pregnant from affair

[clucketycluck]

Hi. Have nc'd as very ashamed by my actions. I have no doubt I am going to be flamed for everything I write but I just can't deal with everything that's going on right now without saying something.
I have been married for nearly 6 years together for 9. I come from an abusive family home and ended up with my h when I was thrown out of my home under abusive circumstances.
We plodded along and I was so happy to not be in an abusive place anymore we stayed together and got married. Years down the line I can now see that my h took advantage of my situation. He has been financially and emotionally abusive to me and probably as a result of my actions most recently physically abusive.
I started an affair with one of my PA's. So cliche and pathetic and I would do anything to go back and change things but I can't. I thought I loved him and he loved me. It turns out he just liked sleeping with me. Anyway I know the right thing to do would have been to leave h and be alone. I had a toddler dd and no access to money and I did go to womensaid but was told that where I would end up would not be a good place and because I would get equity from a house sale (not enough to buy a new place) I would get hardly any help despite having no current access to any money with my financially abusive h stopping me having even access to my own salary. The affair just allowed me to release feelings I had been suppressing for a long time but it was very wrong and I regret it deeply. I ended up having a complete breakdown and stopped working a few weeks ago and was going to see a doctor about being so down about everything but then everything went even more wrong.
Last week I found out I was pregnant by OM. I didn't know if to tell him and I tried to wait until I saw him but ended up saying it on the phone after he stood me up meeting him and he flipped out saying I'd done it on purpose and started to say some really nasty things. He's now said I've ruined his life and he wants nothing to do with it. He has said he'll come to a termination appointment with me but I don't think he'll stand by that tbh.
I keep sleeping with this guy now in fear that he will just disappear on me and I have no friends or family so have only spoken to him about it and am just desperate for him to come to the termination app tbh.
I had some bleeding the other day and I text him and he just text saying oh hope you're ok and just keeps going out with his mates and I haven't heard from him since. He's a lot younger than me and keeps saying I've ruined his life can I not see that so now I am trying to sort it out myself. I'm booked for a termination on Wednesday but I don't even know if I can go through with it. But if I don't go through with it I will be a single mum to two young children with little support. Just hurting so much right now even though I deserve it. I honestly don't think I can just get rid of this baby but I am going to really hurt a lot of people if I don't. The only person in my life right now really is my h and I don't want to hurt him as when I had my breakdown he has said he will try to help me. But I can sense that the financial abuse is starting up again since I lost my job (we never needed my wage so he took it for savings, I only worked because I didn't want to end up dependent on him but now I am) although he has acted very kindly to me recently which is making me feel worse he has started to say that I should not buy any new things for the next two months while we adjust to me not working. (This is definitely not necessary. I don't spend much anyway as he has to know about everything I buy and if I don't tell him he checks statements and questions everything)
I don't think I can tell him what's happened without him getting very angry at me. He threw me across a room last year and although that's the only physical violence I have had with him I am so scared now.
I suppose I just am interested in opinions on what I should do now. I know I deserve everything bad that happens to me but I just need to hear it all I suppose. I am so scared. I've never felt so alone. I'm awake with worry after having embarrassed myself calling OM even though I know he's still out with his mates. My h is away next week so I'm thinking that I should just terminate and put everything behind me but I am struggling with stopping the pregnancy. Sorry for long post.

Why the fuck didn't you use protection!!

So many innocent people getting dragged into such a horrible situation.

MyHeart how the fuck do you know the OP DIDN'T use protection?? !!... Protection is NOT 100% anyway there's still that little percentage that no matter what protection you use it can fail !! I say this as someone who was using protection & still became pregnant !! Give the OP a break the last thing she needs right now is people digging at her FFS !!... OP with regards to the termination only you can make that decision it's not an easy one too make & it's not an easy thing to live with after it's done however living with it is do-able, as for your husband... Please please get out please call women's aid again & take any & every opportunity you can to get your ducks in a row & leave with your DD as soon & as safely as possible being a single mum will be hard for a time but I promise you it will be worth it for you I wish you all the luck in the world & hope you're ok

Can't see where she said protection failed.

Regardless that doesn't mean she never used any !! And it's not like she got herself pregnant anyway I think you'll find the OM played his part in making it happen too...

If you can't bear to terminate the pregnancy, then what about offering the baby up for adoption?

In the meantime, you have to leave your abusive husband. What will he do to you when he finds out you're pregnant by someone else?

Get to a place of safety now, with your DD, and contact your GP regarding counselling to address whether a termination is right for you, or whether there are any other options you can consider.

