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Original poster

DH touching me whilst asleep

428 replies

qwertyl · 03/12/2018 22:45

Am downstairs in utter shock.... after an early night and offer of back rub from'd'h woke up to find him touching me.... I stopped him before he went further but he'd already put his fingers inside me I'm sure to check if I was asleep.... oh god I feel sick. I hate him right now Envy

OP posts:
Nesssie · 04/12/2018 13:28

Exactly PippyRose- some of us are saying that we would be ok with it. We've all said that is she doesn't feel comfortable with him, then leave.

We are not victim blaming or rape apologists.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 13:30

We are not victim blaming or rape apologists.

In your opinion Nesssie; for a lot on here reading these posts, that is exactly how we interpret it.

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2018 13:31

This is when I feel old - Nessssie you would be ok with your partner having sex with you when asleep.
Because I dont get it this isnt sleepy mutally satisfying sex, its treating you as a sex doll who needs and desires are secondary to his.

Noopey · 04/12/2018 13:34

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. What on earth if your husband thinking??

I wonder what your husband would think if he found out you’d been putting your fingers up his arse while he slept for your own pleasure. Think he’d feel pretty assaulted.

Has anyone ever seen the Tea analogy?? If someone is asleep they don’t want tea. Don’t force it down their throat.... If someone is asleep they don’t want sex, or to have fingers inserted into any part of their body, so don’t penetrate them.

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 13:34

Quartz2208 - I would be ok with my partner groping/fingering me whilst I was asleep to start the process. Same as if I give him a BJ whilst he was asleep.
But penis in vagina is an awake act.

PippyRose · 04/12/2018 13:35

But there's a big difference between sex and fingering - which is foreplay.

If he's a shit in other aspects of the relationship then maybe this is him being a bully. Otherwise I think it's just something you need to discuss with him.

PippyRose · 04/12/2018 13:35

What you said Nessie.

NottonightJosepheen · 04/12/2018 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noopey · 04/12/2018 13:38

Nessie- but I’m guessing this is something you’ve talked about and agreed on. And that if the other person didn’t wake up relatively quickly you’d stop. Not just carry on touching them while asleep until you’d cum?!

ScattyPenny · 04/12/2018 13:40

Adora10 I think you are being a bit aggressive. I was in no way using this thread to talk about my sex life. Only in relation to the original post.

Why are you being so bloody minded? All people are saying is that they would not have a problem with it. Just because you do, doesn't mean you have the moral high ground.

Noopey · 04/12/2018 13:40

The Tea Analogy. It’s very good....

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

Chocolate123 · 04/12/2018 13:41

He waited until you were asleep and touched you intimately without your consent. That's assault. I hope you are ok OP and do what's best for you. This cannot happen again.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 13:45

Nesssie and Pippy, this thread is not about your sexual relationship where you both touch each other intimately when asleep; this is about the OP feeling violated, feeling in her gut something was wrong before, that he had touched her explicitly whilst she was sleeping.

In fact, waiting for her to go asleep before he proceeded to touch her by inserting his fingers.

Are you both really that fucken stupid, you can't tell the difference, or that self centred you can't see any other situation apart from your own?

Nobody cares if your partner sticks a ten foot pole up your vagina, we are not here to discuss what you see as consent.

I am so angry at your minimising of what this actually is.

Adora10 · 04/12/2018 13:48

Scatty, yeah I am angry, angry that idiots like you are able to come on and minimise and turn a thread about themselves.

You must be really stupid if you think what the OP has described is what you are comparing it to with your own sex life.

maximumcarnage · 04/12/2018 13:49

First up I am totally not okay with this, anything happening between me and a woman that doesn't involve consent is a big no, no.

Saying that I had a conversation with my then girlfriend (now ex). I was discussing a case where a man was having sex with a woman against her will due to some sort of sleeping disorder. I asked her if ever she woke with me having sex with her, what would she do or think? She said without missing a beat, oh I would join in. I was genuinely horrified. To me it's rape, plain and simple.

paige789 · 04/12/2018 13:50

@Nesssie have you lost your mind ? So what if you didn't want to have sex ? Its blatant sexual assault

rachelfrost · 04/12/2018 13:50

I think the big thing here is that op hasn’t spoken to her partner about this. It sounds like he knew she was an unusually deep sleeper and that she didn’t like her stomach being touched so what he did was wrong for their relationship. If op is not scared of her partner then it seems really important for her own sanity that she confront him, discuss this and establish that it’s not to happen again.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/12/2018 13:50

I've been in my relationship 17 years, not once have I had to say to my husband, don't put your fingers inside me if I am sleeping!
This. Are we meant to have to to explicitly list all the ways they could sexually assault us and ask them not to?

Those who are open to their partners fingering them whilst they sleep. Are you OK with them doing it purely to get themselves off, hoping you don't wake? For them to specifically wait for you to go to sleep, having woken lightly wait for you to go deep sleep again before starting again?

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 13:50

Noopey - Not expressly. And there was no suggestion that he would have carry on touching them while asleep until you’d cum?!

She stopped him, he stopped. Now, if he has continued, or did it again - then I would be saying something very different.

If shes not comfortable, then shes not comfortable and that's good enough reason to leave. But if she wants her marriage to try and continue, she needs to expressly tell him not to touch her whilst she is asleep, so that the boundaries are clear. She admits that they have had sleepy sex before, she now needs to make it clear what is acceptable to her.

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 13:52

paige789 So what if you didn't want to have sex? - then I would stop him/he would stop me. Anything after that is sexual assault.

paige789 · 04/12/2018 13:54

@Nesssie I can't believe you think it is ok for a man to put his fingers inside you whilst your asleep. What if you didn't want to be fingered ? Just tell him to stop ? He shouldn't of starting in the first place if you were asleep and weren't able to tell him no.

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2018 13:54

Nesssie have you rft = the OP has been concerned that this has been happening awhile and suspect PIV has taken place.

As I have said there is a difference between starting the process and this which appears to be him trying to confirm she is asleep so he can start the process
If shes not comfortable, then shes not comfortable and that's good enough reason to leave. But if she wants her marriage to try and continue, she needs to expressly tell him not to touch her whilst she is asleep, so that the boundaries are clear. She admits that they have had sleepy sex before, she now needs to make it clear what is acceptable to her.

This however is unfairly putting in on her he knows what is and isnt accpetable hence his behaviour

paige789 · 04/12/2018 13:56

@Nesssie is the fact she was asleep not a big enough indication that she doesn't want to be fingered. You need to education yourself on sexual assault and the difference between right and wrong

Nesssie · 04/12/2018 13:58

paige789 I think its ok for my partner who I trust and have a sexual relationship with, to put his fingers inside of me whilst I'm asleep with the intention of waking me up to have sex. And if i wanted him to stop, I would tell him (or usually roll over and wrap the duvet round me) and that would be the end. I wouldn't be angry he did it. I would be angry if he then tried 5 minutes later etc.

Anyway, time and time again I have said this 'boundary' is different in every relationship, and at the end of the day, of the OP is uncomfortable, then it is wrong.

bethy15 · 04/12/2018 14:02

Quartz, you're not old, it's not a modern thing to believe that this is OK. I would say that it's an older fashioned idea to believe that your body is subject to your partners will when you're asleep.

I am somewhat worried and disturbed with some posters here and what they believe is OK, but please, don't lay it onto other people to believe as you do, as somewhat pointed out earlier, legally, there's no question.

The fact the OP has asked her husband before if he has done something to her while she was asleep, I am making an educated guess that those questions would highlight that she doesn't want it done to her.