Learning to love ourselves: ditching the dating scene support thread.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

After starting a thread on why I had decided to give up the dating apps after yet another failed relationship, I realised that lots of others were in the same situation. This thread is for me and anyone else who wants to take a break, temporary or permanent, from the dating scene.

For me, dating had become a negative and destructive cycle. I'm taking some time to learn to be alone and that way, if I ever do return to dating, I will know that I'm making choices with pure motives. I was using dating as an emotional crutch.

So far, I've deleted all the apps. Feels great not to have that constant, intrusive ping and the bombardment of 'hows u hun.' I've also downloaded a couple of good books, Stephen King's 'IT' (loved the remake) and a book about a woman who lives completely alone, in the Scottish highlands, in an area without mobile phone signal. Not sure if I could cope without the mobile, but maybe I can learn to be alone, without necessarily being lonely.

Join me?

The hamper came about while I was researching self care so I thought it was a lovely idea. In my hamper, I have 2 books, an amethyst bracelet, a blue lace agate necklace, a gratitude journal, room spray, lavender oil, a scented candle, expensive chocolate, a fleecy blanket, hot chocolate with a lovely new mug to drink it out of, hand cream, thick socks, lots of stationery as I love writing books and I want to start writing again, an eye mask and earplugs and a face mask. I will be buying the last bits for it in October.

It's not for me either. One soul destroying experience with a lying deceitful arsehole who played me for sex was enough for me to bail out for good. I clearly don't know how to play the 'game' and I don't think I want to learn how to. I found the whole thing to be ego based and shallow. And i found myself becoming that way too which isn't how I want to be.

I suppose the whole thing has led me to take a look at my boundaries. I feel a bit sad now though because feel I have to learn to aggressively police them rather than just be able to trust people.

I read an article that said that as you get older the dating pool becomes more concentrated with people who are unable to sustain intimate or long term relationships. The people who can get out of the dating pool early and stay out. This makes sense to me.

A couple of very nice guys I met and became friendly with (not romantically) admitted they couldn't see themselves ever settling down enough to live with someone.

Society tells us that we HAVE to be in a relationship otherwise there's something wrong with us.

On the "wouldn't date a part-time lives-with-parents shopworker" thread someone said "so how come you're single if you're so great?". That's what we're up against.

I agree, Trills. A lot of family members are getting married or are married and they say the same thing to me. There is a joke in my family that I will end up like Aunt Imogen in Alice in Wonderland but I won't settle for just anyone now, I just want to sort my life out and rebuild my shattered confidence. If I end up dating again, fine, but if not that's also fine by me. I'd rather be single than settle for someone who isn't right for me. Apologies for rant.

re. AvocadoQueen's comment, I do think online dating encourages you to drop boundaries as per earlier comment re. "Miscommunication, over familiarity and blurring of fragile boundaries".

In the real world you get a "feel" for people when you first meet them not based on a paragraph of nonsense and a couple of emails. And you meet them in a certain social context. It isn't perfect either but it gives you lots of information, though we don't realise it. IRL nobody gives a "potted history" up front of their whole lives and dreams (God how I hated reading those boring profiles and having to write my own!).

So, in conclusion, I think its much easier to be 'fooled' because its online, and more difficult to keep our guard up, so don''t be too hard on yourself Avocado. I had a similar experience and just don't look at men the same way as a I met a couple of real horrible twats I would never have met IRL.

I am quite a lot more relaxed having made this resolution. When I look back over the past few years, I just regret the relationships and dates I've had. I haven't taken anything positive from them.

I am quite a lot more relaxed having made this resolution. When I look back over the past few years, I just regret the relationships and dates I've had. I haven't taken anything positive from them.

Just saw that Daniella Westbrook is pregnant again. I think she is an example of someone who should have given herself a break to find out who she is. Actually there are quite a few celebrities who seem to bounce from one unhealthy relationship to another.

Totally agree Far...and I see friends doing it too, and putting up with way more than I would or they should!!!
Think the weekends may be the hardest time. I'm well occupied in the week with work and my 2 ds football! But at the weekend, especially in the evenings and when ds go to their dads I will struggle I think. What does everyone have planned for the weekends? I think I may need inspiration!!

Thanks GoingTo. Perhaps it's my pride that's mostly damaged.

I can't seem to get my head around the mentality of 'say anything to anyone just to get a shag'. I mean - presumably he is really happy with himself about this and is patting himself on the back When do people grow out of this behaviour?

Totally agree with I wouldn't ever have met him if it wasn't for online dating. Our paths would just never have crossed.

Hear Hear Avocado

Hello

Separated from my husband less than a year ago, broke up with my boyf of 6 months last month. I really need to stop focusing on men and start focusing on me.

So no dating, no tinder swiping. Not so keen on the idea of celibacy but i can't risk getting involved with anyone.

