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Original poster

DH touching me whilst asleep

428 replies

qwertyl · 03/12/2018 22:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now Envy

OP posts:
ScattyPenny · 04/12/2018 11:19

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RedDeadRoach · 04/12/2018 11:20

I'm not interested in arguing with idiots on the op's thread. Op you're not overreacting. You don't have to put up with this no matter how many cool girls try and tell you it's ok.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 04/12/2018 11:21

To the posters saying they this would be their DH starting to initiate sex, is fingering really the first thing they go for? A cuddle and a prod in the back or even a bit of boob fondling I get but from zero to fingers in? Perhaps I'm sheltered!

OP, I can only imagine what a shock this was for you, allowed yourself to feel whatever you want to feel. Being married does not allow you the right to use another's body for your own gains.

ScattyPenny · 04/12/2018 11:22

RedDead, I'm not an idiot. It's just different perspectives. Isn't that what Mumsnet is for?

The op is probably (I would imagine) looking for people's opinions on how they would feel.

It's not always black and white.

sparklesaremyfavourite · 04/12/2018 11:24

I am shocked how many women think this is okay! This man sexually penetrated an unconscious woman. He crudely grabbed at her body to check if she was awake. This is not normal - it is sexual abuse!

qwertyl I fully support you in whatever you do about this and I applaud your strength of conviction that this is truly wrong. FlowersFlowersFlowers

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 11:25

AccidentallyRunToWindsor - Yes I would say that is fine. PIV straight away, without warming up or any warning is not (unless previously agreed).

Rattinghat · 04/12/2018 11:25

MissLadyM has an important point. You might want to check his phone.

InglouriousBasterd · 04/12/2018 11:27

What’s with the chorus of ‘he’s your husband?’ What, so her body is now under his ownership? She doesn’t get to be woken before her owner has sex with her and should just accept it?

But it’s ok as long as it’s not a stranger.

Aaaahfuck · 04/12/2018 11:27

@Shepherdspieisminging whether it would bother you is irrelevant it is clearly bothering op very much. I think most if us would say sleepy sex and asleep sex are very different things.

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2018 11:28

ScattyPenny you are right it is about trust. Its about the OP trusting that her husband, knowing she doesnt like her stomach being touched would not do so or indeed have sex with her when she did not want to

And yes he is her husband the one man she should be able to trust not to override her wishes and boundaries

And I am tired of these threads going into the argument that it is fine for someone to touch and have sex when they are asleep - it isnt. Not when they are ASLEEP and in a state where they cannot consent. It is a violation of both her body and her trust

So sorry OP

Rattinghat · 04/12/2018 11:28

Inglourious I don't think anyone means that. They are just saying in different relationships there are different boundaries.

EKGEMS · 04/12/2018 11:29

No,no,no! Sexual acts on a person who is asleep is sexual acts without consent of the victim-it is assault-if he's done it before OP then you have been a victim of him before. It doesn't matter if you are in a relationship with him! It is no different than a stranger doing the same to you! I can't imagine staying with a man who has done this once let alone multiple times! You are obviously in shock and angry-I think you need to speak to a sexual assault counselor about what happened to you. I fear for you if you sweep this under the rug OP he may carry on and do even worse in the future.

ScattyPenny · 04/12/2018 11:30

op, I hope the opinions of others are not upsetting to you.

I hope you see it for what it is, people telling you how they would interpret the act within the boundaries of their own relationships. It's a very personal and subjective issue.

I'm sorry you're upset and there is nothing wrong with how you feel.

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklepops123 · 04/12/2018 11:31

How has he acted with you since last night? I think you need to tell him he needs to leave as you're not comfortable around him

Original poster
qwertyl · 04/12/2018 11:33

Honestly didn't mean for it to turn into a row and I do understand - we've had sleepy sex before, either just before falling asleep or waking up... this was just different, the difference being it seemed he wanted me to be asleep... because he knows I was knackered and not feeling great so probably knew it would be a no - I'm not a prude and we have pretty regular sex It just felt really wrong. I will speak to him, my dcs were there this morning and I don't want them in the middle of an argument - maybe a day at my desk will help reflect. And sorry if minimising rape/sexual assault, not my intention at all (nor my assertion) ThanksThanks

OP posts:
bethy15 · 04/12/2018 11:35

I am not minimising anything, I am just saying don't underestimate how dumb and clueless men are, and their weird way of looking at the world. He may have no idea he has done something very wrong.

And this attitude and believing men are not violating us, but are just dense and need no spelling out to them has led to a world where women are abused so much, and at times without them realising they are being violated. It's become the social norm to be violated as a woman and we're supposed to accept it, and then there's the victim blaming, saying she should have tapped his hand away.

Dear lord.

MemoryOfSleep · 04/12/2018 11:35

You wouldn't need to leave your dc, keep them with you at all times. Don't leave them with him in the house and move out, whatever you do. Have you got a spare room he can sleep in while you figure this out? I would definitely have a word and have him sleeping on the sofa for a while if not. If dc ask say your snoring keeps him awake so he is sleeping there for now.

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2018 11:35

Legally actually its straightforward and as I have said before it is assault/rape because there is no consent you cannot assume consent. That is the starting point. Relationships should build up from that point and give permission to touch from that on and cues from that point on. If nothing has been agreed or said that it is assault.

idk maybe its my age but it does sadden me

MsJuniper · 04/12/2018 11:37

it seemed he wanted me to be asleep...

That is the key here and why it is different from all these scenarios people are coming up with to justify/minimise the behaviour. Is it different to waking your partner up with a blow job? Yes, because you are waking him up - hoping he will participate in some mutual enjoyment, not trying to get what you want from someone else's body without their knowledge.

NottonightJosepheen · 04/12/2018 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 11:40

qwertyl I think it all comes down to the individual relationship.

because he knows I was knackered and not feeling great so probably knew it would be a no is completely different scenario to an early night with offer of a back rub

If you don't feel comfortable around him now, then it is not unreasonable to leave him. You don't need any reason to leave your partner. We are just pointing out that in our relationship that situation would be ok, to give you some perspective.

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 11:40

Anyway, OP, the other behaviour doesn't sound good either. The fact you've woken up wet down there and other times him moving your body like that, you had these suspicions anyway, then wake up to this this morning.

You know what feels right and wrong in your marriage, and the fact you've even felt like this before means you should be listening to your instincts here. Something is amiss.

Are you sleeping heavier then usual at all?