Learning to love ourselves: ditching the dating scene support thread.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

After starting a thread on why I had decided to give up the dating apps after yet another failed relationship, I realised that lots of others were in the same situation. This thread is for me and anyone else who wants to take a break, temporary or permanent, from the dating scene.

For me, dating had become a negative and destructive cycle. I'm taking some time to learn to be alone and that way, if I ever do return to dating, I will know that I'm making choices with pure motives. I was using dating as an emotional crutch.

So far, I've deleted all the apps. Feels great not to have that constant, intrusive ping and the bombardment of 'hows u hun.' I've also downloaded a couple of good books, Stephen King's 'IT' (loved the remake) and a book about a woman who lives completely alone, in the Scottish highlands, in an area without mobile phone signal. Not sure if I could cope without the mobile, but maybe I can learn to be alone, without necessarily being lonely.

Join me?

Sorry I've been quiet. I've a had a wobble. I haven't gone back to dating, I've just been very very low. Feeling a little better today though.

Hi Far the wobbles are natural but a pain in the arse. I think i wobble (literally and metaphorically) every day. I do my head in!

Whats working for me is taking things day by day. Not looking too far into the future and convincing myself Im just not ready, and that that's ok.

We'll get there!

I've failed miserably...I have a date tomorrow. I'm not sure I'm ready to give up dating, for me the misery of another let down is worth it for the thrill of 'what if'

I’ve had a wobble too.. felt really really down last night. All my trusty single friends have recently started seeing someone and there’s me still over here and alone

Alone is better than 'settling' for the wrong person! single as from TODAY, I feel relief, but know there are times I'll be down about it. Have profiles on OLD, hidden while I was with someone, but ready to unhide whenever. Taking a break and making myself happy is my priority, this can be done alone, altough I know it stings when everyone you know is seeing someone!

I've been up & down with this a lot over the past 6 years since my marriage ended. I think the BIGGEST problem for men AND women is that people jump back into dating WAY too soon after a breakup and don't deal with their feelings about it ending, who they are etc, etc. I believe psychologists recommend that you take 6 months off after a relationship of 2 years and then an additional 6 months for every 5 years. The number of people I meet who are dating within 2-3 months of a ltr breakdown is shocking.

I truly believe if you take the time & work on yourself you'll feel better ready to cope with dating. That said, like a pp said being single for a long time but wanting to meet someone also sucks. I think we need to take breaks though to remind ourselves what we actually want!

Many reasons for people jumping into dating soon after a breakup - for a confidence boost, to know they've still "got it" or for sex, or to simply get out the house, to assuage the inevitable lonliness or even to "feel the fear and do it anyway"!

I agree Anne and get that but but I think a huge percentage of people either don't realise that's what they want/ are doing or they're not honest about it and that causes so much upset/confusion/pain for others.

phoenix I was quite lucky with my 2 month sojourn with my OLD....er bf? fwb? Not sure! he was upfront about not wanting anything heavy, just dating and sex. I thought that's what I wanted too, but eventually realised I wanted a "proper" relationship so in my case it was me who wasn't sure what I wanted at first.. After realising I needed more we parted ways. I wanted more than he was prepared to offer. Hoped he'd be in touch last night begging me to see him again tbh - but nah.

Did the right thing, now I know I must look for happiness alone for a while.

I think I need to check in I've done the whole cycle 30 day no contact , online dating and now after noticing how exhausting and time consuming it is I think this place is where I want to be

I've just left a 5 year relationship and I'm looking forward to learning to be on my own again. I want to get back into reading in the evenings and am going to continue to work hard on my fitness at the gym. I've joined a couple of book groups which I think will be fun, and I'm going to try to go out a bit more as I've neglected friendships for one reason or another over the years.

Please can I join. I was in a 7 year emotionally abusive relationship that ended 2 years ago. Since then I jumped (after about 3 months) into a relationship that I knew wasn't right from day one (nothing wrong with him - just not at the same points in our lives). Thankfully we have managed to stay friends. I was then single again (and happy) for about 6 months. Met ex who was an old friend on FB. We went out, we got on, we confided in each other, I trusted him. I told him from day 1 not to mess me about and play games as I did not need a relationship although it was nice to be in one. After 11 months he did exactly that and he was honestly the very last person on earth that I would have expected to mess me about. So for now I am off dating completely. What on earth is the point. I feel so hurt and let down and now I don't trust my own judgement anyway so I'm best on my own.

I have managed almost a month of not dating now. Proud of myself. I haven't been doing that well mentally but I'm glad I'm giving myself the space.

I deleted all my dating apps a couple of months ago and can honestly say that it's done my self esteem more good than losing a ton of weight or getting my hair done could ever do. You really start to question your self worth when the only men you meet either ghost you or just want casual sex. I'm still tempted to log back in occasionally if I'm feeling bored or lonely but so far I'm managing to resist. It's harder than you'd think isn't it?

Well I've not been on the apps for over a month either and the last date I had was beginning of sept. I'd love to say I feel great but I'm not doing well emotionally. I don't miss the apps one bit but I am alone this weekend for the first time in 4 weeks (dc with their dad) and apart from food with friends tonight I've no other plans. I'm mostly shattered from work and sorting a house move so I'm hoping I will just sleep the weekend away...bit sad ☹️

Things I like to do when I have a weekend that looks like it'll be too quiet:

Get lost in a good book. I like to catch up on books my DCs have recently read.

Play the piano. I realise this won't suit everyone, but maybe there's something you used to like doing which you haven't had time to lately? Or something you've wanted to try?

