freely given.

This though is something else - she has actually said he knew it would be a no if he tried anything and he wanted her to be asleep. The sad truth is the OP was assaulted and then had her assault minimised by women

OP please try and get real life support for this

Mitzimaybe · 04/12/2018 12:27

I have, in fact, put my hands down my sleeping partner's pants in the past...

Am I a rapist? A sexual predator that should be banged up to protect mankind?

If your partner has made it absolutely clear in the past that he/she does not like being touched in a certain way, and does not like being touched intimately when asleep then yes, you are committing sexual assault and should possibly be banged up. It is very worrying that you can't see this.

Momo18 · 04/12/2018 12:36

Hmm myself and my DH have both discussed our boundaries and we like this sort of thing, but the touching leads to us both being awake and deciding to touch and have sex. However what you describe is very different, it sounds like he knows you wouldn't be up for it so he's sneakily doing it. That is the difference between consent and violation. If he genuinely knows that you don't like to be touched in your sleep and he's doing it anyway in the hopes you aren't aware then he is sick and and abusing you :(

ScattyPenny · 04/12/2018 12:37

We never had the conversation. Sometimes he responded, other times he just mumbled 'not now, I'm sleeping'. He was never upset or offended.

I got the impression that the op and her husband had never discussed this (maybe she said they have and I've stupidly missed that bit).

I think that if she expresses her feelings to him and he does it again, then yes, absolutely it's assault.

But, had they never had that conversation, he has crossed her boundaries and needs to be made aware of that. He may have done it with exes and they responded well and he thought it was okay. His bad. Not the behaviour of a dangerous sex pest, in my opinion. UNLESS he knew she would feel violated.

MemoryOfSleep · 04/12/2018 12:48

Crikey, people, it does not matter whether you think you would mind! This is the OP's thread, about how she feels.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 12:48

just used the example above that my boyfriend didn't wash his hands before fingering me, I couldn't believe he was so stupid

No not stupid, just one dirty inconsiderate bastard.

As for you Scatty, nobody is interested in your sex life and what you allow to happen, we are here for the OP, do you still not get that? You talk some shit.

Wordthe · 04/12/2018 12:49

In this instance the man is getting off on having power over the woman, she is at her absolute most vulnerable and with the person that she thinks she can trust the most

Wanting to have sex with an unconscious person?
I find that very disturbing, I would put it in a category with necrophilia

Sleephead1 · 04/12/2018 12:50

Hi op im shocked so many people are minimising your feelings if you and your partner do this and are both happy well fine but that doesnt mean anyone else has to be happy about it maybe you love it but you must understand not everyone does and op has the right to not want this to happen to get when she is asleep. Op couldn't consent as she was asleep so it is assault if you look at the legal definition. I find it very disturbing someone wants to have sex with someone unconscious. A similar thing happened to me along time ago with a friend I slept at his house on the sofa bed and in the morning woke to find him in the bed I was in ( he was in his own bed that night ) with his fingers Inside me. I was very shocked and I'm lots of pain I do feel violated by that , he didn't have my consent , i didnt want him to do it but for me ( and maybe this is similar for op ) you just have no idea what happened to you , how long did it go on for? what did he do ? That's the worst part and the part i still struggle with now.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 12:50

Not the behaviour of a dangerous sex pest, in my opinion

Fuck off with your sexual analysis, you clearly no fuck all about boundaries and consent, READ the OP's thread again, stop turning it around to be about you and your sex life!!!!

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 12:51

It wouldn't occur to me to ever, EVER, penetrate her with anything, either while sleeping or as a first move. You obtain consent before penetration, and I'm honestly baffled that some women are happy to say that this isn't so, just because you've been sharing a bed for years. Creepy as fuck. And yeah, sexual assault. That's the literal definition of 'sexual penetration without consent'.

Sethis, so well said.

BerriTerri · 04/12/2018 12:56

I think context is important, because after 15 yrs you know if something sexually upsets your partner or if they are ok with it. The problem is ever deliberately doing something that you know upsets them. You just don’t do things to people they are not ok with sexually, and whilst it’s often implied in long term relationships you do know what the boundaries are. Bollocks if he’s lied and touched her in a way she hates did he not know what to do it.

HoustonBess · 04/12/2018 12:57

People are focusing on the sexual part of this, OP said she does not like her stomach to be touched EVER and her DH touched it, seems a very clear violation to me. She might have consented to sexual bit if awake enough, but not the stomach bit.

Santasushi · 04/12/2018 12:59

Op, I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Scatty, why would anyone have that conversation? ‘If I’m sleeping don’t assault me’. Surely it’s a given?

RedDeadRoach · 04/12/2018 13:04

I think that if she expresses her feelings to him and he does it again, then yes, absolutely it's assault.

Wrong. It's assault this time too.

