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pregnant from affair

(119 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

clucketycluck Mon 01-May-17 06:31:40

Hi. Have nc'd as very ashamed by my actions. I have no doubt I am going to be flamed for everything I write but I just can't deal with everything that's going on right now without saying something.
I have been married for nearly 6 years together for 9. I come from an abusive family home and ended up with my h when I was thrown out of my home under abusive circumstances.
We plodded along and I was so happy to not be in an abusive place anymore we stayed together and got married. Years down the line I can now see that my h took advantage of my situation. He has been financially and emotionally abusive to me and probably as a result of my actions most recently physically abusive.
I started an affair with one of my PA's. So cliche and pathetic and I would do anything to go back and change things but I can't. I thought I loved him and he loved me. It turns out he just liked sleeping with me. Anyway I know the right thing to do would have been to leave h and be alone. I had a toddler dd and no access to money and I did go to womensaid but was told that where I would end up would not be a good place and because I would get equity from a house sale (not enough to buy a new place) I would get hardly any help despite having no current access to any money with my financially abusive h stopping me having even access to my own salary. The affair just allowed me to release feelings I had been suppressing for a long time but it was very wrong and I regret it deeply. I ended up having a complete breakdown and stopped working a few weeks ago and was going to see a doctor about being so down about everything but then everything went even more wrong.
Last week I found out I was pregnant by OM. I didn't know if to tell him and I tried to wait until I saw him but ended up saying it on the phone after he stood me up meeting him and he flipped out saying I'd done it on purpose and started to say some really nasty things. He's now said I've ruined his life and he wants nothing to do with it. He has said he'll come to a termination appointment with me but I don't think he'll stand by that tbh.
I keep sleeping with this guy now in fear that he will just disappear on me and I have no friends or family so have only spoken to him about it and am just desperate for him to come to the termination app tbh.
I had some bleeding the other day and I text him and he just text saying oh hope you're ok and just keeps going out with his mates and I haven't heard from him since. He's a lot younger than me and keeps saying I've ruined his life can I not see that so now I am trying to sort it out myself. I'm booked for a termination on Wednesday but I don't even know if I can go through with it. But if I don't go through with it I will be a single mum to two young children with little support. Just hurting so much right now even though I deserve it. I honestly don't think I can just get rid of this baby but I am going to really hurt a lot of people if I don't. The only person in my life right now really is my h and I don't want to hurt him as when I had my breakdown he has said he will try to help me. But I can sense that the financial abuse is starting up again since I lost my job (we never needed my wage so he took it for savings, I only worked because I didn't want to end up dependent on him but now I am) although he has acted very kindly to me recently which is making me feel worse he has started to say that I should not buy any new things for the next two months while we adjust to me not working. (This is definitely not necessary. I don't spend much anyway as he has to know about everything I buy and if I don't tell him he checks statements and questions everything)
I don't think I can tell him what's happened without him getting very angry at me. He threw me across a room last year and although that's the only physical violence I have had with him I am so scared now.
I suppose I just am interested in opinions on what I should do now. I know I deserve everything bad that happens to me but I just need to hear it all I suppose. I am so scared. I've never felt so alone. I'm awake with worry after having embarrassed myself calling OM even though I know he's still out with his mates. My h is away next week so I'm thinking that I should just terminate and put everything behind me but I am struggling with stopping the pregnancy. Sorry for long post.

CoteDAzur Mon 01-May-17 07:17:35

Woman up. You did something stupid but it doesn't have to define your future. Terminate the pregnancy. Stop contact with young man.

Prepare your future financially & leave H when you can.

clucketycluck Mon 01-May-17 07:35:10

Thanks for your reply. I know I feel that's what I need to do and you're right I need to just do it. Maybe Wednesday will help sort things out.

Ricecrispies16 Mon 01-May-17 07:45:12

It's clear you don't want to terminate so don't. Leave your husband and cut the other man off. If he wants nothing to do with the child then so be it. You'll cope, you'll be fine x

SavoyCabbage Mon 01-May-17 07:49:23

Your husband threw you across a room? Did you telll anyone in real life about that?

These savings that your wages have been going into, do you know what's in there?

clucketycluck Mon 01-May-17 07:50:31

Would you say let OM come to app even if I don't go through with it or just leave him out of everything?