Make lovely food for myself, with radio or a good podcast for company. And I only have to do this once in a weekend and I have a meal for three days and much less washing up then when the DCs are home!

Go for a walk. I usually take a podcast to listen to once the enjoyment of the quiet is wearing thin. Being outside makes me feel better about myself and so does exercise.

Mumsnet. I can enjoy the company of intelligent and funny people, dip in and out as much as I like, and feel I've had some human contact.

Watch a good film.

Some ideas anyway. I came out of a 12 year marriage over four years ago. To begin with, I thought I'd never want another relationship, but I feel emotionally ready now. Practically speaking, though, I don't have enough time in my life with 4 DCs and a job filling my time. Plus I know no eligible men and dating apps haven't worked for me. So I am making my peace with being single for the time being. Although this seems to be a gradual process!

Charlotte, your username makes me realise that being single is much better than marriage to a dreadful bore. Thank heavens we are not in a Jane Austen novel and regarded as old maids by seven and twenty...

Hi all! I would love to join!

Sorry to hear some of you have had wobbles. I think that's normal though! We are social beings and of course dating is a social event and so it's easy to veer back to relying on that for a boost, particularly when family and friends are busy / ornrwise committed themselves. What's important is to not become reliant on it, or use dating as a tool to boost our own self esteem etc (guilty over here).

I was with my ex for 6 years. We split two years ago and I went on a dating binge. It numbed the pain and took the edge off the heartache. And then I crashed. Autopilot had worn off and I was a depressed, self loathing mess. So I booked in some counselling, finally took a career leap, got fit, booked some holidays, focused on some self care and got in touch with old friends. I wobbled the WHOLE way but I got there.

Then I decided to try online dating again at the start of this year, but was more particular about who I spoke to. One guy had recently moved here who was so lovely and attentive, then he pulled the rug from under me. (turns out he was just waiting for his gf to move down, I saw them shopping together)!

I left it a few more months before actually dating again; but was still using the apps. Met what I thought was the loveliest guy, even my friends were convinced. Yet he turned out to be a future faking, emotionally unavailable vindictive twerp. I was broken and am still somewhat hurt by it two months on.

I realised I'm still not quite ready to date, I have a lot of work to do on myself and I really need to understand why I have a pattern of choosing such destructive relationships. Until I've worked through it I don't think I would be capable of a healthy relationship. I'm on month 2 and I actually feel great! No dramas, just career, hobby, friend and family focused!

I totally recommend in investing in your friends, family and old hobbies. Make new ones. Practice self care. Work on your mental health and wellbeing. Do the little things that make you content - read a book, have a bubble bath, take a road trip alone, volunteer.... whatever it may be, put yourself first!

Joining in ladies...I gave OLD a break a year ago..I have tried to be open to all types of men. I realise im 50...but scrub up well ..can hold a damn good conversation...professional...and ahem ..sexy too! But good grief ...if I have another chancer contact I'll go mad😁....I sound arragant now..but really im not ...looking for kind ..bright funny man. ..all l seem to get are lifes losers....most are long term unemployed/sick..or blokes who dumped their families for greener grass then got dumped themselves. Also those pictures....they really don't understand women!!! if you stand in your living room that is a total mess i notice...no i dont want a bathroom shot...or a picture with your ex cut out!! ..don't start me on knob shots...but similarly i donrvwant sking...surfing ....hanging of a large by one hand either? ......think I might have to get another cat!!

Faronto - quite! Although my choice of the name was because I realised I got married in the first place because he asked and I didn't want to be left on the shelf...

Yes, the single life has a lot to be said for it, and nothing like coming out of a bad relationship to help you appreciate that!

Onanotherday: yes, I think I realised there would be so many crappy men with little to offer but huge egos to sort through before finding a decent man that I'd rather enjoy life and, well, if a decent man finds me, great. And if not, at least I'll be having fun.

I do believe there are not enough good men to go round all the good women... But I don't really care, most of the time, at least.

Definitely not too late to join. Welcome to the thread.
It's only been a month but I already feel this is the right thing to do. If I leave plates out in the kitchen, or my children are acting up, I'm answerable to no one.

Of course it's great to be part of a loving partnership, but so many relationships fall well short of that. For me it's so complicated when you have children and it's an extra layer of stress I don't need at the moment.

I have given online dating a good shot, but if 5 years of dating haven't brought me long term happiness, it's time to reevaluate things.

I'm low at the moment but I think it's because I was using dating to escape from reality and now I'm actually properly dealing with things again. I need this time to get to know myself.

Today my children wrote notes to me to say how much they love me and blew up balloons and wrote little messages on each one. That's the love I have in my life now

Can I join too? Was widowed I'm December 2015. By February 2016 I was dating... then in a very messy relationship for a year after. Moved to other end of country beginning of 2017 - more dating, another brief relationship followed by dating... but I honestly just cannot be bothered anymore. All the men I have met are so eager to push for something deeper than I'm able to give, the two relationship guys constantly pushed for moving in, way too soon for me and the kids. I've met far too many odd balls on the sites and to be honest, the stress of trying trying sort childcare and fix a date around them and work was just too much!

The kids and I are moving into our new house this week so I plan to get stuck into decorating it and probably adopt some more cats, they're far more preferable company at the moment ;)

I won't lie, I'm lonely, but the alternative actually feels worse. I want to be happy on my own and with the kids. I'm done with it all for now :) good luck everyone.

Does anyone have any suggestions for making new friends? Platonic I mean? I have good friends but one lives away, another works unsociable hours and weekends. My confidant at work leaves next week. I just feel I need to expand my social circle a bit