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Learning to love ourselves: ditching the dating scene support thread.

(114 Posts)
Farontothemaddingcrowd Tue 12-Sep-17 21:02:02

After starting a thread on why I had decided to give up the dating apps after yet another failed relationship, I realised that lots of others were in the same situation. This thread is for me and anyone else who wants to take a break, temporary or permanent, from the dating scene.

For me, dating had become a negative and destructive cycle. I'm taking some time to learn to be alone and that way, if I ever do return to dating, I will know that I'm making choices with pure motives. I was using dating as an emotional crutch.

So far, I've deleted all the apps. Feels great not to have that constant, intrusive ping and the bombardment of 'hows u hun.' I've also downloaded a couple of good books, Stephen King's 'IT' (loved the remake) and a book about a woman who lives completely alone, in the Scottish highlands, in an area without mobile phone signal. Not sure if I could cope without the mobile, but maybe I can learn to be alone, without necessarily being lonely.

Join me?

Farontothemaddingcrowd Tue 12-Sep-17 21:03:05

Sorry for lack of paragraphs. The app seems to dislike them...

Pixieb34 Tue 12-Sep-17 21:26:01

Count me in please!
I too have deleted the apps and am taking a break...maybe permanently. I want to learn to be happy with just me and the life I'm making.
Thinking of new things to try now...gym, baking, and I'm definitely picking up my reading again which I've neglected.
Thank you Faron for starting the thread smile

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Tue 12-Sep-17 21:34:03

Try Wild by Cheryl Strayed. She walked the Pacific Crest Trail to find herself. I really enjoyed it.

meowimacat Tue 12-Sep-17 21:52:42

Yep deleted the apps about a month ago, then re-downloaded them last night in a moment of loneliness and realised I hate them and not sure why I did it!
Been single 6 months after a 10 year relationship. I'm loving being by myself, and although I miss some affection I'm not desperate to rush into anything and can see me being single for a loooooooooong time.

I love going to the gym, spending time with my friends and just finding new passions that I didn't even know I was into!

About to run a bath for myself an relax knowing I don't have to worry about any dating/boyfriend issues!

starskey80 Tue 12-Sep-17 22:33:18

I'm in 😀
I'm starting a casual cycle thing this weekend, if it's still on, and going to look into an odd evening course.
Also back to bootcamp.

Will also miss the feel of a man's arms, but fuckit, need time to heal and be happy alone.

GrandDesespoir Tue 12-Sep-17 22:43:07

I'm taking a break; haven't dated for years. I don't have the stomach for the frustration, disappointment and irritation that men's behaviour on dating sites causes me and I'm not sure I ever will have again.

I think I could cope with simply not hitting it off with people - that's to be expected - but it's the dishonesty and flakiness that I just cannot stand. I don't want to be stood up, let down, lied to or ghosted ever again. Fuckers.

Locotion Tue 12-Sep-17 22:58:45

Hmm. Thought I had found someone who ticked 9 out of 10 boxes from OLD. But a few weeks in and I think that last box is somewhat important. Hmmm. Sigh. Life is hard on my own though. I would love an equal partner.

SmokedGlass Tue 12-Sep-17 23:47:39

There's a lot of us ladies thinking like this
Life is good when we don't feel the pressure of dating or having to be in a relationship
I'm taking every day as it comes and counting my blessings with family and friends and just being me and enjoying life

orangewasp Tue 12-Sep-17 23:52:46

Me too, have had a full year of crap dating experiences and enough is enough. Have deleted my profiles and already feeling more at peace. Am planning on focusing on friends, fitness and fun grin

Whyiseverynameinuse Wed 13-Sep-17 01:06:03

Hello Far - I'll join you if I may? Just coming out of 15 year abusive marriage and won't be dating for a very long time yet 💪grin What's the title of the book? Got time for reading nowwink

Frith1975 Wed 13-Sep-17 08:38:38

I've been single for 5 years now and have no intention of changing that!

