Hi. Have nc'd as very ashamed by my actions. I have no doubt I am going to be flamed for everything I write but I just can't deal with everything that's going on right now without saying something.
I have been married for nearly 6 years together for 9. I come from an abusive family home and ended up with my h when I was thrown out of my home under abusive circumstances.
We plodded along and I was so happy to not be in an abusive place anymore we stayed together and got married. Years down the line I can now see that my h took advantage of my situation. He has been financially and emotionally abusive to me and probably as a result of my actions most recently physically abusive.
I started an affair with one of my PA's. So cliche and pathetic and I would do anything to go back and change things but I can't. I thought I loved him and he loved me. It turns out he just liked sleeping with me. Anyway I know the right thing to do would have been to leave h and be alone. I had a toddler dd and no access to money and I did go to womensaid but was told that where I would end up would not be a good place and because I would get equity from a house sale (not enough to buy a new place) I would get hardly any help despite having no current access to any money with my financially abusive h stopping me having even access to my own salary. The affair just allowed me to release feelings I had been suppressing for a long time but it was very wrong and I regret it deeply. I ended up having a complete breakdown and stopped working a few weeks ago and was going to see a doctor about being so down about everything but then everything went even more wrong.
Last week I found out I was pregnant by OM. I didn't know if to tell him and I tried to wait until I saw him but ended up saying it on the phone after he stood me up meeting him and he flipped out saying I'd done it on purpose and started to say some really nasty things. He's now said I've ruined his life and he wants nothing to do with it. He has said he'll come to a termination appointment with me but I don't think he'll stand by that tbh.
I keep sleeping with this guy now in fear that he will just disappear on me and I have no friends or family so have only spoken to him about it and am just desperate for him to come to the termination app tbh.
I had some bleeding the other day and I text him and he just text saying oh hope you're ok and just keeps going out with his mates and I haven't heard from him since. He's a lot younger than me and keeps saying I've ruined his life can I not see that so now I am trying to sort it out myself. I'm booked for a termination on Wednesday but I don't even know if I can go through with it. But if I don't go through with it I will be a single mum to two young children with little support. Just hurting so much right now even though I deserve it. I honestly don't think I can just get rid of this baby but I am going to really hurt a lot of people if I don't. The only person in my life right now really is my h and I don't want to hurt him as when I had my breakdown he has said he will try to help me. But I can sense that the financial abuse is starting up again since I lost my job (we never needed my wage so he took it for savings, I only worked because I didn't want to end up dependent on him but now I am) although he has acted very kindly to me recently which is making me feel worse he has started to say that I should not buy any new things for the next two months while we adjust to me not working. (This is definitely not necessary. I don't spend much anyway as he has to know about everything I buy and if I don't tell him he checks statements and questions everything)
I don't think I can tell him what's happened without him getting very angry at me. He threw me across a room last year and although that's the only physical violence I have had with him I am so scared now.
I suppose I just am interested in opinions on what I should do now. I know I deserve everything bad that happens to me but I just need to hear it all I suppose. I am so scared. I've never felt so alone. I'm awake with worry after having embarrassed myself calling OM even though I know he's still out with his mates. My h is away next week so I'm thinking that I should just terminate and put everything behind me but I am struggling with stopping the pregnancy. Sorry for long post.