Ricecrispies16 Mon 01-May-17 07:51:45

I would leave him out of it. I think you're probably clinging onto him in the hope he will be there for you instead of your husband. If you let him go with you he will only sway your judgement in making your decision. You need to do it alone so that ultimately you can be sure the decision you make is for yourself

samoyedydog Mon 01-May-17 08:03:27

Hi, don't beat yourself up so much about the affair, yeah it's not ideal but it's not the worst thing in the world either there are a lot of worse things you can do! If I was you I think I would terminate the pregnancy and forget about the other man whilst making some sort of arrangements over the next few weeks/months to leave your husband. Is there any way you will be able to get any money at all? Can you access those savings which are essentially yours if your H has been taking your salary off you and using it for this.

samoyedydog Mon 01-May-17 08:06:25

Also definitely wouldn't bother even asking OM to the appointment if you do decide to go, if he's not interested and doesn't really want to be there he's not going to be much help to you is he, I'd rather do it alone.

clucketycluck Mon 01-May-17 08:19:56

Thanks. No I have no access to money without h seeing everything. I took out cash the other day which is a big move for me but got a call that afternoon from h checking if it was me who drew cash from an actual bank cashier as I don't have a bank card as they are hidden from me! Apparently he was concerned it could be fraud. It was a tiny amount of cash.
Ok so it's helpful to hear don't take OM. I don't want to be with him but I wish I had his support in the appointment. Mainly because I don't want to go alone but I am also coming round to the idea he probably won't come anyway. I just have no idea if I will go through with it. I don't want to but I also don't want to end up in a situation where everyone is worse off which in my mind is where I keep the baby.

LeonardoAcropolis Mon 01-May-17 08:28:41

Oh OP sad If I were you I'd contact Woman's Aid. You should not have your own money kept from you and you should not be bullied into a termination if you want this baby.

Please report your own post and ask MN to move this thread to Relationships. You'll get some very good advice there regarding your situation.

clucketycluck Mon 01-May-17 08:42:52

Thanks have reported and asked to be moved. I did go to womensaid before but they were so busy and struggling and I wouldn't report everything about my h because he is in a job where he would just lose it if this was all found out and I think that's worse overall. I am struggling to cope with having everything come to a head but am glad I will have to make some decisions which I have sat on for too long now.

champagnecyclist Mon 01-May-17 08:49:20

cluckety by that do you mean your OH is in the Police or similar himself? Even worse if so.

Either way your OH is responsible for his actions and the consequences. Keeping your money from you is financial abuse.

Can you just withdraw the money and leave, do you have access to it or only some accounts?

picklemepopcorn Mon 01-May-17 09:01:57

Oh dear, what a pickle. I know the pregnancy choice is urgent, but the other situations are just as important.

You cannot stay with your husband. Speak to women's aid.

Your boyfriend is not worth any of your time and attention. He has made his choices (he could have worn a condom, he could have been supportive), it is time for you to make yours independently of him.

Make your choices independently of these two useless men, and do what will make you happy or at least less unhappy.

flowers

BIWI Mon 01-May-17 09:06:31

I'm sorry to hear about your situation sad

I think a termination is probably, in the circumstances, the best thing. But don't get the OM to come with you. You shouldn't be involving him in your life any more in any way - and he clearly isn't interested in you anyway!

Your 'D'H is your real problem here. You need to get yourself away from him. The first thing you need to start with is to take back your financial independence. Open a new bank account and tell your employers to pay you into that. He has no right to take your money and prevent you from accessing it!

I'd definitely talk to Women's Aid again.

Good luck

clucketycluck Mon 01-May-17 09:12:27

I can access some of it by going into the bank with ID. I have done that twice this year so far. I also have an account in my name that he checks the amount of ie demands to see statements but recently due to affair I have stood my ground and said he is no longer to check that especially after he demanded I transfer a large amount from it to pay a bill effectively taking away most of my savings I'd managed to squirrel away into it. I saw a solicitor in a half hour free appointment and would appear I get 50% settlement but I know my h would fight me especially now. I have no support and that's what's stopping me from going. I had a professional career and now I just feel like I have nothing left and am a shell of who I was.
That said I have still done a terrible and stupid thing here and the thought of bringing a child into this situation is hurting me so much but so is the thought of getting rid of it. All I think is how can I manage to keep this child. If I can't find an answer I will terminate but I am trying to consider all options because I don't want to end up really regretting this. It's not ideal and I don't want to end up making my dd worse off as well.