I'll never have a happy relationship if i keep picking men who need fixing. I need and deserve an equal.

Today i wrote out two little flash-forwards - where i could be in 3 years time if I'd stayed with the boyf and another one of where I could be if i put myself first. It made me realise that, as gutted as i am over the break up, it was absolutely the right thing.

Argh had a really low night where I've just listened to depressing songs and felt lonely! lol.

I'm still happy with the fact I am in no head space to date 6 months since the split, but it's hard sometimes to cope with the lonely evenings. :(

I think we will have days when we feel like that. I think that makes it even more important not to date, as dating will not fill that gap. It just makes us feel more insecure. The time to date is when you feel absolutely happy in your own company and don't really need to date.

meow I often have evenings like that especially at the weekend. I don't think there's anything wrong with sometimes feeling down and having to let tears out, all the lonely evenings build you into a stronger person overall. Saturday night is common for me to feel lonely if I don't have DS, but tonight I'm off to see IT with some friends.
I'm getting back into reading, I have a book on my kindle to finish then I want to download IT

IT is such a good film.honey. Unfortunately I had the emoji movie to sit through today.

I've got the kids this weekend but I'm still finding it quite lonely to be honest. Feel like I need a cuddle.I know I've just got to get through it. I'm sad sometimes because I'm very loving and could be so kind to the right person. But I know that way of thinking is not helpful. I think I have been choosing the wrong people, which is why it hasn't worked out for me. I'm also not ready, because I need to learn to be alone. I would not attract any kind of healthy relationship like this.

I also think that my life is so stretched with the kids. I can't have a relationship for at least 5 years or so, when my youngest will be in his mid teens and my eldest will be 19. I'll have more freedom to pop out in the week etc. I cannot squeeze a relationship into every other weekend and it is putting a ridiculous amount of pressure in me to try. I think I've introduced men too early in the past, because I'm making it easy for myself. It does not work. It isn't fair to the dc.

A friend with benefits may be an option. But again, not yet. I feel very strongly that I need to sit with this loneliness. I need to feel it, rather than running away from it. I keep thinking of the line from 'Finding Nemo' when Dory tells Nemo that you have to go through it not over it...
I've never done this before. Sit with a powerful feeling and just feel it. Part of me feels I'm using this thread as a crutch a little bit, but I think that's ok. It's a safe crutch and as I get stronger I won't need crutches as much. In the meantime we can be here to support one another.

The loneliness can be hard but nowhere near as bad as the loneliness felt in a dysfunctional relationship, I remind myself of that on difficult days. Agree we just need to face and embrace it - it will/must get easier

Placemarkinc, will check back later.

far as a book lover what is the name of that book you are reading about the highland woman?

Absolutely loved the film! Just finishing up a book I've had going for ages then downloading IT

Made the mistake of being bored earlier and re-revealed my card on Tinder and swipes a few... got a match who started off "hi hun" my card has now been hidden again!

I'm in. I was on the original thread that the OP started and really connect with this idea. I just got out of a long-term relationship with a man who I was planning to marry next year. I've realized that my self-esteem needs serious work and that I need to get on stable ground before venturing into the dating world again. I also need to get over this heart break. I have been spending a lot of time alone, thinking about what I really want in my life. It has been a lonely but also healing experience. I know that if I can just get through this period, that I will look back a year from now and be really proud of the progress I have made with my life.

The book about the woman in the highlands is called something like how to be alone, by Sara Maitland I think.
Well I've sunk into a deep depression. I'm not sure why, but stopping dating has made me realise I'm not very well. I'm feeling very hopeless about everything and bleak. I know I'm seeing everything through the distortion of depression.

OP, don't be too hard on yourself about feeling depressed. I go through waves of feeling great and then being hit by depression to where it feels like I can't get out of bed for the day. I've talked to my therapist about it and he assures me that this feeling is normal and it is part of the process of healing. He told me to think of it as if you are detoxing from an addiction, you will have times where you feel great and strong, days where you want to pick up the phone and call your ex (or OLD) and days where you feel sad and depressed. But, this is all part of the process of healing and growth, you have to feel your way out of this and the means that at times you will feel hopeless and sad.

It might help to get very clear about the internal work that you want to do on yourself. For instance, I know that working on my self-esteem is a huge project for me. That means that I have to change the way that I think about myself and what internal messages about myself that I allow to take root in my brain.

What do you think OP?

Hi, can i join?
After reading through the thread i decided to delete my online apps.
It was starting to get me down, frustrating me and making me feel awful.
If i had one more 'Hi sexy' or 'fancy some fun' messages i would of lost my shit.
Fed up of people starting a conversation then being unable to hold it, wouldnt mind so much if i had initiated the conversation but they did!

Sorry I've been quiet. I've a had a wobble. I haven't gone back to dating, I've just been very very low. Feeling a little better today though.