DH touching me whilst asleep

[qwertyl]

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now

I also agree with @Shepherdspieisminging

I think it can also be dangerous everyone shouting rape at things like this. My dh has done this before and I wouldn't think for a second that I'd been sexually assaulted, he was just in the mood and trying to wake me up whilst initiating sex. Does it work? Normally no and I just swat his hand away and that's that!

However, op you really need to sit down and talk about this with your dh. Tell him you feel upset and violated and why. Tell him you do not want to be touched when you're asleep and he needs to fully respect that. Set whatever boundaries are appropriate to you.

And sorry if minimising rape/sexual assault, not my intention at all (nor my assertion)

You haven't. I havent. Unfortunately even in 2018 Some people think that rape or sexual assault is only done by strangers in dark alleyways. They don't think other types of assault are that bad. They say stuff like, "why didn't you just slap his hand away", or "I wouldn't mind if my partner did that to me." I guess those women are lucky, because they have never had a partner who would violate them while they were asleep without consent.

Other peoples kinks have nothing to do with your situation. Every relationship is different. These women just don't realise that it's entirely possible to sexual assault someone that you're in a relationship with. Look how recently the law against men raping their wives came in.

Your relationship is the only one that matters here. You have not given him consent to touch you sexually while you're asleep. It doesn't matter if other people do give their partners consent to do that. You haven't.

bethy no way am I victim blaming, I am just saying some people need to be explicitly taught right from wrong. Sadly some men don't learn everything they need to know as a young person, and a lot of them are shockingly ignorant. I just used the example above that my boyfriend didn't wash his hands before fingering me, I couldn't believe he was so stupid, but he was. I had to tell him he was making me ill, about 3 times before it sank into his dense skull. And this was a very intelligent guy.

Agree with RedDeadRoach you havent minimised it at all. You think he knew it would be a No so waited until you were asleep - that alone I think tells you that you are have not minimised it at all and indeed means that everyone elses personal experiences are irrelevant. He knew consent would not be there and he tested whether you were asleep

And I think there should always be a clear distinction between initiating when asleep, starting the process and continuing when its clear that either (a) the person has said no or (b) the person is fast asleep.

And it may just be me and my age but having sex with an asleep person completely goes against the idea that sex should be a mutual act of pleasure. It degrades the process to just one persons enjoyment

So with the blow job - starting the process is fine - if he was asleep at the end so to speak yes that is assault you have forced a physical reaction without consent or the person being asleep.

It took years for the law against men raping their wives to come in. It doesnt seem to be taking even half as long for it to begin to be eradicated

How could he have been checking if you were asleep? - his chosen act of checking would simply wake you up - as indeed it did. What does he have to say?

Of course you can be sexually assaulted by your partner. Nobody is suggesting otherwise RedDead!

What's normal/acceptable in one relationship may not be in another. That's obvious.

Again, sorry to be graphic but if I put my hand down my partner's pants when he was sleeping, he would either be in a grump for waking him up or, be responsive. His body, his choice.

Unless you're a very heavy sleeper, you're going to be roused by someone touching you (although not necessarily aroused). Surely at this point it's a choice to tell them to get off. If they don't, then yes, it's force and therefore assault.

The distinction seems obvious to me, but then I understand everyone's opinion is different.

If my husband did it to me, I would not be upset. I would simply say no. But, I trust him and I don't think he would ever violate me, awake, asleep or in a coma.

This thread is derailing now.. OP you know yourself what is normal and not normal for your relationship.

The people saying this is normal are wrong!!!!

This has freaked you out, so now everytime he comes near you, you will feel grossed out and it will repulse you.

I have been in bed with DH before and I have felt him start to hug me etc..I have pretended to be asleep, when he has felt me not move a muscle, he rolls over and goes to sleep! If I do move and put a hand on him etc, he knows that I want it also..

If I did not move, and he carried on..that would be it. I would feel the same as you. It's gross!

You need to ask him straight out. What the hell happened last night.

But I think now it's freaked you out, any sexual encounters from now on, will make you feel sick. You are going to look at him completely different now.

I'm not engaging with victim blaming rape apologists.

'victim blaming rape apologists'.

Yeah, ok RedDead.

RedDeadRoach..you are ignoring the OPs feeling though? It might be the norm in your relationship, but obviously in her relationship it isn't.. otherwise she wouldn't of posted!

She is freaked out! This is not normal for her relationship.. she didn't like it. He has crossed a line.

scattypenny Surely at this point it's a choice to tell them to get off. If they don't, then yes, it's force and therefore assault.

Really - that is victim blaming 101. Not thinking through that shock/disbelief/fear at that point renders you unable to do anything

And as you say in the final point you trust your husband not to violate you because he never has. You have no idea how you would react it he decide to violate that trust

But everbody's different!!!

If the OP feels it's wrong, then of course it's wrong.

It's not the act that matters, it's how it made her feel. We know that.

Perspective.

My dh has done this before and I wouldn't think for a second that I'd been sexually assaulted, he was just in the mood and trying to wake me up whilst initiating sex. Does it work? Normally no and I just swat his hand away and that's that!

Just because you accept your boundaries being invaded does not mean every other woman should. Read how the OP sounded, she was in shock, she was violated and believes she has been before.

Just because your partner is in the mood doesn't give him permission to do what he wants with your body.

Please, these responses are highly irresponsible, to minimise what the OP feels because you think it's OK if a man does this to your body is not helpful. Read the OP, she was in shock, she should listen to her gut reaction to this.

Jesus, this has gotten a whole lot worse, are any of you actually listening to the OP, it was pre meditated, no he was not asleep, he carefully moved her book out the way, he made sure she was asleep, what the fuck is acceptable about that, husband or not, you are all disgusting if you think that's ok to do to another human who is clearly NOT giving consent.

