Learning to love ourselves: ditching the dating scene support thread.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

After starting a thread on why I had decided to give up the dating apps after yet another failed relationship, I realised that lots of others were in the same situation. This thread is for me and anyone else who wants to take a break, temporary or permanent, from the dating scene.

For me, dating had become a negative and destructive cycle. I'm taking some time to learn to be alone and that way, if I ever do return to dating, I will know that I'm making choices with pure motives. I was using dating as an emotional crutch.

So far, I've deleted all the apps. Feels great not to have that constant, intrusive ping and the bombardment of 'hows u hun.' I've also downloaded a couple of good books, Stephen King's 'IT' (loved the remake) and a book about a woman who lives completely alone, in the Scottish highlands, in an area without mobile phone signal. Not sure if I could cope without the mobile, but maybe I can learn to be alone, without necessarily being lonely.

Join me?

Being single is ok for a while but after ten years the novelty has worn off! I hate OLD but when your pushing forty and don't have a social life it's really hard to meet men in everyday life.
I find that once you hit your thirties random meetings with men when your out and about don't happen so much.

I don't think that's the point of this thread really. The novelty of being single may wear off, but for me, the novelty of online dating wore after having my heart broken for the forth time in five years. I'm not saying online dating is bad and I know it works for some.

For me, at the moment, meeting anyone in real life or online is not an option. I'm vulnerable and seem to be stuck repeating the same destructive patterns. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

If I do spend ten years single, well I'll have three adult children and no worries about dating with a family who need me. I may not wait that long, I may feel ready in a year, but I'm not putting a time on anything.
It's hard dating when you only have every other weekend free. It's exhausting to be honest and I'm not sure what kind of relationship I can actually build in that time without being tempted to rush things along. It's unrealistic.

I think the problem is also that, as you have said already OP, you're never fully enjoying the moment as there's always messages, likes and the possibility of dates to 'look forward' to/looming over you so your mind is always half in the future thinking what might be.
I'm going to spend some time this weekend having a sort out at home and getting the house cosy and autumn ready so I enjoy being in it. Also planning to do some hiking with friends.

That all sounds good orange. I'm going to take the dc roller skating at the weekend.

I know it hasn't been long, but I don't think I've felt happier or calmer in a good long while.

Me too, I was always on edge when OLD. Am starting to actually just enjoy simple stuff again

Oh @orangewasp have you decided to do "hygge" ?

It's nice not having any drama at all and I can focus on my boys.

Tonight I've spent hours sorting out my kitchen and bedroom which has been quite therapeutic. I shared this place with my ex, and he moved out and the house still has a lot of his things and even photos of us are still on the wall. I've just kind of left the house how it was when he moved out, so it's been nice to finally start sorting it into MY house.

Think I'll focus the rest of the week on making it more my house now. I'm gonna buy the Sara Maitland book you mentioned too.

Onlymeeeeee - yes! The nice thing about singledom is that you can make your living space just how you like it - no compromising!

Cannot advocate the break strongly enough. My break gave me time and space to focus on me and my kid and the. define what I wanted romantically, in loose enough terms to not be restrictive but ultimately to deliver what I wanted and needed. And when I went back on the apps, deliver it did

Its a bit of an odd one this - but I think OLD might be harder for the unconventional, sensitive or delicate of nature. I believe for a naive or sensitive woman its actually a dangerous place.

I rarely came across a man on OLD who sounded interesting or humble in anyway. Many were 'full of themselves' for no apparent reason. Then there was the whole sleazy section which was depressing in itself. Plus the fact that OLD is crawling with people with personality disorders (its their spiritual home).

I found the whole thing quite depressing and (at my age anyway: 50s) I can't imagine returning to it. Perhaps if you were more "worldly" and younger it might be better. But for me now, there are so many more interesting things I can do with my time than meet these guys.

I meant to add a at the end of last sentence. It really has been a relief to get off the whole train.

(But for younger or more committed women it might still have its possibilities - but its definitely a case of 'buyer beware').

"miscommunication, over-familiarity and blurring of fragile boundaries"

^ agree this is a large part of the problem too, very well put.