MollyWantsACracker Wed 13-Sep-17 08:38:57

I'm in. I will review the situation after maybe Christmas, but the thoughts of dating right now makes my skin crawl.

user128057 Wed 13-Sep-17 08:46:10

I'm pretty certain I've been ghosted by someone who seemed really nice. I've only been single for about a month so only really joined these apps out of loneliness. I don't really leave my house unless I have work or to see a family member so I guess these dating apps are my only option when I feel ready to date again.

Melminiani Wed 13-Sep-17 08:56:50

I'm in. Hit the wall with dating apps/OLD a few weeks ago. I think the lack of real life interaction makes it so easy for people to forget that that they're dealing with real life human beings, which in turn enables them to behave in a way they wouldn't dare if all interactions were face to face iyswim. I felt so much better the minute I decided to delete them all, and am now focussing on friends, fitness, a massive home clearout, and am going to join some meetup groups as a way of expanding my social circle.

meowimacat Wed 13-Sep-17 09:33:18

So everyone....what are you going to do this week for yourselves to make YOU feel better?

I'm basically 99% childcare as ex-OH just see's the kids when he feels like it. They've just started school though so gives me a teeny bit of time to hit the gym which is my weird favourite thing to do.

Hope you all have a great day - YOU'RE AMAZING, remember that smile xx

Farontothemaddingcrowd Wed 13-Sep-17 10:34:04

I love this thread already. I'm enjoying every aspect of life more. I've realised that I always had part of my mind on dating, so I was never truly enjoying the moment. This week I'm mainly with my children, but I'm reading lots and watching horror films.

Pixieb34 Wed 13-Sep-17 11:47:27

I feel I'm just getting to grips with letting it go...went on a date on Saturday so my decision is very recent!! I'm in a positive mood today though and feeling the anxiety easing slightly.
I'm going to order the book you've recommended Far, thank you for the pointer!

Onlymeeeeee Wed 13-Sep-17 12:47:56

I'm in, although not dated since 199something! Just come out of 14 year marriage and looking forward to me time that I haven't had to sell my soul for!

Farontothemaddingcrowd Wed 13-Sep-17 13:39:15

The book is by Sara Maitland. I think it's called The art of being alone. It's great because I think you get into a habit of thinking that you need to occupy every minute of your time, but actually true peace is feeling content to just be sometimes.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt Wed 13-Sep-17 14:28:16

Something that I found really helpful was to write down all of the things I was scared of doing on my own and do them. A real 'feel the fear and do it anyway' project (not adrenaline stuff just 'normal' stuff).

It wasn't quick but I can't think of anything I wouldn't do on my own now except hiking in the middle of nowhere but that's a safety thing! So I went to the cinema on my own (that was the hardest oddly enough), theatre, ballet, galleries on my own, holidayed on my own and I found I really loved it! Maybe that sort of list and personal challenge would be helpful?

Lovemusic33 Wed 13-Sep-17 15:09:27

Been I go hiking in the middle of nowhere on my own, the danger thing is what makes it exciting and being in your own in a open space feels pretty good.

I go out a lot on my own, I enjoy photography which is something I can do completely alone, I often visit coffee shops and eat cake alone too.

I'm not taking a break at the moment but probably will be soon, my anxiety is pretty high at the moment and OLD is probably making things worse. I quite often take breaks from it.

Shayelle Wed 13-Sep-17 16:44:02

I'm in! Came out of relationship over a year ago. Havent dated at all in fact steered well clear of men. My life's good and I intend to keep it that way grin

MeMeMeMe123 Wed 13-Sep-17 17:25:50

I'm in, too. CBA with feeling like I'm just an 'option'. Forty fat and jobless just aint passing muster these days...

Plus the whole concept lends itself to miscommunication, over-familiarity and blurring of fragile boundaries.

MyGastIsFlabbered Wed 13-Sep-17 18:13:45

I'm checking in from the previous thread. I haven't managed to delete the apps as I'm not 100% sure I'm quite ready yet, even though I know I do need to take a break and sort my head out.

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