I get some folk like being touched in their sleep, we all don't though and clearly the OP doesn't either, she's fucken entitled to have that opinion, why the hell do you think she came on here, for you lot to dum down her concerns that her husband is getting off on having sex with her when she has no fucken idea it's happening, my God, if I was you OP, I'd get this taken down, you really need to speak to him, I am shuddering at your updates, it's so brutally awful what he is doing to you.

Okay. Last post (I promise), I almost feel like I'm goading but I am honestly not.

I have, in fact, put my hands down my sleeping partner's pants in the past (God I hope this stays anonymous!!)

Am I a rapist? A sexual predator that should be banged up to protect mankind?

Seriously.

@qwertyl op I hope you don't mind ive sent you a pm.

Okay (one more post).

I'll go and turn myself in. I wonder what the police will say.

Good luck op. I hope this is reconciled one way or the other and that you feel better in the long term whatever you choose to do. Nobody should be made to feel violated and he needs to know you feel that way.

Interesting to hear the views of others, no matter what they think of mine. I hate to offend and hope I haven't here.

I have taken on board everything said, it is helpful to get everyone's perspective either way. I think the main concern for me as a couple of posters have mentioned is that he almost wanted me to be asleep to get his kicks - that concerns me. I've (along time ago) woken him in the morning or maybe during the night 10+ years ago and he was delighted, big difference because if he hadn't woken up and expressed delight I wouldn't have carried on.... I honestly am just shocked he'd do it - I know that may be over reacting and that's why I thought a day in work was sensible. None of what he did was for my pleasure or participation - why would he want to have sex with someone who is asleep...? That concerns me - it really has made me look at him differently... thanks to everyone's time and responses though, it's hardly a topic I'd like to discuss with anyone in RL...

id half suspected in the past but he's always dismissed it

So you asked him about it and he lied? At the time you couldn't prove he was lying but now you know for sure. The fact that he denied it means he knows it's something you don't want; he knows he doesn't have consent.

he knows I don't like him touching it - he actually grabbed it first

Again, he knows he doesn't have consent and has deliberately done something he knows you hate.

I don't know if I'm over reacting

You are not over reacting. Very far from it.

I don't understand the PP saying you're married, it's normal. It may be normal for some couples but the OP has made it clear to him that she doesn't like it and doesn't want it, and he has denied doing it in the past. It's not a grey area in the least. There isn't implied consent. There is very clear refusal of consent. Hence, it is sexual assault, no question about it.

OP why would you leave your children with him? HE needs to leave, not you. Tell him he needs to stay elsewhere for a while to give you space and time to think. You should also get this on record somewhere (police, or GP if you think police would be OTT,) in case it escalates. Get it on record now. Please do confide in someone in real life; I understand it is difficult.

Otherwise you will never feel safe in your own home and your own bed. You can't live like that.

OP didn't ask for opinions, she was shocked and needed to vent.

Nobody's "screaming" or "shouting" rape - this is where society's idea that women are hysterical is coming in... Another reason why it's so important to understand that being asleep and not wanting sexual contact, are completely valid reasons for a partner to seek consent and respect it if it's not given.

It is not exceptional to be unappreciative about being touched whilst asleep. If some of you don't mind being on the receiving end of it, it does not make it okay for someone to do it.

What OP described was not a romantic kiss on the neck, or a gentle caress across the skin, or a whisper of "I want to make love to you"...

But even if he did do those things, the fact that she didn't consent still matters. Her consent matters. Not his intentions.

Nobody needs to sexually touch anybody to register the interest; there are many small signals beforehand that make it clear.

This guy was not doing that. He checked she was sleeping and took advantage of her.

It is no less sexual assault than an attack by a stranger. It may not be accompanied by violence or threats, but it's a crime all the same.

OP you have done nothing wrong. You have not belittled anyone else's violent experiences, you only spoke of your own feelings which you have a right to do.

I'm sorry this post has turned into a debate and I will no longer argue with others. You are the only person on this post whose opinion matters.

If you touch you're partner whilst sleeping, imo that is assault. Unless you have had very clear conversations beforehand about what is acceptable.

If I wanted to wake my DH with a blowjob I'd at least start by kissing him and getting some sort of "reaction" that makes it clear he's alert, receptive and up for it. No way would it be straight into bj, especially because lots of men wake with erections and how would you know if it was you or just their body giving them that erection? It's just weird if you haven't spoken about it beforehand. And that's the problem OP has... She hasn't set boundaries verbally yet, but he's crossing a line that most self respecting women have in place. And I think the police would agree with me.

@NottonightJosepheen

Nah you were clear ... consent good, no consent bad!

I would be worried too op. He wanted you to be asleep. He didn't want you to consent. That is what he's getting off on.

To me there's a huge gaping void of difference between 'sleepy' and 'asleep'.

If my partner is asleep, she's off limits. Flat.

If I wake up first (usual) and I know the alarm is going to go off soon, and I'm horny, then I'll wake her up with kisses on her neck and whispering her name. When she wakes up from this, there's normally a clear indication of whether she's in the mood or not. If not, I start making her coffee.

If she's sleepy or groggy and I'm horny then the first step, again, is kissing and surface stroking of the skin. Get a signal of go/no go, and respect whichever is given.

It wouldn't occur to me to ever, EVER, penetrate her with anything, either while sleeping or as a first move. You obtain consent before penetration, and I'm honestly baffled that some women are happy to say that this isn't so, just because you've been sharing a bed for years. Creepy as fuck. And yeah, sexual assault. That's the literal definition of 'sexual penetration without consent'.