I am a bloke but just like the O/P feel I have had enough of online dating for now. It just feels like a massive effort to go out and meet people when I am already very busy and the process can ultimately can be quite soul destroying. I've been living on my own for just over 3 years after a long term relationship (20+ years), and in that time I have had a few flings and a couple of longer term (6 month or so) things. I've made a few good friends along the way as well. The good news is that the last person I went out with I actually met in real life, which I feel is far more natural and has given me some hope. I am currently trying to concentrate on living a fulfilling and full life - I have got used to being on my own and generally I enjoy it despite the odd blip. I have noticed that when I feel down or lonely then I am tempted to start online dating again, but I am trying to resist. Stay strong!

I'm heartened to read these posts - i used to think there was something wrong with me because i couldn't see how OLD was going to be for me.

Like going to said its harder for the unconventional and sensitive -- that's me all over. I used to describe myself has having very little dating currency (currency being assessed by life context, finances, appearance, esteem etc) and I stand by that. I know its not likely to last forever though, but for now, its me first (and the kids)

IME MeMe the dating currency that counted was pretty ruthless - life context or "currency" as you so put it seemed to be all-important. Character, humour and other qualities seemed to be of no account. Any 'low' currency issues - health probs, children, lack of security, or age was ruthlessly dealt with by men who had very little going for them as actual people.

But yes, being unconventional and sensitive I think is a definite barrier and a whole vulnerability in itself on OLD. The whole thing was very difficult, and I'm pleased I'm out!

Any 'low' currency issues - health probs, children, lack of security, or age was ruthlessly dealt with by men who had very little going for them as actual people.

Couldn't agree more, very depressing and soul destroying.

Any 'low' currency issues - health probs, children, lack of security, or age was ruthlessly dealt with by men who had very little going for them as actual people.

I have to say that it's not only men who can behave like this - women do it too. The whole process is about being judged which can be quit damaging to self esteem.

Women undoubtedly behave badly too and some are focused on success/material worth (though none of my friends ever have been I must say). But I don't think women are so 'ruthless' in that way. In fact they will often give the most unpromising prospect the benefit of the doubt, or overlook glaring red flags. They also usually don't mind someone their own age (or, say, 1 year older).

I'm convinced shysters of both genders can smell fear and low self-esteem through their phones

I'm soft as shite and not likely to change much now (even though it would probably help me in lots of ways)

Count me in. I ended an EA relationship 21 months ago due to his behaviour towards me and because he cheated on me for the second time. I'm going to enjoy my life as much as possible, I am going to start unpacking some of the junk that I randomly packed at 3am during a house move in March, I plan to do some walks around my town that I've never had the chance to explore. I've also started going back to church and setting myself challenges to get out more.

I also want to start reading books again, I have a long list of unread books on my kindle.

I am also in the process of making myself a self-care/hygge hamper, which will be my Xmas present to myself.

I like the idea of making a nice hamper for yourself.
Feel a bit less positive today, but I know there will be ups and downs.

I am joining you guys.

I've seen since for exactly two years. I'm 31. I have a nearly-teenager from my marriage years ago. My recent ex and I spent the first year post-split swinging between considering reconciling, and having no contact for months. We got close again last Xmas, but I saw sense and finished things for good in February.

During the last two years I've also had a few dates, one set up by friends and two from OLD. I really struggle to find anyone attractive on OLD, and even when I do chat there's nothing compelling me to want to give up my time to meet them. I like being single, I can do as I please, eat what I want, hog the whole bed.
I hoped/hope I would find someone as I would absolutely love to have another child one day and I'm not getting any younger

Last night I hid my profile on POF and hid my card on Tinder. No more.

"Miscommunication, over familiarity and blurring of fragile boundaries"

^ totally agree with this^

I begun to seriously doubt my own judgement through dating. I thought I was a good judge of character, but I seem to misread situations and people frequently. Either that or I was meeting some very disingenuous people!!
Either way the step out is needed. And if I go back to dating I will hopefully have a better radar!!
Love the hamper idea! I found dating can be quite expensive, going to spend the money on treating myself