Venusflytwat Mon 01-May-17 09:13:21

I don't know what you should do about the pregnancy. I think only you can make that decision.

You've got to leave both these men though.

Can you open your own bank account? Then, personally, I would get your ducks in order to leave. Contact Women's Aid or someone, anyone who might be able to help you get out. I would ask HR to pay your next salary into your new account. Take pay day off and leave him. Visit the bank the same morning and get everything you can transferred into your new account that same morning.

Whereabouts are you? Maybe someone on here can help.

NavyandWhite Mon 01-May-17 09:22:38

I think keeping the pregnancy would be disastrous OP for many reasons.

Think long term not just now.

rizlett Mon 01-May-17 09:42:53

Maybe you feel you'd have regrets if you terminate this pregnancy op but what if you go ahead with it and have regrets after the baby is born?

Also were you hoping the BF would be a way to escape your controlling H - just as you hoped he might have been an escape from your controlling family?

You can do this by yourself - for you and your DD - you could be in a whole better place in just 6 months time. Often you don't feel the true pressure of control until you have escaped from it.

clucketycluck Mon 01-May-17 09:56:13

I quit my job recently so I have no income and completely reliant on h now. Something I never wanted to happen but I wasn't coping with sorting dd care out plus a FT demanding job with a terrible male boss who thought women were inferior and no access to my income to even have anything worth it.
I have sent my cv off recently to an agency but need to pull myself together to start interviewing. I think it is right to terminate this pregnancy. I just need to find a way to live with that choice. I believe that the long term consequences will be fairly bad but not the worst if I kept the baby. My plan was to just spend my equity on short term full time childcare while I go back to work as my dd starts school in September. But it is not guaranteed and I could end up making a lot of people unhappy including myself. OM promised me the world as usual but he got bored and this could not have been a worse time to have this happen to me, I told him he doesn't have to be a part of this if he doesn't want to but I haven't made my mind up yet, he just said he would come to the termination app and leave it at that.
A few weeks ago at least I had a job! Everytime I get a feeling I might lose the baby I get terrified. But I do feel that these circumstances are quite bad to bring a child into. I am very ashamed and embarrassed at my actions but I will deal with whatever consequences I have to. I just want to try to make the best decision here.

picklemepopcorn Mon 01-May-17 10:48:28

Nothing could be worse than staying put, whatever it takes, please get out.

LouMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 01-May-17 10:57:23

OP, sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. As requested by you, we're now moving this to Relationships and we hope you get some useful advice there.

DearMrDilkington Mon 01-May-17 11:09:22

You need to leave your husband. I'm concerned what his reaction will be when he finds out your pregnant, especially if he works out its not his.

Stay away from the other guy too, he sounds just as bad.

Paperdoll16 Mon 01-May-17 11:20:51

You need to leave your H, it's done with.

Also forgot the OM as he was only after a shag and now that it's turned into a potential baby he's just not interested anymore.

The fact you have no job could be a blessing in the short term. Just leave, with your DD. Get the short term financial help with benefits and housing via support from woman's aid. Then build yourself up again with a new life for your DD and just you.

You'll get yourself a nee job which in turn will get yourself some savings etc again (probably more than you've ever had from the little you've been used to) and you'll look back on this and be glad you made the right decision.

Your alternative..

If you keep the baby, you'll most definitely be a single mother to two children with two arsehole fathers. You'll struggle to work again for the foreseeable and be confined to benefits etc

Plus you'll have a bigger fight on your hands with your DH and separation. At the moment you can leave cos you've had enough of the financial abuse. If it's because you've cheated and are pregnant then it's going to be seen as your fault and he will fight for everything he can.

Meeting someone new will be more difficult than if you choose option one.

Lovemusic33 Mon 01-May-17 11:35:18

If I was I was in your situation I would ditch both of them and terminate the pregnancy. My ex dh was similar to yours, I almost ended up having an affair, at this point I knew I had to end things with dh, he had always had control of money and I wasn't working (reliant on him), luckily we didn't own our own home so I kicked him out of our rented property and was able to get help from housing benefit to pay my rent. It wasn't easy but it was much better than staying with him.

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