Knittink · 04/12/2018 13:05

Can people not read? The OP said id half suspected in the past but he's always dismissed it.

He's always dismissed it. Why would he dismiss it unless he knows he is doing wrong?

Wordthe · 04/12/2018 13:08

He has assaulted you while you were asleep 'grabbing' your stomach (in full knowledge that you feel self-conscious and uncomfortable about this body area) and sexually violating you
this is done to humiliate and demean and to show that he is in a position of power and control over you, your feelings, your sensibilities, your rights, these are not important
You are an object and you belong to him

Momo18 · 04/12/2018 13:09

Nobody can force their boundaries on anyone else as we all have different boundaries. Sleepy fondling in my relationship is enjoyed, we joke about it the morning after and it's definitely consented. This for me and my DH is not abuse despite one of us initially touching the other when asleep, we both wake up and it leads to more. There is no direct stimulation or sex till we are awake, but again I actually don't mind that but we are always awake by this point and one either says not tonight or we crack on!

However I would never say the op is over reacting either, her boundaries have been crossed and what she describes is almost predator like. If he truly waits for her to be unconscious so he can touch and he has no intention of it waking her to participate in enjoyment together then it's abuse. It's not rocket science, she doesn't like to be touched in her sleep and it's repulsed her. This too reminds me of necrophilia, if ops DH intended for her to remain unaware and she suspects he's done it before too, well that's vile and abuse. Touching someone intimately and intending for them to never be aware whilst they sleep is creepy.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/12/2018 13:12

Every thread like this brings out all the rape apologists. If, presumably women, dont get it, how are we going to stop blokes being rapey bastards? Angry PP. You may have the sort of relationship where it is accepted that this is ok. Qerty does not. Surely you can see the difference? Hmm

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 13:12

How thick are some people on here; should not be giving advice and having a word with themselves.

I actually feel nauseas that some people are telling the OP to be OK with this, it's really stomach churning.

OP, not sure where you go from this, and do not feel bad if you actually want to end this relationship; if you can't feel safe in your own bed, then honestly, get him to fuck!

SingedChinchilla · 04/12/2018 13:20

I got the impression that the op and her husband had never discussed this

Why should they need to have a discussion? Does it really need spelling out to people that they shouldn't have sex with someone if they can't consent because they're asleep and not even aware it's happening?

What if a woman was drunk and passed out - is it still ok for her husband to penetrate her then?

Some people have fucked up views. Sorry this has happened to you and so many others, OP. It's not right and you know it.

Wordthe · 04/12/2018 13:21

As well as the necrophilia link I am also reminded of sex dolls, men who choose as sexual 'partners' dolls which look like women but they are of course passive and exist solely and exclusively for the purpose of men's sexual pleasure

By sexually assaulting you when you are unconscious and unresponsive, totally passive he's making you into an object, a thing which is not human and has no rights.

A normal and caring response to a sleeping person is to respect their right to rest and to protect them whilst they do so it is not to take advantage and violate them
I think this is very very disturbing

the perpetrator can get away from it because some people do enjoy sexual activity whilst drowsywe consider this normal because consent is clearly given, and he can pretend that it belongs in that category of things, taking advantage of your confusion and upset to divert your attention away from what he has done

PippyRose · 04/12/2018 13:21

Reading back, I can't see anyone telling the OP to be OK with this Adora.

Pretty much everyone has said that if she's not happy with it then it's not ok. Even posters who said they'd be ok with it themselves.

PippyRose · 04/12/2018 13:23

Spongebob - I don't see any rape apologies either.

ScattyPenny - I think it's different with men. Not sure why but maybe a physical ability to overpower?

Notcoolmum · 04/12/2018 13:25

Im surprised and upset by how many people are minimising the OPs experience and reaction. Sleepy, mutually enjoyed sex is great. Penetrating someone whilst they are sound asleep is not. Someone made a comment about how they couldn’t imagine not being woken up before penetration even though they take sedating tablets. My ex didn’t attempt to wake me up or arouse me. Just straight to penetration. So when was I supposed to wake up?
The feeling of being scared to go to sleep in your own bed as you don’t know what might happen to you is awful. Just because your relationship is not like that does nkt give you the right to minimise the experience for those of us who have had to face this.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 13:27

Pippy, I suggest you read again, there is clearly a minority that are minimising and excusing.

I've been in my relationship 17 years, not once have I had to say to my husband, don't put your fingers inside me if I am sleeping!

Some views on here are exactly why over 70% of rape cases are dropped or not proven; because some women are actually perpetuating this kind of assault and calling it part of a loving relationship.

To have that kind of sex you must surely have THAT kind of discussion.

It's not a given, it's not a right, it's assault, and it's creepy as fuck as he's clearly is getting off on the fact she's asleep.

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