I'm ok with the protection thing and being blamed. I was on the pill has never failed before. My doctor thinks it's because I had an allergic reaction to antibiotics and was on them for a month being ill and it affected the pills efficiency. I am ok to hold my hand up though and say this is a stupid thing to have got myself into. I really would never have thought myself capable of what's happened even a few years ago. I just hid away and did as I was told. My husband goes away a lot in the last year so things changed in my life and tbh at first I felt a little bit more free than before.
I told OM I wasn't interested initially but in the end this has happened. It's better to hear about him just wanting a shag and to hear that both are bad for me because otherwise I just sit and do nothing. And now I have to make a decision. And I know what the right one is but I hope I can get through it. I have done a terrible thing and I hope people can read this and think shit I will never do that! I already feel like I deserve this.
I appreciate the replies because it's making me think. Before i was just panicking and embarrassing myself contacting OM desperately hoping he would help me.

Op you have clung onto another man on the hope he will someone how rescue you from this horrible situation you have been stuck in. I agree it should most likely best to terminate but the main thing is getting yourself and your dd from this situation. Firstly if he's currently away gather up necessary documentation, clothing etc go to the bank explain that you are being financially abused and to stop him accessing your bank details and cancel all bank cards, this is really important. If it's a joint account make a new one and transfer the money over. Secondly contact your local woman's aid, they should hopefully help you with emergency accommodation whilst you get yourself back on your feet and find a home for you and your dd.

Neither your husband nor OM are any use to you, you need to be strong and walk away from the pair of them. Good luck, and do what you feel is right regarding the pregnancy.

Yes h is away soon so I can hopefully sort this out whilst he's away. I just wanted OM to at least be on call in case I am ill or something. That's not going to happen though now so I will have to just get on with it. Even though this is such a mess I am glad I am being forced to face up to things. I can't keep going as things were it was breaking me. I'm not saying I don't deserve it but I've lost all my friends and what little family I had to a crap marriage and I hope I can get out and rebuild things. I understand with a second child that would be more difficult and am trying to take things in that light. If I went back to work I could earn enough to support myself and buy a place etc I just need to get my head straight. Everything's seems so hard. On top of that the pregnancy is knocking me out and I'm just asleep most of the time!

You know only how to devalue you. You have no respect for yourself.

That is really where your life starts. One guy fucks you and expects you to make sure you have none of his babies. The other will have babies with you but eventually throw your babies across the room.

Stop relationships now. Get control of you and then start anew.

This is your life we are talking about.

Hi Cluckety
I can already feel that you're feeling stronger than your first post. We are all here for you despite the fact that you have done a daft thing!
Paperdoll was right when writing it's easier to move on, get housing, claim benefits when you are the injured party and a single mum of a toddler.
Bonuses - only one mean father to deal with, and more chance for your life to begin again.

Fast forward to next Summer 2018. You could be living in a little house/flat of your own, sitting in the garden watching your DD play in the paddling pool. You'll be skint but it'll be all yours.

I have faith you'll work it out.

Oh, and start some counselling - you CAN stop this from being something you pass on to your gorgeous daughter!
Much love

OP I am sorry to hear you are in this shit situation.

FWIW if it were me I would be focussing on my existing DD and getting us away from an abusive marriage, but also ditching the unhelpful OM. But that is just me. Do what your own gut tells you to do and it will be right.

You've had lots of helpful advice which I won't add to except to say you need to stop being so hard on yourself.
You deserve to have a nice life.

Ps

Thanks yes I do feel a lot better. Feel like I can at least start to put things in place to get myself sorted.
Thanks for all the advice it has been so helpful and definitely made me feel a lot less alone! I will definitely learn from this. I can definitely say no more affairs for me! Think I secretly hope to be single and get pets instead! Thank you.

You're human. People make mistakes. But you have the chance to turn this around for a better future for you and your DD.

Don't put yourself down though. You've taken your head out of the sand, before it's too late. That's commendable in itself.

Keep us updated, op and we'll be here to keep talking to you over the next few days.

I don't know what to advise. I just think you need a massive hug. xxx Life will get better. You are trying your best. Keep going.
Get a bank account in your own name.

I think it's along the lines of bed, made, lie in it?

That's harsh. Why do you bother trolling these threads just to say such things? OP has been very open and willing to listen to criticism, you should try and help or shut up!

You sound so much clearer now. No more waiting about for men to make the running. Take hold of the reigns and make life work for you. Well done!

redandwhite1 think the OP knows that so bore off

Whatever you choose to do regarding the pregnancy op that is your choice and will be the right one for you xx

Get your plans in place so you can provide a new fresh start for you and your DD

Also is there any way you could open up another bank account and transfer all your money into it from the bank so your twat of a husband can't get to it?

Keep strong op x

Cluckety this is the first day of your new life. Sometimes it won't be easy but you have already experienced bad times and fuck ups.

You've been so open and your pain is evident.

Don't let anyone bully or control what you want to do. You have a tough decision to make. Think of your DD and yourself and imagine the best outcome from where you are now. I think there's a tough inner person trying to break out.

For ppl just wanting to be harsh and abusive fuck off somewhere else. Constructive help is needed at this time. Nothing else.

What have you decided for tomorrow, op? Keep talking to us.

Hope you are ok! Don't have any real advice aside from I had a v controlling h so I can empathise. Please get out and stay out!